Sundrip Journals
If you have not yet had a chance to read the entry by Beautiful Dreamer titled “A Tree Grows” please find the time to do so. You will not be disappointed. It is inspiring and beautifully written. If you need a pick me up today this is the entry that will give you a boost and a bit more fire to keep going.
Austin
What do you get when you put together three woman who love art and books? You get Texty Ladies Artful adventures in writing. Who are these ladies? Two are are authors and lovers of art. The third blogger in the group is addicted to reading. She says she won’ be satisfied until she’s read them all. On their blog they interview various living artists as well as novelists. Today I am pleased to announce I’ve been interviewed on Texty Ladies concerning the impact art therapy has had on my life and healing process. Please go check out the Texy ladies blog as well as my interview. Let them know you were there with a comment.
My interview is here.
Austin
We spoke up. We told and now what? We wait for the other shoe to fall. We figure people are going to read what we’ve said and see just how much we don’t deserve to be heard or believed. We worry they’ll examine our words and find some small inconsistency and bring it to everyone’s attention, calling us a liar and a fake. Now we have to be on our toes so that everything lines up perfectly. How? How on earth do we do that? Make it all line up and make sense to others when it hardly makes sense to us? What was consistent about the abuse other than that we were regularly abused? But we think others will look for inconsistencies so we begin to fret. We doubt ourselves, our writing and suddenly it all becomes clear. I’ve got to shut up. I need to stop writing or someone will find out who I really am. They’ll find out how broken I am, how I’m making more of this than I should. It all sounds so stupid when I write it anyway. All of this goes through my mind when I write an entry detailing abuse. Why on earth would someone read this blog or believe half of what’s in it and why do I care so much? Why do I put myself out here with such great vulnerability?
I have so many times written an entry and thought to myself, no one is coming back for sure after this one. People came back. I wrote more. No one is coming back for sure now. They came back. It surprises me that they do. I figure it’s a matter of time and I’ll get so intense on this blog that no one at all is going to read it. Why is it so important that they read? I can’t stand the silence anymore. I can’t stand people not knowing why I’m this way. So yeah, I speak, I tell things I’d rather not so people get it, so they understand I wasn’t created fragmented and broken. Someone worked very hard to make me this way.
While using Stumble I fell upon a site about the anatomy of the ear which then reminded me that I wanted to look up “vowel Deafness.” How that connection came I dont’ know but it did. I even looked at pictures of the knee and the hips to see exactly what they look like very close up. Anyway though, in regards to vowels and spelling I started doing a little searching to figure out if what I’ve said all along has any validity. Something I figured out a long time ago is that I can’t hear the vowels in spoken words and I can’t translate them onto paper. I called it vowel Deafness. Not until today did I find out that such a phrase exists. I got online to look up simple searches like “vowel Deafness” which lead to a search query of “auditory or visual processing deficits” which lead me straight to Dyslexia. I don’t know what my issue is because I can’t diagnose myself but at least I know my issue isn’t laziness and isn’t disregard for accuracy or carelessness. One of the most interesting things I read about it is that vision and hearing are linked to spelling. One article mentioned a lazy eye muscle linked to poor spelling. This is really interesting stuff. If you haven’t seen the photo of my eyes close up see this image here from my about me page.
My sister, poor thing, went through all of her schooling not knowing she’s Dyslexic.
| You Are An Attention Seeker |
 You’re only human, so you can’t help but want a little attention every now and then.You love the spotlight, but only when it’s well deserved. You’d hate to be known for the wrong thing.And you also don’t mind sharing the spotlight. You can easily give someone else credit or a complement.You know there’s enough attention to go around, and it makes you happy when your friends shine.You come across as: Friendly and interestingPeople may wrongly think you’re: A little more modest than you actually are! |
I know he didn’t just call me a whore! He doesn’t even know me. How can he pass judgment like that? That’s just wrong… name calling is wrong. You don’t even know me!!!
