Sundrip Journals
I know I’m kind of quiet but here’s a few things I’ve been thinking about.
First and foremost I hope my good friend Kathryn doesn’t end up in the hospital. She’s been on my mind a lot. I know how difficult chronic pain is. Heck, it can drain you emotionally and physically then make you want to die just so it’ll all stop. My hope is that something will give for her so she can have a break. Too much, it’s just too much. I feel for her.
I didn’t realize I’d been here a month and a half. I thought I’d only been here about two weeks. Where has the time gone? What did I do or in some cases who did I do? In the time missed I failed to pay my light bill. I have to do that today.
I don’t feel right. Dr. D and I talked about not recognizing my surroundings. I did that atFife’s house too. I sorta recognized my things but it just didn’t click. I still felt like I didn’t know the place or that I didn’t know where I was. I hate that.
This is why people take drugs and drink isn’t it, to forget?
I understand the need for escape. I want to run, God I just want to run away.
I wonder how much more gray hair I’ll have by the years end?
Sw was here for a little bit today. We had a good time laughing about nothing at all.
With no TV or radio I’m going to lose my mind.
I’ve lost a heck of a lot of time and my level of confusion is high. I hate it when I can’t think. I can’t think.
I want to sit in the back of the closet, close my eyes and cease to exist.
I saw a guy with my shirt on today, the one that says ‘I have multiple personalities and none of them like you’. I didn’t think it was funny, not today anyway. Maybe it’s only funny when I wear it here at home. I never wear it in public.
Continue reading ‘Wednesday’
I have really good days here but some are filled with what I’d call insanity and an unquiet mind. Sometimes I feel grounded, resolved to move forward, even lucky, but other times I feel disturbed. This move happened so fast and under such strain that I’ve yet to catch my breath.
Disclaimer: My comments here are about the movie and my experiences. In this entry I don’t provide information on what a suicidal person should do or what friends should do for a person who is suicidal. All I discuss is the movie and how it relates to particular experiences I had. I can’t possibly cover all my bases on the subject of suicide so I’m sticking to a very narrow discussion.
There’s a sense of community here that speaks to the part of me that longs to belong to something or someone. Today a neighbor started an impromptu barbeque. Once the smoke traveled others joined in. No invitations went out, it was a given, all are invited.
Someone brought baked beans; I brought a sheet cake, plates and plastic forks. Someone else brought pork chops and another brought hamburgers, another buns. There was beer and Kool-aide. Despite the fact that there was plenty of Budweiser no one was out of control, loud or obnoxious.
Dr. D told me the longer I wait to have sex the more difficulties I’ll have dealing with sexual urges. I know I’m sorta “in heat” but there’s an even greater need that trumps those urges. I need to stay safe in my body and in my head. Having, claiming and owning my sexual urges isn’t the problem, self harm and self destruction is.
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