I have really good days here but some are filled with what I’d call insanity and an unquiet mind. Sometimes I feel grounded, resolved to move forward, even lucky, but other times I feel disturbed. This move happened so fast and under such strain that I’ve yet to catch my breath.
Archive for the 'Depression' Category
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Disclaimer: My comments here are about the movie and my experiences. In this entry I don’t provide information on what a suicidal person should do or what friends should do for a person who is suicidal. All I discuss is the movie and how it relates to particular experiences I had. I can’t possibly cover all my bases on the subject of suicide so I’m sticking to a very narrow discussion.
There’s a sense of community here that speaks to the part of me that longs to belong to something or someone. Today a neighbor started an impromptu barbeque. Once the smoke traveled others joined in. No invitations went out, it was a given, all are invited.
Someone brought baked beans; I brought a sheet cake, plates and plastic forks. Someone else brought pork chops and another brought hamburgers, another buns. There was beer and Kool-aide. Despite the fact that there was plenty of Budweiser no one was out of control, loud or obnoxious.
Dr. D told me the longer I wait to have sex the more difficulties I’ll have dealing with sexual urges. I know I’m sorta “in heat” but there’s an even greater need that trumps those urges. I need to stay safe in my body and in my head. Having, claiming and owning my sexual urges isn’t the problem, self harm and self destruction is.
In the hospital there was a real art therapist who talked to us about establishing our own world. I kind of had a hard time hearing her because as she spoke I sat at her table filled with markers, paints, crayons, clay and paper. I nearly drooled.
Above my over joyed heartbeat I heard her explain that in our new world we’d decide who can and can’t come to our world. We’d decide if people worked, how they lived, how they got their food and so on. Everything was up to us. When I heard that part assignment I declined to participate. I just messed with clay while others drew a world they felt they could be happy in. Not surprisingly many removed the so-called good idea of capitalism. I found that interesting.
The few YouTube videos I’ve seen tell me I’d cry like a baby if I watched One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. I’ve never seen it and since it was mentioned during my visit I figured I’d look it up. There was one video called At Least I Tried where about 3.5 min in a Native American guy drew me to tears.
The first part of the scene Jack Nicholson tries to lift a marble water fountain with no success. When he turned to leave the area he told the other clients, “At least I tried.” The next part of the video shows a Naive man doing what was considered impossible. He lifted a marble drinking fountain off its foundation, walked through the hospital, put it threw a window and took his freedom. As I said, I’ve not seen the entire movie so I have no clue what happened to him after he left, don’t want to either.
At the psych ward, where Jack Nicholson was noticeably absent, a group of patients sat wrapped tightly in white blankets. At first glance you might have though it was a scene from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest but a few days in I figured it out. It was cold in there! They were just trying to keep up their body heat. We laughed about the blankets and the cold ’cause it could easily have been taken wrong. I could just see a bunch of us with increased meds cause they thought we were anxious or psychotic. Save the meds, turn off the air.
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