Dr. D said that its understandable that my views on sex are skewed seeing as how I was raised by a sadist and all. He says despite being raised by a sexual sadist I still have to come to grips with the fact that as a human being I have sexual urges. I told him that urges aren’t the problem, its my view of sex that’s the problem. I see it not as an act between two people but as payment for a wrong, actual or perceived. I see it as payment. If someone does something for me I feel I owe them. I also see sex as punishment and a way to humiliate.
Archive for the 'Trust' Category
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Dr. D told me the longer I wait to have sex the more difficulties I’ll have dealing with sexual urges. I know I’m sorta “in heat” but there’s an even greater need that trumps those urges. I need to stay safe in my body and in my head. Having, claiming and owning my sexual urges isn’t the problem, self harm and self destruction is.
For me the rain is dreary for Lea its time to play and splash about.
The water is receading quickly, which is a shock to me, it usually stays for day. It’s about half where it was just a few short hours ago. I figure Lea had her fun but then it was time for a nice soapy bath and a nap. She’s wrapped in her blanket and tucked in her crate snoring her little heart out. She’s my favorite little wet rat.
The few YouTube videos I’ve seen tell me I’d cry like a baby if I watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. I’ve never seen it and since it was mentioned during my visit I figured I’d look it up. There was one video called At Least I Tried where about 3.5 min in a Native American guy drew me to tears.
The first part of the scene Jack Nicholson tries to lift a marble water fountain with no success. When he turned to leave the area he told the other clients, “At least I tried.” The next part of the video shows a Naive man doing what was considered impossible. He lifted a marble drinking fountain off its foundation, walked through the hospital, put it threw a window and took his freedom. As I said, I’ve not seen the entire movie so I have no clue what happened to him after he left, don’t want to either.
I called the police yesterday to file a harassment report. When the officer came I explained to him what’s going on. He asked what it is I want to do. I told him what I want is to take the next 45 days to pack my stuff and I want to leave without incident. My lease says I need to give a 45 day written notice, I did that and I’d like to simply pack my stuff and walk out of here without constant harassment. I gave written notice June 15th, 2001. I have 45 days from there. Anyway, she may feel justified in harassing me on the phone, outside my door and on my blog but the truth of the matter is, people are bound by law to behave a certain way.
She’s expressed concern that I’d trash the place when I leave. I laugh at that. I’m sure some people would do that but in all truthfulness if I trashed the place it would hurt her father not her. I’ve stated this several times, as much as the man gets on my nerves I still see him in a very fatherly way. The issue is between me and his children not me and Fife Senior. Why would I trash my area of the house over her? Besides, trashing anything at all takes up more energy than I want to spend on her and it takes a good amount of emotional energy.
I intend to pack my shit at a steady pace. I intend to do therapy twice a week just as I’ve done for a good many years. I plan to do what I’ve done for the last 6 years while living here. I plan to do my dishes and my laundry. I intend to eat, sleep and create art. I plan to mess around in the yard. I will be the same silly, creative and sometimes off balance chick I’ve been for the last 6 years only I’ll do it with no contact from them. I won’t contact them and they won’t contact me. We’re talking 45 days, its not that long, not at all and it seems so easy to simply let me pack my shit and go. Lets hope they can let it happen that easily.
The last thing I’d like to say is this, no matter who is reading or why I intend to write about therapy stuff and general life stuff. That won’t change. As soon as I get a better monitor I’ll be able to write about some of the stuff I worked on while in the hospital. I need to get to the Salvation Army and pick up a monitor. Hopefully I can do that soon cause I want to write this stuff down.
J of A
It’s interesting, I just read on Kate’s blog about a request to change the style of clothing they wear. I’ve had some requests lately too. The request from inside us has been to dress with more color not just gray T-shirts, white or blue.
We’ve got a ton of skirts and dresses which have been worn a lot more lately but they want color. I don’t wear printed shirts but I’m sure I can find a few colored shirts I’d wear. The funny thing is, I can wear the skirt (solid or printed) but I can’t wear a girl’s blouse, at all. I can’t do that yet.
Sleep is vicious to me. It acts like I’ve personally offended it and is now set its life course to haunt me until I lose my mind. Wish it would tell me what I did or leave me alone.
While not sleeping I’ve been painting a bit…a lot.
This particular piece has a lot going on it it. I’ve got two pages filled with my own art therapy symbols then a little girl laying down seemingly calm and happy. At first glance its a happy picture of a little girl in a field with flowers but my symbols for anxiety stand out big time.
Sunflowers: Abuse, multiplicity, divisions
Swirls: Chaos, fear, confusion, overwhelmed
Flowers: Spilling of emotions positive or negative, usually negative and heavy emotions. The two emotions most represented by the presence of flowers are sadness and fear.
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