I look at my eyes and think, my goodness Faith, you’ve gotta do something to bring the light back. It’s been too long that your eyes have been heavy and dark. You’ve got to do something to bring the light back.
Update:
Archive for the 'Grief Sadness Loss' Category
I wrote the entry about resilience in relation to the loss of a friend’s husband to death. My friend’s husband was in the final stages of MS but he also had a seizure disorder. He died in his sleep. In an instant my friend became a 27 year old widow and single mother of a one year old daughter. Her husband was 32 years old. My friend took her one year old and moved to New Albany to stay with friends. I hope to talk to her soon.
I may have written the entry about dealing with the loss and the sadness of her situation but it now applies to the loss of my sweet kitty Bella. About 4:30 this morning she passed away. I never expected her to be one of those cats that lives forever but I figured she’d make it past 4 years old. She’s been sick for awhile. Each winter she sort of hibernates and you can see it in her eyes that she doesn’t feel well. For the last 3 winters I wasn’t sure if she’d make it through, this winter she didn’t.
I’m not sure why it makes me sad but it does. I’ve seen her several times and had lunch with her a few times at the University. I guess to get a letter from her via email today was more moving than I expected it to be. I literally brought me to tears.
Today I slept through therapy. I went to bed earlier than usual but wasn’t able to sleep due to extreme pain. I finally fell asleep around 9am and slept until 4:45PM. I woke when the phone rang. It was a friend calling to tell me she missed me a lot and that she loves me. She said she’d been thinking about me. It was hard to hear anyone’s voice at all because I just woke from a bad dream. I called my therapist to tell him I was sorry I missed my appointment. He wasn’t available. I’ll see him on Monday.
I’ve mentioned that I’m in a creative rut right now and that my artistic well is pretty much dried up. I also said that my self esteem is a huge block for me right now. I decided to write a few thoughts about painting, sewing and other forms of creativity.
When I paint or draw I am at my freest. I have few inhibitions and will take color and composition risks. I take risks in art but avoid them in real life. Man I’m not a risk taker, sheshh but in art work I’ll cross lines I was taught to observe and do it with no real concern as to if it turns out good or not. I mostly enjoy the journey but in real life I avoid risks like the plague.
Right now I feel bound and blinded by self doubt. I’ve painted for too long to say “I can’t.” Self criticism prevents me from seeing that I can. When my sight is limited progress suffers. Nothing gets out or in, including creativity.
There’s too much in these paintings to try and explain everything. I think the 
overall theme is anxiety, rage and grief.
When Dr. D saw this one here he didn’t notice at firs that it’s a human head vomiting up flowers. The head is tilted back and is strangled by a golden rope as flowers “grow” from it’s open, strained mouth. He said it’s disturbing but very well describes how hard it can be to manage what I feel. He said to keep writing, keep drawing what’s in my head and dreams because the work will pay off in healing. God, I hope so. I’d like to try and do a digital version of Flower Pot. I like that it expresses the feeling of being overwhelmed in an accurate but grotesque way. Grotesque is important since there’s nothing comfortable at all about how I’m feeling.
My therapist and I discussed the hanging people. I tried to explain to him that they aren’t suicide gestures but an illustration of how overwhelming emotion can be sometimes. My thoughts and emotions sometimes feel so powerful that it feels as if they could kill me. This is not me hanging but emotions strangling me. One of the things we talked about too is how the figure has evolved from a simple dress-like figure to one with hands and feet to one with distinctive clothing. I commented that perhaps the emotions are getting a little clearer and less generalized. I hope that’s the case. I hope things get clearer in my head.
***comments are off***
It doesn’t make sense to me. I’m annoyed, angered, exhausted by the whole thing. I also know there’s no way on earth I’m going to be okay with starting over not when I fear being tossed aside again when the wind blows slightly off course. That pisses me off, it does, to feel thrown away over the …..(no more editing my thoughts) I feel thrown away over the most stupid, minor bull shit of which only half was my fault. I just want to scream, we aren’t in a fucking fairy tale, guess who screws up? Yup everybody and I figure unless there is some huge crime committed that can’t be resolved then one shouldn’t have running away at the top of their list of ways to resolve issues. It pisses me off that….it’s wrong is all. It’s totally wrong. Because there’s an issue or two it doesn’t mean someone has to leave but I’ll be damned if that isn’t exactly what happened. So yeah, I’m frustrated, I’m angry and maybe even a little bit bitter.
I’m an adult yet when I sleep I need comfort, security, peace. For a few weeks now I’ve wanted a pacifier while sleeping. I know what kind I want too. I don’t want the baby kind. I want one slightly larger with a harder plastic than what children use. I just want to curl up with my face towards the wall, hold my teddy bear and sleep. I don’t even want to use the pacifier. I just want it to sit in my mouth while I fall asleep.
I feel so unprotected sometimes, vulnerable, exposed. By the time I got to sleep I’m not just physically tired but emotionally exhausted. I just want to feel the security of a newborn who depends upon someone else to make everything okay, make everything warm and safe.
RECENT COMMENTS