Archive for the 'Therapy Assignments' Category

Watercolor and Oil

Published on November 25, 2009 in Art, Dream Therapy, Dreams, PTSD, Therapy and Therapy Assignments. 2 Comments

Trees on Cloth, watercolor, oilThis is from the dream about my sister and the rapper guy who turned into a girl. I say the dream was about my sister because one of the things that stuck out for me was that I felt she again failed to act to protect herself or me. She wasn’t there for me. I realize how let down and even cheated I feel by not having her even attempt to be the stereotypical big sister. In my heart I know she just didn’t have it in her but there’s another part of me that is angry and resentful of the fact that it was the youngest in the family who fought her battles (and lost them) instead of her. I think the fact that I was there for her so often makes it even harder to swallow that she can’t stand the ground I walk on and never could. That too has a “but” because I know my mother made sure we didn’t become friends. The other “but” is….it still hurts.

In the dream the rapper girl and I were encouraged to fight. People wanted to see us go at one another for their own pleasure. They didn’t care who won they just wanted to see a fight. It was about the show not the issue of feeling like I’d ignored her. Once she and I decided we didn’t care what the others wanted us to do we tried to come to some sort of agreement. That’s when a character popped in and promised things he couldn’t deliver. I was only slightly hopeful but still hopeful that I’d get this paradise I wished for. When I asked for peace of mind too and didn’t get it I knew the guy was a fake.

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Choices, Should and Lashing Out

Published on September 3, 2009 in Abuse, Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Grief Sadness Loss, Letters Home, PTSD, Relationships and Therapy Assignments. 3 Comments

In therapy Wednesday Dr. D and I talked about the entry where I wrote a letter to my biological father expressing feelings of abandonment and rejection. We talked about my questions concerning how much sexual abuse would have taken place had he stayed. I then dismissed that statement because my mother had two boyfriends the entire time I was growing up, it’s just that she preferred her two daughters.

We talked about how my mother made sure we didn’t see him and how she taunted us with it. One time at a restaurant she told us to keep looking at her and listen to her. She wanted to distract my sister and myself with idle chit chat. Then she stopped and said, “That was your father that just walked by.” She giggled as we broke our necks to get a glimpse of him. (I hope you choke on your chicken, I thought.)

Dr. D wanted to know what it would be like if I took my father up on his offer to have a relationship. I was rather blunt with my answer. It would be odd to sit across from a man who knows I too slept with his wife, I being his daughter. Could he even look me in the eye if he found out? Would he blame me? Would he call it rape or would he just be so disgusted he couldn’t even look at me?

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Dream Notes: Cats, Kittens, Deformity

Published on January 25, 2009 in Abuse, Dream Therapy, Dreams, PTSD, Therapy and Therapy Assignments. 0 Comments

A recurrent theme in my dreams is cats multiplying or deformed cats. To try and better understand the presence of cats in my dreams I decided to do a bit of research. What I understand a bit better is how much I struggle with powerlessness and individuality. I often felt I didn’t have a choice or that I didn’t exist without my mother.

I know in general the cats represent me but I was uncertain if there was more to the deformation of the newborns. I found only one reference that comes close to my experiences. The Curious Dreamer gave several options for what deformed kittens/puppies may mean but this here seems most appropriate for me:

Deformity: Feeling affected in the area symbolized by the deformed body part (such as a deformed foot representing the feeling less able to make progress in your life)
Kittens/Puppies: Your inner child, playfulness, self-responsibility. The need to take more time for yourself, have more fun, and nurture yourself and your sense of play more. Dreaming of this animal can represent: Someone or something in your real life with whom you associate one of these qualities (an event, situation, threat, etc.)

When I dream about deformed newborns the mother gives birth then the newborn multiplies. She gives birth again and that baby multiplies. It splits into another, so on and so forth until there are sometimes hundreds of deformed kittens lying outside in the grass at night. They’re usually on the lawn of the house I lived in during the fourth grade. Most disturbing for me are the faceless kittens. The faceless newborns usually have no body; they’re just a faceless head lying in the grass. Continue reading ‘Dream Notes: Cats, Kittens, Deformity’

DREAM: Broken Windows and Hostages

Published on January 23, 2009 in Abuse, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Dream Therapy, Dreams, PTSD, Segments, Therapy and Therapy Assignments. 0 Comments

The dream started out with me in the kitchen of a house I’ve never been in before. There was a huge crash which ended up being a rock that was tossed through the living room window. Although one rock was tossed three separate windows were broken. They were broken with the same fractures as if the rock was tossed the exact same way with the exact same speed and everything else precise two more times, right beside the first window. That is of course impossible.

