Tag Archive for 'I Can’t Get Over It'

Awake and In Dreams

Published on January 2, 2010 in PTSD and Therapy. 1 Comment Tags: .

Tuesday, December 29, 2009-2:25am EST

In therapy we talked about the dream where the toilet was overflowing and then the waterbed. He noted how the leak started off slow then quickly overwhelmed the room. He said it’s much like how I am when we talk about the abuse in session. The leak starts slow then quickly gets out of control. I shut down, switch and can’t talk or hide my head and cry.

He said that in the dream I tried to flush something, get rid of it but it came back up with a powerful force. In sessions I take a look at ugly stuff and attempt to throw away old tapes but they come back and overwhelm me. I feel bad that all he has to do is say certain words and I go from 0 to 60 in 3 seconds flat. Catholicism, relationship with your mother, pain, dowel rod.

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Criminal Minds and Multiple Personality Disorder

Published on April 8, 2009 in Abuse and Dissociative Identity Disorder. 0 Comments Tags: .

I hardly ever watch Criminal Minds anymore because it’s so triggering but in a bored stupor I turned it on tonight. I got to the last 20 min of the show and realized it had to do with DID. I guess there were clues. The unsub talked about horrible headaches. When asked about the murders he said he only partly remembered the attack. The way the unsub answered that question is how I’ve answered many questions, “I sort of remember but not really.” There were many subtle clues that most DID’s could pick up if they were looking for them. I wasn’t looking for them. Only after I turned it off did these clues stand out for me.

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Depression – I Can’t Get Over It

Published on October 16, 2007 in Mental Health, PTSD, Therapy and Therapy Assignments. 4 Comments Tags: .

I always thought depression was sadness over a long period of time. I thought it meant sadness at a certain high level that stays for what seems like an eternity and doesn’t get any better. My experience has been an even level of depression, high but even. While reading the book I Can’t Get Over It I found out that there’s a difference between depression over a long period of time and depression over a long period of time that grows in intensity. It’d not depression that stands still, it increases and continues to tear its victim down. I would say my personal depression stays the same. It doesn’t grow. It’s the same nagging depression which leads me to believe that I’m stuck in grief. I’ll have to continue to read this chapter for more. But right now I think I’ve not been able to grieve over much at all and I may be stuck in that particular phase. Continue reading ‘Depression – I Can’t Get Over It’

Issues Binding

Published on October 25, 2006 in Art. 2 Comments Tags: .

Copyright 2006 @ Sundrip Graphics All rights reserved

Issues binding. This picture started out titled Walk With Me but in the middle of making it I turned to showing what it feels like to try and move with the past holding onto you. I thought about writing the word guilt on the floor of the painting but then I just left it blank because this could mean so many things. Held by guilt, held by nightmares, held by other issues, just held against your will and it feels like you just can’t break free. You know what though? I will.

Psalms 18:29- For by you I can run against a marauder band: And by my God I can climb a wall.

Austin

Therapy Assignment: Questionnaire for Criterion F

Published on October 18, 2006 in Abuse, Female Sadist, Therapy and Therapy Assignments. 0 Comments Tags: .

Therapy Assignment: Questionnaire for Criterion F
I Can’t Get Over It by Aphrodite Matsakis, Ph.D.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006- 9:28PM EST
Feelings While Reading

Starting safety level – a bit overwhelmed, rocking, but still encouraged. 6 anxiety rate, 0 self injury, 0 suicidal ideations.
Ending safety level- about the same with a bit of depression, like maybe I’m wasting my time. I would classify that as discouragement. 8 anxiety rate, 0 self injury, 0 suicidal ideations.

___________________

Instructions are to review the number of PTSD symptoms I recorded in criterion A thru F then answer the following questions.

Criterion A: How many traumas have you experienced? 4 out of
Have you ever lived in a refugee or concentration camp or been tortured?
Were you ever sexually or physically assaulted, either by a stranger, a group of strangers, a family member, or anyone else?
As a child, were you physically maltreated with excessive beatings or spankings? Were a parent’s or caretakers disciplinary measures sadistic?
Have you ever been kidnaped, abducted, raped, burglarized, robbed or mugged?

Criterion B: Only one form of re-experiencing is necessary to meet the criteria for PTSD. In how many ways do you re-experience the trauma? How much is that in excess of the required number? I have 5 out of 7 from this section.

  • I have persistent and intrusive thoughts of the traumatic event. Even when I’m not trying to think about it I can’t get it out of my head.
  • I have nightmares.
  • I also have nightmares that are not about the abuse but include people and places involved in the abuse. When I wake up I feel just as empty and broken as I did back then. I try not to get in the fetal position because I know very well that never helps.
  • I find myself feeling like I’m back in that trauma. Sometimes I can actually feel my mother hitting me.
  • I become dissociative or, fearful or angry when I see or think I will see people from the past. These same things happen when I’m close to an area where something happened or when something reminds me of the past.

Criterion C: Two forms of re-experiencing is necessary to meet the criteria for PTSD. How any of the questions did you answer yes to? How much is that in excess of the required number? 4 out of 6

After surviving the mother there have been times I’ve felt emotionally dead or numb. There are times when I have to force myself to not be cold when tragic things happen in the lives of friends. I have to force myself to feel quite often. It seems that they just turn off and I have to work really hard to bring them up.

Have you tried not to talk about the event or avoided thoughts or feelings associated with it?
Yes. Humiliation is a nasty little bugger and that is what I feel when I think about the abuse or when I talk about the abuse.

