Sundrip Journals
The days are long and tiring but better. I’ll take better.
I’m going through one 9 volt battery a day on my TENS unit. In a few days I’ll have more leads and pads for it. I’ll have 4 electrodes instead of two which will help ease pain.
I have energy in spurts. I pack to move with these energy bursts.
Energy is a precious commodity.
I’ve been less angry about this flare up than other flairs. I’m exhausted, frustrated, ready for this to stop but I feel less anger over my health situation.
Me: I’m roasting chicken again in my convection oven. I’ve come to really love roasted carrots too.
Missy: Is the convection oven round or square?
Me: It’s just like a microwave oven, it’s square. It’s like a microwave only it bakes, grills and roasts too. It’s the best thing ever. I’ve made cookies in it, muffins, roasted chicken, baked salmon. Girl I’ve done everything in this thing. I haven’t used my real oven in months. That’s just there to hide dirty dishes.
Missy: You do that too?
Me: Oh yeah!
Missy: I thought I was the only one.
I’m physically tired but emotionally better. I’m better. I’m still having what I believe to be stress headaches but they’re fewer than they were. I’ll talk to the doc about them again tomorrow. It’s been about three weeks since they started. Today marked yet another increase in doses because my blood still isn’t right. I’m back to a few restrictions and requirements that I’m numb to at the moment. Lupus and Fibro take up a lot of my world right now but not all of it. Here are photos from the rest of my life. Continue reading ‘Socks, Brazilians and Patchouli’
This conversation took place around 7:00pm tonight. I laughed so hard at a friend’s response but she got me thinking, which has lead to this journal entry.
Me: I just feel like the house is getting out of control. It feels so gross. Doesn’t it feel gross to you?
Friend: Fuck you, it’s all in your head.
Me: What? You think it’s all in my head. It doesn’t feel dirty to you?
Friend: No, it’s clean, very clean, its all in your head, fuck you… and ‘Danny’ too!
This is an inner conversation where I was trying to process a situation. This has nothing to do with Dissociative Identity Disorder, its a typical inner conversation where I’m processing an emotional occurrence. The situation processed is about watching a friend and knowing full well its best to just shut my mouth and not offer any kind of advice or insight. I need to separate myself from this particular issue, not the friendship but this particular issue.
Voice of Reason, Me = Vicky
Emotionally Charged Me = Tony
Tony- biting nails, scowling, brows deep maybe in anger, frustration mixed with a hundred other things. A hundred why’s, a hundred kinds of concern, a hundred kinds of ‘what are you doing’ kind of questions.
Vicky: This isn’t yours, you know that right?
Tony: (still biting her nails) – Yeah. I know.
Vicky: So you’re going to let it go, not get too wrapped up in it?
Tony: It’s doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different outcome.
Vicky: It isn’t yours. Just because you think you see it clearly doesn’t mean you have to ‘help her see it clearly’. You have no control over this situation and it doesn’t belong to you to ‘help her see’ anything. Continue reading ‘Reason and Emotion – An Inner Conversation’
One: I want to numb it and I want to run and shake my head back and forth. I want to shake it off, make it not matter, make myself not care. I’ll figure out a place to put it and simply let it go.
Two: Next month a friend has said she and I will get together for lunch. This is the same friend who cancels the day of arrangements with some huge emergency She says she can get together the next day and we’ll do something even better. I get together with her the next day filled with resentment. Last time when she canceled I refused her next day plan. I was so angry I couldn’t see straight. I let myself get all excited. I wanted it to happen. This time she called me for the plans but I do not see this lunch coming to fruition. I will not get my hopes up. I will not let it hurt. I know the chance is slim that she will come through so there is no need to get my hopes up, no need to look forward to it.
I’d better find some self control quickly. Yes, last night was horrible. It was absolutely terrible but I can’t be like everyone else. I can’t be the loud mouth, violent speaking, yelling at a moments notice kind of person that fills this world. Around 4:30 this morning I was a woman with no self control. And it matters not that I had a hard night. It doesn’t matter that I was in incredible pain or that around 4 am I was finally able to put my body on the bed and manage that pain too. Only to those closest to me is that relevant.
Self control is the first line of defense in a world gone mad.
At 4:30 am a car pulled and parked outside my bedroom window which happened to be open. His radio was blasting so loudly that it woke me up. He sat there with his windows down and the radio blasting. I jumped up and yelled out to him, “It’s 4:30 in the morning. TURN THAT RADIO DOWN.” Finally some guy came out, got in the car and they drove off.
There was no cursing, nothing like that it was just that I should have closed my window, period. I need self control, less impulsivity.
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