What Your Handwriting Says About You |
 You are a fairly energetic person. You know how do pace yourself, and you deal well with stress.You are somewhat outgoing, but you’re not a natural extrovert. You think first before you act. You tend to be independent, rational, and logical.You are balanced and grounded. You know how to get along well with others.You need a bit of space in your life, but you’re not a recluse. You expect people to give you a small amount of privacy, and you respect their privacy as well.You are somewhat traditional, but you are also open to change. You listen to your head and your heart. You are a poor communicator. No one really knows exactly what you’re getting at. |
What Does Your Handwriting Say About You?
Energetic, check. Pace myself well? Most of the time. Check. Not naturally out going. Check. Need space. Check. Check. Poor communicator? Check. I say that because in person I often stumble over my words, take things the wrong way. I communicate poorly in personal relationships. I hate you blogthings for being right so much. Nobody likes a know-it-all. I hope I communicated that well.
J of A
I wonder if now that Holiday knows about this blog and about us if our friendship will change? She’s another friend I didn’t tell about the DID. I also didn’t tell Lady about it or Psycho Date chick. It’s easier to tell someone I’m a survivor because the vast majority of women this day and age are, more men are coming forward as well. Heck, I’m okay with 3-D people knowing most things about me. I’m open about the OCD. I don’t hesitate to tell people they can’t use my restroom. I told Holiday last night that I wouldn’t be able to call her today because it’s a therapy day and I’ll most likely be messed up. Her sweet reply? “I’ll be your therapist.” I appreciate it when friends step up like that but it scares the crap out of me when they walk into my mind, my blog. These are people I have to look at, people that are going to know I barely make it through each day. I think she understand depression. I think she understands being lonely and many other issues I have but worry she’ll be afraid of the DID thing. Will she make fun of me with that age old joke, “Which one of you did that?” followed by laughter? Will I be the butt of too many jokes? This worries me now. And truthfully, since I know she’s reading I can go ahead and say this. Now you know. I hadn’t planned on telling you because many times telling has gone badly for me. I don’t appreciate the jokes about going Sybil or “Three Eve”. I don’t appreciate being handled with kid gloves. I’d like for nothing at all to change but I tell ya, I worry it will. Maybe you realized when we first met there was something a little “different” about me. Maybe like UK you picked up the multiple personality disorder and I don’t hide it as well as I use to. I hope that switching while dancing with Sis wasn’t offensive.
I blog openly to strangers with no invite to family and 3-D friends. One neighbor knows I blog. She’s been here a few times as well as her brother in Philly. I think my brother has been here a few times but I don’t think my mother has. If my mom reads my blog or any other family member, aunts, father, cousins, sister, etc then so be it but I sure as heck won’t send an invite. I talk about UK and Holiday, about Lady and Blossom but they don’t have the URL to my blog, very few of my 3-D friends or associates have my URL.
It’s one thing for them to have access to the blog; it’s a different thing to give them that access. They can find it on the net if they want but I’m not going to hand over my URL.
It’s stressful blogging with strangers reading because someone will find offense with how an entry is written. Readers seem to not realize there’s only so much you can cram into one entry. You can’t cover every single detail and cover all your bases. It’s a journal entry, not a thesis but try and get some readers to understand that. Sheshhhh! Readers will question, doubt, even name call or leave troll comments and act an ass as if that’s all their life means to them, bothering bloggers they don’t even know. There’s blogger etiquette and blogger politics to think about. Do you spell well enough, do you use the word “literally” correctly? Will your blog entry show up on a joke site if you don’t? Worrying about who will do what with an entry and who will say what about your entry can slow down the smooth flow of writing. It seems some idiot out there is just waiting for you to contradict yourself so they can call you a liar and prove your whole blog is a sham. Boy, strangers can lay pressure on thick but family brings with them a whole different range of spoken and unspoken expectations.
Here are a few examples of touchy situations with family and blogs:
Self respect is hidden in the phrase “Why me.” I hope you can see it.
I hope you one day find the strength to say it.
For a few days there was a graphic displayed on my sidebar that said, “Pity Me.” Are you wondering what that was about? The graphic you see here links to Enola’s site where a blog pity party will take place. To participate in this party only one thing is required, talk openly about how you feel without adding coping skills or reasoning. You do not have to be a survivor to join the pity party. All you have to do is be willing to give yourself permission to openly talk about whatever without resorting to the “pull up your boot straps” mentality. You don’t have to explain why you feel a certain way to justify your actions, just let it hang out. You don’t have to show strength, write a perfect entry or anything like that. Just write, write about your issues, about what might be going wrong right now, about whatever.
