Lost - SanDisk MP3 Player
Lost - Relief from hypervigilance
Lost - Independence (functionality)
This morning I got up and prepared myself for therapy. When I pulled off I nearly slammed into Fife Senior’s car. I realized I was a bit dissociative so I stayed put for a bit. After waiting it out I pulled off and ran a quick errand then headed to the therapist’s office. The clock on the dash said I was making good time so I was quite relieved about that.
Since my radio doesn’t work I plug my MP3 player into the lighter socket and listen to my playlists. When I reached for it in my pocket it wasn’t there. I felt each pocket (while steering with my knee) then decided to pull over to check. Because I’d made a driving error which caused a few honked horns I decided that when I pulled over it would be at the parking lot across the street NOT the liquor store straight in front of me. I didn’t want to make it seem like I was driving crazy to get loaded. In the OTHER parking lot I pulled everything out but couldn’t find it. Fear, straight up fear. It was nowhere to be found.
Continue reading ‘Safely Returned’
The message from Team Hoyt, “Yes you can.”
This team has been known for years but today is the first I’ve ever heard of them. Today is a good day! I’m happy I know of their story. Of all the moments in this video that touch the heart there’s one sentence that makes me take pause. The father said of his son, “He’s happier than 95% of the population.” Hmmm, imagine that, happier than the wealthiest, than the poorest, the fastest, the most famous. Happy. Wow.
Continue reading ‘Happier Than 95% of the Population’
(Gratitude Entry-The Good Stuff)
The other day at therapy an elderly woman said to her husband, “It’s too much. It’s just too much.” Her husband held her hand and said, “I understand you’re afraid.” It was one of the most tender moments I’ve witnessed in a very long time.
A young black boy still bandaged up from his Cochlear implant surgery walked down the isles of Wal-mart with his older brother. It was obvious the older brother was very protective of him but he smiled when a young white boy signed to his little brother from across the way.
There was the tiniest little girl slumped over in a chair sleeping while dressed in her over stuffed pink snowsuit. Her little snore sounded like a kitten’s purr. It was the sweetest thing ever. She was so tiny. A lady in the waiting room asked her mother, “Where can I get one of those?” I think most stores are sold out of Pink Purring Girls but the shelves are fully stocked with Tickle Me Elmo.
Big, beautiful snowflakes have fallen since early this morning. It’s cold outside but undeniably beautiful.
I sometimes think to myself, God must be one proud Artist. He sure knows how to paint the best pictures. No wonder he looked down and saw that it was good.
J of A
The first few years when I celebrated my day of independence it was solemn, almost frightening at times. In later years I was nearly in party mode with excitement about how much more life I had left. It’s true, with each passing anniversary it’s significance impacts me differently, in a more profound way than words can explain.
This anniversary I was in the middle of a flair up which meant my skirt didn’t get finished and I didn’t feel like getting dress up. At one point during the day I needed to take a nap due to fatigue which is common with Lupus. I later got up, grabbed a cup of coffee and cleaned the house. I moved about the day doing regular, everyday life things but I did it with satisfaction. “Just because” it was my anniversary it didn’t mean the world was going to stop or that my responsibilities would disappear. As a matter of fact those responsibilities made the day even better because they’re part of the life I have now, the life separate from my abuser and her family. While caring for the aquarium isn’t something someone would do on a day of celebration it is a task one takes on during a real day with other real life happenings. Caring for the aquarium is something I enjoy doing as is doting on my furry creature family. It makes me happy to care for them so to do it on this day felt right, natural.
Continue reading ‘Ordinary Can Be Extraordinary’
The question has arisen: It’s been eighteen years, does it still feel the same as when you first started observing this day? Answer: No, it feels better each year.
So why do I observe February 2nd of each year? I observe it because I made it out of there. I lived through it and went on to work towards thriving. Too many survivors didn’t make it out alive or made it out with scars that left them without human compassion or the ability to connect to any living thing. I made it out with my heart which seemed impossible to do under the circumstances. Another reason I observe this day is that too many, way too survivors died without us knowing their name, without us knowing their struggles so I take a moment each February 2nd to honor them.
Each year that passes that I stay away from that family I say loud and clear, “It’s over. You can’t hurt me anymore.” Each year that passes I get stronger and stronger and the resolve is harder to break. February 2nd is a moment of pride because I managed something I was never prepared for. I managed something I was told I could never do but here I am, 18 years later living.
Continue reading ‘I’m doing this for me’
I’d forgotten how hard it is to go to the vet and leave an animal there. The last time I did that was when I had to put Captain down. Today when I took Louie in to get fixed I handed him over to the vet reluctantly. My heart sank. To hand your animal over to a relative stranger for care is a HUGE act of trust, one I forget about until it’s time to do it. I handed him to her, she walked away and I no longer had control of the welfare of my baby. Talk about feeling powerless.
Before Louie went in to get fixed I sat out in the waiting area with a bunch of dogs and cats and their owners. I paired up with two women waiting and we laughed and joked the whole time until it was our turn to see the doctor. That part was easy and fun which was in stark contrast to walking through the door to a rather rough vet who tore Louie’s collar off and told me it was too dangerous for him. She never made eye contact with me either. She felt his belly, looked at his eyes and ears then his teeth. It looks as if he has two teeth missing teeth and a few battle scars. He doesn’t have to worry about that anymore though.
Continue reading ‘A Day At The Vet’
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