Published on
February 8, 2010 in
Anger, Anxiety, Art Therapy, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Emotions, Grief Sadness Loss, Mental Health, PTSD, Therapy and Trust.
Tags: crayon and marker, mixed media.
There’s too much in these paintings to try and explain everything. I think the 
overall theme is anxiety, rage and grief.
When Dr. D saw this one here he didn’t notice at firs that it’s a human head vomiting up flowers. The head is tilted back and is strangled by a golden rope as flowers “grow” from it’s open, strained mouth. He said it’s disturbing but very well describes how hard it can be to manage what I feel. He said to keep writing, keep drawing what’s in my head and dreams because the work will pay off in healing. God, I hope so. I’d like to try and do a digital version of Flower Pot. I like that it expresses the feeling of being overwhelmed in an accurate but grotesque way. Grotesque is important since there’s nothing comfortable at all about how I’m feeling.
My therapist and I discussed the hanging people. I tried to explain to him that they aren’t suicide gestures but an illustration of how overwhelming emotion can be sometimes. My thoughts and emotions sometimes feel so powerful that it feels as if they could kill me. This is not me hanging but emotions strangling me. One of the things we talked about too is how the figure has evolved from a simple dress-like figure to one with hands and feet to one with distinctive clothing. I commented that perhaps the emotions are getting a little clearer and less generalized. I hope that’s the case. I hope things get clearer in my head.
Continue reading ‘Flowering’
1. Of the belief that I can come up with some sort of solution to make my problems go away in a pain free manner.
2. Of the belief that I’ll be just fine and won’t crash.
3. Of the idea that I have the ability to destroy the lives of others.
4. That it’s up to me to step in and say the right things and make everything better.
5. That I can keep going without fuel and support no what – false sense of strength. I can’t do this alone or on empty.
6. That I need to rescue my friends when they themselves refuse to act.
7. Of the idea that the pains of others must become my own.
8. That I’ve failed my family, my friends and humanity in general.
9. Of the idea that my identity is reflected in an object ie, the house is clean therefore I’m clean. OCD issues.
10. Of the idea that I’m expected to be the strong one so I should be.
Art therapy piece: Multi-media angel painted on sheet music. She’s holding her hands to release herself…from herself. There are so many circling crayon strokes on this piece which reflects my confused and exhausting path. This is also a layered piece in that it’s printed sheet music followed by layers of crayon followed by markers and food coloring.
All I’ve wanted to do is draw and paint. I’ve done it non-stop for hours. My anxiety level got high enough that I figured a PRN was in order so I took one. I’ve been willing to do that lately.
Sometimes I feel okay but other times a flash of rage hits me and all I want to do is slash myself. Instead of self harm I start putting color on paper. This is the type of emotional out pour that caused me to use up all my paper last time. I’m ready this time though because I bought extra. That was horrible having no paper. It was as if a major coping skill was suddenly missing.
Continue reading ‘Slashes In Color’
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