Archive for the 'Relationships' Category

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Orca Blues and Dead Brain Cells

Published on September 27, 2011 in Anger, Emotions, Pets and Relationships. 2 Comments

You know you have a problem with anger when the fish have begun to piss you off!!!

There’s a strong possibility that my anger issues have reached their pentacle. I’m just pissed. Here’s the thing, the goldfish keep throwing rocks inside the tank. They’re not little things either; they’re monstrous so when they pick up gravel (to see if it has food on it) they toss it back out of their mouths with power. A healthy fish is always swimming around looking for a tid-bit so that’s not the problem; the problem is that these big mo-fo’s toss around gravel as if no one ever told them the number one rule of living in a glass house. The noise of them ‘throwing rocks’ is much the same as the sound of some kid outside throwing pebbles at your window. Ting, ting, tink, on and on until I want to scream, “You’re not gonna be happy until your stupid asses are on the floor.”

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Quiet

Published on September 13, 2011 in Anxiety, Depression, Mental Health, PTSD, Relationships and Therapy. 1 Comment

I know I’m kind of quiet but here’s a few things I’ve been thinking about.

First and foremost I hope my good friend Kathryn doesn’t end up in the hospital. She’s been on my mind a lot.  I know how difficult chronic pain is. Heck, it can drain you emotionally and physically then make you want to die just so it’ll all stop. My hope is that something will give for her so she can have a break. Too much, it’s just too much. I feel for her.

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Womanchild in a Fairy Tale

Published on August 22, 2011 in Relationships and Secrets and Confessions. 1 Comment Tags: , .

A crush is so much harder than sex. Sex is easy, mindless almost, but a crush is hard work and complicated. It leaves me feeling vulnerable, less in control than I’d like to be.

Cowboi showed up in a white dress shirt, black slacks, black socks and black shoes. She had her hair spiked and looked totally awesome! Back to the shoes. I mentioned the color of her socks because that’s kind of important. Had she worn brown socks or God forbid, white socks that would have spoken volumes to me. I was truly pleased to see clean, black socks with nice, clean black shoes.

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Hearts in the Bath Tub

Published on July 20, 2011 in Abuse, Borderline Personality Disorder, Fear, Grief Sadness Loss, Love and Relationships. 0 Comments Tags: .

The waiting, the eventuality of it must be ……………. I don’t know what words to put there. The personal responsibility for saving the suicidal person has to be heavy.

 I felt personally responsible for keeping my mother alive. She talked a lot about killing herself, especially when I was younger. As I got older it was much less about killing herself and more about abandoning us kids. She said she was tired of me and my sister fighting, tired of everything. She said one day she was going to go in the restroom and kill herself. I used to cut out little hearts from construction paper and tape them to the walls in her shower. I hoped she’s see them and know I loved her and it would change her mind, give her a reason to live. It went like that again and again. Threats of suicide, paper hearts, handmade cards, a life saved, a child robbed.  

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Excessive Apologies and Art Therapy

Published on July 18, 2011 in Abuse, Anxiety, Art Therapy, Borderline Personality Disorder, Emotions, Fear, PTSD and Relationships. 2 Comments

I stopped apologizing to the family that helped me move. I wanted to apologize for existing, apologize for the amount of dust in the house, apologize for everything. I apologized twice, I think, then told them there would be no more. It’s uncomfortable for others when I over apologize but man I wanted to say it every 5 min just so they knew I realized what I burden I was being. I didn’t because it wasn’t necessary. That family, my friends, were there not out of obligation but because they wanted to be. That feels good ya know? They didn’t have to, they wanted to help.

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A side salad and a window seat

Published on July 11, 2011 in Gratitude Journal and Relationships. 0 Comments Tags: , .

I’m more than half way unpacked. While unpacking I haven’t stopped to cook a meal or anything, I’ve just eaten sandwiches and salads. The other night as I sat on the futon and picked out Chinese crunchy noodles, I was reminded of all those nostalgic times with an old girlfriend I used to traveled with. Sometimes we only traveled across town, but across town there’s a really wonderful hotel that serves free cocktails every Thursday evening. She and I checked in Wednesday, closed the curtains to shut the world out then we’d chat until all hours of the evening. We’d sing show tunes in the hot tub, dance in the room and sit down to a candle lit microwave meal and a side salad. Once Thursday evening hit it was Cosmopolitan time for me and several Tom Collins for her. After free booze it was back upstairs for more girl time. We had a blast doing that. For most of nine years she and I found a way to have mini vacations like this.  Expensive? Yes, but well worth the bonding time.  

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Change: Death and Birth

Published on July 11, 2011 in Depression, Grief Sadness Loss and Relationships. 0 Comments

There’s a sense of community here that speaks to the part of me that longs to belong to something or someone. Today a neighbor started an impromptu barbeque. Once the smoke traveled others joined in. No invitations went out, it was a given, all are invited.

Someone brought baked beans; I brought a sheet cake, plates and plastic forks. Someone else brought pork chops and another brought hamburgers, another buns. There was beer and Kool-aide. Despite the fact that there was plenty of Budweiser no one was out of control, loud or obnoxious.

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