I went outside to see what was going on. Just then a group of people walked up to me and said they were waiting for an ambulance and while they waited could they use my restroom. I looked at everyone to measure their distress level and decided to tell the spokesperson for the group that I wouldn’t be able to do that. Humiliated, embarrassed and ashamed that I had to turn them away, I pointed the group to a restaurant across the street. Of course they were upset (pissed if you will). I tried to explain to one person that I just couldn’t do it. I have obsessive compulsive disorder and I couldn’t let them use my restroom. He shook his head in understanding then left with the small crowd. I’m not sure where they went.

My sister then re-appeared in the dream and told me there was some big to-do at the small cottage in the backyard. I went back there, knocked on the door and was promptly allowed access. Once inside I saw school age children ranging from 6 to 12 years old sitting on wooden benches that lined the first large open room. Continue reading ‘DREAM: Broken Windows and Hostages’

DREAM Commentary: Broken Windows and Hostages

Published on January 23, 2009 in Abuse, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Dream Therapy, Dreams, PTSD, Segments, Therapy and Therapy Assignments. 0 Comments

The full dream is written out here.

DREAM COMMENTARY:

Three small windows side by side all broken in the same spot with the very same fracture. Symbolic to say the least. I’m going to go as far as to say the windows represent me, my mother and my sister. We were all victims at one point in our life. The offenders were family, the rock. They hurt us to the core, dead smack in the middle.

I’m going to say the hostage was both my sister and myself. The first hostage who laughed at the aggressor was me. The trusting hostage who “gave ammunition” was my sister. My response to the torture of the trusting hostage was to identify with the aggressor. I didn’t blame the aggressor for torturing the hostage. I blamed the hostage for putting herself in a position that let the aggressor torture her with more ammunition. I put fault on the victim instead of the aggressor. This is exactly how I related to my sister concerning her responses to my mother. This is called “identifying with the aggressor.”

It is also possible that the hostage is but one person, me. There were times I needed my mother’s trust and understanding. There were times I felt tricked into revealing too much information which she later used to mock me. I kicked myself for being so stupid as to let my guard down. Continue reading ‘DREAM Commentary: Broken Windows and Hostages’

DREAM: Trust Love and Forgiveness Pt1-3

Published on October 3, 2008 in Dream Therapy, Dreams, Segments, Therapy and Therapy Assignments. 0 Comments

This is a three part entry with two dreams and one re-write.

Dream One

A few days ago I had a dream that I was back in the 10th grade house only as an adult. My sister and I were in bed together in the mother’s room waiting for someone who loved her to come and discover her. They’d known each other, he thought he lost her but was going to come to the house to discuss this loss with me. The sister was going to surprise him when he walked in the bedroom. As we lay there I heard rustling outside. After investigating it became clear to me two men were going to break in. The man in the get away car told the other criminal not to harm us but to find out what we know then leave. I attempted to warn my sister of the danger but instead of heading it she went to the door to see what the man wanted. He pushed his way in and over took her. I ran to the back and climbed out the window of the mother’s bedroom. It was pitch black out there except for back porch lights. The field was full of lions and wolves waiting for me to let my guard down so they could pounce. Continue reading ‘DREAM: Trust Love and Forgiveness Pt1-3′

DREAM: Trust Love and Forgiveness Pt2-3

Published on October 3, 2008 in Dream Therapy, Dreams, Segments, Therapy and Therapy Assignments. 0 Comments

Dream Two

This dream is from this morning. I was riding in the backseat of a car trying to convince some Islamic people not to hang a man who had shown disrespect to their people. He too was Islamic but he was disrespectful and was going to be hanged. I reached over to hand a man something, I don’t remember what it was, and my hand accidentally touched his. He was furious and felt disrespected. He said I too would be hanged. I lowered my eyes and asked him for forgiveness and explained that I didn’t intend to touch a married man and I had no intentions of being disrespectful. He didn’t care. He told the driver to hurry up because they were going to hang me too. At this point I looked up at him and said, “What ever happened to forgiveness? Don’t you forgive?” I asked if he had a Messiah or if there was some kind of belief they held that would cover this sin against him. I don’t remember if he answered or not. We pulled up to the site where a man had already been put to death. The two of us were forced out of the vehicle. The driver turned the radio off which had been playing the song “Bruised But Not Broken” by Joss Stone.

“Been alot that I’ve been through
I cried a tear a time or two
Baby, you know I cried some over you, yeah
Had my heart kicked to the ground
Love ripped me up and tore me down, baby
But that ain’t enough to break
‘Cause I’ll rise above it
And I’ll pick myself up
And I’ll dust the pain off of my heart Continue reading ‘DREAM: Trust Love and Forgiveness Pt2-3′