Archive for the 'Segments' Category

This Old House – A Hoarders Life Pt1

Published on March 23, 2011 in Mental Health, Relationships, Segments and Trust. 2 Comments

I wrote Senior a short letter and told him despite the fact that I’ve never said it, I appreciate him as a person and love him as a father figure. I told him I’m making changes out of concern for us all and that when I do I won’t toss his personal belongings away.

Do I think he needs to keep every single solitary flyer from every single solitary park he’s been to? Nope I don’t, but I didn’t throw them away. I picked them up off the floor and put them in a shoe box standing up. He can still see his flyers, they’re just not on the floor anymore.

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This Old House – A Hoarders Life Pt2

Published on March 23, 2011 in Mental Health, Relationships, Segments and Trust. 1 Comment

So far two people have asked if I’m getting paid to get and keep Senior’s house in order. No, I’m not getting money for this but I am getting paid in various ways.

I get free basic auto maintenance like oil changes, fluid refills and instillation of small parts like wiper blades and such. I don’t pay to have my brakes done or pay to have other work done that Junior can do for me. Either Senior or Junior clear my car of snow and warm it up during the winter. When the car breaks down and its something they can’t do Senior, without asking, offers up his credit card and allows me to make payments. When the pooch needs to go to the vet I’m allowed to take that off my rent and make payments on that. When I had surgery the other day it was Senior who called twice to wake me up so I could take the dog out. When I went out with a new girl he offered me a twenty spot for cab money so I could get back safely. I never asked for that but he offered it. And yeah, he stayed up until I got home. He takes no issue with me using alternative means to deal with Lupus and DJD pain.

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DREAM: Family Meeting 1 of 2

Published on August 15, 2009 in Dream Therapy, Dreams, Mental Health, Segments and Therapy. 1 Comment

The meeting took place in the kitchen of a house I don’t think I’ve ever been in. Everyone was stark naked, openly exposed as it were. I was dripping wet and toweled off as my mother made her announcement.  The mother called the meeting to let everyone know she’d had enough of her two daughters and was moving out. Two teenage boys (black, unknown) told the mother if she moved in with them they’d take care of her and wouldn’t abandon her needs like her daughters did. She said she was grateful but wanted to go live with an older lady until my sister and I got ourselves together enough to accept her back into the household. My sister excused herself and wasn’t seen again in the dream until the very end.

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DREAM: Family Meeting 2 of 2

Published on August 15, 2009 in Dream Therapy, Dreams, Mental Health, PTSD, Segments and Therapy. 0 Comments

The full dream is written here.

COMMENTARY:

Before I went to bed last night I thought, man I need a good hot meal and a nice glass of water. When I had bulimia-like issues so long ago it was only junk food I’d keep down. I’d binge heavily and keep it down faster than if I ate a healthy meal. If I ate a good meal I didn’t sweat for I’d almost immediately throw it up. I didn’t think I deserved good food I didn’t break my back or trade my body to get. In the dream when I lived with her I ate junk food but vowed to eat healthy when she left. I think in the dream instead of it being a symbol that I’d throw it up I was showing that I’d leave behind the idea that all I was worth was crap. I think my self worth attached to food was turned the right way. Junk food in excess is abusive to the body, healthy food helps you thrive. The dream started in the kitchen and pretty much kept the food theme through out.

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The Process of Self Injury P1

Published on July 22, 2009 in Abuse, Borderline Personality Disorder, Mental Health, PTSD and Segments. 5 Comments

Have you ever wondered what you get out of behaviors that are considered negative? Have you ever stood back and watched the process of these negative behaviors in order to understand what happens before, during and after? In doing so you may be able to better understand the motivation behind the behaviors as well as little clues into issues that may need to be processed thoroughly with a professional.

