Tag Archive for 'dating'

The Rules of War and Peace

Published on January 28, 2012 in Anxiety, Borderline Personality Disorder, Emotions, Fear, Letters Home, Relationships and Secrets and Confessions. 3 Comments Tags: , .

The very first thing I do when there’s a new relationship is think to myself: how can I get out of this? Where is my exit?

I need to feel in control by serving. That sounds so strange but really, if I provide everything….food, comfort, clean clothing, a clean house, affection, etc, etc am I not in control? It’s also a set up because when things go south trust me, you’ll hear about how I did everything and got treated like shit. I cooked, cleaned, kept that house running and still got treated like shit. It’s a set up. I’m telling you, I’m not the person to go out with. I go in looking for a way out and I go in setting you up to fail!

At this time I’m not capable of truly loving you but I am capable of being co-dependent.

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That’s Not What I Expected

Published on July 1, 2010 in Gratitude Journal, Relationships and Trust. 0 Comments Tags: .

*comments are off*

What I expected was lust, what I received was the most emotionally satisfying night I’ve had in many years.

There are certain words I’ve not heard used in reference to me until last night. I spent a lot of time with someone who made me feel masculine but yesterday the words used were all feminine in reference. There were no sweet nothings whispered in my ear to try to get me in bed. Heck, I’m the one that initiated intimacy (I’m usually dominant in that area). She didn’t have to sweet talk me so I figured the words were genuine. Never have I heard anyone tell me they like the way I feel next to them or that I’m soft. There were other things too but I guess what I’m saying is for the first time in a long time this was woman to woman where I actually felt feminine the whole time. Shesh, I was even present for the vast majority of it. It was quite nice.

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She Lies To Protect Herself

Published on June 14, 2010 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Mental Health, Relationships and Secrets and Confessions. 6 Comments Tags: , .

I got a phone call from someone I hadn’t talked to in ten very long years. For a short time we shared a one bedroom apartment with my dog Captain Crunch in a building not too tolerant of people like myself. The relationship was short but I’ve seen this young woman on and off from time to time. I remember her as the only woman on the planet I could lay beside and feel safe. We may not have lasted long but the impression she made has remained in my memory as strong as the day she made it.

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How Low Can I Go?

Published on October 3, 2009 in Borderline Personality Disorder, For the Record, Mental Health and Relationships. 5 Comments Tags: .

My self esteem is at an all time low. Having a date doesn’t help that either. I’m so nervous I can’t see straight. After I asked her out (yeah, I actually did that. I never do that) I all but ran out of the store and hid. I nearly tripped over my teeth I was smiling so big. Argh! See, with friends I’m all “cool” and ready to hang out but I turn shy and giggly girly when on a date.

Update:

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I Come To You Broken

Published on October 4, 2007 in Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD and Relationships. 2 Comments Tags: .

Lady: I’m coming to you broken. I put up a shield because I just don’t want to be hurt.
Me: You nearly drove me away.
Lady: Yeah, I know.
Me: Good thing I picked up the phone. I started not to.

I wonder if anyone else has straight out said something like that to a person of interest. She came at me hard, strong and stupid for the purpose of making sure I wasn’t going to hurt her. I told her I neither want to be a protector nor a victim, I just want to be. She’s afraid I’ll make fun of her, make fun of the way she speaks. She’s afraid I’ll tell her she talks like a white girl. Sheshhh, ya know how many people have said that to me? I resent it. It makes me feel bad. It makes me feel self conscious. My interests don’t follow a stereotype. I don’t fall into the stereotype of this or that. Not as a woman, not as an African-American, not as anything and I resent being teased for not falling into those stereotypes. She wonders if she’s good enough to have sex with but not good enough to love and be cared for. Are you looking for friendship or are you looking for love I said, cause I can only give you one of those. I can give you friendship.

I like the idea of casual dating, of a dinner here and there, of hanging out at coffee shops, half price book stores and low key places like that. Despite liking the idea of casually dating if I date the same person casually it can lead to a relationship or imply to both parties that there’s more to it than there can ever be. I wonder if she heard me when I said this. I can’t give her anything other than friendship. I simply can’t cause I come to the table with a smorgasbord of PTSD issues. I come to her broken as well. It was an interesting conversation to say the least.

One way PTSD has served me well is that I see everything. I notice how people react to what I say and what others say. I notice when they shut down. I notice small actions that others might overlook. Hyper vigilance isn’t always bad. I hear every word people say. I listen to voice inflection. I notice when they lose eye contact with me and when their eye contact is un-naturally intense. I notice when a person’s posture changes, when they’re eyes lift or lower during conversation. I notice small changes in the way they hold their mouth. I notice it all. It lets me know a lot more about the person than they may want to reveal. It can be un-nerving for them if I mention that I notice this stuff so I usually don’t bring it up. It’s not like I’m looking at them to see what they’re feeling. I just notice.

