I called and explained from beginning to end that the psych nurse can not return to my home. I talked to the doctor’s office about the conversation about “Why do people think I’m gay.” I explained her two marital situations and the deep, deep issues involved in those that I should never have known about. I talked about how I explained to the psych nurse that she goes after men that are not emotionally available to her. Yeah, I had that conversation with my psych nurse.
Other information included in the conversation with my doctor’s office: The psych nurse showed me a present made by her client’s father. It’s a necklace with a single pink cubic zirconia-like stone. The matching ring was made by the thirteen year old son, her client. She then said to me, you want to see a photo? I thought she meant of the frogs in their new tanks so I was all over it. She pulled out a photo of the young boy and his family. She then named off everyone in the photo.
Continue reading ‘The Psych Nurse Has Been Fired’
In today’s therapy session we talked about the drama that goes on around this apartment complex. Dr. D asked if I like some of it. I said yes because its a distraction and sometimes a welcome one. Sometimes my brain tortures the hell out of me making almost any distraction welcome.
We talked about how I use art and the fish as a healthy distraction but that I also get involved in situations I know will result in drama. He asked what happened to all my sane friends. I asked him to be a little more specific. Can you recall a name of one of my sane friends? I can’t. Continue reading ‘Therapy Notes: Distractions and Mental Torture’
We talked about how some people say the most outrageous things to me and cross boundaries with me that most wouldn’t cross. We talked about what it is I could be doing that would cause me to be an “asshole” magnet. I figured there has to be something I’m doing or some vibe I’m letting off that attracts idiots. It can’t be a coincidence that many people are inappropriate with me. Some of the things we discussed was how I talk to just about anyone who talks to me and I do so as if we’ve known one another for 50 years. Since I talk to people with ease it may feel to some that they can go further than just casual conversation. There’s a whole lot more to that than I’ve noted.
Continue reading ‘Therapy Notes: Talking’
Sometimes it hits me to rip the fuck out of my arms. I get this strong impulse to shred them.
I get a strong impulse to bang my head against the wall, to open up my stomach and release what ever is in there that’s torturing me. It’s release I want, not pain. Release.
My friend and I did our walk again today which was helpful for anxiety as well as general exercise. There was a small barbeque today where someone brought up the girl who killed herself. It is still raw around here over that. I don’t think people should be hush hush about it but for many of us who knew here the mere mention of her name is painful.
I wish I could run. Where? I may not be running physically but emotionally I’m running.
My head isn’t right. I can’t wait to see my therapist.
I feel so desperate.
I need to be hugged. I need to be held.
I have abandonment issues right now.
Continue reading ‘A string of thoughts’
The very first thing I do when there’s a new relationship is think to myself: how can I get out of this? Where is my exit?
I need to feel in control by serving. That sounds so strange but really, if I provide everything….food, comfort, clean clothing, a clean house, affection, etc, etc am I not in control? It’s also a set up because when things go south trust me, you’ll hear about how I did everything and got treated like shit. I cooked, cleaned, kept that house running and still got treated like shit. It’s a set up. I’m telling you, I’m not the person to go out with. I go in looking for a way out and I go in setting you up to fail!
At this time I’m not capable of truly loving you but I am capable of being co-dependent.
Continue reading ‘The Rules of War and Peace’
The waiting, the eventuality of it must be ……………. I don’t know what words to put there. The personal responsibility for saving the suicidal person has to be heavy.
I felt personally responsible for keeping my mother alive. She talked a lot about killing herself, especially when I was younger. As I got older it was much less about killing herself and more about abandoning us kids. She said she was tired of me and my sister fighting, tired of everything. She said one day she was going to go in the restroom and kill herself. I used to cut out little hearts from construction paper and tape them to the walls in her shower. I hoped she’s see them and know I loved her and it would change her mind, give her a reason to live. It went like that again and again. Threats of suicide, paper hearts, handmade cards, a life saved, a child robbed.
Continue reading ‘Hearts in the Bath Tub’
I stopped apologizing to the family that helped me move. I wanted to apologize for existing, apologize for the amount of dust in the house, apologize for everything. I apologized twice, I think, then told them there would be no more. It’s uncomfortable for others when I over apologize but man I wanted to say it every 5 min just so they knew I realized what I burden I was being. I didn’t because it wasn’t necessary. That family, my friends, were there not out of obligation but because they wanted to be. That feels good ya know? They didn’t have to, they wanted to help.
Continue reading ‘Excessive Apologies and Art Therapy’