I look at my eyes and think, my goodness Faith, you’ve gotta do something to bring the light back. It’s been too long that your eyes have been heavy and dark. You’ve got to do something to bring the light back.
Update:
Archive for the 'Depression' Category
I’m not sure why it makes me sad but it does. I’ve seen her several times and had lunch with her a few times at the University. I guess to get a letter from her via email today was more moving than I expected it to be. I literally brought me to tears.
Today I slept through therapy. I went to bed earlier than usual but wasn’t able to sleep due to extreme pain. I finally fell asleep around 9am and slept until 4:45PM. I woke when the phone rang. It was a friend calling to tell me she missed me a lot and that she loves me. She said she’d been thinking about me. It was hard to hear anyone’s voice at all because I just woke from a bad dream. I called my therapist to tell him I was sorry I missed my appointment. He wasn’t available. I’ll see him on Monday.
I’ve mentioned that I’m in a creative rut right now and that my artistic well is pretty much dried up. I also said that my self esteem is a huge block for me right now. I decided to write a few thoughts about painting, sewing and other forms of creativity.
When I paint or draw I am at my freest. I have few inhibitions and will take color and composition risks. I take risks in art but avoid them in real life. Man I’m not a risk taker, sheshh but in art work I’ll cross lines I was taught to observe and do it with no real concern as to if it turns out good or not. I mostly enjoy the journey but in real life I avoid risks like the plague.
Right now I feel bound and blinded by self doubt. I’ve painted for too long to say “I can’t.” Self criticism prevents me from seeing that I can. When my sight is limited progress suffers. Nothing gets out or in, including creativity.
- I hope to one day accept success the way I do failure.
- I hope one day I’ll be able to take a few risks and not plan my every step.
- I hope I won’t feel physical pain to this degree for the rest of my life.
- I hope to feel clean when I step out of the shower.
- I hope for a shower where no tears are shed.
- I hope to walk with my head up because I mean it not because that’s what I was trained to do.
- I hope to one day wake up happy with someone I’ve slept beside for years and years.
- I hope to feel comfortable in my own skin
- To feel safe with being loved
- and to love myself the way I love my neighbors.
I hope, because lack of hope is terminal.
Continue reading ‘The Hope Agenda’
I told my mother I didn’t want to be a poet because the life of a poet always ends in tragedy.
I didn’t make a weighted blanket because I didn’t want another project. I just went ahead and weighted a large teddy bear I have. I opened the stitches on the side, removed the stuffing from the belly then added the appropriate amount of weight. I also removed some of the stuffing from the limbs. This particular bear has a small pocket where a little music box use to be. In place of the music box I put in a lavender pouch which can be removed to heat. The weighted bear with aromatherapy pouch works wonderfully.
Here it is, the little spot in my house that holds the vast majority of my art supplies. I tend to arrange and focus on my supplies when I’m in a creative slump like now. Argh! It’s killing me!!! This happens from time to time. I can’t seem to draw or paint anything of substance. I can’t see the lines, the shades, light, nothing, nada, zip. It bugs the heck out of me but stressing over the dry spell has always proven a waste of energy. I just have to wait it out. While I wait I”ll arrange and rearrange my supplies. NEVER when I’m in a creative free for all will you see my supplies this organized. So here they are, photos of my little area where art happens.
Most of these are based on anger and feeling overwhelmed and taxed. One in particular has to do with Bella being sick yet again. There’s one I like to call basic or primitive which is the box with the three colors around it. It shows how shut down I was feeling after a nightmare written about in my sketchbook. One drawing shows a woman hanging from a tree. There’s a house in another tree and they’re surrounded by bright colors as her body is picked over by vultures. I have no idea where that came from but I do know I purposely made it all bright and sunny with a very dark theme.
Some of my anger issues have to do with the loss of a friendship which I cherished. I’m quite angry over that and wish it hadn’t come to such a senseless end as it did. There’s confusion and concern for why I can’t seem to keep my head on straight at home right now. Also in the drawings are a few dream themes of things morphing from one thing to another. I think the one that stands out for me most is the one that’s all bright and cheerfully painted but has a dark theme. It’s presented as almost a childlike drawing, presented as innocent and maybe even fun, that’s what the colors say anyway. It’s hard to know what to feel when I look at it. It’s a true representation of my inner conflict, of the face I show outside, the craziness in my head, where I want to go, where I’ve been and the loss of energy trying to make sense of it all. There are so many contradictions and …..yeah, nothing is what it seems to be. Never trust the colors……
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