Tag Archive for 'family'

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My Grandfather’s House

Published on May 22, 2009 in Abuse, Female Sadist, Grief Sadness Loss and Soapbox. 4 Comments Tags: .

I heard the news on the 3rd anniversary of my grandfather’s death (today) that the school and orphanage he grew up in is going to close. This is the same orphanage I was taken to year after year as a child and told I’d live there when my mother got tired of me. I think one of the reasons I’m a bit upset about its closing is that I really liked that place. I hoped she’d leave us there.

The building will stand and have military connections but it won’t be the place he grew up in and the place I hoped to be sent. It’s as if a landmark of my life is being knocked down. This is where hope was, this  is where I can sometimes go back to in my mind and think of how different it could have been had I lived there. The significance of losing an orphanage with so much of my grandfather’s history and mine feels … well it feels like his life has been erased and the hope I held  never existed. I know I’ve taken the closing personally but so much took place there that I loved. To see it go really hurts.

Part of me sees myself losing the imaginary grip I had on being able to reach back into my past, change one thing and get a better outcome. I know I can’t go back and force my mother to send me there like she threatened to. I cannot force her to leave me there after each yearly visit but knowing the building is as I left it somehow soothed me. I guess I was holding on to old bricks hoping for a better home in the future.

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Proposition – Smokey Cheese

Published on January 22, 2009 in For the Record and Medical. 2 Comments Tags: .

His cholesterol is dangerously high. It might have something to do with eating 2 two-pound containers of cottage cheese a month. It might have something to do with the ham and cheese sandwich he takes for lunch everyday. It might have something to do with the cheese and crackers he snacks on or the broccoli and cheese, potato and cheese soup he eats. It’s the cheese Fife, it’s the cheese. I tried to tell him this and he came back with a proposition.

My immediate reaction was to reject his so called deal siting it’s not a fair trade and that this is about HIM not me. I told him he has children that need him. His daughter is going to need him if her husband doesn’t make it. She’s too young to be a widow, way too young. She’s only twenty six and so is he but he has cancer really bad and it doesn’t look good for him. She doesn’t need to grieve the loss of her father while fearing for her husband. That was how I got him to see how important it is for him to take this seriously. It’s the cheese I told him. His doctor told him the same thing. So he said to me,

I’ll give up cheese if you give up smoking.

Damn you Fife, damn you!….but you’re on!

Yesterday I apologized to my body for eating two cony dogs with a total of 80 grams of cholesterol. I guess I didn’t feel too bad about it cause tonight I had the same thing for dinner. At least this time I had water instead of a huge glass of Kool-aide. I’ll do better tomorrow.

J of A

Random Memory: Out of the Mouth of Babes

Published on December 20, 2008 in For the Record and Relationships. 0 Comments Tags: , .

Way, way back when I worked at the local University I did so in an office with a well known professor of Women’s Studies. I was proud to work along side the doctor. It did not escape me that doing so would look great on my résumé so I was resigned to do my very best. It was an opportunity I didn’t intend to squander. With the doctor I accepted any and all invitations to lunch. We laughed and chatted, but mostly debated about why I refused to enroll at that University. I had other plans and a purpose which that school did not serve. My future was often the topic of lunch.

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Random: Wishes, Wants and Needs

Published on December 6, 2008 in Mental Health and PTSD. 0 Comments Tags: , .

(This is my random Friday entry which is a bit late)

As strange as it may seem, it was hard to come up with a list of things I needed and wanted as a child without tossing in the fairy tail view of what a child wants or the Dr. Spock version of what a child needs. It was difficult to individualize wants and needs. If you asked me what “a child” wants and needs I could list 100 or more but individualizing the list is more difficult. These are in no specific order. The last list has 2 entries with an (*) in the front. They were things I wanted but didn’t get, however, they in themselves are not forms of abuse.

