DREAM COMMENTARY:
First let me say, I have no idea what the whole “follow your nose to Texas” means. People from Tyler, Texas do not smell like red clay earth. Sorry for any offense to my fellow Texans. Moving on, I think it’s interesting that the young boy had a flashback right there in the dream and I got to see what happened to him to make him so disturbed. This dream has a lot of different pieces taken from real life experiences so it’ll be hard to tear it apart piece by piece. The only thing I can say is someone did try and test my boundaries in a way that was not appropriate, I did sleep in the car with my mother as a child, I did have needles in my feet at a child and I only gave hugs when forced to. I know the red headed children in that dream from a long time ago.
I think it’s interesting that in the dream when we left in the middle of the night I had bags but my sister had nothing. I was prepared but she was not. She gave in to the family (hugs) but I was known as a rebellious cold hearted child. I walked in front of her, she followed.
Continue reading ‘Dream: Three Families and Trust Commentary’
I saw the new pdoc who is actually a nurse practitioner. I sort of grilled her about her experience with psych meds. I asked not just what meds she knows but what meds she’s seen make a difference in the lives of her clients. We talked about prescription Lyrica for the fybro. Right now we’re keeping all meds as they are. During the session she asked the basics. Have you ever been abused, is there a history of addiction in your family, blah, blah, blah, etc, etc. She then asked if I’m in a relationship. I said yes but it’s brand spanking new. She asked if the person is a man or woman. When I answered she paused then said, “Um, how long have you been gay?” I laughed and said, “About as long as I’ve been black.” It was a nice icebreaker. She and I laughed about it. She said it was a stupid question but I thought it was kinda funny.
We then moved into a bit about the mother. She just shook her head like most do in total disgust. At the end she said, “Now, lets discuss your fee.” I about fell over. I know I changed 6 colours when she said that. I said, “Um, fee? I was under the impression this was pro-bono. That’s what the secretary said; this is pro-bono for right now.” She said it wasn’t and could I pay anything at all. I said, no, I don’t have anything to give you. I have three dollars and you can’t have it. I immediately thought to myself, “I could always do like people do at a restaurant. I wouldn’t dine and dash but psych and dash.” She then asked if I’d be willing to trade artwork or crafts as payment. I’m sure I didn’t show it but I was livid. This is the thing, I’ve bartered with my artwork for a lot of different things. I’ve bartered for furniture, DVD’s, work on my computer and a host of other things but I WILL NEVER trade art for therapy. Hell I’ve sold art therapy sketches before but I will not trade my art for psych services. I’d rather get a bill for that $100 session than to hand her a hundred bucks worth of prints or a few dolls. Forget that. It’s not going to happen. I thought all of that but I never said anything. I just looked at her in total disbelief.
Continue reading ‘This Is My Heart and Soul’
My goodness, she was hard but fun. I can’t wait to do the next one and the next one. This is actually the 4th doll I’ve ever made but there will be more.
In addition to moving from sock dolls to 28 inch rag dolls I’ve also come to see sewing as a great form of relaxation. I like the repetitive stitching. Since I most need relaxation in the evening time I snuggle up in my little Lazy Boy and have at it. I may toss on music or just sit with my fur babies around me and sew until my heart is content.
Continue reading ‘Charlene - Moving Through and Forward’
I think I’m just going to jump right into the memory thing with the mother. I don’t know how to start it easy so I’m going to jump right into it. This is what I remember.
She would sit on the edge of the love seat and I’d sit between her legs. Sometimes she was just combing my hair but I had to face her with her legs open. She wasn’t wearing anything at all or what she was wearing was a half slip pulled up under her arms. When I’d complain she’d tell me I couldn’t see anything because she was too fat. She said her fat legs didn’t let me see anything. Sometimes I kept my eyes closed but it didn’t prevent me from smelling her. Sometimes all she did was comb my hair but other times she wanted sexual contact. I was not allowed to do my own hair until high school. To this day I don’t get on my knees for fuckin’ anybody or anything and I certainly don’t crawl. I don’t crawl.
Continue reading ‘Kneeling Before The Mother’
I thought to myself, I’m such a moron. I can’t even keep my head straight and get one sentence out without stuttering or switching. This poor man is probably holding 10 different conversations. No wonder he doesn’t know what I’m talking about half the time cause half the time I’m switching so fast that I can’t keep up with myself. I feel bad for him sometimes having me as a client.
