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Aussie Conversation: Silence
Coffee Interrupted
Thinking to myself- What’s wrong with this coffee, it tastes weired? I then realized I only put in cream and sugar. There was no vanilla, no mocha flavoring, no cinnamon hazelnut, no peppermint and chocolate. Just coffee, cream and sugar. Weird! I was too asleep to remember how to make a proper cup of coffee.
At the table, with my back to her, facing the picture window I say -Will you turn the coffee pot off please?
Blossom turns the pot off and says- Are you done? You don’t want any more?
Me – I will in a minute. I just don’t want it to um ….
Blossom –To sit hot getting stronger.
Me – No. I just don’t …
Blossom – You don’t want it to sit and burn the carafe.
I’m dead silent with a look of irritation.
Blossom – Sorry.
Me – I don’t want to burn up the heating element.
Humor Destroyed
Blossom over the phone says– There’s a mother’s day cartoon of a mother fish and a bunch of her babies swimming in a pond. Each baby gave the mother a card. “Thanks mom for not letting Dad eat me, Love Chloe.”
I laughed. She read on.
Blossom - “Thanks mom for not letting Dad eat me, Love Bruce.”
I laughed more as she read the baby fish thanking their mom for not letting the father fish eat them. She then said,
Blossom - I brought it into my therapist to give to her clients whose mother left an abusive husband. “Thanks Mom for not letting Dad beat me.”
Me - Silence. More silence. My gracious you know how to ruin a good moment and depress a person.
Blossom – Sorry, would you rather I go back to humoring you?
Me – (more silence) No, I gotta go.
NOTE: No Blossom and I are NOT dating again. Don’t even let your mind go there.
Aussie Conversation: Silence-Wednesday, May 14, 2008-12:52PM EST
Other Aussie Conversations - Scrap That There Idea, Down a Twisted Road, I Just Wanted A Nice Dinner,
Getting Older
When visiting Beauty’s blog I like to read the quotes on her sidebar. Here’s one I saw today. I’m sure she won’t mind me yet again snatching a quote from her. I even snatch the icons on her sidebar from time to time and send them to her as if I discovered it somewhere other than her blog. I send them in email as if she has no idea those icons and pictures exist. “Oh look what I found. I thought you might like this. I’m sure you’ve never seen it before.” Anyway so today I saw a quote that reminded me of a journal entry I’ve been meaning to write.
The great thing about getting older is that you don’t lose all the other ages you’ve been. -Madeleine L’Engle
Yes but, you do lose the natural colour of your hair forcing you to use box dyes to cover up the horrible realization that you inherited your grandmother’s wirey gold/gray hair. Damn you Grandmama, Damn you!
I was going to blog about my new gray hairs but figured I’d get no REAL sympathy, just comments of how early you went gray and how some of you guys have lost your hair, etc. Basically I figured I’d get comments like “suck it up Austin, you could be me.” Well dang it I’m not you AND I’m going gray. Is there no justice in this world? I don’t mind getting older it’s just that my inheritance really sucks. After all I’ve been through 6 wirey gray/gold Grandmama hairs is too much to take. Why! Why must this happen? Is there no justice for me? Can I return my inheritance. Can’t my gray hairs be one colour or the other and maybe even a little soft? It makes me wonder what that one (and I do mean one) little hair on my chinny chin, chin is going to look like in a few years. I shave that thing off but will I wake one day with it growing wild, dotted in gray and gold, piercing the pillow leaving a hole for feathers to escaped? Oh the humanity!
This was not supposed to happen to me. So in addition to breasts that compete for who can touch the floor first I now have to contend with my Grandmama’s gray hair. Do you know how tired I am of rolling my breasts to put them in the “sling”? I do the bending over, shaking dance to coerce them into the “sling” but the girls just don’t want to stay. Inevitably they peak out above the “Just My Size” brace forcing me to again bend over and shake them back into the perfect roll they were in before their escape. I lay in bed and they fall to my arm pits. Then and only then am I flat chested. If I get up too fast from a sitting position I could hurt somebody. I’ll never jog now. One wrong turn and I could take out a whole city block. The news report would be that a heavy set black woman with gray/gold hair and one (repeat one) gray/gold chin hair has been jailed for a drive by boobing.
My God does it not stop!!!!
Austin
Dear Harley Davidson
Dear Harley Davidson
Wednesday April 30, 2008 at approximately 2:50PM the unspeakable happened. I was on my way to therapy (thank God because I needed a professional’s help to process what I saw) when out of the corner of my eye was a man who took one of your bikes, painted it cobalt blue then added orange, yellow and red flames. The offender even had a cobalt blue helmet with a flame on the side. I am so sorry this has happened. The only thing that could have made this day worse for me would have been had the offender spun his back tire on the head of a beautiful sunflower. Had said offender done this I’d be in a total state of shock and unable to report his heinous acts against your company and all who appreciate your products.
