One would think I’d be use to this by now but I’m not. I’ve been down this road before and I know the road ends but the journey is long and hard. This traveler wants a different road or a better vehicle for rough terrain.
I’ve got a Lupus and Fibro flair going on right now. I saw it coming. I thought I might get away with “just” an increase in Lupus symptoms but I didn’t. When they’re both acting up I take it pretty hard. I can always tell when my Lupus symptoms are increasing and that I’m going to take a hard hit because my skin condition changes. I also begin to bruise very easily. During this time I get anemic to the point of my hair falling out. The pain is unreal and I’m extremely fatigued. Appetite nothing, fever high, it just gets ugly. It’s such a joy to peel a paint brush, fork or comb out of my hand because my hand froze up. Hand cramps are so comfortable. I told my therapist that this is a horrible time for the pups to be born because I knew very well I was getting sick. I think just knowing it made me a bit depressed.
Continue reading ‘A Road Well Traveled’
These are tears that belong to someone else inside which is strange. I looked at a painting today called Pray Your Past Sleeps then someone inside started crying. I went there because the artist replied to my comment. His reply I think might be what hit my heart so heavily…or maybe it’s both.
These last few nights I’ve had the same type of dream over and over again. I’m in my grandmother’s kitchen or in the middle room.
I think I’m slightly more depressed than I should be because I ran out of medication a week ago. Yeah I know…but I’m picking it up today. I called it in and I’ll get it in about 30 min. It’s just down the street. I’m going to buy some of my favorite toothpaste too. I like the Crest Mint Herbal Whitening Expressions so that’s what I’m going to get. …but not before a cup of coffee and a shower.
Me
Perhaps I just like the colour red and that’s why I don’t run when I see red flags! Oh look red…me like red.
Is this a red flag or is it my own fears because I know I recently got out of a relationship with someone who has this disorder. First let me say, this will be offensive to people who have Bipolar disorder. What I’m about to say may sound harsh and I’d be offended if someone said this about DID. So please, I apologize because I know this is offensive. I need to say it though…..
In addition to the Borderline traits of Blossom she is also an un-medicated Bipolar. She was so hard to live with and deal with because of the Borderline but once you add mania to it she became unbearable. She was manipulative, spiteful, petty, underhanded and sometimes down right cruel. She’s a small little child in an adult body. Then toss a serious under managed disorder in there and you’ve got yourself a homicide defense. She made me so angry sometimes and so confused. I never knew what to expect. Now I find out Chi is Bipolar One and I think to myself, well fuckin-A. Yes, that’s right, that’s exactly what I thought. Fuckin-A!!
When she told me I said, “Um, I asked you about this. That’s the very first thing I asked you.” I suppose that makes all the other answered questions null and void. Argh!!! She said she knows Blossom and she’s not Blossom.
Continue reading ‘Turn And Run or Stay and Observe?’
I would say I don’t know what my issue is but I do. Right now all I can do is sleep. I’ve slept most of the time since therapy. I even skipped seeing my “hug therapist”. That would have done me some good but I didn’t even go. As I was all curled up under a ton of covers I thought to myself, it would be nice to fall asleep in her arms. I started snoring after that and only got up to the clock to care for those with fur or answer mother nature.
In other news, I was planning a Random Friday entry concerning Halloween and childhood antics but who knows if that longer more detailed entry will happen. I think I’ll just give a few quick lines and leave it at that. Here goes….
My family didn’t celebrate this holiday or any other ones but like most kids I really wanted that candy. During my 4th grade year I skipped school and went door to door with a good story sure to get me all the candy I could ever want. I knocked at the first door and told the lady I was unable to go out the night before because I was with my grandmother. I made a hand motion meaning it was a long story then said, “Anyway, I was wondering if you have any candy left over. Would you mind giving me a few pieces?” Door after door this story worked. They gave me all the candy they had left, after all I just implied I spent the evening with my sick grandmother instead of begging along side the other kids. I was a good and helpful, innocent and sweet little girl just trying to get a treat before going back to care for her sick grandmother. The little girl with the big brown eyes, two pony tails and a scheme bigger than herself had to go home to drop off candy then come back out. That’s how well it worked. Now doesn’t that beat dressing up like a Star Wars character only to get half a bag of treats?
Some might say I was a “special child” but I call that innovation. I think I was ahead of my time.
Austin (yawns with mouth wide, wide open. I must return to bed)
Tricks and Treats-Friday, October 31, 2008-3:35AM EST
Puppies drive me crazy. They’re destructive little poop machines that drool then give you the big brown sad eyes so you won’t make them sleep on the porch. Damn you Brody and your big brown eyes. Damn you.
