Archive for the 'Segments' Category

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Dream Commentary: Making Space and Surviving Pt2

Published on July 8, 2009 in Dissociative Identity Disorder, Dreams, PTSD and Segments. 2 Comments

COMMENTARY:
That was one incredible dream, just incredible. Some of the things that stand out for me are the obvious connections to the house I live in now and the condition of the houses I lived in as a child. The filth is very much the same. The mice situation is out of hand like before as well. I was also struck by how I made the best of the situation and made space for these people to be more comfortable. My sister’s roll in the dream was submissive as in real life. My mother was inactive until the end of the dream where she was cold and unmoved by what she saw.

I figure these people in the house were insiders, alters created when needed.
I also think it’s interesting that instead of mice being caught in the traps specific animals not usually caught in a mouse trap lay there lingering. None of these animals were dead. They were in the traps suffering but not dead. Then a snake turned into a fish who instead of being returned to water was thrown in the garbage can to suffocate and die. The suffering was without cause. I didn’t want to see it but my mother called me back.

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DREAM: Broken Windows and Hostages

Published on January 23, 2009 in Abuse, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Dream Therapy, Dreams, PTSD, Segments, Therapy and Therapy Assignments. 0 Comments

The dream started out with me in the kitchen of a house I’ve never been in before. There was a huge crash which ended up being a rock that was tossed through the living room window. Although one rock was tossed three separate windows were broken. They were broken with the same fractures as if the rock was tossed the exact same way with the exact same speed and everything else precise two more times, right beside the first window. That is of course impossible.

I went outside to see what was going on. Just then a group of people walked up to me and said they were waiting for an ambulance and while they waited could they use my restroom. I looked at everyone to measure their distress level and decided to tell the spokesperson for the group that I wouldn’t be able to do that. Humiliated, embarrassed and ashamed that I had to turn them away, I pointed the group to a restaurant across the street. Of course they were upset (pissed if you will). I tried to explain to one person that I just couldn’t do it. I have obsessive compulsive disorder and I couldn’t let them use my restroom. He shook his head in understanding then left with the small crowd. I’m not sure where they went.

My sister then re-appeared in the dream and told me there was some big to-do at the small cottage in the backyard. I went back there, knocked on the door and was promptly allowed access. Once inside I saw school age children ranging from 6 to 12 years old sitting on wooden benches that lined the first large open room. Continue reading ‘DREAM: Broken Windows and Hostages’

DREAM Commentary: Broken Windows and Hostages

Published on January 23, 2009 in Abuse, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Dream Therapy, Dreams, PTSD, Segments, Therapy and Therapy Assignments. 0 Comments

The full dream is written out here.

DREAM COMMENTARY:

Three small windows side by side all broken in the same spot with the very same fracture. Symbolic to say the least. I’m going to go as far as to say the windows represent me, my mother and my sister. We were all victims at one point in our life. The offenders were family, the rock. They hurt us to the core, dead smack in the middle.

I’m going to say the hostage was both my sister and myself. The first hostage who laughed at the aggressor was me. The trusting hostage who “gave ammunition” was my sister. My response to the torture of the trusting hostage was to identify with the aggressor. I didn’t blame the aggressor for torturing the hostage. I blamed the hostage for putting herself in a position that let the aggressor torture her with more ammunition. I put fault on the victim instead of the aggressor. This is exactly how I related to my sister concerning her responses to my mother. This is called “identifying with the aggressor.”

It is also possible that the hostage is but one person, me. There were times I needed my mother’s trust and understanding. There were times I felt tricked into revealing too much information which she later used to mock me. I kicked myself for being so stupid as to let my guard down. Continue reading ‘DREAM Commentary: Broken Windows and Hostages’

High Maintenance in Perspective

Published on January 5, 2009 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, PTSD and Segments. 2 Comments Tags: .

There has been a lot of inner turmoil and very little self affirmation lately. I think I’m going to write a short list of things I know how to do so as to remind myself that I’m not always a high maintenance flake. I will list the 5 hardships that I’ve placed upon myself in the last week or so followed by 5 affirmations.