We were supposed to talk about the flashbacks I’ve been having but I freaked out and did the revolving door thing. I wonder if he’s going to tell me I babble too much and it frustrates him so it would be better if someone else tried to treat me. Part of me says that’s ridiculous but another part worries he’ll eventually get fed up with the revolving door thing. I guess too he doesn’t always know when I’ve switched so maybe he’s not as frustrated as I think he is or maybe I’m just worried because I know how messed up I feel and how hopeless I feel at times.
Continue reading ‘Swimming In Negativity’
Amy Smiles thinks Dr. D might be a bit daft. She doesn’t think he’s that bright. (he doesn’t read our blog, thank goodness.) She’s also figured out that she’s a five year old messenger. I have issues with that too because a five year old shouldn’t have to sit in therapy and talk about this kind of stuff. We talked about the muzzle as well as other instances of being treated like a dog. We talked about continued flashbacks from when the Lamb was on her knees in front of us then we ended by talking about our issues with being gay and how uncomfortable we are with that. I can’t remember why we started calling her the Lamb. Somehow through all of that talking I nearly fell asleep in session. I just couldn’t keep my eyes open. I was so tired I couldn’t see straight. We’re going to go over that particular sofa memory a little more to try and desensitize it. Oh joy. I so look forward to that.. the same as I look forward to tooth extractions and open heart surgery with no anesthesia. When I got up to leave I wasn’t balanced and fell. Quite embarrassing. I’ve been having trouble with my legs for the last few days. This is the first time in a long time I’ve fallen in public. Joy of joys. I wondered if I was going to make it down the stairs okay. I just sat down and thought about how my pride kept me from bringing my cane to therapy. .. that and it didn’t match my outfit.
Continue reading ‘Without Anesthesia’
I know she lied but I guess when you use the word “lie” out loud it sounds and lands much differently from when its heard inside. My mother lied. My abusers lied. In my head it lands with a soft but haunting thud. My mother lied. My abusers lied. Out loud it nearly knocks me off my feet. For the first time ever someone told me in those words, “She lied to you.” I mean I know she did but to say it out loud is to make it all her fault and take the blame off of me. Truthfully, I still blame myself for some things but what is more, I still feel bad inside and I still am willing to believe on some levels that this abuse story I tell can’t really be true. To say she lied means I am believed. To believe me is to confirm that I am a good liar and can convince good and honest people to turn against the mother. It is so confusing. In my head it’s a secret but out loud it’s a conspiracy to bring the woman that gave birth to me down in a ball of slanderous flames.
Every September for as long as I can remember we went to my grandfather’s old orphanage. It’s a historical place and a beautiful one too. I have very fond memories of it especially hanging by the duck pond in paddle boats or laying beside geese gazing at the starry sky. I have amazing memories from that place.
Continue reading ‘A Conditioned Liar’
Dr. D - What is that on her face?
Amy Smiles - It’s a mask. You wear it over your head so you can’t talk.
Dr. D - What do you call it?
Amy Smiles - A muzzle.
Dr. D - Why did she make you wear it?
Amy Smiles - Because we were dogs.
Dr. D - No, you weren’t a dog but she did treat you like one.
Amy Smiles - I’m sorry.
The cousin (Wolf) ate off the floor and not at the table because dogs don’t eat at the table.
The sister and I slept outside in the driveway in the car because dogs don’t sleep in the house.
We were just dogs to them.
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J of A
We Were Dogs-Saturday, September 20, 2008-12:39AM EST
I don’t know what my issue is but I’m not right. I haven’t put a bite of food in my mouth in two days. I’ve been taking in fluids but not food. I’m angry enough to throw things. I’m extra jumpy too. All the cat did was meow and I about had to be pealed off the ceiling. The dog sneezed and I all but had to be pealed off the ceiling. Some stupid motorcycle went by and my heart raced for several minutes afterwards. I’m not sure what my issue is but damn if this isn’t crazy.
I guess I should know what my problem is but things right now seem so … I don’t know…
Continue reading ‘What Is My Problem?’
When my eyes hit the floor this morning they did so in shock. My house is so clean right now and I don’t remember doing it. Since the blast of crisis after crisis I have to admit I’ve lost time, did things I don’t remember doing and said things I don’t remember saying. My emotions have been on a roller coaster or they get buried and I feel nothing at all. I am emotionally and physically exhausted. To my knowledge it has been awhile since I’ve lost this kind of time and it’s been awhile since I’ve been unable to account for my time and whereabouts. I’m a tad bit alarmed about it because when this happens it means I need to try and gather myself so as not to lose even more of the slight grip I have on things.
Continue reading ‘My Whereabouts. Where Am I?’
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