Even while I pick up small changes in body language and tone of voice I’m still aware of every movement in the room. It’s like listening to three or four different radio stations at the same time. Doing that too much can make you feel rather crazy but like most PTSD symptoms it’s not something you can just turn off. That’s when hyper vigilance isn’t helpful. It can get kinda overwhelming for me when I see and hear everything at once. I know why I do it. Many survivors have issues with hyper vigilance. I think it has to do with the survivor needing to know their surroundings so they can act on behalf of their safety. I did that with the mother. I knew where she was at all times. I watched her mood so I could change with it OR be ready for the actions that routinely followed her changes. It’s funny cause I could tell by how hard she hit if she was mad at me or someone else. She hit harder when she was mad at me. I felt better about it when she wasn’t mad at me. It made the abuse less personal I reasoned. Paying attention to the details, to small changes seemed like the perfect way to stay one step ahead of her. For the most part I hate hyper vigilance but I can see in other areas where it’s benefited me.

I’m not a bar hopper she said. I don’t take drugs and I don’t drink. Despite my out going mask I’m just as scared of life as the next person. I come to her broken too but I also come armed with knowledge. I know a relationship isn’t possible now or in the near future. There is no statement of maybe down the line we can get together. Nothing has been left open in that regard. Hanging out in platonic settings, non-romantic settings is all I can do. I like the idea of casual dating but casual dating doesn’t like me.

It’s time for an inner meeting so that everyone in Morton’s Pride is on the same page. We understand we have a need for a relationship but we also have too many issues. I can’t choose a good partner when I haven’t changed what it is about me that causes me to choose the wrong girls.

I can’t possibly choose a good partner right now, not while I’m in the middle of grieving the last one.

Austin’s August

I Come To You Broken
Wednesday, October 03, 2007-11:30PM EST

Just Dessert

Published on September 29, 2007 in Borderline Personality Disorder and Relationships. 2 Comments Tags: , .

She’ll be here after she gets off of work. It’s going to be cool this evening but that’ll be just fine. I’ll set up a nice outside picnic area nicely lighted but no romantic music or anything too strong like that. We’ll sit outside and eat homemade banana pudding, still warm cause it’s better like that. We’ll chat a little bit then awkwardly end our first date.

Thank goodness before Barney left for Missouri he fixed the lawn mower. Not only did he fix the lawn mower and mow properly but he pruned the trees. He’s motivated by money. I told him if he didn’t do it I’d pay someone else with my rent money to do it. A limb fell off a tree just inches from my boy. I wasn’t pleased. When I woke yesterday I found pretty nice looking yard. I was quite pleased. His timing couldn’t be better.

I wouldn’t exactly call this back in the saddle again. I’d call it willing to share dessert. I’m still rather hurt by how my relationship with Blossom turned out. I think about the girl daily. Most anymore I move back and forth between down right bitter to sentimental with no middle ground. Emotionally I’m still raw from the break up. I feel rather broken by it but not broken like other experiences make me feel. This one I figure I’ll recover from. I don’t, however, plan to think about that this evening nor do I plan to talk about “her.” I plan to eat banana pudding and talk.

It should be interesting to say the least. I feel like I’m going into this date hiding much. Something tells me she isn’t exactly coming over without her personal baggage but I still worry about my own. I still worry she’ll be able to see the broken parts of me. For a few minutes, if for nothing other than to enjoy myself, I’ll have to remember we’re just two people trying to enjoy an evening.

I have to remember there are no expectations. I’m not trying to make a life with her; I’m trying to eat pudding. If there are few or no expectations does it matter what my baggage is? Oh my gosh, what am I going to wear? I’ve been so focused on pudding that I forgot to think about what I’m going to put on.

video: James Morrison – Undiscovered.

Austin

Honesty For Me and For Her

Published on August 8, 2006 in For the Record and Relationships. 4 Comments Tags: .

Honesty For Me and For Her – Monday, August 07, 2006 -11:09PM EST

So I told her. I told her about the nagging, about the cruel statements, about the nit picking and the crying. We talked about it for quite awhile actually. I now know why she was saying those things to me. It doesn’t make it right but at least I know where she was coming from. When I responded I didn’t cut her any slack by shutting up just because she was crying. I didn’t slow down or speed up when the water works came because if I did then I wouldn’t have been able to finish telling her what I needed her to hear. So I acted like she wasn’t crying and that her face wasn’t red or her sleeves filled with crock tears. I didn’t kick into, “oh, everything is okay, stop crying.” I just kept talking. I talked, used I messages and tried to hear what she was saying even though she has no training what so ever in self expression. It does take training, it’s not like it comes naturally. No one just automatically knows how to express what they mean and own their own feelings and separate another person’s issues from their own all without ever having been shown the tools for how to do it. When communicating I really think I messages are hugely important because it gives very little room for a person to feel attacked. It also separates idiots from those who prefer reason because if an I message is properly “executed” then a reasonable person will eventually respond to it with reason. Idiots don’t respond to anything with reason but eventually a good hearted, reasonable person will hear an I message for what it is. I think it also lets a person take responsibility for their own feelings as well as sets boundaries between oneself and others.

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