With that said let me say that I feel two ways about self pity. I think self pity can be both validating as well as slow down the one who wears pity as shoes. If every step you take is dedicated to letting people know how you’ve been done wrong then self pity can slow down progress and growth. On the other hand, if a person can say to themselves, “I was done wrong. That shouldn’t have happened” then it shows a measure of self respect. If a person can say, “Why me?” it shows they understand they aren’t wicked at heart, worthless and always destined for bad things.
The first time the phrase “why me” came out of my mouth was maybe 6 or 7 years ago. For the record I’m 36 years old. In my opinion I spent quite a bit of my life not questioning why certain things happened. I was quite certain they happened because of something I did, some inherent badness. I feel that the phrase “why me” validates a persons good heart that doesn’t deserve to be treated unfairly, unjustly, criminally.
In response to “why me” I’ve heard it said to ask “why not me?” I think in few situations this response is accurate but for survivors there is no relevance. In everyday life separate from abuses that question might have some validity but in my opinion the cases are few and far between. I hate that response. I think it devalues us as human beings. I think it tells people they shouldn’t feel like they are above injustices. “Why not me” might make a person sound like they think they’re better than injustice. Well, guess what? I am better than that and so are most other people. That’s just my opinion.
So, now that you know how I feel about self pity you’ll understand what I say on the 27th to be a tribute to my personal healing process. You are cordially invited on September 27th in the name of self pity, to blog and blog openly. Put your link on Enola’s blog letting everyone know you plan to participate.
Self respect is hidden in the phrase “Why me.” I hope you can see it.
I hope you one day find the strength to say it.
An Open Invitation To Complain Freely
Sunday, September 23, 2007-4:45PM EST
Ever wonder how people got to your blog? Ever look at the search terms and think, my goodness this person was looking for a cure for athletes foot how did they get to my blog? What on earth did I say about itchy cracked feet to make someone come here! Here are some of the crazy search terms that brought people to my blog. Some of these I had to type into google search to see what on earth I said to point someone ever here.
My favorite among this bunch is the person trying to figure out how to deal with a maniac relationship. I can’t help you. I just got out of one. I’m not good at relationship advice. You’ll have to seek it elsewhere.
My stats clearly show there is a clear market for bitter Valentine graphics. I’ve seen this on my search terms for this blog and for Broken Pieces. Notice all the people looking for graphics about bitter Valentine’s. The picture on that link has a typo that I refuse to go back and correct. I’m not that invested in showing you how bitter people are.
If your belief in humanity has not yet been dashed check out how my stats grew because of mentioning the recent death of a Hollywood figure. I dare not mention that person’s name because I’ll get another influx of hits. The day I wrote that entry I got 271 hits, the best ever in one day since I brought my blog to Wordpress in April of 2006. That is disgusting , more disgusting than the amount of spam that I get.
Now about money- This is suppose to be how much my blog is worth according to Technorati.
My blog is worth $11,855.34.
How much is your blog worth?
I’m worth almost 12K, what do you know? A site called Juice once said my site is worth $107. Well, I choose to believe Technorati.
Here it is nearly 4am and I have yet to go to bed. Barney Fife is out of town this week end. He’s in Missouri. I told him I wouldn’t throw any wild parties while he’s gone. No dancers, no kegs filled with Pepsi or Faygo orange pop. No chips and dip or belly dancers. Argh! I feel so held back, stifled.
Austin
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COMMENT POLICY
There are no implied rights to posting a comment. Free speech means you can say what you feel you need to say without the GOVERNMENT coming down on you, not me. If you decide to be an insensitive idiot your comment will be deleted and you will be dismissed and ignored. There is no Comment Constitution out there saying Blog Owners must uphold the First Comment Amendment and they can’t delete or moderate words. I delete stuff off my blog all the time because there are a plethora of idiots out there and they seem to flock to my blog making moderation necessary.
Idiots are everywhere. We must protect ourselves from them. See the Welcome Page for more details.
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