Archive for the 'Mental Health' Category

In the Hospital for SLE and Fibromyalgia

Published on February 10, 2012 in Art Therapy, Medical and PTSD. 0 Comments

On Friday I went to an art opening with a friend and it was fantastic. I didn’t want to go at all and started to cancel because my pain level was at a 9 and rising. Despite that I went and I’m happy I did. What happened later was that I ended up in the ER because the pain level hit a 10 and I simply could not take it. I said weeks ago that I’d considered going to the ER but didn’t, this time I did. When I got there they looked at my records and asked a few simple questions. They asked how I usually manged my pain. I answered honestly then told them that my usual method wasn’t managing this flare up. He asked when the last time it was I came in for a “cocktail” and I told him it had been awhile. According to my records it was 2 years ago.

No social workers showed up and no questions about my mental health were posed. They asked one major question: What can we do to help you? I asked for a one time cocktail that would relieve the pain enough that I could manage it again. With that I was given a shot of Morphine, Demerol an injection of Prednisone. They then had me swallow two pills for nausea and gave me two percocets. This cocktail could knock out a horse but I was wide awake the whole time.

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When Making Toast is a Chore

Published on February 4, 2012 in Depression and Mental Health. 1 Comment

I can tell I’m depressed when I start to over think things, especially eating. Sometimes making a sandwich seems like a friggin ordeal so I don’t make it. Two days might go by without having eaten anything. My head starts to hurt to the point that I can no longer ignore the fact that I must endure the making of a sandwich. It feels like a huge ordeal just to make a turkey sandwich. Don’t get me wrong, I’m hungry, I have an appetite. What I don’t have is the drive to go in and prepare anything.

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Inspired Love List

Published on February 2, 2012 in Emotions, For the Record, Letters Home, PTSD and Trust. 2 Comments Tags: , , .

I ran into a journal entry called Love List on the blog MotherLovely. For those of us with serious mother issues read the title again. It does NOT say motherly love, it says mother lovely. Anywhooo, the entry talks about looking around your house and noting things you love about your home. I like her idea for a number of reasons but for my purposes I’d like to change the angle a little bit and direct it to PTSD. She listed things in her home that she loves but I’d like to list things in my home that make me feel safe, secure, comforted and grounded.

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The Rules of War and Peace

Published on January 28, 2012 in Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, Emotions, Fear, Letters Home, Relationships and Secrets and Confessions. 3 Comments Tags: , .

The very first thing I do when there’s a new relationship is think to myself: how can I get out of this? Where is my exit?

I need to feel in control by serving. That sounds so strange but really, if I provide everything….food, comfort, clean clothing, a clean house, affection, etc, etc am I not in control? It’s also a set up because when things go south trust me, you’ll hear about how I did everything and got treated like shit. I cooked, cleaned, kept that house running and still got treated like shit. It’s a set up. I’m telling you, I’m not the person to go out with. I go in looking for a way out and I go in setting you up to fail!

At this time I’m not capable of truly loving you but I am capable of being co-dependent.

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Smoke and Mirrors

Published on January 27, 2012 in Anger, Anxiety, Art Therapy, Dehumanize, Emotions, Fear, Female Sadist and PTSD. 0 Comments

After writing my last entry and quoting my mother as saying, “Would Mommy approve?” I got a bit irritated (?) so I ended up working off that emotion by writing.

My mother refused to allow us to call her anything but mommy or by her nickname given to her by my father. As an older teen I hated calling her mommy. As I type the word my nose is turned up like it’s the most disgusting word in the world. It feels as if she kept me “little” by using that word. Oh man I can’t explain how disgusted I am by that word. It’s just that she forced it. We had to call her that and she would tell people we called her that. My girls are such and such of age and still call me mommy. Of course we did, it was a requirement. It was a requirement the same as saying Yes Ma’am and No Ma’am. I have no objection to using those terms of respect. As a matter of fact I still say them, it’s just that hearing myself say it to her makes me sick.

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J is For Joan

Published on January 26, 2012 in Art, Art Therapy, Emotional abuse, Female Sadist and PTSD. 1 Comment

Dr. D: When you get into situations like that ask yourself, “What would Joan do?”
Me: Maybe I should get a WWJD bracelet.

When he suggested I ask what Joan would do he couldn’t see the …contempt …the utter disgust on my face at the thought of it. OF COURSE a mother issue is involved because the woman actually said to me, “See me in your head and ask yourself, “Would mommy approve?” I will no longer gauge my behavior based on some human figure lurking behind me, over me, scrutinizing my every move.

When I was a child and even now I can picture my mother’s face right over my shoulder. She’s deadpan, as usual so I can’t tell if she approves or disapproves. It was a guessing game to figure out what was acceptable to her.

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Talking to People

Published on January 25, 2012 in Anxiety, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Emotions and Morton's Pride. 0 Comments

Lets say a race car is built, the number 24 is painted on the side. There will be lettering that says DuPont and Hendricks Motorsports.  Instead of Jeff Gordon climbing behind the wheel, the crew chief turns and hands the keys to me. That’s what it feels like just happened. I feel like I’ve been put in the drivers seat with no clue how to drive safely at this pace.

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