Archive for the 'Emotions' Category

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Self Love: An Opinion

Published on January 11, 2012 in Emotions, Letters Home, Love, PTSD and Trust. 1 Comment

Self Love: An Opinion – Monday, November 28, 2011-2:46pm EST

I got a letter today from Grace who spoke of the elusive act of self love. She commented that everything and everyone is taken care of BEFORE she has her own needs met. This is common, I know. Mothers do it a lot, friends do it, teachers and everyone else. This is where my opinion on the matter comes in. I think part of the reason we do it has to do with running from ourselves. If I keep moving, keep doing for others then I move right past my own empty feelings and need for nurturing and care.

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At the Mother’s House

Published on January 11, 2012 in Anxiety, Emotions, Fear and PTSD. 0 Comments

What an unpleasant surprise. I use a medical transportation service to get to therapy now. The service I use is much nicer than Yellow Cab. They’re cleaner and they don’t stress me. I do, however, sometimes have to share the ride with one other person. Today I was picked up early because a lady lived far away and he wouldn’t have time to get me to therapy on time if I didn’t just go with them. It turns out she lives within a stone’s throw of my mother’s house.

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The Burden of Sleep

Published on January 11, 2012 in Anger, Anxiety, Emotions and PTSD. 4 Comments

If you knew that at a certain time, in a certain place you’d be violated and humiliated would you show up at that time and place? Would you readily end other activities, get dressed then show up for that appointment or would you find a million reasons not to attend?

I put off sleep more than anything else. I avoid it like the plague but the problem is, in order to live I have to sleep. Man that’s cruel. In order to live I have to lay down, surrender and let my brain vomit all over me. That is cruel.

Some call it sleep but I call it a standing appointment for violation.

The Burden of Sleep – Monday, November 07, 2011 – 11:37pm EST

J of A

Picking Up the Slack

Published on October 18, 2011 in Anxiety, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Emotions, Letters Home, Mental Health, Morton's Pride and PTSD. 0 Comments

Usually Joan is the one to manage paper work and things like that but since she’s not around someone else had to do it. One of the good things about having jobs is that when a certain task comes up everyone knows who is going to do what. If it’s a public matter such as answering the phone, driving, filling out paperwork and stuff like that then we know Joan will handle it. If there’s a physical threat or a really hard decision to make then Morton handles it. If we have a job then we know what is expected of us and we know what to expect from others. When one person is absent from work then someone, anyone has to make up for the slack. Right now we have no idea who is able to handle the slack when Joan doesn’t show up for work. It seems random who will pick up the slack so to speak.

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Falling Down, Looking Forward

Published on October 11, 2011 in Anger, Emotions, Fear, Grief Sadness Loss, Medical and PTSD. 1 Comment

Have you ever eaten something that was almost too good to continue eating? I did that today. What I made was simple but once you put these two flavors together the mouth explodes with joy. Here’s what I did, I added Mandarin oranges to lemon jello then added whip topping. Simple yet absolutely awesome! In addition to my peppermint addiction I love the mix of orange and lemon, especially in a white cake with butter cream icing. That’s my favorite cake ever. Now I’ve got a favorite jello. :-)

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Preparations Permission Happiness

Published on October 11, 2011 in Art Therapy, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Emotions, Grief Sadness Loss, Love, Morton's Pride and Trust. 1 Comment

Two days ago I purchased a gift for my friend Maureen. I can’t wait for her to see it. I can feel her getting closer and closer which means I won’t be around again. I wanted to get her a thank you gift for all the homey touches she’s made here so I picked up a vintage ruler. It’s actually a wooden brick mason’s ruler but I know she’ll like it because it’s vintage. It’s a Lufkin No 636 and it folds up nicely.  For just a buck I can make her smile. I like that.

I know she’s getting closer. I know this because I can feel her, but this means I won’t be here. Since I won’t be around I went ahead and paid everything for the month and filled the house with groceries. I made sure there’s a variety of a food so that even if Robert takes the helm he’ll have food he likes. I need to get some chalk for our chalk board so I can write to Amy, L.J. and Little Anna that they can do the basics. They don’t know they can eat, get something to drink or use the restroom without asking. They have no idea it’s 2011 because they’re stuck in the year of their age. When I was their age I had to ask to do absolutely everything. I didn’t make a move until I was told to. Those three still ask.

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In Time

Published on September 27, 2011 in Emotions, Grief Sadness Loss, Love, Morton's Pride, Relationships and Trust. 0 Comments Tags: .

As I wipe away dust and fold clothes by the window I hear Jacquelyn tell me to pace myself.

I realize I’ve been gone for awhile. I look at the condition of the house and see that a 19 year old boy has occupied my home for nearly three months without taking care to clean it and without concern for the others who live in this head. At first I was irritated that so much needs to be done. Pay a few bills, do the laundry, take out the trash, wash the car (he seems to have messed that up too) and for the love of Pete get some good food in this body of ours. I can feel the difference. I can tell that a teenager has made our food choices. I don’t begrudge him though. I don’t.

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