PLEASE READ THE UPDATE AT THE BOTTOM.
I believe I have upset a friend for needing to get rid of him but this is not going to work. I understand that after he is fixed this behavior MAY eventually stop but…….but.
She says, well, it wouldn’t bother me. My response is very negative to that.
Judge if you will, think poorly of me if you will but its not your bed that he’s pleasuring himself on and ejaculating on. It’s not your floor this is happening to or your brain that is trying to process it. DON’T YOU DARE stand in judgement of me or tell me, ‘well, it wouldn’t bother me.” IT DESTROYS MY HEAD. It doesn’t bother me either, IT DESTROYS MY HEAD. Continue reading ‘Mikey Mouse Troubles Pt2′
In one afternoon Betty and I destroyed an entire regions tea traditions. Just for the record, I had no part in it but I am guilty by association. The two of us, the odd couple friends, stood in her kitchen giggling like school girls as she added the worst possible ingredients to Masala chai. We brewed the tea the traditional way because Google showed us how. However, Betty didn’t really like it so she began to tweak it a bit. The woman added half and half creamer, chocolate and mini marshmallows. And I did nothing to protect the Indian culture. I am so sorry to all my Indian friends because I stood by as she decimated your culture. I wanted to be part of the bigger tea community and really make a tea difference. I wanted to be part of the international committee that proclaims quality tea is a basic human right. I fear that hope has been lost. The final blow was when she pulled out Chewy Chips Ahoy cookies and ate them right along side this nightmarish concoction. Again, I did nothing. I said nothing to stop the horror. Can the Indian community forgive me?
Continue reading ‘Friendship Complexities’
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There have been many things lately that have come up with Betty that I don’t like. As a matter of fact I realize, I don’t trust her. I needed to check and see what she’s thinking because I needed to know if its just my head playing tricks on me. So I asked her if she likes my new place. Does she think it’s dirty, is she unhappy with the furniture? Those were all the things playing in my head again and again. She said no and asked where I got that idea. I got it from some of what she’s said and did but maybe some of it I took too close to heart because of all that’s going on right now.
I’m sensitive…..fragmented…..self loathing and lost. I know my head isn’t right but in my gut, I…..argh……I fear what she evokes in me……..I fear her possessiveness and controlling nature. I fear speaking badly of her because I don’t want it to sound like she’s a terrible person or that I only see her one way. I don’t want it to seem as if she’s all bad one day and all good another. I’d like to see this as a rough patch where I see parts of her personality that are difficult for me to manage but mostly what want to see doesn’t go with what I feel.
Continue reading ‘If Looks Could Kill’
The days are long and tiring but better. I’ll take better.
I’m going through one 9 volt battery a day on my TENS unit. In a few days I’ll have more leads and pads for it. I’ll have 4 electrodes instead of two which will help ease pain.
I have energy in spurts. I pack to move with these energy bursts.
Energy is a precious commodity.
I’ve been less angry about this flare up than other flairs. I’m exhausted, frustrated, ready for this to stop but I feel less anger over my health situation.
Continue reading ‘The days are long and tiring but better’
This is an inner conversation where I was trying to process a situation. This has nothing to do with Dissociative Identity Disorder, its a typical inner conversation where I’m processing an emotional occurrence. The situation processed is about watching a friend and knowing full well its best to just shut my mouth and not offer any kind of advice or insight. I need to separate myself from this particular issue, not the friendship but this particular issue.
Voice of Reason, Me = Vicky
Emotionally Charged Me = Tony
Tony- biting nails, scowling, brows deep maybe in anger, frustration mixed with a hundred other things. A hundred why’s, a hundred kinds of concern, a hundred kinds of ‘what are you doing’ kind of questions.
Vicky: This isn’t yours, you know that right?
Tony: (still biting her nails) – Yeah. I know.
Vicky: So you’re going to let it go, not get too wrapped up in it?
Tony: It’s doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different outcome.
Vicky: It isn’t yours. Just because you think you see it clearly doesn’t mean you have to ‘help her see it clearly’. You have no control over this situation and it doesn’t belong to you to ‘help her see’ anything. Continue reading ‘Reason and Emotion – An Inner Conversation’
One: I want to numb it and I want to run and shake my head back and forth. I want to shake it off, make it not matter, make myself not care. I’ll figure out a place to put it and simply let it go.
Two: Next month a friend has said she and I will get together for lunch. This is the same friend who cancels the day of arrangements with some huge emergency She says she can get together the next day and we’ll do something even better. I get together with her the next day filled with resentment. Last time when she canceled I refused her next day plan. I was so angry I couldn’t see straight. I let myself get all excited. I wanted it to happen. This time she called me for the plans but I do not see this lunch coming to fruition. I will not get my hopes up. I will not let it hurt. I know the chance is slim that she will come through so there is no need to get my hopes up, no need to look forward to it.
Continue reading ‘Two Matters and a Resolution’
I’d better find some self control quickly. Yes, last night was horrible. It was absolutely terrible but I can’t be like everyone else. I can’t be the loud mouth, violent speaking, yelling at a moments notice kind of person that fills this world. Around 4:30 this morning I was a woman with no self control. And it matters not that I had a hard night. It doesn’t matter that I was in incredible pain or that around 4 am I was finally able to put my body on the bed and manage that pain too. Only to those closest to me is that relevant.
Self control is the first line of defense in a world gone mad.
At 4:30 am a car pulled and parked outside my bedroom window which happened to be open. His radio was blasting so loudly that it woke me up. He sat there with his windows down and the radio blasting. I jumped up and yelled out to him, “It’s 4:30 in the morning. TURN THAT RADIO DOWN.” Finally some guy came out, got in the car and they drove off.
There was no cursing, nothing like that it was just that I should have closed my window, period. I need self control, less impulsivity.
Continue reading ‘In a World Gone Mad’