Grace: You did what?! What were you thinking?!
Me: I don’t know.
Grace: But why? Why!
Me: I don’t know.
Grace: Why?!
Me: Sabotage and self destruction.
Grace: Ah, there it is, there it is right there. I thought so.
Archive for the 'Borderline Personality Disorder' Category
I got a phone call from someone I hadn’t talked to in ten very long years. For a short time we shared a one bedroom apartment with my dog Captain Crunch in a building not too tolerant of people like myself. The relationship was short but I’ve seen this young woman on and off from time to time. I remember her as the only woman on the planet I could lay beside and feel safe. We may not have lasted long but the impression she made has remained in my memory as strong as the day she made it.
I know this amount of confusion. I’ve felt this type of mistrust before both of myself and the other person. I know this feeling very well.
When I begin to second guess myself, when my mind goes blank, when I feel as if I have no voice, when I begin to take any kind of treatment I’m reminded of one major relationship in my life. It’s one of those relationships some might feel I’m better off forgetting but in my opinion its a reminder of what to avoid. Since the memory of it has to be here I might as well use it as a signal, a warning sign.
You know you’re irritated with the world when you’re in the middle of cleaning the aquarium and find yourself upset because the fish keep swimming up to you.
My Lord! Would you leave me alone, I thought. I’m not here to socialize. I just want to clean the tank. That’s when I burst out laughing because I was pissed that the fish had the nerve to swim up to me. Yeah, it’s possible I have some issues right now.
This is a great example of seeing the entire world in one single light. I didn’t even want the fish to touch me or want anything from me. Dammit I can’t do everything or be all things to all people… or fish. I’m only one person (technically). Why does everyone want something?
Really, when you’re taxed and feel stretched too thin it only takes one tiny thing to tip you right over into crazy unreasonable. I tipped last night when I lashed out at the fish. I laughed at myself then decided to relax a bit.
Austin
I heard so many one line commands about who I shouldn’t trust but you never told me when its okay to trust.
Never trust a man when he tells you he loves you. He just wants to sleep with you.
Never trust anyone who says “trust me.”
When is it okay to believe a man who says “I love you?” Exactly when is it okay to trust at all? Please tell me, how did you summate the trustworthiness of a complete gender into one single sentence?
My therapist and I discussed the theory of Basic Trust as explained by Erik Erikson. Erikson says that a child learns trust from his caregivers. He trusts that when he’s held he won’t be dropped. He trusts when he’s hungry he’ll be fed, comforted when he’s ill and have his needs cared for. This foundation of trust if healthy can lead to a healthy trust and outlook of the world. We take trust lessons from very early on and apply what we’ve learned to the world around us. Dr. D remarked that when my mother violated me she also damaged my Basic Trust which I then took into the world and based everything on these early lessons.
What I took from our conversation was that the earlier we treat our children with care and concern the better. From infancy we start to learn and we take those lessons with us out into the world. I can say with certainty, everything I know about mistrust I learned from my mother.
***comments are off***
I was on my way home from therapy and in decent shape. I wasn’t overly dissociative nor was I overly stressed so I figured I’d stop off at DAV because after all it was dollar Monday. I wondered what sort of treasures I might find. Since I forgot my wallet at home I abandoned my treasure hunt and headed straight home. Before I could get home I’d have to cross the railroad tracks. I could see up ahead the red lights flashing warning of a coming train so I slowed my speed appropriately. I was breathing slowly, almost in a content sort of way. Normally one would desire that but in no way were my thoughts peaceful or joyful. I pulled off to the side in the parking lot of a paint supply store and got out of the car. I lit a cigarette and let the train pass by. After it was no where in sight I got back in my car and went home, alive.
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