This is a three part entry with two dreams and one re-write.
Dream One
A few days ago I had a dream that I was back in the 10th grade house only as an adult. My sister and I were in bed together in the mother’s room waiting for someone who loved her to come and discover her. They’d known each other, he thought he lost her but was going to come to the house to discuss this loss with me. The sister was going to surprise him when he walked in the bedroom. As we lay there I heard rustling outside. After investigating it became clear to me two men were going to break in. The man in the get away car told the other criminal not to harm us but to find out what we know then leave. I attempted to warn my sister of the danger but instead of heading it she went to the door to see what the man wanted. He pushed his way in and over took her. I ran to the back and climbed out the window of the mother’s bedroom. It was pitch black out there except for back porch lights. The field was full of lions and wolves waiting for me to let my guard down so they could pounce.
Continue reading ‘DREAM: Trust Love and Forgiveness Pt1-3′
Dream Two
This dream is from this morning. I was riding in the backseat of a car trying to convince some Islamic people not to hang a man who had shown disrespect to their people. He too was Islamic but he was disrespectful and was going to be hanged. I reached over to hand a man something, I don’t remember what it was, and my hand accidentally touched his. He was furious and felt disrespected. He said I too would be hanged. I lowered my eyes and asked him for forgiveness and explained that I didn’t intend to touch a married man and I had no intentions of being disrespectful. He didn’t care. He told the driver to hurry up because they were going to hang me too. At this point I looked up at him and said, “What ever happened to forgiveness? Don’t you forgive?” I asked if he had a Messiah or if there was some kind of belief they held that would cover this sin against him. I don’t remember if he answered or not. We pulled up to the site where a man had already been put to death. The two of us were forced out of the vehicle. The driver turned the radio off which had been playing the song “Bruised But Not Broken” by Joss Stone.
“Been alot that I’ve been through
I cried a tear a time or two
Baby, you know I cried some over you, yeah
Had my heart kicked to the ground
Love ripped me up and tore me down, baby
But that ain’t enough to break
‘Cause I’ll rise above it
And I’ll pick myself up
And I’ll dust the pain off of my heart
Continue reading ‘DREAM: Trust Love and Forgiveness Pt2-3′
(as part of dream therapy you re-write the dream for an ending that you can live with or where you are the victor instead of the victim.)
My sister and I are sleeping in separate rooms when I hear a burglar at the door. I run to wake my sister who is sleeping as she always does, like an letter in an envelope. Her blankets are straight, folded very neatly at the top and nothing is out of order. She’s sleeping like a picture perfect princess. I giggle and think to myself, “How on earth does she sleep like that?” then I shake her to let her know we have to get out of the house. She jumps to her feet, throws the covers back to their original position. I notice the bed looks as if she never slept in it at all. I shake my head and we run to her window and climb out together. The sister who will be called Mia is down below telling me to jump and hurry because she thinks they’re already in the house. I’m afraid of heights and have always been but I know jumping is necessary. At the bottom Mia and I run into the field knowing full well we’ll have to fight off lions and wolves. Mia heads in first and tells me to stay close behind her. We’re going to the highway then into the city for help. As we pass through the field we don’t see any danger but we know it’s all around us. Several houses have a porch light but Mia senses they won’t help so we keep going. A lady approaches us and says she’ll take us only as far as the highway. Again sensing danger Mia denies assistance and takes us through the dark, overgrown field.
Despite sleeping her hair is perfect, her pink nightgown is without wrinkles and there’s not a drop of sweat on her.
Continue reading ‘DREAM: Trust Love and Forgiveness Re-write’
I decided to use to Dictionary.com “word of the day” items for a short entry.
Slugabed - slugabed \SLUHG-uh-bed\, noun:
One who stays in bed until a late hour; a sluggard.
–noun a lazy person who stays in bed long after the usual time for arising.
Donnybrook don·ny·brook –noun (often initial capital letter
) an inordinately wild fight or contentious dispute; brawl; free-for-all.
After an internal donnybrook concerning insecurities and personal value I was totally exhausted. The brawl was fierce requiring several hours to heal from self inflicted blows. The long nap is not the actions of a slugabed but the actions of one very tired and conflicted survivor.
Austin
As far as today goes, today went pretty well. I’ve had a good few days in a row now. I got to talk to a friend of mine on the phone. I saw Chi then came home where Maureen made dinner for my two roommates. Fife Sr.’s daughter has a farm so when he came back from his visit he brought a bunch of fresh veggies and stuff. “I” went ahead and made some garlic bread then made homemade meat sauce over spaghetti. It was pretty darn good. Gosh it’s nice to see Maureen around again. After that I retired to my porch with the girl (that would be Ladybird) for a cup of coffee. I can’t complain about how the day has gone.My concern however is how I’ll do on the first. Captain would have been nine years old October 1st.
It breaks my heart. I miss my boy. I’m happy I have therapy on his birthday. I’m angry enough to throw things…. not just sad but angry that he’s gone. I like Ladybird, I really do. She likes to snuggle and hug and stuff and she’s doing really well with her training. But I miss my boy… I miss my boy.
