I ran into a journal entry called Love List on the blog MotherLovely. For those of us with serious mother issues read the title again. It does NOT say motherly love, it says mother lovely. Anywhooo, the entry talks about looking around your house and noting things you love about your home. I like her idea for a number of reasons but for my purposes I’d like to change the angle a little bit and direct it to PTSD. She listed things in her home that she loves but I’d like to list things in my home that make me feel safe, secure, comforted and grounded.
Archive for the 'Letters Home' Category
It’s that time again. I turn 20 years free this year.
For this Independence Day I’m going to go to an aquarium exhibit as well as check out a few sales at Hobby Lobby and Micheal’s. Then on Friday I’m going to an art opening by an artist who is taking part in the Fringe Festival here in town.
Each year I have the same breakfast I had when I left home. Since I left and went to a hotel I ate there and had a breakfast of waffles, peaches and whipped cream. Lunch was quiche and salmon. I don’t quite remember what I did for dinner. I don’t know why but I don’t remember, anyway though, the other two meals are part of my Independence Day tradition.
This entry is a follow up to the pink dryer entry . This handwritten entry goes into detail about how difficult it was to feel as if I belonged anywhere or was seen as anything but an object of derision.
The very first art piece shows a three headed child with the caption, “You can be anyone except who you really are.” This art therapy piece will make more sense if the pages are read concerning being black and how I was told to be an example for others. The example I was to set was insane and rather stupid thus the title, Black for Dummies.
My therapist and I spent a good amount of time talking how during this writing I stumbled upon the understanding that my sister should not be seen as weak for how she handled the abuse. Continue reading ‘Black for Dummies’
This handwritten journal entry came about when I discovered why I’d been so triggered lately. About a year ago I got dreadlocks, then I discovered its not as easy a hair style at I thought it would be. I have to twist and re-twist as well as sit under my GE tabletop dryer to speed the take of the lock. Doing this reminded me of all the times my mother took me to the hair dresser. I wish I could say it was a pleasant memory but it wasn’t. In order to deal with the triggers I drew a picture of me sitting under the dryer. I did this WHILE I was under the dryer which means I was drawing myself drying my hair.
One of the things about the picture is that the dryer is shown as pink. It’s not. It’s a tabletop GE Dryer in white like the photo shows.
The very first thing I do when there’s a new relationship is think to myself: how can I get out of this? Where is my exit?
I need to feel in control by serving. That sounds so strange but really, if I provide everything….food, comfort, clean clothing, a clean house, affection, etc, etc am I not in control? It’s also a set up because when things go south trust me, you’ll hear about how I did everything and got treated like shit. I cooked, cleaned, kept that house running and still got treated like shit. It’s a set up. I’m telling you, I’m not the person to go out with. I go in looking for a way out and I go in setting you up to fail!
At this time I’m not capable of truly loving you but I am capable of being co-dependent.
Self Love: An Opinion – Monday, November 28, 2011-2:46pm EST
I got a letter today from Grace who spoke of the elusive act of self love. She commented that everything and everyone is taken care of BEFORE she has her own needs met. This is common, I know. Mothers do it a lot, friends do it, teachers and everyone else. This is where my opinion on the matter comes in. I think part of the reason we do it has to do with running from ourselves. If I keep moving, keep doing for others then I move right past my own empty feelings and need for nurturing and care.
Usually Joan is the one to manage paper work and things like that but since she’s not around someone else had to do it. One of the good things about having jobs is that when a certain task comes up everyone knows who is going to do what. If it’s a public matter such as answering the phone, driving, filling out paperwork and stuff like that then we know Joan will handle it. If there’s a physical threat or a really hard decision to make then Morton handles it. If we have a job then we know what is expected of us and we know what to expect from others. When one person is absent from work then someone, anyone has to make up for the slack. Right now we have no idea who is able to handle the slack when Joan doesn’t show up for work. It seems random who will pick up the slack so to speak.
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