(If you happen to read this feel free to giggle at will)
I purchased a fancy goldfish from a local pet store and put it in a 20 gallon aquarium alone. At first it did just fine but then it started jumping out of the aquarium and onto the table where the aquarium sat. I’d hurry and put him back in but a few hours later I’d find him out again. Each time I found him he was significantly larger than before. He’d gotten so large that it began to kind of freak me out to pick him up and put him back in the aquarium.
One time this fish named Leon attached himself to the ceiling and hung out for a bit before maneuvering himself back in his aquatic home. Another time he sat on the branch of a silk tree and watched Bella who was on another branch. Bell wasn’t sure what to think of this over-sized fish so she just sat there until he squirmed away and went back home.
Continue reading ‘DREAM: Goldfish Out of Water’
The full dream can be found here.
COMMENTARY:
The fish is me. I see dissociation in this dream (me on the ceiling watching myself and my world). I also see me growing past certain spaces in my life. I think I was actively looking for a spot I fit in comfortably. The gender change is a common theme in my dreams and something Dr. D and I have discussed in the last few sessions. I still have a hard time with feeling as if people are trying to take my female identity. This stems from the sexual abuse by my mother and sister where I was forced to be the “husband” who either held or “made love” to his “wife.” For the most part that was my sister who put me in the husband’s role. My mother simply had me be a guy and refused me the natural right to feel like a girl. I still struggle with feeling as if my identity is in harms way.
Continue reading ‘DREAM COMMENTARY: Goldfish Out of Water’
Published on
February 8, 2010 in
Anger, Anxiety, Art Therapy, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Emotions, Grief Sadness Loss, Mental Health, PTSD, Therapy and Trust.
Tags: crayon and marker, mixed media.
There’s too much in these paintings to try and explain everything. I think the 
overall theme is anxiety, rage and grief.
When Dr. D saw this one here he didn’t notice at firs that it’s a human head vomiting up flowers. The head is tilted back and is strangled by a golden rope as flowers “grow” from it’s open, strained mouth. He said it’s disturbing but very well describes how hard it can be to manage what I feel. He said to keep writing, keep drawing what’s in my head and dreams because the work will pay off in healing. God, I hope so. I’d like to try and do a digital version of Flower Pot. I like that it expresses the feeling of being overwhelmed in an accurate but grotesque way. Grotesque is important since there’s nothing comfortable at all about how I’m feeling.
My therapist and I discussed the hanging people. I tried to explain to him that they aren’t suicide gestures but an illustration of how overwhelming emotion can be sometimes. My thoughts and emotions sometimes feel so powerful that it feels as if they could kill me. This is not me hanging but emotions strangling me. One of the things we talked about too is how the figure has evolved from a simple dress-like figure to one with hands and feet to one with distinctive clothing. I commented that perhaps the emotions are getting a little clearer and less generalized. I hope that’s the case. I hope things get clearer in my head.
Continue reading ‘Flowering’
I’m an adult yet when I sleep I need comfort, security, peace. For a few weeks now I’ve wanted a pacifier while sleeping. I know what kind I want too. I don’t want the baby kind. I want one slightly larger with a harder plastic than what children use. I just want to curl up with my face towards the wall, hold my teddy bear and sleep. I don’t even want to use the pacifier. I just want it to sit in my mouth while I fall asleep.
I feel so unprotected sometimes, vulnerable, exposed. By the time I got to sleep I’m not just physically tired but emotionally exhausted. I just want to feel the security of a newborn who depends upon someone else to make everything okay, make everything warm and safe.
Continue reading ‘Sleeping With A Pacifier’
I’m avoiding people for the most part. I seem very detached from most things and most people.
A cat showed up a few days ago. I brought him in yesterday I think it was. I’ve been looking on Craigslist to see if anyone lost him. I’ll be housing his little self for a bit. until I can find his owners or find him a new home. I think this is cat #3 in the last year or so that’s come in my yard and stayed. He sleeps in the baby carriage which is too sweet for words.
I’m fatigued, spacey and concerned about it. What have I forgotten? Who was I supposed to call? Where was I supposed to be today? My head is blank and I just want to go to sleep.
Fife’s daughter called on the 21st and said she was canceling Christmas. She said no one should come over because she wasn’t going to do a tree, make dinner or give out presents. She said the only present she’s giving this year are stocks to her 10 year old son. The boy is getting stocks for Christmas. He’ll be in therapy by the time he’s thirty. I didn’t realize she has the power to cancel someone’s holiday but evidently that power has been given to her.
Continue reading ‘This, That and the Other’
This drawing was started while waiting in the doctor’s office. The appointment didn’t’ go that well and I found myself way back in times past.
Drawing details: The woman’s face is split right down the middle. She’s divided in time and space. One part of her holds 2 houses and a giant tree which springs from her hair (her glory). The other side of the face is scared and red. Purple sky spills over into her bruises as well as the house on top of her head. I explained to my therapist that the houses I draw have to do with me attempting to process my past in today’s terms. It’s hard to make sense of. The house holds past experiences and new tapes. Somehow I’m suppose to thrive with them both, make a safe and calm place inside my mind with both there. I struggle to do that.
I’m uncertain how to grow tall when my shoulders feel so heavy and my mind is bogged down by unwanted visitors. I don’t know how to do it.
Continue reading ‘At Home, In My Head’
I remember this one. The first time I heard it I thought of myself, not of wars with guns but of life at home.
When I hear this song as an adult I can’t help but see the dissociative me, the one who can’t remember things, the one who isn’t sure if she’s awake or asleep but is certainly aware of pain.
Below is what’s being said by the doctor about the young soldier. This part isn’t sung in the song but is absolutely worth noting.
Continue reading ‘ONE’
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