The meeting took place in the kitchen of a house I don’t think I’ve ever been in. Everyone was stark naked, openly exposed as it were. I was dripping wet and toweled off as my mother made her announcement. The mother called the meeting to let everyone know she’d had enough of her two daughters and was moving out. Two teenage boys (black, unknown) told the mother if she moved in with them they’d take care of her and wouldn’t abandon her needs like her daughters did. She said she was grateful but wanted to go live with an older lady until my sister and I got ourselves together enough to accept her back into the household. My sister excused herself and wasn’t seen again in the dream until the very end.
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The full dream is written here.
COMMENTARY:
Before I went to bed last night I thought, man I need a good hot meal and a nice glass of water. When I had bulimia-like issues so long ago it was only junk food I’d keep down. I’d binge heavily and keep it down faster than if I ate a healthy meal. If I ate a good meal I didn’t sweat for I’d almost immediately throw it up. I didn’t think I deserved good food I didn’t break my back or trade my body to get. In the dream when I lived with her I ate junk food but vowed to eat healthy when she left. I think in the dream instead of it being a symbol that I’d throw it up I was showing that I’d leave behind the idea that all I was worth was crap. I think my self worth attached to food was turned the right way. Junk food in excess is abusive to the body, healthy food helps you thrive. The dream started in the kitchen and pretty much kept the food theme through out.
Have you ever wondered what you get out of behaviors that are considered negative? Have you ever stood back and watched the process of these negative behaviors in order to understand what happens before, during and after? In doing so you may be able to better understand the motivation behind the behaviors as well as little clues into issues that may need to be processed thoroughly with a professional.
There are several behaviors I have where it was necessary to take a step back and analyze my movements. I paid most attention to the steps that were pivotal and imperative to allow me to reach a desirable outcome. When it comes to cutting I’ve seen a pattern that I’d like to share. Before I do I need to note that this entry is not about the dangers of self harm nor is it meant to tell people they’re bad or wrong for cutting. The entry will not give an opinion on cutting but a more in depth look into my own process which leads to self injury. As you read it consider mapping your own steps before and after behaviors that are considered dangerous or unproductive.
For me, the whole process begins with a trigger. The trigger could be anything from feeling like a failure to fear of abandonment. I can be triggered to self harm if I feel embarrassed, belittled or completely overwhelmed by a problem that feels out of my control. No matter what the trigger my process for self injury is the same. I’m going to do sort of an outline to show this process.
- The trigger
- Anxiety that leads to a plan– my anxiety level goes to an all time high. I can’t deal with the anxiety. It hurts. Obsessive thoughts of self injury take over and I need to calm them. Self harm feels like the best way to end these thoughts. I know I’ve done it before and it worked. All I have to do is cut and all this madness stops.
- Negative Self Talk - I beat myself up about wanting to cut, burn or scratch my skin.
This step here is important because it leads to the other steps. Beating myself up about wanting to cut lowers my self esteem, tanks it. If I didn’t degrade myself on top of the heavy emotions I already feel from the original trigger I may not be pushed over the edge. Without going over that edge I won’t cut. Negative self talk is important if I’m actually going to pick up that instrument and accomplish what I want to do. In this negative self talk I remind myself of how horrible I am for wanting to cut. I think about how disappointed others will be if they find out. I go on and on and on until I feel like filth. This step of beating and lowering my self esteem leads to justification. Continue reading ‘The Process of Self Injury P1′
Here’s what I’ve learned from observing my own process described in Part One.
Right off I noticed how much self talk is involved. I give myself the speech about how worthless I am in order to feel bad enough to cut. This negative self talk is important because without I’m not in the proper mindset to drag something sharp across my skin.
After it’s all said and done I give myself a pep talk and offer myself kindness in the form of forgiveness. All the self talk I do, for or against motivates my actions. This tells me I have the ability to influence my behavior based on what I tell myself about myself.
The long and short of it is this, I set up an environment of false control where I have control over breaking myself, shaming myself, showing myself compassion for my plight which leads to a self injury rescue, all to end with forgiveness and a plan to be a person worthy of my friends. I feel control over it all from start to finish.
Let me please address the issue of cutting alone for fear of victimizing others. Continue reading ‘The Process of Self Injury Pt 2′
The house in the dream was the one from the 4th grade, not a picnic let me tell ya. In the dream the house was on wheels but parked in the parking lot of where my mother use to work. Before I went inside the house to help everyone (the house was packed) I began to lay Bibles by each window so that people could see the persons who lived in that house were Christian and should not be considered a threat to them. After laying them around I went inside and began looking around the house. We still had all our stuff packed in boxes and bags which were piled high to the ceiling in some areas. As I looked around things began to disappear. I’d look to the left then the right, then back to the left. What was once there was gone so I moved boxes in that area to make more room for people to stand. I was trying to shift everything to one side so that we could free up the other as living quarters. Things kept disappearing so I kept moving and making it more comfortable for everyone.
The place was packed with people. Everyone stood really, really close to one another. There were adults and children, male and female packed from end to end in the house. Some held babies and some stood beside teens and younger ones. As I rearranged the boxes they could spread out a little more and be a little more comfortable. My mother watched me rearrange things. I barked orders at my sister who helped. The people didn’t, they just filled up spaces I created them.
COMMENTARY:
That was one incredible dream, just incredible. Some of the things that stand out for me are the obvious connections to the house I live in now and the condition of the houses I lived in as a child. The filth is very much the same. The mice situation is out of hand like before as well. I was also struck by how I made the best of the situation and made space for these people to be more comfortable. My sister’s roll in the dream was submissive as in real life. My mother was inactive until the end of the dream where she was cold and unmoved by what she saw.
I figure these people in the house were insiders, alters created when needed.
I also think it’s interesting that instead of mice being caught in the traps specific animals not usually caught in a mouse trap lay there lingering. None of these animals were dead. They were in the traps suffering but not dead. Then a snake turned into a fish who instead of being returned to water was thrown in the garbage can to suffocate and die. The suffering was without cause. I didn’t want to see it but my mother called me back.
Continue reading ‘Dream Commentary: Making Space and Surviving Pt2′
The dream started out with me in the kitchen of a house I’ve never been in before. There was a huge crash which ended up being a rock that was tossed through the living room window. Although one rock was tossed three separate windows were broken. They were broken with the same fractures as if the rock was tossed the exact same way with the exact same speed and everything else precise two more times, right beside the first window. That is of course impossible.
I went outside to see what was going on. Just then a group of people walked up to me and said they were waiting for an ambulance and while they waited could they use my restroom. I looked at everyone to measure their distress level and decided to tell the spokesperson for the group that I wouldn’t be able to do that. Humiliated, embarrassed and ashamed that I had to turn them away, I pointed the group to a restaurant across the street. Of course they were upset (pissed if you will). I tried to explain to one person that I just couldn’t do it. I have obsessive compulsive disorder and I couldn’t let them use my restroom. He shook his head in understanding then left with the small crowd. I’m not sure where they went.
My sister then re-appeared in the dream and told me there was some big to-do at the small cottage in the backyard. I went back there, knocked on the door and was promptly allowed access. Once inside I saw school age children ranging from 6 to 12 years old sitting on wooden benches that lined the first large open room. Continue reading ‘DREAM: Broken Windows and Hostages’
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