Archive for the 'PTSD' CategoryPage 2 of 47

Forgiving Myself

Published
by
JoanofArc
on August 20, 2008
in Abuse, Art, Art Therapy, Mental Health, Morton's Pride, PTSD and Therapy
. 3 Comments

We talked about the painting Forgiveness today. I, like most, could list a thousand more things but these are just the basic ones. The main thing is to forgiven myself for the things I had to do to live through what my mother was doing. Some things I can give myself a break on but others are still in need of attention.

Self forgiveness is needed for past and present mistakes or failings such as-
Feeding off of guilt like a sucker fish on waste in a tank.
For all the stuff I put myself through even though I know it’s harmful for me,
For learning to like the pain so I wouldn’t lose my mind.
For even coming up with the idea that I should begin to train myself to like it or I’d die.
For hitting my sister to try and help her escape mentally.
For letting my spirituality go to the way side day by day,
For not having what it takes to manage an outside job right now
For taking so long to leave home
Continue reading ‘Forgiving Myself’

Disinfect

Published
by
Austin
on August 18, 2008
in Abuse, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, Morton's Pride, PTSD and Therapy
. 1 Comment

As always I held my breath when I passed Dr. D to leave. I expect to get slapped on the back. As I walked through the doorway I wondered, “Does he disinfect his office after I leave?” The thought caught me by surprise. Yes, I feel that dirty, that I’d leave a trail behind me that requires the use of disinfectants to get rid of any traces of filth I may have left behind.

While we talked about recreating the abuse I doodled. It’s helped keep me from rapid switching so I’m happy I do it. He wants to talk more Wednesday about the drawing.

For some reason he thinks he offends me when he asks questions. Most of the time he doesn’t. Today he asked something, I can’t remember what and around the same time Renea (age 9) came out. He thought it was something he asked but our switching had to do with the yellow crayon we were using not the question. Eventually I told him that. We talked about yellow for a little bit and how for us it represents cowardly behavior. We felt like a coward giving into our mother. Yellow is also the colour of her mattress. There was never a sheet on that mattress, we laid on it bare. We didn’t have sheets at all as a child, everything was bare. As an adult I have sheets but not yellow ones. I prefer blue or white. Every Monday is clean sheets day. I even have pillow cases. We didn’t use pillows as a child. I have 6 of them in shams as well as a huge duck and a moose on my bed. I think I’m making up for lost time. One of the things I want for the bed is a drape that goes over the sides of the headboard but isn’t over the bed. It’s more on the wall. It’s easy enough to do. I just need to find the right thing. I’ve been looking.

Continue reading ‘Disinfect’

Re-create and Destroy - UPDATED

Published
by
JoanofArc
on August 18, 2008
in Abuse, Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD and Therapy
. 5 Comments

This is one of those entries that I’ve considered writing before but didn’t because what I’m about to say seems sick and insane. I don’t want to be seen as sick or insane. Yesterday this subject came up in private conversation and I realized I need to say something about it. Maybe I need to say it to purge myself of guilt a little more. The thing is, this is a regular occurrence not just something that has only been said out loud once.

It seems that after a really hard therapy session the only thing I can think about doing is having sex. I’m not even out of my therapist’s door good and I’ve got one thing on my mind, get laid. I can’t even see straight for thinking about it. When I got home (when someone was here to come home to) I could relieve the need for self harm by re-creating abusive acts. Now here I am with no one here to help relieve that need. My eyes have begun to wander and that frightens me.

Am I actually turned on by flashbacks? No, not in the least. So what do I gain from seeking sexual contact after a heavy therapy session or strong flashbacks concerning abuse?

Continue reading ‘Re-create and Destroy - UPDATED’

DID At The Forefront

Published
by
JoanofArc
on August 9, 2008
in Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Morton's Pride, PTSD and Relationships
. 5 Comments

I talked to Dr. D about his question and how I heard it. He confirmed that what he was asking is how DID affected my relationship with Blossom. We hadn’t discussed it before so he asked. I’m telling you, the name of that woman brings anxiety bubbling up so as I began to answer the question I dissociated and switched. After getting myself back together I told him that basically it was in the forefront at all times and I felt it put a burden on me because of it.