Things I had as a child:

  1. Pentax K-1000 camera and a large selection of attachments
  2. A Jukebox with flashing lights, red, green and yellow
  3. A red unicycle
  4. A red robot TV and radio combo
  5. Large Telescope and a microscope
  6. Discovery card subscription for animals and space
  7. A magazine subscription to Photography Today
  8. My own bank account
  9. Shopping trips and out of town stays
  10. Encyclopedia Britannica and World Encyclopedia sets

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Aggressive and Silenced Voices

Published on November 20, 2008 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Relationships, Soapbox and Stupid People. 1 Comment Tags: .

“Please don’t look at me that way.”
“What way?”
“With that look of anger and disappointment followed by silence.”

I told Fife Senior I’d rather he do what his daughter did earlier than to have a look followed by the cold shoulder. He’s given me the cold shoulder before.

“Are you angry with me? You can tell me if you are. I can take it.” As I said it I thought to myself, that’s not true. I can’t take it. I hope he’s not angry with me. He waited for a second then said, “I’m not really angry at anyone. I just want you guys to stop arguing and fighting.” I wanted to add, “But Daddy I it wasn’t my fault. It was Princess Fife, it was her. I was a good girl.” Since he actually said what was on his mind without joking or avoiding me I figured I’d just validate and let it go.

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Random Friday: Tricks and Treats

Published on October 31, 2008 in For the Record. 1 Comment Tags: , .

I would say I don’t know what my issue is but I do. Right now all I can do is sleep. I’ve slept most of the time since therapy. I even skipped seeing my “hug therapist”. That would have done me some good but I didn’t even go. As I was all curled up under a ton of covers I thought to myself, it would be nice to fall asleep in her arms. I started snoring after that and only got up to the clock to care for those with fur or answer mother nature.

In other news, I was planning a Random Friday entry concerning Halloween and childhood antics but who knows if that longer more detailed entry will happen. I think I’ll just give a few quick lines and leave it at that. Here goes….

My family didn’t celebrate this holiday or any other ones but like most kids I really wanted that candy. During my 4th grade year I skipped school and went door to door with a good story sure to get me all the candy I could ever want. I knocked at the first door and told the lady I was unable to go out the night before because I was with my grandmother. I made a hand motion meaning it was a long story then said, “Anyway, I was wondering if you have any candy left over. Would you mind giving me a few pieces?” Door after door this story worked. They gave me all the candy they had left, after all I just implied I spent the evening with my sick grandmother instead of begging along side the other kids.  I was a good and helpful, innocent and sweet little girl just trying to get a treat before going back to care for her sick grandmother. The little girl with the big brown eyes, two pony tails and a scheme bigger than herself had to go home to drop off candy then come back out. That’s how well it worked.  Now doesn’t that beat dressing up like a Star Wars character only to get half a bag of treats?

Some might say I was a “special child” but I call that innovation. I think I was ahead of my time.

Austin (yawns with mouth wide, wide open. I must return to bed)

Tricks and Treats-Friday, October 31, 2008-3:35AM EST

Intoxicated

Published on October 29, 2008 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Relationships and Soapbox. 0 Comments Tags: .

I’m not afraid to love but I am afraid to be loved. For some reason that phrase has played in my head for the last hour or so.

In other news Princess Fife (deep sigh) is at it again. This time she asked her father King Fife if she could have one of my, yes my little space heaters. King Fife asked me and I said no. He said, “Those are my heaters.” I told him that technically they are his heaters but they’re under my care until I move so no, she can’t have one. He said I can’t use 4 at one time. I told him that’s not the point. If she wants a heater she can go buy herself one. He looked rather shocked. I added that he may not be able to tell her no but I sure can. I wanted to sing song the word no but I resisted the temptation. I also barely held back a small victory dance made special for the no-no song.

Later in the evening I walked into the kitchen and King Fife turned his back to me. There was a sting of pain because it was obvious he’s upset. I said, “Are you not talking to me?” he said, “That’s right.” Continue reading ‘Intoxicated’