Sundrip Journals
About a lady Fife Junior could see through the window inside the video store he said:
She’s got a nice back piece.
Austin: It’s okay I guess. I prefer a little rounder myself.
Fife Junior: I meant her tattoo, the tattoo piece on her back.
Austin: Oh, okay… oops.
Joan of Arc (too embarrassed for words)
Aussie Conversation: Nice Back Piece-Sunday, September 14, 2008-12:39AM EST
Y’all know I can’t talk about anybody being fat cause I’m not petite or anything close to that but damn my cab driver is such an ass. I swear if gas wasn’t $4.25 a gallon I’d fire his ass. We keep hearing, Don’t Drink and Drive but when are we going to hear, Don’t Drive Mad? This man has some serious anger issues. At first I was pissed at him for tossing me around in the back of his cab while he cursed at the elderly, the young, the “Mexicans” and everyone else on his “I hate the living” list. I mean come on, you really shouldn’t get behind the wheel with that kind of anger. At first I just wanted to yell at him, “Slow down ya fat bastard. You look like a young Don King with your gray napped up fro,” followed by, “You triflin long finger nail wearing mo fo, if you wreck with me in this car I swear-to-God I’m going to sue the hell out of you.”
The man tossed me back and forth, cursed, yelled, honked his horn and acted like a total fool. I then just started laughing at him cause his behavior was ridiculous. Ya know, people with that kind of anger shouldn’t get behind the wheel and they certainly shouldn’t be a “professional driver.” My gracious between his hatred for everything that breathes and his road rage it’s a wonder he hasn’t had a friggin heart attack.
Here is a real conversation I had with Cabby Negative.
Coffee Interrupted
Thinking to myself- What’s wrong with this coffee, it tastes weired? I then realized I only put in cream and sugar. There was no vanilla, no mocha flavoring, no cinnamon hazelnut, no peppermint and chocolate. Just coffee, cream and sugar. Weird! I was too asleep to remember how to make a proper cup of coffee.
At the table, with my back to her, facing the picture window I say -Will you turn the coffee pot off please?
Blossom turns the pot off and says- Are you done? You don’t want any more?
Me – I will in a minute. I just don’t want it to um ….
Blossom –To sit hot getting stronger.
Me – No. I just don’t …
Blossom – You don’t want it to sit and burn the carafe.
I’m dead silent with a look of irritation.
Blossom – Sorry.
Me – I don’t want to burn up the heating element.
Humor Destroyed
Blossom over the phone says– There’s a mother’s day cartoon of a mother fish and a bunch of her babies swimming in a pond. Each baby gave the mother a card. “Thanks mom for not letting Dad eat me, Love Chloe.”
I laughed. She read on.
Blossom - “Thanks mom for not letting Dad eat me, Love Bruce.”
I laughed more as she read the baby fish thanking their mom for not letting the father fish eat them. She then said,
Blossom - I brought it into my therapist to give to her clients whose mother left an abusive husband. “Thanks Mom for not letting Dad beat me.”
Me - Silence. More silence. My gracious you know how to ruin a good moment and depress a person.
Blossom – Sorry, would you rather I go back to humoring you?
Me – (more silence) No, I gotta go.
NOTE: No Blossom and I are NOT dating again. Don’t even let your mind go there.
Aussie Conversation: Silence-Wednesday, May 14, 2008-12:52PM EST
Other Aussie Conversations - Scrap That There Idea, Down a Twisted Road, I Just Wanted A Nice Dinner,
Three cups of coffee, two girls and a guy sitting in the living room having a perfectly nice time then one friend decides to take the conversation down a twisted road. I’m sipping my mocha coffee (that would be a tad bit of almond extract, chocolate syrup and vanilla extract) when this conversation ensued:
Male friend: It occurred to me the other day that my therapist is my bitch.
Aussie: (cleaning the coffee spit up on her shirt) What?
Male friend: Yeah, I pay him by the hour. He says what we do is up to me. That makes him my bitch. I’m his pimp.