Haley Halo and Mama Ladybird have been kicked out of the bedroom at night because Baby Halo fusses so much. Get out with your adorably spotted self, closed eyes and sweet little pink nose. Get out of my bedroom.
I think I might be experiencing some PMS symptoms.
My cab driver spent most of the drive to and from therapy dogging the races again. He left no one out. Ya’ll are all hated equally..men, women, kids, elderly drivers as well as every ethnic group past and present. All of us, he hates us all.
In addition to verbal assaults against humanity Cabby Negative joked about robbing a bank. I asked if he would show up armed with his cane then limp away with what money the bank has left? I figure if you’re going to rob a bank you should at least be half way able bodied.
Continue reading ‘Puppies and Cab Driver Madness’
In the ninth grade we had to have a note from home allowing sex education classes. I never got one of those notes. I never took that class but I did take basic Health instead. In one session we talked about mental illness then watched a show about Schizophrenia. I recall the teacher breaking us into groups of 5 and telling us that 1 out of 5 people would suffer from some form of mental illness in their lifetime. She always broke us into groups to explain statistics such as this. We were in groups to determine who would be pregnant before they were ready. We were in groups to determine who would have AIDS, who would have another type of STD, so on and so forth. I recall thinking, what if my group is actually the 5 that will not be affected by these things? My thinking was, I’m in the safe five because I’m not going down that path. I’m in the safe five because I’ll watch my association. I’ll do what I know I should do and what is right instead of simply falling in line.
Even at a young age I refused to be a statistic. I saw better for myself even then. In the middle of horror I saw better for myself. I try to think about this drive I had early on when I’m up late like now thinking what a waste I’ve become. Drive, determination and focus got me through unmentionable things. That little person was one tough cookie. I can’t help but smile at my young self sometimes.
I need once again the spark that separates me from the sheep.
Joan of Arc
The Safe Five-Wednesday, October 29, 2008-1:49AM EST
I’m not afraid to love but I am afraid to be loved. For some reason that phrase has played in my head for the last hour or so.
In other news Princess Fife (deep sigh) is at it again. This time she asked her father King Fife if she could have one of my, yes my little space heaters. King Fife asked me and I said no. He said, “Those are my heaters.” I told him that technically they are his heaters but they’re under my care until I move so no, she can’t have one. He said I can’t use 4 at one time. I told him that’s not the point. If she wants a heater she can go buy herself one. He looked rather shocked. I added that he may not be able to tell her no but I sure can. I wanted to sing song the word no but I resisted the temptation. I also barely held back a small victory dance made special for the no-no song.
Later in the evening I walked into the kitchen and King Fife turned his back to me. There was a sting of pain because it was obvious he’s upset. I said, “Are you not talking to me?” he said, “That’s right.”
Continue reading ‘Intoxicated’
I’ve had dreams for years about houses that I knew had to do with the condition of my inner self. At first the house was small and something no one but I could see. In order to get to it for safety I had to get past wolves and lions. Once inside the house no one could see or hurt me. Over the years the house got bigger and had furniture. The house was always in the same spot for years which was in my grandmother’s back yard but that changed as well. This house went from invisible to only visible to those who needed it then right to being remodeled and rented out. I ran to it one day and saw a For Rent sign on it. The landlord inside said a family had been kicked out of the house because they gutted it. I looked around and saw they’d burned the kitchen and the living room something awful. He said he had another family that would move in as soon as he cleaned the place up. I’d have to wait if I wanted to rent it. Available only to me then no longer available to me even though I owned it.
Continue reading ‘Inner Houses’
I know I’ve got about 25 different drawings completed this week of little children with leaves for hair. I figure when I seem obsessed with one particular image it means there’s something I need to process out. Right now I’m focused on kids with leaves for hair. Most of them are girls, a few are boys and maybe 5 or 6 are adult women.
None of them are smiling. I usually don’t put smiles on my drawings. Most of them have their eyes closed and most of them are singles. Only 2 or 3 have more than one girl in the drawing. I guess what’s interesting to me as well is these were all done in pencil. I hardly ever use a pencil for sketches. I use black gel pens. These pencil drawings were so light I had to work my butt off to get them to show up on the scanner. So, whatever it is I’m attempting to process out via art work is something I’d rather keep at a whisper. That’s what I think anyway. Usually my strokes are well defined and it’s not hard at all to scan them. You don’t have to get in bright light to see the lines nor do you have to have 20/20 sight to make out the image but with many of what I’m calling “Leaflets” you do.
There are three that I’ve uploaded and all three of them have digital alterations. The other two are here.
Austin
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