Archive for the 'Borderline Personality Disorder' Category

The Rules of War and Peace

Published on January 28, 2012 in Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, Emotions, Fear, Letters Home, Relationships and Secrets and Confessions. 3 Comments Tags: , .

The very first thing I do when there’s a new relationship is think to myself: how can I get out of this? Where is my exit?

I need to feel in control by serving. That sounds so strange but really, if I provide everything….food, comfort, clean clothing, a clean house, affection, etc, etc am I not in control? It’s also a set up because when things go south trust me, you’ll hear about how I did everything and got treated like shit. I cooked, cleaned, kept that house running and still got treated like shit. It’s a set up. I’m telling you, I’m not the person to go out with. I go in looking for a way out and I go in setting you up to fail!

At this time I’m not capable of truly loving you but I am capable of being co-dependent.

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Hearts in the Bath Tub

Published on July 20, 2011 in Abuse, Borderline Personality Disorder, Fear, Grief Sadness Loss, Love and Relationships. 0 Comments Tags: .

The waiting, the eventuality of it must be ……………. I don’t know what words to put there. The personal responsibility for saving the suicidal person has to be heavy.

 I felt personally responsible for keeping my mother alive. She talked a lot about killing herself, especially when I was younger. As I got older it was much less about killing herself and more about abandoning us kids. She said she was tired of me and my sister fighting, tired of everything. She said one day she was going to go in the restroom and kill herself. I used to cut out little hearts from construction paper and tape them to the walls in her shower. I hoped she’s see them and know I loved her and it would change her mind, give her a reason to live. It went like that again and again. Threats of suicide, paper hearts, handmade cards, a life saved, a child robbed.  

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Excessive Apologies and Art Therapy

Published on July 18, 2011 in Abuse, Anxiety, Art Therapy, Borderline Personality Disorder, Emotions, Fear, PTSD and Relationships. 2 Comments

I stopped apologizing to the family that helped me move. I wanted to apologize for existing, apologize for the amount of dust in the house, apologize for everything. I apologized twice, I think, then told them there would be no more. It’s uncomfortable for others when I over apologize but man I wanted to say it every 5 min just so they knew I realized what I burden I was being. I didn’t because it wasn’t necessary. That family, my friends, were there not out of obligation but because they wanted to be. That feels good ya know? They didn’t have to, they wanted to help.

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The Great Pretender

Published on May 12, 2011 in Abuse, Borderline Personality Disorder, Fear, Female Sadist, PTSD and Therapy. 0 Comments Tags: , .

I’m ridiculously sad but I’m not sure why. My mood is kind of pissy. I don’t want to talk to anyone over the phone or either of my roommates. I’ve avoided both of them like the plague. It feels as if I’m fighting to keep from slipping into a fit of rage. I feel as if I’m seconds from snapping at people.

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Better In Time

Published on February 3, 2011 in Art Therapy, Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Relationships, Therapy and Trust. 3 Comments

Okay so I did my tearful thing then got myself together. I called a couple of friends to complain then I got dressed and went to Steak and Shake with a friend. It’s my belief that she wanted to see this horrific hairstyle that’s caused such upset in the home but she swears she wanted to get away for a bit. I’ll accept her answer. :-)

Here’s the thing, once Junior decided that I’m disgusting to him it hurt to the core. I nearly took my braids down just so he would not ignore me or look through me. I felt as if I needed to tell him this style is just for a little bit until I get dreadlocks. I wanted to apologize for making him uncomfortable. Continue reading ‘Better In Time’

Not Today

Published on February 2, 2011 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression and Soapbox. 1 Comment

I’m not supposed to be sad today. It’s Independence Day. Today is my day, I’m not supposed to feel this way today.

Why does it matter so much to me that people actually acknowledge my existence? Why does it matter so much to me that Junior thinks I look like a boy? Why does he think it’s okay to dismiss me and not even look at me because he thinks I look like ‘butch’. Why is it okay to dismiss someone when they don’t look the way you want them to? ITS MY HAIR, why do I need someone elses approval?

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I am not a toy

Published on January 7, 2011 in Abuse, Borderline Personality Disorder, Emotional abuse, Grief Sadness Loss, PTSD and Therapy. 4 Comments

There’s an old journal entry discussing how my sister used to have me pretend to be a doll but I can’t for the life of me find it. I just spent an hour trying to find it. I refuse to look anymore. Why did I try so hard to find that entry? I worried what I’m about to say will be seen as a lie if it’s not verified in some way. Goodness, I worry so much about being seen as an attention seeking little liar. For this reason my head swoons sometimes before and during journal entries like the one I’m about to write. So I can write this thing sometime today I’ll just say this, a doll I had looked exactly like the inner child doll I purchased a few days ago. I wasn’t allowed to play with her back then for several reasons, one of which is that she too was made in Germany in the 1930′s. She was an antique. She sat on the dresser, period.

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