A bit ago I said I’d know I feel at home when I am listening to music and dance with my tea cup in my hand. That happened on Friday evening I was listening to the song Depth over Distance while drinking tea. I finally got the Kenyan tea I wanted. Oh so worth the wait. It’s wonderful. At first I didn’t taste a difference from your regular old Lipton, but then wham! Flavors. It was earthy, tangy with a fruity after taste. That’s the best way I can describe the tea. It’s awesome, awesome! I also purchased Gunpowder Tea and Alwazah Tea.
Archive for the 'Depression' Category
Dr.D and I went over the three dreams today in therapy. He asked what I thought they meant and I told him that I feel lost. I feel lost in my mind and in my heart. I feel lost. I think that’s part of the reason I kept getting lost in the dreams. Each time I went into the wrong apartment or house with devastating results. I was in constant danger of prolonged pain or severe emotional trauma if I lived. I mentioned that in the dreams someone else was driving the cars when they crashed. They had no control. I had no control. I feel like I have little control over things right now.
I am in the dumps. I’m depressed and angry, exhausted physically and frustrated with everyone on the face of the earth. I’m broke as all get out and worried. But that’s not something I can fix today. I can’t fix a lot today but what I can do is take advantage of some of the things around me.
First and foremost is personal hygiene. I need to take care of that. Today its 55 degrees outside. I’m going to take a walk but before I go I’m going to put a tiny roast in the slow cooker with some carrots, taters and real green beans. I’m going to have corn bread muffins in the little silicone muffin cups Betty got me. I’ll eat, I’ll read, later I’ll catch the episode of Survivor that I missed and then I’ll end the night by tossing paint around. The cups she purchased are white which is fine by me. Had they been pink I would have screamed. I literally would have screamed!
In last night’s dream I was at my uncle’s apartment. While there they wanted to see if I would adopted one of the two cats they found wondering in the building. I said no. One was a kitten, the other a full grown cat, both solid black.
My uncle’s apartment was huge, huge. I visited each room which seemed prettier than the last. There were succulent plants in one room that were stunning. Another room had these beautiful blooming cotton flowers along side fresh growing chives and chamomile flowers. There were plants everywhere but not so many that it overwhelmed the place. My aunt was careful to arrange them in a way that was magazine perfect. I was quite pleased and relaxed around the flower displays.
This is the third time Dr. D has suggested that I go inpatient. I just don’t want to. I simply don’t want to. I’m not suicidal. The difficulty is that I allowed some destructive things to be done to me. It’s hard to say really. But he thought it was serious enough to suggest that I’m not thinking right. I know it. I’m sorry. I feel so out of it………just so lost. I have moments of clarity but I stay lost for a long time it seems.
I left for my therapy session at 1:30pm and got home at 4:30pm. I went straight to bed then woke at 9:30pm. I had a call from the physical therapist who will come after the doctor comes tomorrow. I’m worried about telling her what I did. Worried about infection, worried they’ll want a 72 hour hold, worried. Worried and tired…….and lost.
I’ve now got 14 days before I move into my new place. One of the good things about this move is that I’m not taking my furniture. Here’s why….
I’m taking over a lease from a man that I know. I know him and his family. The man, for personal reasons, is moving out of state. Instead of taking his things with him he is leaving most of everything in his apartment including his sofa, chairs, tables, entertainment center, dishes and new king size bed. Why would someone take time to purchase good items then just abandon them to me? It’s complex yet simple, the young man is running.
This conversation took place around 7:00pm tonight. I laughed so hard at a friend’s response but she got me thinking, which has lead to this journal entry.
Me: I just feel like the house is getting out of control. It feels so gross. Doesn’t it feel gross to you?
Friend: Fuck you, it’s all in your head.
Me: What? You think it’s all in my head. It doesn’t feel dirty to you?
Friend: No, it’s clean, very clean, its all in your head, fuck you… and ‘Danny’ too!