Tag Archive for 'family'

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Aggressive and Silenced Voices

Published on November 20, 2008 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Relationships, Soapbox and Stupid People. 1 Comment Tags: .

“Please don’t look at me that way.”
“What way?”
“With that look of anger and disappointment followed by silence.”

I told Fife Senior I’d rather he do what his daughter did earlier than to have a look followed by the cold shoulder. He’s given me the cold shoulder before.

“Are you angry with me? You can tell me if you are. I can take it.” As I said it I thought to myself, that’s not true. I can’t take it. I hope he’s not angry with me. He waited for a second then said, “I’m not really angry at anyone. I just want you guys to stop arguing and fighting.” I wanted to add, “But Daddy I it wasn’t my fault. It was Princess Fife, it was her. I was a good girl.” Since he actually said what was on his mind without joking or avoiding me I figured I’d just validate and let it go.

Continue reading ‘Aggressive and Silenced Voices’

Random Friday: Tricks and Treats

Published on October 31, 2008 in For the Record. 1 Comment Tags: , .

I would say I don’t know what my issue is but I do. Right now all I can do is sleep. I’ve slept most of the time since therapy. I even skipped seeing my “hug therapist”. That would have done me some good but I didn’t even go. As I was all curled up under a ton of covers I thought to myself, it would be nice to fall asleep in her arms. I started snoring after that and only got up to the clock to care for those with fur or answer mother nature.

In other news, I was planning a Random Friday entry concerning Halloween and childhood antics but who knows if that longer more detailed entry will happen. I think I’ll just give a few quick lines and leave it at that. Here goes….

My family didn’t celebrate this holiday or any other ones but like most kids I really wanted that candy. During my 4th grade year I skipped school and went door to door with a good story sure to get me all the candy I could ever want. I knocked at the first door and told the lady I was unable to go out the night before because I was with my grandmother. I made a hand motion meaning it was a long story then said, “Anyway, I was wondering if you have any candy left over. Would you mind giving me a few pieces?” Door after door this story worked. They gave me all the candy they had left, after all I just implied I spent the evening with my sick grandmother instead of begging along side the other kids.  I was a good and helpful, innocent and sweet little girl just trying to get a treat before going back to care for her sick grandmother. The little girl with the big brown eyes, two pony tails and a scheme bigger than herself had to go home to drop off candy then come back out. That’s how well it worked.  Now doesn’t that beat dressing up like a Star Wars character only to get half a bag of treats?

Some might say I was a “special child” but I call that innovation. I think I was ahead of my time.

Austin (yawns with mouth wide, wide open. I must return to bed)

Tricks and Treats-Friday, October 31, 2008-3:35AM EST

Intoxicated

Published on October 29, 2008 in Borderline Personality Disorder, Relationships and Soapbox. 0 Comments Tags: .

I’m not afraid to love but I am afraid to be loved. For some reason that phrase has played in my head for the last hour or so.

In other news Princess Fife (deep sigh) is at it again. This time she asked her father King Fife if she could have one of my, yes my little space heaters. King Fife asked me and I said no. He said, “Those are my heaters.” I told him that technically they are his heaters but they’re under my care until I move so no, she can’t have one. He said I can’t use 4 at one time. I told him that’s not the point. If she wants a heater she can go buy herself one. He looked rather shocked. I added that he may not be able to tell her no but I sure can. I wanted to sing song the word no but I resisted the temptation. I also barely held back a small victory dance made special for the no-no song.

Later in the evening I walked into the kitchen and King Fife turned his back to me. There was a sting of pain because it was obvious he’s upset. I said, “Are you not talking to me?” he said, “That’s right.” Continue reading ‘Intoxicated’

Storms, Power and Family

Published on September 15, 2008 in Depression. 3 Comments Tags: .

About noon yesterday we lost power due to heavy winds and rain. I slept through most of  the storm itself. When I got up I could see trees down, lines down and everything. I stood dumbfounded by all this then  POP  the lights went out. They came back on around 2AM Monday morning.

