My personal word for the day is resilience.
Resilience: the power or ability to return to the original form, position, etc., after being bent, compressed, or stretched; elasticity.
Power and ability stand out for me in this definition as does returning to the original state of being. I don’t mean I need to return to being one person because I don’t know what that means. I told someone the other day that while I wish for integration it’s much like someone who feels the grass is greener on the other side. Heck, I may get over there (in the world of singletons) and think, “Get me out of here! I don’t like this shade of green!” The original form I’m talking about is the person I was born to be. That person still exists but is hard pressed to breathe under all this gunk. I need to get her unearthed and let her live in today, let her stand up from her bent (but unbroken) position.
The best way for me to be resilient is to practice my coping skills and make them a part of my life, not just words on a piece of paper. I also need to let myself grow and make opportunities for personal growth.
Resilience is my word for the day and my goal for the day.
fma
I heard so many one line commands about who I shouldn’t trust but you never told me when its okay to trust.
Never trust a man when he tells you he loves you. He just wants to sleep with you.
Never trust anyone who says “trust me.”
When is it okay to believe a man who says “I love you?” Exactly when is it okay to trust at all? Please tell me, how did you summate the trustworthiness of a complete gender into one single sentence?
Continue reading ‘When Can I Trust That I Am Loved?’
My therapist and I discussed the theory of Basic Trust as explained by Erik Erikson. Erikson says that a child learns trust from his caregivers. He trusts that when he’s held he won’t be dropped. He trusts when he’s hungry he’ll be fed, comforted when he’s ill and have his needs cared for. This foundation of trust if healthy can lead to a healthy trust and outlook of the world. We take trust lessons from very early on and apply what we’ve learned to the world around us. Dr. D remarked that when my mother violated me she also damaged my Basic Trust which I then took into the world and based everything on these early lessons.
What I took from our conversation was that the earlier we treat our children with care and concern the better. From infancy we start to learn and we take those lessons with us out into the world. I can say with certainty, everything I know about mistrust I learned from my mother.
Continue reading ‘Basic Trust’
***comments are off***
I was on my way home from therapy and in decent shape. I wasn’t overly dissociative nor was I overly stressed so I figured I’d stop off at DAV because after all it was dollar Monday. I wondered what sort of treasures I might find. Since I forgot my wallet at home I abandoned my treasure hunt and headed straight home. Before I could get home I’d have to cross the railroad tracks. I could see up ahead the red lights flashing warning of a coming train so I slowed my speed appropriately. I was breathing slowly, almost in a content sort of way. Normally one would desire that but in no way were my thoughts peaceful or joyful. I pulled off to the side in the parking lot of a paint supply store and got out of the car. I lit a cigarette and let the train pass by. After it was no where in sight I got back in my car and went home, alive.
Continue reading ‘On The Railraod Tracks’
I’m not sure why it makes me sad but it does. I’ve seen her several times and had lunch with her a few times at the University. I guess to get a letter from her via email today was more moving than I expected it to be. I literally brought me to tears.
Today I slept through therapy. I went to bed earlier than usual but wasn’t able to sleep due to extreme pain. I finally fell asleep around 9am and slept until 4:45PM. I woke when the phone rang. It was a friend calling to tell me she missed me a lot and that she loves me. She said she’d been thinking about me. It was hard to hear anyone’s voice at all because I just woke from a bad dream. I called my therapist to tell him I was sorry I missed my appointment. He wasn’t available. I’ll see him on Monday.
Continue reading ‘I remember too’
This is called Three Stars and is far from finished. I still feel like I’m in a creative slump so I’m careful to stop and scan before each major step which is why she’s shown with a white background then one with more color.
(Oil pastel, ink)
Continue reading ‘Creating with Low Self Esteem’
First off let me apologize to my Korean friends and my Australian friends. I can’t apologize for things said about American’s because they’re true. Keep in mind, this is a dream. I have no control over my dream content. If you don’t believe that please see the dream I just had about a fish lounging in my Lazy Boy and freaking out the cat.
Okay so, here goes.
Continue reading ‘DREAM: Gone Postal’
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