Hardships

  1. I forget my words, get lost easily and can’t seem to hold a thought in my head. I’ve been very dissociated and forgetful. I can’t keep up with the days or the hour. I feel like I’m walking around in a daze. I feel stupid and incompetent.
  2. I’ve been very sensitive with friends. I take everything personally right now.
  3. I seem to think everything is my fault. I believe with Borderline Personality Disorder it’s called fragmenting. So-in-so keeps calling. There’s something about me which draws the needy. The people in the store were acting stupid. What did I do to cause this? I joked and they took their joking too far but this is my fault because maybe I didn’t set proper boundaries in the beginning. I thought my roommate was ignoring me when I spoke to him. He’s angry with me. No, he was distracted by a game. I’ve been fragmenting all over the place. Continue reading ‘High Maintenance in Perspective’

Commentary – High Maintenance in Perspective

Published on January 5, 2009 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, PTSD and Segments. 0 Comments

After reading the first five self complaints I thought to myself how silly most sound. I know why I’m fragmenting and splitting. It wasn’t long ago that my mother showed up. Then I wasn’t sure if she was going to come back on New Years Eve. She knows I don’t celebrate the holidays so the best time to assure I’ll be home is a holiday. That’s why she shows up then. When New Years Eve rolled around I worried she’d show up again. She didn’t but I sat around waiting for the other shoe to fall. While waiting I fell back into the type of thinking expected and normal for a child. I thought, if something good happens it’s because I’m good. If something bad happens it’s because I’m bad. Everything bad is my fault. If I did something right then there was fleeting joy because someone would find out I’m mostly bad.

My thinking got really screwed up. I kept thinking everyone was angry with me or that people thought I was angry with them and if so what did I do to make them think that. It’s been hard not to ask people, “Are you made at me?” I’m just happy I can catch myself in the mindset before I begged for forgiveness for breathing their pure air into my less than deserving lungs.

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Dream: Three Families and Trust Commentary

Published on October 6, 2008 in Dreams, PTSD and Segments. 1 Comment

DREAM COMMENTARY:

First let me say, I have no idea what the whole “follow your nose to Texas” means. People from Tyler, Texas do not smell like red clay earth. Sorry for any offense to my fellow Texans.  Moving on, I think it’s interesting that the young boy had a flashback right there in the dream and I got to see what happened to him to make him so disturbed. This dream has a lot of different pieces taken from real life experiences so it’ll be hard to tear it apart piece by piece. The only thing I can say is someone did try and test my boundaries in a way that was not appropriate, I did sleep in the car with my mother as a child, I did have needles in my feet at a child and I only gave hugs when forced to. I know the red headed children in that dream from a long time ago.

I think it’s interesting that in the dream when we left in the middle of the night I had bags but my sister had nothing. I was prepared but she was not. She gave in to the family (hugs) but I was known as a rebellious cold hearted child. I walked in front of her, she followed. Continue reading ‘Dream: Three Families and Trust Commentary’

DREAM: Trust Love and Forgiveness Pt1-3

Published on October 3, 2008 in Dream Therapy, Dreams, Segments, Therapy and Therapy Assignments. 0 Comments

This is a three part entry with two dreams and one re-write.

Dream One

A few days ago I had a dream that I was back in the 10th grade house only as an adult. My sister and I were in bed together in the mother’s room waiting for someone who loved her to come and discover her. They’d known each other, he thought he lost her but was going to come to the house to discuss this loss with me. The sister was going to surprise him when he walked in the bedroom. As we lay there I heard rustling outside. After investigating it became clear to me two men were going to break in. The man in the get away car told the other criminal not to harm us but to find out what we know then leave. I attempted to warn my sister of the danger but instead of heading it she went to the door to see what the man wanted. He pushed his way in and over took her. I ran to the back and climbed out the window of the mother’s bedroom. It was pitch black out there except for back porch lights. The field was full of lions and wolves waiting for me to let my guard down so they could pounce. Continue reading ‘DREAM: Trust Love and Forgiveness Pt1-3′