DID is of course a major part of my life. It touches quite a few things but when the person you are involved with unnecessarily makes everything about your DID when you don’t want them to then it becomes a burden. One of the common worries of a multiple is that people will believe he or she is a fake and that they don’t really have Dissociative Identity Disorder. Even the multiple (including myself) has doubts about their disorder. It’s clear in others but for our own emotional safety we sometimes keep a bit of denial on hand. After all, fully accepting the diagnosis means fully accepting how you got it. That is a difficult pill to swallow. So when you don’t really want everything to be about your disorder but the person you are with does it starts problems.

Continue reading ‘DID At The Forefront’

To Walk Amongst Beauty

Published
by
Austin
on August 7, 2008
in Depression, Mental Health and PTSD
. 0 Comments

I was not a happy camper today. Any patience I had for mankind was spent yesterday. Today I didn’t want to see anyone or talk to anyone. I realized I needed to get out of the house and get some fresh air, try and recharge, so I went to my secret garden. Once I got there I walked around for just a few minutes then went in the conservatory area. There’s a plant there called a sensitive plant. When you touch it the leaves close to protect itself from predators. I suppose I didn’t expect it to close so fast so echoing through the quiet garden room was “Ah shit!” I suppose I thought it would close so slowly I wouldn’t notice but it was kinda fast. It didn’t try to take my finger off or anything, thank goodness but I certainly didn’t expect to actually see it close within a second. The funny thing is, I know how it feels. I close up that fast too. In awe I walked on to the koi pond where the koi are so large they can easily unnerve you. I sat at a bench for a second by a small waterfall then moved on to see the vanilla vines and a few other plants I hadn’t been able to focus on during other visits. After that I looked at the display of frogs and corn snakes then moved outside to where the one and only sunflower grows. I couldn’t help but smile at it.

Continue reading ‘To Walk Amongst Beauty’

What I Heard You Say

Published
by
JoanofArc
on August 6, 2008
in Art Therapy, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, PTSD and Therapy
. 6 Comments

Dr. D says sometimes he has a hard time following my train of thought but he noticed when I write something down it’s clear and to the point. He has few questions when he reads something I’ve written. But when I open my mouth and try to talk my mind goes blank. After that he said to me, “How did Blossom handle your DID?”

What I heard him say is:
If I’m a professional and I struggle to understand where you’re coming from then how is a layperson such as Blossom supposed to deal with you?

My conclusion from that:
I’m just going to have to accept that it was my fault and that I’m hard to deal with because I’m split apart. It was all my fault, how can I expect her to deal with me when you can’t? I should have given her a break even if I didn’t feel she deserves one with me.

My reaction:
Close off, say nothing else, feel terrible, keep my head down, and lose total eye contact for the remainder of the session. I just kept drawing.
Fear and Anxiety Art Therapy Quiet (Art Therapy)
Feelings:
Guilt, shame, anger
Guilt that I’m messed up
Shame that I’m messed up
Angry that I can’t open my mouth and say, “This wasn’t all my fault”

Feelings now:
Shame, resolved
Shame that I’d hear meaning behind an innocent statement
I feel kinda good that I could process it out and see where I heard incorrectly and understand why I heard it incorrectly.

This is why:
I changed the word handle to deal and assumed he, like my family, would make me responsible for the downfall of everything around me. Dr D did not do that. He asked a question about our relationship with no blame attached to it.

Joan of Arc

I got some orders mailed out, had a bit of dinner, watched some fluff TV and played with my dog. I also updated the Art Therapy gallery. That was pretty much my day.

I have therapy tomorrow/today. You’d think I’d be use to being up all night before but man I’m tired.

What I Heard You Say-Wednesday, August 06, 2008-2:26AM EST

Faceless

Published
by
Austin
on August 3, 2008
in Abuse, Mental Health and PTSD
. 5 Comments

This is where I’m coming from…………..

I don’t want to be different. My mother pressed that so much. You’re not like other people. You don’t fit in with your friends. You’re better than them, etc, etc all the while reminding me that I’d never measure up to her. We will never be equals she said. We kept our head covered out of shame. (I don’t wear baseball hats simply for style). I want to fit in. I want to blend in and I don’t want to be any different than anyone else.

They said I was heartless. I think I mix up the word heartless with strong which may be why that word is so triggering for me.

It’s not that hard to love me. It’s not a chore. My brother wasn’t that hard to love either but they still called him, “the burden” to his face. No name, no real identity, just “the burden.”

In public we were to make sure we looked people in the eye. We were to stand erect, head up, make sure we make our presence known. When speaking to someone look them in the eye, teach them how to be better people. I don’t want to teach anyone. I just want to be. I’m not a teacher.

