I’m not sure why it makes me sad but it does. I’ve seen her several times and had lunch with her a few times at the University. I guess to get a letter from her via email today was more moving than I expected it to be. I literally brought me to tears.
Today I slept through therapy. I went to bed earlier than usual but wasn’t able to sleep due to extreme pain. I finally fell asleep around 9am and slept until 4:45PM. I woke when the phone rang. It was a friend calling to tell me she missed me a lot and that she loves me. She said she’d been thinking about me. It was hard to hear anyone’s voice at all because I just woke from a bad dream. I called my therapist to tell him I was sorry I missed my appointment. He wasn’t available. I’ll see him on Monday.
Continue reading ‘I remember too’
First off let me apologize to my Korean friends and my Australian friends. I can’t apologize for things said about American’s because they’re true. Keep in mind, this is a dream. I have no control over my dream content. If you don’t believe that please see the dream I just had about a fish lounging in my Lazy Boy and freaking out the cat.
Okay so, here goes.
Continue reading ‘DREAM: Gone Postal’
(If you happen to read this feel free to giggle at will)
I purchased a fancy goldfish from a local pet store and put it in a 20 gallon aquarium alone. At first it did just fine but then it started jumping out of the aquarium and onto the table where the aquarium sat. I’d hurry and put him back in but a few hours later I’d find him out again. Each time I found him he was significantly larger than before. He’d gotten so large that it began to kind of freak me out to pick him up and put him back in the aquarium.
One time this fish named Leon attached himself to the ceiling and hung out for a bit before maneuvering himself back in his aquatic home. Another time he sat on the branch of a silk tree and watched Bella who was on another branch. Bell wasn’t sure what to think of this over-sized fish so she just sat there until he squirmed away and went back home.
Continue reading ‘DREAM: Goldfish Out of Water’
The full dream can be found here.
COMMENTARY:
The fish is me. I see dissociation in this dream (me on the ceiling watching myself and my world). I also see me growing past certain spaces in my life. I think I was actively looking for a spot I fit in comfortably. The gender change is a common theme in my dreams and something Dr. D and I have discussed in the last few sessions. I still have a hard time with feeling as if people are trying to take my female identity. This stems from the sexual abuse by my mother and sister where I was forced to be the “husband” who either held or “made love” to his “wife.” For the most part that was my sister who put me in the husband’s role. My mother simply had me be a guy and refused me the natural right to feel like a girl. I still struggle with feeling as if my identity is in harms way.
Continue reading ‘DREAM COMMENTARY: Goldfish Out of Water’
Dr. D said my unconscious mind is process a lot right now. Right now my dreams are shorter and to the point. A few of them are long and twisting which is normal for me but those have been few and far between. Recently the main theme of my dreams has been vindication and self protection. On one level I’m pleased to see my dreams aren’t always about me being hurt in some way but on the other hand I’m still exhausted when I wake. I still feel as if I’ve run a marathon but didn’t cross the finish line. If feels as if when I go back to sleep I’ll start at the beginning and exhaust myself, the next night I’ll do the same thing, on and on an on never reaching the finish line of rest and rejuvenation which sleep is supposed to bring. Whether it’s nightmares of “positive” processing I still feel worn out!
Note: In this dream I lived in the house form the 4th grade, however, like in most of my dreams I was an adult. My mother stays the same age in my dreams as does my brother. The brother stays 3 years old and the mother stays around 35 years old. My sister ages as do I which means in this dream I was thirty-eight.
Continue reading ‘Processing Dreams and Running Marathons’
This dream is absolutely significant because in it I established myself not only as a woman but as a lesbian.
My mother HATES women more than she hates men. I was told growing up just how horrible women are. She told me women are backbiters and angry bitches who will do their best to tear you down. She said we are untrustworthy and are used by men who only want to have sex with us. Once men “get a hold” of you and “get inside you” you belong to them. You can never “get them out” of you. She said sex with men made you a defiled whore. Most of what I heard about women was worse than what I heard about men. Never in our conversations did she tell me that I could be different from the women she described. Nope, I was pretty much given in detail the kind of person I was going to be simply because I was born female. Trust me when I tell you it wears on the psyche and causes even more turmoil for a person trying to find herself. Everyone goes through the stage of life where they try to figure out who they are as a person then who they are as a man or woman. Add in the horrible description of both sexes and it makes self discovery a greater task than climbing Mount Everest.
Continue reading ‘Dreams Mothers and Sexuality’
For I don’t know how long I’ve had horrible nightmares every single night. I woke up more tired than when I went to bed. Last night was different though, I got real rest last night. The dreams I had were pretty good too. I had a dream about art supplies. There were watercolor pencils and oil paints everywhere. There was a host of brushes with purple acrylic handles and pink acrylic handles. I walked around my living room dazed. I touched each and every pencil, each tube and each brush tip. I was nearly giddy at one point.
I feel as if I’ve gotten away with something. I went to bed, slept and woke up refreshed and without a subconscious beat down aka nightmares. I should go buy a lottery ticket! I don’t know how I got away with it but I did. I won’t to sit and think about why. I won’t sit around and wait for the other shoe to fall as if I don’t trust that good things can happen to me . Nope, I’m just going to take my blessing and go on.
About the dream itself:
Continue reading ‘A Night at Hobby Lobby’
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