Dear John of CarrotsHiccups.com
I’ve been getting carrot hiccups for years. Well my wife, Carol, decided to look it up and found your site. I agree that there should be a site to support this odd affliction, and since I’m into blogging and have the carrot hiccups I’ll pick up the gauntlet and start the blog. I just ordered the domain and am waiting for it to resolve. carrothiccups dot com will be up soon. Give it a few days. Of course “The People Behind My Eyes” blog will have an honored spot in the links portion of the new Carrot Hiccups site. So please drop buy and share.
JP
From Hiccups and Carrots Support Group, 2008/04/24 at 7:20 PM
Dear Johnny P,
I feel I deserve a bit more as I’ve been supporting your hiccup group for quite some time. I believe some sort of certificate, some sort of award (preferably monetary) would be more appropriate than a link. Who was there for all you carrots and hiccups people when no one else was? Me. That’s right, me! Who stayed up with you in the middle of the night talking you through the hard hiccup times? Me. And who gave you a place to congregate, to come together for support, understanding, validation? Me. That’s right, Me. And you want to offer a mere link? My gracious, how ungrateful. All the years I’ve poured into Hiccups and Carrots Anonymous and you want to give me a link! All the blood, sweat and tears reduced to a link. That’s what I get for trying to help. I’m nearly swept to the corner instead of hailed like the queen I am. So much for my carrots and hiccups kingdom. There’s been a revolution, my reign is over. Damn you JP. Damn you! Rebel! (Austin stomps off in a huff)
Really though, thanks for dropping by. You gave me a laugh. All you carrots and hiccups people are still welcome at The People Behind My Eyes cause I’m sure you’ve got more problems than hiccups, most people do. Read here about abuse recovery and mental health awareness. See art, read poetry and everyday life entries. Welcome all, the recovered and still recovering from hiccups or whatever. Sit back and get ready. I intend to make you think. Welcome to Sundrip Journals.
Austin
Now I’m Dog Sick
I told the chick my sense of humor never really leaves. I could be on my death bed and still crack jokes. But was I joking as I made my list of “I’m dog sick demands”! Who knows. But I do have a list of demands. See, it’s really hard to deny a sick person what they ask for. I tried to tell ~E~ that while pregnant her chances of getting away with stuff are great. She should take advantage of being pregnant. I even sent her a list of things to pull and blame on the pregnancy. Now here I am, not pregnant but sick…and not for 9 months either. However, like pregnant people sick people are easy to feel sorry for and we get away with murder too. Soooo, I feel my situation should be milked for all it’s worth.
I compiled the list of demands before my oxygen level hit an all time low preventing me from putting two cells together to come up with a manipulative scheme. I like to plan ahead. I’m a thinker ya know? So, this is my list for this bought of sickness which has taken a turn in just a matter of hours. Soooooo, I’ll be going in tomorrow morning to get check out. I should be home in the evening sometime. When I return home I expect to see all of the following on my doorstep. If you must charter a plane to get these items here on time then so be it. But everything should be on my doorstep no later than Friday at noon Eastern Standard Time. Consider yourself notified.
- Rum Raisin Häagen Dazs ice cream (Please let Beauty wrap this. She always goes crazy with the tape and pretty much water proofs everything she sends. She’ll do great with sending the ice cream via the mail.)
- Lavender and Vanilla fabric softener for my warmed blankets and fluffed pillows.
- Homemade chicken soup. Don’t come to me with Campbell’s! I’m dyin’ here, I want the real thing. (You hear that Julie The Garden Lady? The real thing, an Amish version would be preferable.)
- Ice pack with a sunflower decal
- One French maid in full costume fully certified as a masseuse - You know who you are, see ya when you get here sweetie
Really though, it takes more than bronchitis or whatever this has developed into to take my sense of humor away. I really would like to have the French maid though. That would be so awesome!!!
ta ta for now,
Austin (livin’, laughin’ but not lovin’)
Aussie Conversations: Down A Twisted Road
Three cups of coffee, two girls and a guy sitting in the living room having a perfectly nice time then one friend decides to take the conversation down a twisted road. I’m sipping my mocha coffee (that would be a tad bit of almond extract, chocolate syrup and vanilla extract) when this conversation ensued:
Male friend: It occurred to me the other day that my therapist is my bitch.
Aussie: (cleaning the coffee spit up on her shirt) What?
Male friend: Yeah, I pay him by the hour. He says what we do is up to me. That makes him my bitch. I’m his pimp.
