Archive for the 'Relationships' Category

The Rules of War and Peace

Published on January 28, 2012 in Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, Emotions, Fear, Letters Home, Relationships and Secrets and Confessions. 3 Comments Tags: , .

The very first thing I do when there’s a new relationship is think to myself: how can I get out of this? Where is my exit?

I need to feel in control by serving. That sounds so strange but really, if I provide everything….food, comfort, clean clothing, a clean house, affection, etc, etc am I not in control? It’s also a set up because when things go south trust me, you’ll hear about how I did everything and got treated like shit. I cooked, cleaned, kept that house running and still got treated like shit. It’s a set up. I’m telling you, I’m not the person to go out with. I go in looking for a way out and I go in setting you up to fail!

At this time I’m not capable of truly loving you but I am capable of being co-dependent.

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The Bi-sexual Addict

Published on October 18, 2011 in Relationships, Soapbox and Stupid People. 3 Comments Tags: , .

A neighbor stopped by earlier this evening to see the cat (its her family’s cat that I’m fostering). While here she and I got on the subject of lesbianism. That always happens. I’m not sure why but it does, people just have to ask all sorts of questions and make really silly assumptions about what girls do. She’s also one of those people who can’t accept the fact that people are gay. She thinks that I haven’t found the right guy yet and that I just have to get out there and find him. She kept giving me scenarios that might turn me on and make me want to sleep with a guy. I kept telling her no, I don’t think so. Finally I told her the one thing I would do, which resulted in her raising her glass for a toast. LOL. I blushed but she wanted to toast. LOL.

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In Time

Published on September 27, 2011 in Emotions, Grief Sadness Loss, Love, Morton's Pride, Relationships and Trust. 0 Comments Tags: .

As I wipe away dust and fold clothes by the window I hear Jacquelyn tell me to pace myself.

I realize I’ve been gone for awhile. I look at the condition of the house and see that a 19 year old boy has occupied my home for nearly three months without taking care to clean it and without concern for the others who live in this head. At first I was irritated that so much needs to be done. Pay a few bills, do the laundry, take out the trash, wash the car (he seems to have messed that up too) and for the love of Pete get some good food in this body of ours. I can feel the difference. I can tell that a teenager has made our food choices. I don’t begrudge him though. I don’t.

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Orca Blues and Dead Brain Cells

Published on September 27, 2011 in Anger, Emotions, Pets and Relationships. 2 Comments

You know you have a problem with anger when the fish have begun to piss you off!!!

There’s a strong possibility that my anger issues have reached their pentacle. I’m just pissed. Here’s the thing, the goldfish keep throwing rocks inside the tank. They’re not little things either; they’re monstrous so when they pick up gravel (to see if it has food on it) they toss it back out of their mouths with power. A healthy fish is always swimming around looking for a tid-bit so that’s not the problem; the problem is that these big mo-fo’s toss around gravel as if no one ever told them the number one rule of living in a glass house. The noise of them ‘throwing rocks’ is much the same as the sound of some kid outside throwing pebbles at your window. Ting, ting, tink, on and on until I want to scream, “You’re not gonna be happy until your stupid asses are on the floor.”

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Quiet

Published on September 13, 2011 in Anxiety, Depression, Mental Health, PTSD, Relationships and Therapy. 1 Comment

I know I’m kind of quiet but here’s a few things I’ve been thinking about.

First and foremost I hope my good friend Kathryn doesn’t end up in the hospital. She’s been on my mind a lot.  I know how difficult chronic pain is. Heck, it can drain you emotionally and physically then make you want to die just so it’ll all stop. My hope is that something will give for her so she can have a break. Too much, it’s just too much. I feel for her.

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Womanchild in a Fairy Tale

Published on August 22, 2011 in Relationships and Secrets and Confessions. 1 Comment Tags: , .

A crush is so much harder than sex. Sex is easy, mindless almost, but a crush is hard work and complicated. It leaves me feeling vulnerable, less in control than I’d like to be.

Cowboi showed up in a white dress shirt, black slacks, black socks and black shoes. She had her hair spiked and looked totally awesome! Back to the shoes. I mentioned the color of her socks because that’s kind of important. Had she worn brown socks or God forbid, white socks that would have spoken volumes to me. I was truly pleased to see clean, black socks with nice, clean black shoes.

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Hearts in the Bath Tub

Published on July 20, 2011 in Abuse, Borderline Personality Disorder, Fear, Grief Sadness Loss, Love and Relationships. 0 Comments Tags: .

The waiting, the eventuality of it must be ……………. I don’t know what words to put there. The personal responsibility for saving the suicidal person has to be heavy.

 I felt personally responsible for keeping my mother alive. She talked a lot about killing herself, especially when I was younger. As I got older it was much less about killing herself and more about abandoning us kids. She said she was tired of me and my sister fighting, tired of everything. She said one day she was going to go in the restroom and kill herself. I used to cut out little hearts from construction paper and tape them to the walls in her shower. I hoped she’s see them and know I loved her and it would change her mind, give her a reason to live. It went like that again and again. Threats of suicide, paper hearts, handmade cards, a life saved, a child robbed.  

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