Sundrip Journals
I heard so many one line commands about who I shouldn’t trust but you never told me when its okay to trust.
Never trust a man when he tells you he loves you. He just wants to sleep with you.
Never trust anyone who says “trust me.”
When is it okay to believe a man who says “I love you?” Exactly when is it okay to trust at all? Please tell me, how did you summate the trustworthiness of a complete gender into one single sentence?
My therapist and I discussed the theory of Basic Trust as explained by Erik Erikson. Erikson says that a child learns trust from his caregivers. He trusts that when he’s held he won’t be dropped. He trusts when he’s hungry he’ll be fed, comforted when he’s ill and have his needs cared for. This foundation of trust if healthy can lead to a healthy trust and outlook of the world. We take trust lessons from very early on and apply what we’ve learned to the world around us. Dr. D remarked that when my mother violated me she also damaged my Basic Trust which I then took into the world and based everything on these early lessons.
What I took from our conversation was that the earlier we treat our children with care and concern the better. From infancy we start to learn and we take those lessons with us out into the world. I can say with certainty, everything I know about mistrust I learned from my mother.
I’ve mentioned that I’m in a creative rut right now and that my artistic well is pretty much dried up. I also said that my self esteem is a huge block for me right now. I decided to write a few thoughts about painting, sewing and other forms of creativity.
When I paint or draw I am at my freest. I have few inhibitions and will take color and composition risks. I take risks in art but avoid them in real life. Man I’m not a risk taker, sheshh but in art work I’ll cross lines I was taught to observe and do it with no real concern as to if it turns out good or not. I mostly enjoy the journey but in real life I avoid risks like the plague.
Right now I feel bound and blinded by self doubt. I’ve painted for too long to say “I can’t.” Self criticism prevents me from seeing that I can. When my sight is limited progress suffers. Nothing gets out or in, including creativity.
I hope, because lack of hope is terminal.
Continue reading ‘The Hope Agenda’
(If you happen to read this feel free to giggle at will)
I purchased a fancy goldfish from a local pet store and put it in a 20 gallon aquarium alone. At first it did just fine but then it started jumping out of the aquarium and onto the table where the aquarium sat. I’d hurry and put him back in but a few hours later I’d find him out again. Each time I found him he was significantly larger than before. He’d gotten so large that it began to kind of freak me out to pick him up and put him back in the aquarium.
One time this fish named Leon attached himself to the ceiling and hung out for a bit before maneuvering himself back in his aquatic home. Another time he sat on the branch of a silk tree and watched Bella who was on another branch. Bell wasn’t sure what to think of this over-sized fish so she just sat there until he squirmed away and went back home.
The full dream can be found here.
COMMENTARY:
The fish is me. I see dissociation in this dream (me on the ceiling watching myself and my world). I also see me growing past certain spaces in my life. I think I was actively looking for a spot I fit in comfortably. The gender change is a common theme in my dreams and something Dr. D and I have discussed in the last few sessions. I still have a hard time with feeling as if people are trying to take my female identity. This stems from the sexual abuse by my mother and sister where I was forced to be the “husband” who either held or “made love” to his “wife.” For the most part that was my sister who put me in the husband’s role. My mother simply had me be a guy and refused me the natural right to feel like a girl. I still struggle with feeling as if my identity is in harms way.
No thank you to sunrises and sunsets.
Offer to another the peaceful sound of waves over stones.
And feed the masses cake and cookies for
I am full.
I am full.
Let strings and wind instruments lull you to sleep.
Let clouds form your dreams and fireflies deliver your wishes.
Walk your walk down cobble stone paths hand in hand with satisfaction
And take for yourself a full goblet of aged red wine for
I have sung my song, and I have walked
I have walked each step with stillness of heart
And found strength in the light of Your gaze.
Friday, February 19, 2010 – 2:17am EST
Copyright 2010 © F. Magdalene Austin All rights reserved
All images are © to Sundrip Journals. All rights to the images and ALL content on this site and on all Sundrip Journals belong exclusively to the artist. If you send me an email it is not the same as asking for permission. You must receive back affirmation of use. Without the affirmation you cannot use my images or works in any fashion commercially, non-commercially or for personal use. This means you cannot upload, download, save to your desktop (including as wallpaper), reproduce or alter any image or written works on Sundrip Journals. Please remember my work is not public domain. The purchase of art does not transfer the right of reproduction to the purchaser.
Copyright 2009-2010 @ Sundrip Journals. All rights reserved.
Thank you for visiting Sundrip Journals.
See also the Directory for a listing of all pages under the name SUNDRIP.
Galleries on the SUNDRIP - Art for Life website
FAQ and Info
Innocence Gallery
The Good Feeling Gallery
The Fantasy Gallery
The Visionary Gallery
Women of Strength
Faceless Beauty
Postcard Gallery
Click the sunflower below for print offers at my ETSY shop
RECENT COMMENTS