Continue reading ‘Faceless’

Dream: Refuel and Refresh

Published
by
Austin
on July 30, 2008
in Dreams and PTSD
. 1 Comment

The Haunting **TRIGGERING***As dreams go this one seems less offensive than others but I still have that sick and dissociated feeling. I have come to know in my own dreams food symbolizes life sustenance. More specifically emotional and spiritual needs. I’ve noticed when I’m about to eat something traumatic happens. We’re going to meet friends to lunch or dinner, we’re going inside a diner where there’s cool air and refreshments after a long walk through the wilderness but something happens to stop this ability to refuel and refresh. I’m forced to deal with some sort of trauma on the same energy I had and draw from an already stressed well. This particular dream had the same symbolism in it. In dream therapy you’re suppose to write down the dream as it happened then re-write it the way you wish it happened or to make you the victor instead of the victim, powerful instead of powerless but I’m unable to re-write this one. I can at least copy down what I remember so here goes:

Dream:
The mother and I are going to go to the grocery store the following day. I’m out of food so she’s going to purchase groceries for me. The next day I get up but she stays in bed. The cab we called has arrived but the mother is taking so long to get up that it’s clear she won’t make the run. It’s decided that I’ll go alone. The mother has to look for the money. While she’s looking for her money a news flash comes on that Germany is bombing a small village because they didn’t appreciate the fact that the cost of fuel and food went up beyond what their small budgets could manage. The dream switches to standing in my grandmother’s kitchen.

Continue reading ‘Dream: Refuel and Refresh’

Difficult Time Stabilizing

Published
by
Austin
on July 29, 2008
in Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, Morton's Pride, PTSD and Therapy
. 6 Comments

My doctor and I have been discussing my suicidal tendencies, urges to self mutilate, rapid switching and hospitalization. So far there’s a no go on hospitalization but it’s not totally out of the window. I’m having a really difficult time stabilizing. I keep switching repeatedly. I can’t hold a conversation to save my life. I can write stuff down but to say it out loud, anything much out loud, doesn’t seem to work. I haven’t made any phone calls to anyone because of it.

In therapy I’m sure I look like a fumbling idiot. I switch so fast. One person can be right in the middle of a sentence then just leave. The other person out tries to finish the sentence but has no clue at all what we were talking about. We are not really sharing space as well as we have before so it leaves the next person out rather clueless… and embarrassed. Our functioning has shut down because of our inability to concentrate on things. I think I’ve visited a few blogs in the last few days. If for some reason I don’t show up at your blog know it’s because I can’t seem to keep it together for very long. I hope to get my head back soon. If I end up in patient I’ll send out a general email to a group of you that know one another. I also have a way to have someone post a short and sweet entry here on Sundrip. Hopefully this won’t need to happen.

So what happens to Captain if I go in? He’ll be next door with his 3 buddies. Always good to know a neighbor will step in when you need it. The girls can be cared for over here by my roommate. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind filling their bowls once a day and cleaning out the box. I don’t see him having a problem with that. Captain would be a bit much for him though.

That’s all for now,

Austin

Dolls, Needles and Recovery

Published
by
Austin
on July 28, 2008
in Abuse, Art, Art Therapy and PTSD
. 4 Comments

I drew an outline of the doll on the material then cut her out and sewed her. Since I have a history with needles I had to sew her up right to the top of the head then stuff her. I couldn’t sew the body then add the arms and legs because it felt like I was putting needles in the hands of a child… of a little me. I have a very difficult time separating myself from dark coloured dolls. Putting a needle into the hands or feet of the doll is too much so I have to find another way to put her together. I found it easier to do less cutting and to only have to turn her inside out and put the stuffing in through the head. I then wound yarn, put it in the open part, doubled it and sewed it in. For some reason I was able to stay grounded while doing that.

I knew where the needle was at all times. It never touched the floor where it could possibly get lost and find it’s way into to souls of my feet. I stuck my hand a few times but it was manageable. When it happened a few times someone inside said, “I don’t like the feeling of needles in my hands.” That sounds rather strange to say but when being beaten the mother would say, “Does this feel good?” My expected reply, “This feels good mommy.” So when someone inside said, “I don’t like the feeling of needles in my hands” it was rather healing.

Continue reading ‘Dolls, Needles and Recovery’