Archive for the 'Trust' Category

You’re a Strange Boy Mikey Mouse

Published on May 20, 2013 in Art Therapy, Emotions, Gratitude Journal, Love, Lupus Fibromyalgia, Mental Health, Pets and Trust. 0 Comments

under the bush This boy is odd but he’s sweet. I’m used to big dogs not tiny little mice, but I’m getting the hang of it. I thought for a second I might need a Little Dog Support Group but it seems I’m able to manage the huge differences in behavior and energy levels.

I’ve never in my life had a dog who slept on the night stand. The first time I saw him on the nightstand I was alarmed. I’m not sure why but I was like, what on earth?!!!! I’m not quite used to it yet but at least I’m not completely blown away that my dog sits on the nightstand and looks at me just like a cat. Oh me!  Continue reading ‘You’re a Strange Boy Mikey Mouse’

It Feels Like Home. Dr Jekyll. Art

Published on May 6, 2013 in Depression, Emotions, Lupus Fibromyalgia, Mental Health, Pets, PTSD and Trust. 0 Comments

A bit ago I said I’d know I feel at home when I am listening to music and dance with my tea cup in my hand. That happened on Friday evening :-) I was listening to the song Depth over Distance while drinking tea. I finally got the Kenyan tea I wanted. Oh so worth the wait. It’s wonderful. At first I didn’t taste a difference from your regular old Lipton, but then wham! Flavors. It was earthy, tangy with a fruity after taste. That’s the best way I can describe the tea. It’s awesome, awesome! I also purchased Gunpowder Tea and Alwazah Tea.

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lay me down to sleep

Published on April 19, 2013 in Emotions, Love, Mental Health, Pets and Trust. 0 Comments

Mickey Mouse found his spotWhen I go in the living room like now Mikey Mouse follows me in. He immediately goes to his chosen spot which is under the coffee table. He also has a blanket in the corner of the room sort of hidden. He chose that spot too. But in the bedroom he doesn’t have a blanket. When I’m in there painting he paces back and forth like he doesn’t know what to do with himself. It’s as if he doesn’t know where he fits in in the room. Where am I supposed to be? Not until I go get his blanket will he finally stop pacing and take his place on the blanket. He’ll sometimes leave the blanket by a few inches but he stays close to it.

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Pup. Fears. Possibilities.

Published on April 16, 2013 in Anxiety, Emotions, Grief Sadness Loss, Lupus Fibromyalgia, Pets, PTSD and Trust. 2 Comments Tags: .

these twoThis is an all over the place entry. I’m sorting things out in my head and trying to figure out where I’m at with things.

My first thought is, I’m in over my head. My second thought is, I’ll regret it if I just foster him. I’ll regret it.

He’s a delight. I adore him….but I’ve had a few second thoughts. Today was a very high pain day, at 9 and 10 most of the day. I got up and walked him three times as well as went to take him out to use the restroom. I slept a lot too which meant he was in his little crate a long time yesterday and today. My friend says to hold out, don’t panic. He’s a good boy and very trainable. He’s such a good boy, BUT I’m so very tired and I wonder if I’m up for it. Did I jump the gun? These are thoughts that are rolling around in my head.

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Friendship Complexities

Published on March 21, 2013 in Mental Health, PTSD, Relationships and Trust. 0 Comments

In one afternoon Betty and I destroyed an entire regions tea traditions. Just for the record, I had no part in it but I am guilty by association. The two of us, the odd couple friends, stood in her kitchen giggling like school girls as she added the worst possible ingredients to Masala chai. We brewed the tea the traditional way because Google showed us how. However, Betty didn’t really like it so she began to tweak it a bit. The woman added half and half creamer, chocolate and mini marshmallows. And I did nothing to protect the Indian culture. I am so sorry to all my Indian friends because I stood by as she decimated your culture. I wanted to be part of the bigger tea community and really make a tea difference. I wanted to be part of the international committee that proclaims quality tea is a basic human right. I fear that hope has been lost. The final blow was when she pulled out Chewy Chips Ahoy cookies and ate them right along side this nightmarish concoction. Again, I did nothing. I said nothing to stop the horror. Can the Indian community forgive me?

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Where will you stop?

Published on March 20, 2013 in Mental Health, PTSD, Secrets and Confessions and Trust. 0 Comments

I talked to Grace last night for about two hours. She asked me a very important question: ‘If you did this, what won’t you do? How far will you go?” She said I’d already crossed the line and that if I’d allow what I allowed then it’s hard to tell where I’ll stop. Fifteen years of friendship will get you straight forward, non-judgmental questions like that.

While I spoke to my therapist and some of the medical staff about it, Grace is the only non-medical related person I told. I tell her everything. Some things are harder to say but I tell her everything.

Right now I’m depressed and out of sorts. I’m tearful, dissociative, angry, distrusting, fearful.

Me

The Staff and Expectations

Published on March 15, 2013 in Anxiety, Emotions, Lupus Fibromyalgia and Trust. 0 Comments Tags: .

I saw a supervising nurse Wednesday or Thursday. I can’t remember which, but she was here for an extended period of time. I like her a lot. We talked a lot about DID and I showed her the video called INSiDE which is frighteningly accurate when it comes to inside my head. My therapist watched this video as well. He said it gave him a better appreciation for the level of noise in my head.

I saw my home health aide today. One of the nurses asked how she’s doing and I told her that it’s too early to give an accurate report of the aides performance. Had I answered the question that day it wouldn’t have been a positive report, but that report would have been based on my own issues and not the actual performance of the aide. Today though, today I can say that I like the aide. She has a gentle way about her and we do well together. She wants to be a nurse. I hope she is able to see that dream become a reality. What I appreciated about today was that she was much more relaxed. She seemed comfortable and moved around the house with ease. She didn’t add to my stress level. It was a good visit. What’s also interesting is that the entire time she was here she talked to me, Destiny. It seems like when the nurses come and sometimes with the physical therapist I end up switching to Amy Pink, my 5 year old. Sometimes Milwaukee comes out and goes on and on about the frogs but I think primarily they talk to Amy Pink.

I think I’m their first multiple. I fear they feel the need to walk on egg shells or they’ll trigger me into some episode I won’t come back from. That’s not so. Those poor things don’t know what to expect.

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