Aussie: Oookayyyy…
Female friend: No, that makes you his John. The insurance company is his pimp.
Aussie: I know that’s the truth.
Male friend: Well he’s still my bitch.
Aussie: See, this is exactly why you have years upon years of healing left to do. You’re one sick puppy you know that?
Although we do have meaningful conversations during dinner or while having coffee sometimes theres a break in reality for things such as the above. Even so we all went back to sipping as if the man hadn’t just strayed off the path and went right down Strange Street, took a left on Twisted Road then parked on Out of His Mind Lane. I fear he may stay parked for awhile. LOL
Aussie Conversations: Down A Twisted Road
Monday, March 24, 2008-4:17PM EST
Random Friday: Now That’s Just Nasty
Last Tuesday I went to see my therapist. My regular cab driver came to pick me up in his regular attire, a red shirt, a half combed afro and long finger nails. I can’t stand a guy with long finger nails; it grosses me out for some reason. Well, when it comes time to paying the cabby I do so once a month so that I only have to reach up and take the chance of touching him once. But this month I needed to pay him as I went which increased my chances of touching him. So, Tuesday I climbed into the cab, coffee in hand, money in hand and what happens? He reaches back to take the money and I’ll be damned if his finger nails weren’t dirty. Under ONE finger nail was something brown. Oh shit, what am I going to do now? I’m in a cab with a guy who has long finger nails and they’re dirty!!! I’m trapped, like a caged animal I’m trapped!! But I can’t panic. I’ve gotta catch my breath, think, think, think. I figured I could always tuck and roll out of the cab and take my chances with highway traffic. The mug might not make it but so be it. I have to calm down, the therapy office isn’t that far, I think to myself. It was a long ride, a very long ride. He grossed me out so badly I couldn’t even finish my coffee. It got wasted, so I figure the man owes me a cup of coffee.
Other stuff that grosses me out thoroughly and falls under the “now that’s just nasty” category:
Strange Symptoms, Yours or Mine?
I didn’t get to bed until 5am Monday morning. I set my alarm clock for 9am to call the cab company to take me to therapy. Most of the night my back was killing me.
I talked to a friend today who lives half across the country. She was complaining about her lack of sleep. She said she didn’t get to bed until 5am and that she automatically woke at 9am. She said she was in so much pain she couldn’t believe it. Of course I sat silently on the other end of the phone wondering if I should say something. Then I piped up with, “Are you serious?” I told her when I went to bed and what I set my alarm clock for. I then asked her if this is her PMS I’m feeling. If so, damn you woman, damn you!
This sort of thing happens all the time with me and her as well as me and other friends I’m really close with. So this is what I’ve concluded, before I accept new friendships I will have them fill out a questionnaire. It’ll be to protect us both…from each other. They must be able to pass the “pain test” or as I like to say, they must be in compliance with the “Pain Free Friendship Act.”
Do you or have or have you ever had any of the following? Is there a chance you will ever have any of the following?
JAGA Update
Read the PS
I talked to JAGA. She’s getting along, trying to get settled in. Right now she can’t find the cords to her PC so she’s offline until she finds them. While offline I figured I’d spread some rumors about her. When she returns I’ll promptly remove this entry. I don’t want her to know I was talking behind her back. I have to seem like an upright person ya know?
First off, after doing a little investigative work I found out that JAGA is at the top of the list for wanted burglars in the world? Yeah, she has a sorted past of taking candy from babies. Babies! She’s been all around the world snatching lollypops. France, England, Ethiopia, Switzerland and of all places the North Pole. Taking candy from hard working elf’s is wrong but who am I to judge I’m talking behind someone’s back. Anyhooo, on the Interpol website she’s known as the Lollypop Bandit. I was shocked!!!! But it gets worse. It appears that a toddler put up a struggle for his little green sucker and JAGA actually kicked the little girl’s puppy. The puppy is doing fine now but will suffer puppy PTSD for the rest of his little life.
Leave My Duck Alone
Dear Gracie,
You are in violation of your lease. All renters are strictly prohibited from sleeping with any little ducks. Please refer to page 52 of your rental agreement concerning the “No Ducks” policy. The “No Ducks” section is kitty-corner from the sections that discuss allowed frequency of hairballs, prohibition from sneezing on me and the section concerning not pawing at my eyeballs while I’m in REM cycle. If you scan down to paragraph 6 in the “No Ducks” section you’ll see clearly that you’ve violated your lease. This is your second violation concerning said duck. Page 85 of your rental agreement discusses the consequences of having two strikes against your lease. So that you can continue to rent from Austin Housing Inc please make sure 1) your rent is on time and in full and 2) that you keep your paws off all little ducks.
Sincerely,
Your landlord
Austin