The only way I could try and get myself to be okay with being in the dark by force was to remind myself that not only will I get power again but I also have a dry home with walls. I still have all my stuff, nothing has been washed away or damaged. The only thing I’m going through is a short power outage. It helped some but man it was really difficult to sit in the dark. I have a ton of candles so I lit them and sat them around. A few hours in I turned on the MP3 player and hooked it up to some speakers that power off the player and then did a bit of sketching in the dark. Those should be interesting to see in the light :-)

One thing that made it difficult was when Fife Jr. got home around 7PM he came in upset about his ex. who he’d just argued with. He starts yapping because he had called to make sure she was okay only to find she’s okay enough to argue. He said he’d been calling around to check up on people then he turned his head sideways and asked how long the lights had been out. Continue reading ‘Storms, Power and Family’

I’m Not Part of This Family – Part 1 of 2

Published on February 24, 2008 in Abuse, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, PTSD, Segments and Therapy. 0 Comments Tags: .

Wednesday’s therapy session was no doubt excessively hard triggering an entry like no other on this blog. I put myself in the shoes of the abuser and hers in mine. I scared myself with how angry I was but I also realize to write what I wrote shows less fear for her than I’ve ever felt before. Years ago a therapist asked me how I’d seek revenge on my abuser if I could. My mind couldn’t even go there. He then scooted a chair beside me and said, “This is your mother, tell you what you want her to know.” I froze in sheer panic. My reaction was so strong it caught us both off guard. I laughed it off but I had to ask him to move the chair back. The most I could say against her at that time was, “Maybe I’d like to see her in a coma.” That was all I could say against her. Only in one dream of mine have I hit her. My fear of her has always been great so to actually put myself in a position of power over her instead of being the victim is quite significant.

In the session Dr. D and I talked about all the details that were in the angry revenge letter to my mother. After hearing some of the details he commented that so many of my family members carried on the abuse but I didn’t. He asked me how I did it. How did I end up not being an abuser. So there I was sitting on the floor, Captain Crunch’s head was in my lap and I just told him straight. Continue reading ‘I’m Not Part of This Family – Part 1 of 2′

I’m Not Part of This Family – Part 2 of 2

Published on February 24, 2008 in Abuse, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, PTSD, Relationships, Segments and Therapy. 2 Comments Tags: .

I may have separated myself from my family of origin and I may not be an abuser but I’m not unaffected by the abusers thinking process. A person cannot survive torture, rape and other abuses from an early age until the age of 20 and somehow avoid ever having those types of “punishments” cross their mind when handing down punishment to a loved one. What I mean is this, as a survivor of these things I was taught when bad this is what happens. Take for instance the time I broke the oriental umbrella. My mother was so angry about that she got out the dowel rod and swore she would whip the palms of whomever broke it. That’s what I learned punishment was. Punishment is severe, it gets the point across the first time and then you don’t deal with that behavior anymore. When it came to fit throwing as a toddler how did she break me of that? She tossed a bucked of ice water on me. I stopped fit throwing. Punishment was severe and immediate. That is what I learned. Continue reading ‘I’m Not Part of This Family – Part 2 of 2′

I Remember Sitting, Standing, Dancing

Published on January 17, 2008 in Dissociative Identity Disorder, Female Sadist and PTSD. 0 Comments Tags: , .

I went outside with my mother and sister and danced in the rain.
I remember getting up from my mother’s fit of rage, turning on the radio and dancing to 80’s music to toss out memory of what was just done.

I remember standing on a balcony 21 stories above the city gazing at a perfect rainbow with complete strangers. The rainbow seemed to hang forever.
I remember hanging out of a six story window looking down, not sure if the mother would really push me that time.

I remember sitting on a dock by the Gulf of Mexico with my feet dangling in the water. A huge bird came and sat beside me. I froze as he ate my shrimp fishing bait.
I remember sailing with my uncle. My fear of water started there. I wondered if I could actually swim back to shore.

Continue reading ‘I Remember Sitting, Standing, Dancing’