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Me: It doesn’t matter what you do, you can’t win with me.
Dr. D: I’m not trying to win or lose.
Me: I mean no matter what you do today it won’t be right. I just doesn’t matter, I’m too angry to hear you.
Dr. D: I thought you felt better, that’s what you said Monday.
Me: I do feel better. I don’t fear that I’m going to walk in front of a bus like I worried about before. That’s better, I’m not nearly as impulsive, but I still don’t care and I still just don’t want to be here.
Continue reading ‘You Can’t Win’
Grace: You did what?! What were you thinking?!
Me: I don’t know.
Grace: But why? Why!
Me: I don’t know.
Grace: Why?!
Me: Sabotage and self destruction.
Grace: Ah, there it is, there it is right there. I thought so.
Continue reading ‘Two Responses, One Goal’
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What I expected was lust, what I received was the most emotionally satisfying night I’ve had in many years.
There are certain words I’ve not heard used in reference to me until last night. I spent a lot of time with someone who made me feel masculine but yesterday the words used were all feminine in reference. There were no sweet nothings whispered in my ear to try to get me in bed. Heck, I’m the one that initiated intimacy (I’m usually dominant in that area). She didn’t have to sweet talk me so I figured the words were genuine. Never have I heard anyone tell me they like the way I feel next to them or that I’m soft. There were other things too but I guess what I’m saying is for the first time in a long time this was woman to woman where I actually felt feminine the whole time. Shesh, I was even present for the vast majority of it. It was quite nice.
Continue reading ‘That’s Not What I Expected’
Every single time I see this person write his name on the net he writes his chosen first, middle and last name. At this time I’ll call him Brian Michael Evans. After a little bit it got annoying. I even thought to myself, is it so hard for you to write Brian M. Evans or Brian Evans and leave it alone? Why your whole name all the time? I get it, you have three names, so do I, get over yourself!
Despite going on and on with all sorts of criticism I was unable to shake that I do the very same thing. Most of the time when I write my name I write all three of my chosen names, Faith Magdalene Austin. Why do I do this, I thought? By now anyone who regularly reads this blog knows I chose this name rather carefully then changed it legally so that I could move past the pain of my old name. What I’ve come to realize is I still struggle to feel as if I exist in my own space without threat of extinction due to outside influences. What I mean is after years of dehumanization it is still a struggle for me to completely believe that I get to keep “me”.
Continue reading ‘My Whole Name’
Sometimes I feel ignored, sometimes I feel dominated. I feel taken out when needed and shelved when I’m not. I feel like a punching bag for harsh words against my gender and political beliefs. I feel like a toy, or maybe just the rag she wrings in her hands.
I know this amount of confusion. I’ve felt this type of mistrust before both of myself and the other person. I know this feeling very well.
When I begin to second guess myself, when my mind goes blank, when I feel as if I have no voice, when I begin to take any kind of treatment I’m reminded of one major relationship in my life. It’s one of those relationships some might feel I’m better off forgetting but in my opinion its a reminder of what to avoid. Since the memory of it has to be here I might as well use it as a signal, a warning sign.
Continue reading ‘Confusion and Past Mistakes’
I’m concerned about my therapist missing so many appointments. I think this is one of the first times I’ve truly felt concerned about him treating me.
I’m doing better with my sinus stuff.
The rain is kicking my butt and making physical pain worse. I hope the sun comes out soon and stays that way.
I’m so about to get dreadlocks. It’s time, past time!!!! The kind I want are the twist dreads like this young lady here. Other photos that are like dreads I want are of stars. May I please have Tracie Thoms hair (she’s from Cold Case). Can a sister get her hair done like Lauryn Hill so she can mature into into Toni Morrison? Can I do this please? I think I can. I think I shall.
I have a gray tree frog tadpole. A photo of this type of tadpole can be seen here. He has never been in the wild so it’s not like I can put him in a creek and expect him to be okay. Now I’m sort of at a loss as to what to do with him. I know what to do with the Ghost Shrimp but what on earth should I do with the tadpole?
I need to use a larger tank than my 5 gallon so I can house the 2 Mystery Snails with one Ghost Shrimp and 6 mollies properly. They’re in a very temp home now which is way too small for them.
Continue reading ‘Those Random Things’
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