Archive for the 'Secrets and Confessions' Category

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The Last Time – In a better place

Published on March 1, 2012 in Anger, Depression, Emotions, Grief Sadness Loss, Relationships and Secrets and Confessions. 1 Comment Tags: , .

The last time I talked to her I told her to leave me alone. I told her I wasn’t able to keep up with that level of intense and ongoing drama and that it would be better if she didn’t call or come by anymore. I said she’s selfish and careless and bordering on sociopathic. I told her she’d end up killing me. Eventually she’d end up killing me. She scoffed. I reminded her of a few things. She laughed. It’s not funny.

I wanted her to go away because I really and truly worried for my safety. I worried enough to move the sofa in front of the door. She was going off the deep end due to abandonment issues by her ex-husband, then there I was telling her to hit the road and don’t come back. She’d come to the door and talk to me through the door but I didn’t open it. She’d call and call but I didn’t answer. Then it stopped.

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On Being Normal

Published on February 26, 2012 in Dissociative Identity Disorder, Emotions, PTSD, Relationships, Secrets and Confessions, Therapy and Trust. 3 Comments

This entry is all over the place. .. whatever though…….. I’m sort of thinking as I type so its all over the place.

That girl I saw this evening, someone Joan knew, has strange interests. She doesn’t fit into the category of normal. We’re in the same slot I think. The funny thing is, she throws herself into these projects that others find meaningless…and irritating but I have to ask, what’s the harm? For awhile she’ll collect one item then up and decide she’s done with that collection and wants to sell it off for a new collection of some “off beat” interest. She also tries these “off the wall” business ventures that don’t go anywhere … but… it makes her happy. She doesn’t fit into the regular box…and that’s kind of cool.

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Black for Dummies

Published on February 1, 2012 in Abuse, Anger, Art Therapy, Emotional abuse, Emotions, Female Sadist, Letters Home, Secrets and Confessions and Trust. 0 Comments Tags: .

This entry is a follow up to the pink dryer entry . This handwritten entry goes into detail about how difficult it was to feel as if I belonged anywhere or was seen as anything but an object of derision.

The very first art piece shows a three headed child with the caption, “You can be anyone except who you really are.” This art therapy piece will make more sense if the pages are read concerning being black and how I was told to be an example for others. The example I was to set was insane and rather stupid thus the title, Black for Dummies.

My therapist and I spent a good amount of time talking how during this writing I stumbled upon the understanding that my sister should not be seen as weak for how she handled the abuse. Continue reading ‘Black for Dummies’

The Rules of War and Peace

Published on January 28, 2012 in Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, Emotions, Fear, Letters Home, Relationships and Secrets and Confessions. 3 Comments Tags: , .

The very first thing I do when there’s a new relationship is think to myself: how can I get out of this? Where is my exit?

I need to feel in control by serving. That sounds so strange but really, if I provide everything….food, comfort, clean clothing, a clean house, affection, etc, etc am I not in control? It’s also a set up because when things go south trust me, you’ll hear about how I did everything and got treated like shit. I cooked, cleaned, kept that house running and still got treated like shit. It’s a set up. I’m telling you, I’m not the person to go out with. I go in looking for a way out and I go in setting you up to fail!

At this time I’m not capable of truly loving you but I am capable of being co-dependent.

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Art Therapy: Changes in Black and White

Published on January 20, 2012 in Anxiety, Art, Art Therapy, Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Emotions, Female Sadist, PTSD, Secrets and Confessions and Therapy. 1 Comment

I wasn’t feeling all that calm or collected at the time of these particular drawings which were done with an ink pen or black gel pen.

When I first moved here I thought to myself, my goodness, I’ve gone from the pan into the fire. For a minute that might have been true but its far from true now. For just a moment it was rough.

At first I decided not to do any more end of life foster care for animals or feed newborns. I figured it might be okay to babysit from time to time but I’ll limit that as well. I briefly did foster care for a 15 year old male tabby. His photo is among the sketches. Seeing that boy roll around in catnip was priceless!!! Ever seen an old cat drop about 14.5 years in a few minutes? Yeah, that was pretty awesome.

Some of my issues are the same, which I expected. I expected anxiety and stuff like that but I never expected to end up at my going to my mother’s house.  That blew me away.

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Womanchild in a Fairy Tale

Published on August 22, 2011 in Relationships and Secrets and Confessions. 1 Comment Tags: , .

A crush is so much harder than sex. Sex is easy, mindless almost, but a crush is hard work and complicated. It leaves me feeling vulnerable, less in control than I’d like to be.

Cowboi showed up in a white dress shirt, black slacks, black socks and black shoes. She had her hair spiked and looked totally awesome! Back to the shoes. I mentioned the color of her socks because that’s kind of important. Had she worn brown socks or God forbid, white socks that would have spoken volumes to me. I was truly pleased to see clean, black socks with nice, clean black shoes.

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My Conversation with a Sex Offender

Published on August 10, 2011 in Abuse, Anger, Emotions, PTSD and Secrets and Confessions. 5 Comments Tags: .

I never thought I’d ever sit down with an offender and speak to him frankly and have him freely answer my questions. When I spoke to him I told him I didn’t need to know why but I did need to know if he understood what he put his son through. I needed to know if he understood the amount of damage he caused by his actions. I also asked if he’s repentant and if so what did he do to get to that point? It’s not enough to say you’re sorry or repentant; you have to act, move forward and away from those behaviors. What steps were taken to show repentance?
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