Aussie: Oookayyyy…
Female friend: No, that makes you his John. The insurance company is his pimp.
Aussie: I know that’s the truth.
Male friend: Well he’s still my bitch.
Aussie: See, this is exactly why you have years upon years of healing left to do. You’re one sick puppy you know that?
Although we do have meaningful conversations during dinner or while having coffee sometimes theres a break in reality for things such as the above. Even so we all went back to sipping as if the man hadn’t just strayed off the path and went right down Strange Street, took a left on Twisted Road then parked on Out of His Mind Lane. I fear he may stay parked for awhile. LOL
Aussie Conversations: Down A Twisted Road
Monday, March 24, 2008-4:17PM EST
Me: Amy made it to one year old. It’s been so cool to see her grow up. She made it through the diaper rash and everything.
Holiday: Do we have to talk about diaper rash while I’m eating. Whose Amy?
Me: Haven’t you been paying attention? She’s the girl from the blog next door.
Holiday: You know they caught that guy who killed the cab driver the other day.
Me: Can we not talk about murder while I’m trying to eat.
Holiday: How is diaper rash better dinner conversation?
Me: A girl can’t properly digest like this.
Holiday: But diaper rash is better for your digestion?
Me: I’m just sayin’
(silence)
Holiday: Just eat okay.
Me: (under my breath) I was just sayin’ is all.
Another real moment in the Austin household. So what was on the menu? Baked Rosemary & Thyme pork chops served next to small pumpkins cut in half, baked then filled with wild rice and mushrooms. Made for good eating during our great dinner conversation. She’s not a coffee drinker so she had soda. Who has soda after a meal like that? I worry about that girl.
Austin
Unfortunately this was a real conversation….not to mention a really bad idea. The conversation went something like this:
Holiday- Do you want me to come over and give you a hug?
(A little light came on above my head.)
Me- Ya know, I think if a person can order up a pizza over the phone or online they should also be able to order a hug online or over the phone.
Holiday- We could start a hugging business. They could call us and we’d drive over and give them a hug.
Me- Yeah, we could charge like twenty bucks per hug.
Holiday- Then charge extra for stuff like rubbing their back while we hug and other false expressions of sympathy. And there should be a time limit on the hug or that’s extra too.
Me- Would this make us call girls, hugging hoes of some sort?
(silence)
Me- Yeah, we might want to re-think this idea.
Something about being a twenty dollar hugging ho just didn’t set right with me. Back to the drawing board I go for a get rich quick scheme.
J of A
Scrap That There Idea
Sunday, November 11, 2007-1:13AM EST
After reformatting the hard drive I had to call AT&T Yahoo DSL to help get me back online. The first man I talked to was unable to help so he put me through to what he called the “second level support team.” Well, “Don” said he knew exactly what my issue was. I said, “Oh, no, nope you have no clue what my issues are.” He laughed. He got me logged in but stayed on line to help me download some virus and anti-spyware programs. I was worried that we’d lose the connection and I’d get another idiot like the first guy so I kept telling him, don’t you hang up on me now. He said, “I’m not going to leave you.” I said, “That’s what they all say!” From there things got really….fun! I asked him what he was wearing. I told him that he’d better fix everything that was wrong because I would show up to his job and start acting crazy. He’s laughing hysterically the whole time. Then he added,
“Do you know how hard it would be to find me?”
I said, I won’t comb my hair, I’ll borrow the neighbors kid and show up asking for you. What about the baby Don? What about your family? I thought you loved me. I said, “By the time I get finished acting stupid they’ll find you for me.” I said, “Don’t make me act out at your job Don. It doesn’t have to go that far.” He’s still laughing hysterically. I said I feel cheap. This one night stand with the AT&T guy has me feeling cheap.
AT&T guy- It’s all good though right?
Me- Yeah. But like all good things it must come to an end.
AT&T guy, “It’s not you it’s me.”
Me- “I gave you the best 13 minutes of m life and you come up with some sorry excuse like that?” How could you do this to me? I thought we had something good.