There are several behaviors I have where it was  necessary to take a step back and analyze my movements. I paid most attention to the steps that were pivotal and imperative to allow me to reach a desirable outcome. When it comes to cutting I’ve seen a pattern that I’d like to share. Before I do I need to note that this entry is not about the dangers of self harm nor is it meant to tell people they’re bad or wrong for cutting. The entry will not give an opinion on cutting but a more in depth look into my own process which leads to self injury. As you read it consider mapping your own steps before and after behaviors that are considered dangerous or unproductive.

For me, the whole process begins with a trigger. The trigger could be anything from feeling like a failure to fear of abandonment. I can be triggered to self harm if I feel embarrassed, belittled or completely overwhelmed by a problem that feels out of my control.  No matter what the trigger my process for self injury is the same. I’m going to do sort of an outline to show this process.

  1. The trigger
  2. Anxiety that leads to a plan– my anxiety level goes to an all time high. I can’t deal with the anxiety. It hurts. Obsessive thoughts of self injury take over and I need to calm them. Self harm feels like the best way to end these thoughts. I know I’ve done it before and it worked. All I have to do is cut and all this madness stops.
  3. Negative Self Talk - I beat myself up about wanting to cut, burn or scratch my skin.

This step here is important because it leads to the other steps. Beating myself up about wanting to cut lowers my self esteem, tanks it. If I didn’t degrade myself on top of the heavy emotions I already feel from the original trigger I may not be pushed over the edge. Without going over that edge I won’t cut. Negative self talk is important if I’m actually going to pick up that instrument and accomplish what I want to do. In this negative self talk I remind myself of how horrible I am for wanting to cut. I think about how disappointed others will be if they find out. I go on and on and on until I feel like filth. This step of beating and lowering my self esteem leads to justification. Continue reading ‘The Process of Self Injury P1′

The Process of Self Injury Pt 2

Published on July 22, 2009 in Abuse, Borderline Personality Disorder, Mental Health, PTSD and Segments. 5 Comments

Here’s what I’ve learned from observing my own process described in Part One.

Right off I noticed how much self talk is involved. I give myself the speech about how worthless I am in order to feel bad enough to cut. This negative self talk is important because without I’m not in the proper mindset to drag something sharp across my skin.

After it’s all said and done I give myself a pep talk and offer myself kindness in the form of forgiveness.  All the self talk I do, for or against motivates my actions. This tells me I have the ability to influence my  behavior based on what I tell myself about myself.

The long and short of it is this, I set up an environment of false control where I have control over breaking myself, shaming myself, showing myself compassion for my plight which leads to a self injury rescue, all to end with forgiveness and a plan to be a person worthy of my friends. I feel control over it all from start to finish.

Let me please address the issue of cutting alone for fear of victimizing others. Continue reading ‘The Process of Self Injury Pt 2′

Dream: Making Space and Surviving Pt1

Published on July 8, 2009 in Dissociative Identity Disorder, Dreams, PTSD and Segments. 0 Comments

The house in the dream was the one from the 4th grade, not a picnic let me tell ya. In the dream the house was on wheels but parked in the parking lot of where my mother use to work. Before I went inside the house to help everyone (the house was packed) I began to lay Bibles by each window so that people could see the persons who lived in that house were Christian and should not be considered a threat to them. After laying them around I went inside and began looking around the house. We still had all our stuff packed in boxes and bags which were piled high to the ceiling in some areas. As I looked around things began to disappear. I’d look to the left then the right, then back to the left. What was once there was gone so I moved boxes in that area to make more room for people to stand. I was trying to shift everything to one side so that we could free up the other as living quarters. Things kept disappearing so I kept moving and making it more comfortable for everyone.

The place was packed with people. Everyone stood really, really close to one another. There were adults and children, male and female packed from end to end in the house. Some held babies and some stood beside teens and younger ones. As I rearranged the boxes they could spread out a little more and be a little more comfortable. My mother watched me rearrange things. I barked orders at my sister who helped. The people didn’t, they just filled up spaces I created them.

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