Lets say a race car is built, the number 24 is painted on the side. There will be lettering that says DuPont and Hendricks Motorsports. Instead of Jeff Gordon climbing behind the wheel, the crew chief turns and hands the keys to me. That’s what it feels like just happened. I feel like I’ve been put in the drivers seat with no clue how to drive safely at this pace.
Archive for the 'Dissociative Identity Disorder' Category
I wasn’t feeling all that calm or collected at the time of these particular drawings which were done with an ink pen or black gel pen.
When I first moved here I thought to myself, my goodness, I’ve gone from the pan into the fire. For a minute that might have been true but its far from true now. For just a moment it was rough.
At first I decided not to do any more end of life foster care for animals or feed newborns. I figured it might be okay to babysit from time to time but I’ll limit that as well. I briefly did foster care for a 15 year old male tabby. His photo is among the sketches. Seeing that boy roll around in catnip was priceless!!! Ever seen an old cat drop about 14.5 years in a few minutes? Yeah, that was pretty awesome.
Some of my issues are the same, which I expected. I expected anxiety and stuff like that but I never expected to end up at my going to my mother’s house. That blew me away.
The entire conversation she thought I was Joan.
Me: “I’ll show you the brackish water tank when I you see you next time.”
Missy: “I saw it the last time I was there.”
Me: “The brackish tank, with the Molly fish in it?”
Missy: “Yeah, you showed it to me.”
Me: “Oh”
Missy: “You need to write down when you’ve been out because someone was upset and said you hadn’t been here since November.”
Silence was followed by, “This isn’t Joan, its Destiny.”
Missy: “Oh. Sometimes I can tell you apart but sometimes I can’t.”
Usually Joan is the one to manage paper work and things like that but since she’s not around someone else had to do it. One of the good things about having jobs is that when a certain task comes up everyone knows who is going to do what. If it’s a public matter such as answering the phone, driving, filling out paperwork and stuff like that then we know Joan will handle it. If there’s a physical threat or a really hard decision to make then Morton handles it. If we have a job then we know what is expected of us and we know what to expect from others. When one person is absent from work then someone, anyone has to make up for the slack. Right now we have no idea who is able to handle the slack when Joan doesn’t show up for work. It seems random who will pick up the slack so to speak.
Two days ago I purchased a gift for my friend Maureen. I can’t wait for her to see it. I can feel her getting closer and closer which means I won’t be around again. I wanted to get her a thank you gift for all the homey touches she’s made here so I picked up a vintage ruler. It’s actually a wooden brick mason’s ruler but I know she’ll like it because it’s vintage. It’s a Lufkin No 636 and it folds up nicely. For just a buck I can make her smile. I like that.
I know she’s getting closer. I know this because I can feel her, but this means I won’t be here. Since I won’t be around I went ahead and paid everything for the month and filled the house with groceries. I made sure there’s a variety of a food so that even if Robert takes the helm he’ll have food he likes. I need to get some chalk for our chalk board so I can write to Amy, L.J. and Little Anna that they can do the basics. They don’t know they can eat, get something to drink or use the restroom without asking. They have no idea it’s 2011 because they’re stuck in the year of their age. When I was their age I had to ask to do absolutely everything. I didn’t make a move until I was told to. Those three still ask.
Dr. D and I talked about trust and violence. We talked about how Robert is cruel and abusive towards us. He cuts and burns us regularly. Dr. D says he’s one angry, belligerent boy who should be stopped. This conversation came up after Dr. D suggested that he no longer stay seated at the end of the session but rather he wanted to walk us to the door. Let me back up. At the end of my session I ask for two things. I want a 5 min warning that the session is about to end and I want him to stay seated while I leave. I don’t want him to walk me to the door, open it and escort me out. Some see it as walking me out but I see it as escorting me out, throwing me out and abandoning me. There’s more to it than that but I’ll get to that in a minute.
Dr. D’s suggestion caused serious upset. Because some of us were frightened by the suggestion Robert became aggressive and abusive towards me and others inside. He was so angry that we showed fear and upset. Because we did he wanted to make us hurt and hurt bad.
Inner Aggression and Abuse – Saturday, September 03, 2011-1:43am EST
The main thing I’ve felt this week is disturbed. I don’t know how to describe it other than disturbed. Dr. D and I briefly discussed hospitalization but I don’t want to do that again, especially so soon.
There’s been a lot of yelling, a lot of anger and anguish inside. We’re not right and I know it but I don’t want to spend my 40th birthday in the hospital. So I’ll keep throwing paint around, piling markers on top of crayons and tossing oil in with water colors. I’ll keep doing what I do without concern for if it looks right. It feels better when I paint. I wish I could sit down and read a bit but I’m a bit too anxious for that. I’ll just keep painting and maybe I’ll find balance somewhere.
RECENT COMMENTS