Despite both of us messing around we did get me back online with good anti-virus and anti-spyware programs installed. He said, usually the people I talk to are so uptight and stressed but this has been fun. I said, “You know had you not fixed me up it could have gotten ugly but you thwarted that with your PC knowledge.” He got all professional to end the call and I added, “After our relations I think I might need a cigarette.” He laughed. Earlier in the conversation he said that had he not been at work he really would have been cutting up. Oh, so, that was your professional side that I spoke to? The side that told me you loved me but it had to end between us? Hum!!! That was your professional side when you asked if it was good for me? What does your lack of work ethics get me? Damn! So, I’m back online and wacky as ever.
To deal with other issues that I have I must go to therapy tomorrow. It won’t be nearly as fun as my one night stand with the AT&T operator.
Dear Don,
I gave you the best 13 minutes of my life. I hope that we can remain civil despite our differences. It’ll be hard to go on without me but you must. You’ll find your way. I hope the fact that I tore your heart into little tiny shreds doesn’t hold you back. You’ve got to start a new life, take a few chances and reach out to other customers people. There will be other customers people out there willing to give you 13 min of their life. You’ll be just fine, eventually.
Never was yours but still a satisfied customer
Austin
So, I am back online and as insane as usual. Wait ’till you hear what happened earlier in the week. Oh it was a doozy.
Tue, Apr 10, 2007-3:21a
This Is Not My Day
The conversation went something like this:
Blossom- This isn’t your day is it?
Aussie- It wouldn’t have anything to do with you hitting me with your car would it?
Blossom- I said I was sorry.
Well excuse me for bleeding! It was just like with when I got hit by my own truck that one time. We were even on the same street, East Street, just the opposite side. Her car should have been euthanized several years ago but since it wasn’t the old Chevrolet has tried to kill itself. She insists upon resuscitating it. At first it was just the rust, the lack of paint (you have to have paint for it to be a bad paint job) and the ever changing bad odor that I would complain about. We’ve added several things to that “should have been put down” along time ago list.
LET THAT CAR DIE, IT’S THE RIGHT THING TO DO.
The car still runs this way but today it took a turn for the worse. It lost the ability to go in reverse so if she pulls into a parking space she has to be able to pull forward instead of back out. Well, she failed to do this. I get out to push the stupid car back so she could pull up. She sat behind the wheel to steer so as not to hit other cars. Well, when I tried to get back in the car the car rolled forward. I was doing that hop skip type thing with one leg in the car yelling for her to stop driving. She said, I’m sorry. I forgot to take it out of neutral.” When the car stopped I got hit with the open passenger door. Of course she started getting upset because she didn’t put the car in the right gear. Well, hell she should have been. Clearly she is not here right now.
So, I come home and I’m about ready to crash (on my doggie bed) but when I walked in the room where it is it seems one of the cats decided it would best serve as a litter box. So, instead of screaming and cussing I walked out of the room to catch my breath. When I walked back in there was a new spot on the human bed. It wasn’t there when I walked out a moment ago. So I stripped everything and threw it in the washer. I didn’t give it a chance to set. I put both cats in the room with their box because I wasn’t sure which one did it, they were both in there at the same time. Later I figured that it might have been Bella because she was left home with Gracie all night long. It’s the first time I’ve spent the night out and came home the next morning so she might have been a bit anxious and uneasy about that. The thing is, she cried for a long time before it happened. So, I washed everything and laid on the love seat to crash. Officer Mc Bastard called to tell me he was back at work after having been hurt on the job a week ago. He took 27 stitches after being struck by something hanging off the side of a golf cart at the Irish Festival. Okay so I hung up and went to sleep. (I call him Mic or Mic the dick and Mc Bastard because in high school he wanted to be Mickey from The Monkeys. His friends have never let him live it down. He is Irish but that is NOT why I call him Mic.)
I was hoping to go into therapy without some sort of drama this week but that’s not going to happen. Last week was the pit bull incident this week is the Chevy incident. Dear Lord, I say this week but it’s only Monday.
I’m going back to the love seat.
Austin
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