I can tell I’m depressed when I start to over think things, especially eating. Sometimes making a sandwich seems like a friggin ordeal so I don’t make it. Two days might go by without having eaten anything. My head starts to hurt to the point that I can no longer ignore the fact that I must endure the making of a sandwich. It feels like a huge ordeal just to make a turkey sandwich. Don’t get me wrong, I’m hungry, I have an appetite. What I don’t have is the drive to go in and prepare anything.
Archive for the 'Depression' Category
I wasn’t feeling all that calm or collected at the time of these particular drawings which were done with an ink pen or black gel pen.
When I first moved here I thought to myself, my goodness, I’ve gone from the pan into the fire. For a minute that might have been true but its far from true now. For just a moment it was rough.
At first I decided not to do any more end of life foster care for animals or feed newborns. I figured it might be okay to babysit from time to time but I’ll limit that as well. I briefly did foster care for a 15 year old male tabby. His photo is among the sketches. Seeing that boy roll around in catnip was priceless!!! Ever seen an old cat drop about 14.5 years in a few minutes? Yeah, that was pretty awesome.
Some of my issues are the same, which I expected. I expected anxiety and stuff like that but I never expected to end up at my going to my mother’s house. That blew me away.
I’m not sure why but for the last week or so I’ve gone to bed with the desire to curl up and weep. I don’t really know why I feel so grieved.
I swore I was going to eat something today and I did. I had a large salad but I didn’t eat the pork chop. I just didn’t want it.
I read 39 chapters of 41 in a book I discovered just today. I stopped reading when there was a knock at the door. Why would someone knock on the door at 10pm? He knocked several times until finally I went over to the door and said, “Sir, please leave.” He said, “What?” I repeated it to which he said, “Okay.” He then turned around and left. He got into his truck which he left running and with the lights on. Strange. One part of me says he might have the wrong apartment but that didn’t make me feel safe enough to say anything other than, “Please leave.” I had my phone in my hand just in case there was a repeat of the guy who did something similar years ago who refused to leave and forced me to kick his ass when he kicked my door in. I’ll finish the book tomorrow as I’m a little too unnerved tonight.
I told someone just the other day not to be too hard on herself when she falls down due to complications with Fibromyalgia, yet here I am pissed big time! I think the anger has to do with knowing what’s ahead after the fall rather than being angry about the fall itself. I know the next few days, if not longer, are going to be filled with extra pain. On top of already too high of a pain level I get to deal with the pain of strained muscles and bruised arms and legs. I get to deal with headaches…and a culture clash.
I know I’m kind of quiet but here’s a few things I’ve been thinking about.
First and foremost I hope my good friend Kathryn doesn’t end up in the hospital. She’s been on my mind a lot. I know how difficult chronic pain is. Heck, it can drain you emotionally and physically then make you want to die just so it’ll all stop. My hope is that something will give for her so she can have a break. Too much, it’s just too much. I feel for her.
I didn’t realize I’d been here a month and a half. I thought I’d only been here about two weeks. Where has the time gone? What did I do or in some cases who did I do? In the time missed I failed to pay my light bill. I have to do that today.
I don’t feel right. Dr. D and I talked about not recognizing my surroundings. I did that atFife’s house too. I sorta recognized my things but it just didn’t click. I still felt like I didn’t know the place or that I didn’t know where I was. I hate that.
This is why people take drugs and drink isn’t it, to forget?
I understand the need for escape. I want to run, God I just want to run away.
I wonder how much more gray hair I’ll have by the years end?
Sw was here for a little bit today. We had a good time laughing about nothing at all.
With no TV or radio I’m going to lose my mind.
I’ve lost a heck of a lot of time and my level of confusion is high. I hate it when I can’t think. I can’t think.
I want to sit in the back of the closet, close my eyes and cease to exist.
I saw a guy with my shirt on today, the one that says ‘I have multiple personalities and none of them like you’. I didn’t think it was funny, not today anyway. Maybe it’s only funny when I wear it here at home. I never wear it in public.
Continue reading ‘Wednesday’
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