Archive for the 'Borderline Personality Disorder' Category

Page 3 of 66

No Middle Ground

Published on September 19, 2010 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Pets and Relationships. 7 Comments

I have very black and white thinking when it comes to most things including my cat. I either like her or I don’t. I think she’s the sweetest thing on earth or I wish I’d never brought her here. She’s called the perfect cat or the worst cat I’ve ever had followed by a vow to never get another cat again. It occurred to me the other day that I have no middle ground with her. She’s good or she’s bad.

I look at Gus and think he’s a good dog with issues. I look at him and think he’s a sweet gentle monster with a huge head and clumsy feet. I have middle ground with him. I know what his issues are and most of the time I can see past them for all his good.

Continue reading ‘No Middle Ground’

Suicide. Therapy. Questions.

Published on September 15, 2010 in Anger, Art Therapy, Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD and Therapy. 0 Comments Tags: .

We talked in therapy today about a suicide attempt I made August 7th and how I felt I really should have gone in way before it ever got that bad. I was disappointed in myself that I didn’t act. I was also disappointed and maybe a little angry that Dr. D didn’t quite hear me when I told him that I was in trouble. Several times I told him I was in trouble and on the edge but what we focused on was how difficult it was for me to leave the house. What exactly could he have said to let me know he heard me? I think he should have suggested that I go in.

I am well aware that I am ultimately responsible for myself so I don’t want to make it sound as if my attempt could have been stopped by Dr. D. I know for myself I should have acted. I should have gone in but I didn’t. Not feeling heard is a different issue than my inaction.

Continue reading ‘Suicide. Therapy. Questions.’

That Game We Used to Play

Published on September 5, 2010 in Abuse, Borderline Personality Disorder and Emotional abuse. 0 Comments

I wrote an entry yesterday about how I was told that my then neighbor/roommate died. That entry reminded me of a game my mother use to play called, “Guess Whose Dead?” Out of the blue the mother would come up to my sister and myself and say, “Guess Whose Dead?” “Who?” we’d ask. She’d say someone’s name then wait for us to gasp and ask if it was real. She’d tell us, no, so-in-so is still alive. We’d playfully groan and she’d go on until the next time, when we’d do it all over again. It was a pointless game of announcing the death of a loved one who didn’t really die.

Continue reading ‘That Game We Used to Play’

Giddy-up!

Published on September 3, 2010 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Emotions, Fear, Letters Home and Secrets and Confessions. 2 Comments

Sometimes one thing that goes wrong seems to prove to me that I’m a worthless little something-something that should never try to be anything to anyone because I’ll just fail. It may seem crazy to some to feel so down about the fish dying but for me it feels/felt deeper than that. I FAILED at something I loved and took pride in. Hell, I bragged on here all the time about my beautiful fish and the crystal clear water they swam in.  I even had the nerve to give stats on equipment and the super low price I paid for said equipment. I was really gloating at times because I was so damn proud of them. Now look at me… argh! You get me talking about the fish and I start to glow…but then they died and that said to me that I shouldn’t allow myself to feel pride for an accomplishment.

Continue reading ‘Giddy-up!’

Two Responses, One Goal

Published on July 7, 2010 in Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Emotions, Fear, PTSD, Relationships and Trust. 0 Comments

Grace: You did what?! What were you thinking?!
Me: I don’t know.
Grace: But why? Why!
Me: I don’t know.
Grace: Why?!
Me: Sabotage and self destruction.
Grace: Ah, there it is, there it is right there. I thought so.

Continue reading ‘Two Responses, One Goal’

She Lies To Protect Herself

Published on June 14, 2010 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Mental Health, Relationships and Secrets and Confessions. 6 Comments Tags: , .

I got a phone call from someone I hadn’t talked to in ten very long years. For a short time we shared a one bedroom apartment with my dog Captain Crunch in a building not too tolerant of people like myself. The relationship was short but I’ve seen this young woman on and off from time to time. I remember her as the only woman on the planet I could lay beside and feel safe. We may not have lasted long but the impression she made has remained in my memory as strong as the day she made it.

Continue reading ‘She Lies To Protect Herself’

Confusion and Past Mistakes

Published on May 21, 2010 in Anger, Art Therapy, Borderline Personality Disorder, Emotions, Relationships and Trust. 0 Comments

I know this amount of confusion. I’ve felt this type of mistrust before both of myself and the other person. I know this feeling very well.

When I begin to second guess myself, when my mind goes blank, when I feel as if I have no voice, when I begin to take any kind of treatment I’m reminded of one major relationship in my life. It’s one of those relationships some might feel I’m better off forgetting but in my opinion its a reminder of what to avoid. Since the memory of it has to be here I might as well use it as a signal, a warning sign.

Continue reading ‘Confusion and Past Mistakes’