The People Behind My Eyes

In therapy today we talked family and children and the ideal parents have of how their children’s lives will turn out. She talked about how her grandchildren would do this and that. She had the typical ideal for her children but that got interrupted when I went down my own path. Even when I had foster children I didn’t allow them contact w/ her. Even w/ foster children she didn’t get what she called “make believe grandchildren.” With focus on family and tradition right now, it being the holiday season, it’s no wonder the subject of family is on my mind.

Some of the family ideals were of my own doing. I mean heck, even though she taunted me about liking boys, made fun of me, the idea of marriage always appealed to me. I thought of it as another form of service. I was good at service. I’d be good as a wife I figured. I figured it would be perfect. We’d have the perfect house, the perfect children. I’d be the perfect wife and we’d all be…well, perfect. I loved the idea of keeping a home and raising children but I hardly ever spoke of it. On one hand she made fun of me for liking boys, on the other hand she said never to marry and then other times it was all she talked about, grandchildren and family w/ her at the helm. She’d build a house for me and my husband but she’d have mother-in-law quarters. She’d be right there w/ me to raise the children. Whatever! I still thought about marriage but there was no way on earth she’d be part of my household.

All of this makes me wonder if anyone can ever be prepared to let go of hopes they have for their child or if anyone can ever really come to peace with the fact that the ideals their family had and they themselves had won’t really come to pass now that they’re not in the closet? Can that really be something people accept, that what they want for their kids on a personal level won’t happen as they planned it? The picture won’t be as perfect as they imagined.

I understand why people make such a big deal about coming out. I understand why it’s on their mind front and center. There is pressure to conform in so many ways, but most of all cultural conformity, falling in line with what the rest of society wants for you holds pressure many yield to. That’s why we marry, why we settle down and have a family only years later to go, I can’t do this anymore. Then the family we started is hurt, our friends and our birth family are stunned, disappointed, angry because we lied to them all those years. Why wouldn’t we? Telling the truth means letting down so many people. It’s not that I’m in favor of staring a family w/ the opposite sex when you know full well you’re gay. I’m just saying I understand why it’s done. I understand not wanting to have to come out and go, “Um, remember all the plans you had for me as a child? Remember all the jokes you made about my kids treating me how I treated you, all the payback comments and things like that? Well, forget it cause I won’t be having any kids naturally.” Or, “I’m an only child and you wanted the bloodline to continue but unless we go surrogate that’s not going to happen. Sorry to disappoint you mom and dad, sorry to embarrass you before the church and your friends but all the plans you had for me are going to pot cause I’ve chosen to not go down the path you laid for me.”

When you tell someone you’re gay you also have to contend w/ what happens at parties and get togethers. Is someone going to feel uncomfortable changing in front of you now? Will there be jokes about the need to change in separate rooms? Will your girlfriend’s no longer want to have little get togethers with you? Will there be jokes made as they try to come to grips with how you’ve suddenly decided to not lie about your preferences? It happens. It happened to me. I wonder how many other people experienced this? Sometimes the jokes are to help ease their own transition but it doesn’t mean the jokes don’t sting. Sometimes the jokes are to say, “I’m okay with your decision to come out” but it doesn’t mean the jokes don’t sting. Understanding doesn’t make my discomfort level decrease.

There is more to being gay than being attracted to the same sex. You have to deal with dashing hopes and ideals and you have to somehow accept that you can’t live up to their ideals anymore. This is why coming out is such a big deal and why so many people take so long to do it. Ideals, family, culture, disappointment in self and disappointing others, I struggle with that. I’ve yet to make peace with it. It’s a little bit hard to find it when all I see of families on TV are the husband, wife, child and little puppy dog. That’s the family picture I see on TV. That’s what is widely accepted as family.

Now I’m going to go a little off topic and discuss how it as that people say they don’t care if I’m gay as long as I don’t toss it in their face. On a daily basis heterosexuality is shoved in my face. I doubt it would matter if said I don’t care if you’re heterosexual as long as you don’t toss it in my face. I can’t get away from it. Your songs, your movies, your commercials, your billboard advertisements shove it in my face every second of every day. Hell, your laws are even written to protect you, they don’t but they’re written for heterosexual couples. Try going to the police w/ a matter of domestic violence with same sex couples and be taken seriously. Try having a union and get medical insurance to cover you and your loved ones. Have your partner die and be told you don’t get anything at all because you’re not legally seen as his or her wife/husband. I may keep my homosexuality out of your face but every single part of my day involves dealing on some level w/ heterosexually biased materials and laws. I may keep it out of your face but you sure as heck don’t know how to keep it out of mine. And people wonder why coming out is so hard.

That’s all I got to say about that.
Oh, wait, there is one more thing. I finally got the nerve up to ask the cab driver to take a different route so we don’t pass Blossom’s house twice a week. That was getting kind of old. It makes missing her and staying away from her even harder when I pass her house twice a week.

J of A