Part of me thinks I killed my dog but another part chimes up with, “my gosh you had to put him down. you had to. what else could you do?”
Continue reading ‘Should Have Been 9′
I saw the new pdoc who is actually a nurse practitioner. I sort of grilled her about her experience with psych meds. I asked not just what meds she knows but what meds she’s seen make a difference in the lives of her clients. We talked about prescription Lyrica for the fybro. Right now we’re keeping all meds as they are. During the session she asked the basics. Have you ever been abused, is there a history of addiction in your family, blah, blah, blah, etc, etc. She then asked if I’m in a relationship. I said yes but it’s brand spanking new. She asked if the person is a man or woman. When I answered she paused then said, “Um, how long have you been gay?” I laughed and said, “About as long as I’ve been black.” It was a nice icebreaker. She and I laughed about it. She said it was a stupid question but I thought it was kinda funny.
We then moved into a bit about the mother. She just shook her head like most do in total disgust. At the end she said, “Now, lets discuss your fee.” I about fell over. I know I changed 6 colours when she said that. I said, “Um, fee? I was under the impression this was pro-bono. That’s what the secretary said; this is pro-bono for right now.” She said it wasn’t and could I pay anything at all. I said, no, I don’t have anything to give you. I have three dollars and you can’t have it. I immediately thought to myself, “I could always do like people do at a restaurant. I wouldn’t dine and dash but psych and dash.” She then asked if I’d be willing to trade artwork or crafts as payment. I’m sure I didn’t show it but I was livid. This is the thing, I’ve bartered with my artwork for a lot of different things. I’ve bartered for furniture, DVD’s, work on my computer and a host of other things but I WILL NEVER trade art for therapy. Hell I’ve sold art therapy sketches before but I will not trade my art for psych services. I’d rather get a bill for that $100 session than to hand her a hundred bucks worth of prints or a few dolls. Forget that. It’s not going to happen. I thought all of that but I never said anything. I just looked at her in total disbelief.
Continue reading ‘This Is My Heart and Soul’
This is quick update to say the clinic may have been wrong about when to expect the pups. Her milk has dropped. So far no mucus or anything like that but I think seeing pups sooner than the end of October is a real possibility. I’ve prepared a place for her in the bedroom with clean sheets that shall never, ever be used again. The girls will be moved to the living room area away from Ladybird while she has the pups as well as for a few weeks after. I think Grace the Great Annoyer will be fine with the pups but Bella the Destroyer might see them as mice so it’s best to keep them apart for a bit especially when they’re brand spanking new.
Continue reading ‘Ladybird Update and Other’
It was all around a good day. There was nothing spectacular that happened. I didn’t win the lottery or anything like that but I feel good.
Usually when I get up I hit the ground running. I’m moving here and there, getting things done. This morning was no different. I think Sunday may be the busiest day of week because it’s the day I prepare for the rest of the week. I think it may also be one of the most stressful days because it’s the start of a new therapy week. Before I go into that let me just say after three loads of laundry, a little bit of cooking and a short trip out I was ready for a nap. This is when I smiled inside.
Continue reading ‘Contentment’
My goodness, she was hard but fun. I can’t wait to do the next one and the next one. This is actually the 4th doll I’ve ever made but there will be more.
In addition to moving from sock dolls to 28 inch rag dolls I’ve also come to see sewing as a great form of relaxation. I like the repetitive stitching. Since I most need relaxation in the evening time I snuggle up in my little Lazy Boy and have at it. I may toss on music or just sit with my fur babies around me and sew until my heart is content.
Continue reading ‘Charlene - Moving Through and Forward’
Each month I 
buy myself something small. I usually get it from the dollar store or a garage sale. I don’t spend much on it but I want to be able to treat myself to something just for me. This month I found something I’ve wanted for a very long time. I got a water fountain/ bird feeder.
As you can see, she has bumps and dents but in my opinion it makes her even more beautiful. There are some, however, that I intend to mend especially the one at her feet. What’s on her shoulder in the photo you say? Well, I needed a good background for a leaf pendant I have up in my Etsy shop. So I put it on her shoulder and took the photo. That’s when I realized this isn’t just a great fixer-upper it’s a great piece for photography as well as other artwork.
Continue reading ‘A Little Gift for Sparrows’
survivors
Multiple Personality Disorder
women
Sexual abuse
COMMENT POLICY
There are no implied rights to posting a comment. Free speech means you can say what you feel you need to say without the GOVERNMENT coming down on you, not me. If you decide to be an insensitive idiot your comment will be deleted and you will be dismissed and ignored. There is no Comment Constitution out there saying Blog Owners must uphold the First Comment Amendment and they can’t delete or moderate words. I delete stuff off my blog all the time because there are a plethora of idiots out there and they seem to flock to my blog making moderation necessary.
Idiots are everywhere. We must protect ourselves from them. See the Welcome Page for more details.
Click here for the GENERAL COMMENT and GUESTBOOK hub.