I wrote the entry about resilience in relation to the loss of a friend’s husband to death. My friend’s husband was in the final stages of MS but he also had a seizure disorder. He died in his sleep. In an instant my friend became a 27 year old widow and single mother of a one year old daughter. Her husband was 32 years old. My friend took her one year old and moved to New Albany to stay with friends. I hope to talk to her soon.
I may have written the entry about dealing with the loss and the sadness of her situation but it now applies to the loss of my sweet kitty Bella. About 4:30 this morning she passed away. I never expected her to be one of those cats that lives forever but I figured she’d make it past 4 years old. She’s been sick for awhile. Each winter she sort of hibernates and you can see it in her eyes that she doesn’t feel well. For the last 3 winters I wasn’t sure if she’d make it through, this winter she didn’t.
Continue reading ‘Exploring Losses’
The first few years when I celebrated my day of independence it was solemn, almost frightening at times. In later years I was nearly in party mode with excitement about how much more life I had left. It’s true, with each passing anniversary it’s significance impacts me differently, in a more profound way than words can explain.
This anniversary I was in the middle of a flair up which meant my skirt didn’t get finished and I didn’t feel like getting dress up. At one point during the day I needed to take a nap due to fatigue which is common with Lupus. I later got up, grabbed a cup of coffee and cleaned the house. I moved about the day doing regular, everyday life things but I did it with satisfaction. “Just because” it was my anniversary it didn’t mean the world was going to stop or that my responsibilities would disappear. As a matter of fact those responsibilities made the day even better because they’re part of the life I have now, the life separate from my abuser and her family. While caring for the aquarium isn’t something someone would do on a day of celebration it is a task one takes on during a real day with other real life happenings. Caring for the aquarium is something I enjoy doing as is doting on my furry creature family. It makes me happy to care for them so to do it on this day felt right, natural.
Continue reading ‘Ordinary Can Be Extraordinary’
Most of these are based on anger and feeling overwhelmed and taxed. One in particular has to do with Bella being sick yet again. There’s one I like to call basic or primitive which is the box with the three colors around it. It shows how shut down I was feeling after a nightmare written about in my sketchbook. One drawing shows a woman hanging from a tree. There’s a house in another tree and they’re surrounded by bright colors as her body is picked over by vultures. I have no idea where that came from but I do know I purposely made it all bright and sunny with a very dark theme.
Some of my anger issues have to do with the loss of a friendship which I cherished. I’m quite angry over that and wish it hadn’t come to such a senseless end as it did. There’s confusion and concern for why I can’t seem to keep my head on straight at home right now. Also in the drawings are a few dream themes of things morphing from one thing to another. I think the one that stands out for me most is the one that’s all bright and cheerfully painted but has a dark theme. It’s presented as almost a childlike drawing, presented as innocent and maybe even fun, that’s what the colors say anyway. It’s hard to know what to feel when I look at it. It’s a true representation of my inner conflict, of the face I show outside, the craziness in my head, where I want to go, where I’ve been and the loss of energy trying to make sense of it all. There are so many contradictions and …..yeah, nothing is what it seems to be. Never trust the colors……
Continue reading ‘Never Trust The Colors’
I’m an adult yet when I sleep I need comfort, security, peace. For a few weeks now I’ve wanted a pacifier while sleeping. I know what kind I want too. I don’t want the baby kind. I want one slightly larger with a harder plastic than what children use. I just want to curl up with my face towards the wall, hold my teddy bear and sleep. I don’t even want to use the pacifier. I just want it to sit in my mouth while I fall asleep.
I feel so unprotected sometimes, vulnerable, exposed. By the time I got to sleep I’m not just physically tired but emotionally exhausted. I just want to feel the security of a newborn who depends upon someone else to make everything okay, make everything warm and safe.
Continue reading ‘Sleeping With A Pacifier’
Published on
January 21, 2010 in
Humor and Pets.
Dear Louie Z
But, but, I took you in off the streets. I fed you. I got you fixed for your own health and for proper eco balance. One stray cat can wreak havoc on environmental balance. I acted to save YOU and the WORLD and this is how you repay me? You spray me in the face? You come up to me purring and acting all lovey dovey, lift your tail and spray me in the face? Hmmm, doesn’t seem too grateful to me. You seemed so surprised I wasn’t complimented by your markings. Nope, I wasn’t complimented. I was furious and ready to twirl you by your tail. Then I saw those soft, beautiful eyes and realized I couldn’t swing you here and there. You purred and I knew I didn’t have it in my to toss you back outside in the bitter winter air. Now you’re in the larger dog crate waiting for me to explain to you why I didn’t accept your gift. We’ll get back to that discussion later, probably tomorrow.
Continue reading ‘This is How You Repay Me?’
I’d forgotten how hard it is to go to the vet and leave an animal there. The last time I did that was when I had to put Captain down. Today when I took Louie in to get fixed I handed him over to the vet reluctantly. My heart sank. To hand your animal over to a relative stranger for care is a HUGE act of trust, one I forget about until it’s time to do it. I handed him to her, she walked away and I no longer had control of the welfare of my baby. Talk about feeling powerless.
Before Louie went in to get fixed I sat out in the waiting area with a bunch of dogs and cats and their owners. I paired up with two women waiting and we laughed and joked the whole time until it was our turn to see the doctor. That part was easy and fun which was in stark contrast to walking through the door to a rather rough vet who tore Louie’s collar off and told me it was too dangerous for him. She never made eye contact with me either. She felt his belly, looked at his eyes and ears then his teeth. It looks as if he has two teeth missing teeth and a few battle scars. He doesn’t have to worry about that anymore though.
Continue reading ‘A Day At The Vet’
I’m avoiding people for the most part. I seem very detached from most things and most people.
A cat showed up a few days ago. I brought him in yesterday I think it was. I’ve been looking on Craigslist to see if anyone lost him. I’ll be housing his little self for a bit. until I can find his owners or find him a new home. I think this is cat #3 in the last year or so that’s come in my yard and stayed. He sleeps in the baby carriage which is too sweet for words.
I’m fatigued, spacey and concerned about it. What have I forgotten? Who was I supposed to call? Where was I supposed to be today? My head is blank and I just want to go to sleep.
Fife’s daughter called on the 21st and said she was canceling Christmas. She said no one should come over because she wasn’t going to do a tree, make dinner or give out presents. She said the only present she’s giving this year are stocks to her 10 year old son. The boy is getting stocks for Christmas. He’ll be in therapy by the time he’s thirty. I didn’t realize she has the power to cancel someone’s holiday but evidently that power has been given to her.
Continue reading ‘This, That and the Other’
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