I feel alienated and apart from others. I feel like a fake most of the time, like people see me one way but they have no idea that things are rough in my head. I make either a bad first impression or a bigger than life impression. Either way it’s not like I’m staying around long for fear they’ll find out that something about me just isn’t right. When I hear people talk about their family situations, if it’s good I can not relate. I feel nothing. I can’t even picture it. I do not feel a connection to happy people. I feel odd, noticeably unclean, much more so than others. Yeah, I’d say I feel alienated.

I have lost interest in things I use to love. This especially happens when flashbacks are stronger than usual. I went for so long without baking a loaf of bread. I went even longer without cooking a meal. My microwave and I got to know each other very well. I lose my appetite or I binge depending on if I want to punish myself or deprive myself. I brushed the dog because it needed to be done. I didn’t feel the same relaxed almost spiritual feeling as before. I worried he could tell the difference. I force myself to feel connected to him. When I can’t I stop because I don’t want to put cold hands on my dog.

Criterion D: Three hyperarousal symptoms are necessary to sonstitute PTSD. .. Yada, yada, yada, etc… Answer yes to experiences that occurred after the trauma.
I thought I only had 2 out of 5 until I read further and they explained what some of this means. So the accurate count is 4 out of 5.

  • Difficulty sleeping

Insomnia is a big issue with me as is putting off sleep so I don’t have to dream. I also seem to wake right up. My body almost jerks me awake as if I’ve let my guard down and I should be more careful, like a warning of some kind..wake up, you let your guard down stupid!.

  • Irritability or outbursts of anger

It feels like a wave that comes over me. I’m angry for no reason at all. I’ve thrown things from time to time and that really scared the crap out of me. I’m irritated with people for no reason at all. I sometimes have to keep myself from yelling at people. I dog them out on my journal then approach them calmly. If I didn’t use the journal that way I’d end up cutting people to pieces with my tongue. Sometimes it feels warranted but most times the anger isn’t equal to the offense.

  • Exaggerated startle response (jumping or otherwise overreacting to noises or the sudden appearance of a person).

It is always so embarrassing when this happens. It happens out in public but mostly at home. Once I’ve been startled I try and be conscious of it but it seems to just make matters worse. I’m even more jumpy than before.

  • Hypervigilance or overprotectiveness toward oneself and others.

I did not realize that sitting close to the door or not ever sitting with my back to the room was considered hypervigilance. I actually don’t sit close to the door. I’m the opposite. I sit away from it. If someone comes in the people in front of gettin’ it first. The assailant has people to go through before he/she gets to me. In that time I may be able to make my escape. It’s an odd reasoning but it doesn’t stop me from choosing a table in the back of the restaurant. Not so far that it’s clear I’m away from everyone but far enough to see everyone and feel safer. At home I don’t sit with my back to the room. My favorite chair is in a far corner. I can see into two different areas of the house from that seat including two entry ways.

  • How long have you been experiencing PTSD symptoms?

I don’t remember when they started.

Criterion F: In what ways have your PTSD symptoms or other reactions to the trauma affected your ability to work, relate to people, or to live your life?

This question will have to wait until tomorrow. This may be the very last question in this assignment but I’m done for the night. This is somehow the hardest question of all.

Austin

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Questionnaire for PTSD Criterion A Determining Trauma

Published on September 6, 2006 in Abuse, Borderline Personality Disorder, Female Sadist, PTSD, Therapy and Therapy Assignments. 5 Comments Tags: .

Questionnaire for PTSD Criterion A Determining Trauma

THERAPY ASSIGNMENT- I Can’t Get Over It – Wednesday, September 06, 2006-6:16PM EST

Emotional Inventory

  • Anxiety level beginning- 3 I feel more dread and fear than anxiety. There is also a touch of excitement that maybe just maybe this will be of some type of help.

Anxiety level end- 5 I’m rocking a bit, numbed out a little but in general I’m okay.

  • Safety Status beginning- 100% Safe

Safety Status end- 100% Safe

**see feelings list**

Instructions: Describe the event or events that happened to you and your feelings during and after the event. Be as specific and detailed as you can.

Of twelve criteria listed I see four that apply to me. (Long sigh) I dread this book but I want so badly to not live like this anymore so I’m going to go for it. Thank goodness I see you tomorrow. I only read this book the day before therapy because I know it’s going to get heavy. So, here goes nothing. Here are the things I see that apply to me.

Have you ever lived in a refugee or concentration camp or been tortured?

Yes. Tortured. The mother put needles in the roof of my mouth. We stood with our arms extended holding encyclopedias in each palm that faced up. Dropping them was not an option.

Were you ever sexually or physically assaulted, either by a stranger, a group of strangers, a family member, or anyone else?

Yes, family members. The main abuser is the mother followed by the uncle, the grandmother, the only male cousin in the family, and the mother’s 3 sisters. The Aunt S* was the cruelest of them with Aunt P second and Aunt C in third place as far as cruelty to me. I was not sexually abused by the aunts or the grandmother. Physical and sexual assault was by the mother, uncle and male cousin. I had a knife held to my throat by the mother on several occasions, held out of a 6 story window once, had a gun held to my head by the uncle. The uncle shot me in the foot when I was 9 years old.

As a child, were you physically maltreated with excessive beatings or spankings? Were a parent’s or caretakers disciplinary measures sadistic?

For example, were you ever forced to eat worms or insects, to stand nude in the cold or in front of others, or to injure a pet, sibling, or another person? Were you ever confined to a cage, a closet, or tied up? Were you deprived of adequate nutrition and medical care you needed?

Dowel rods were the mother’s favorite weapon. She used them on our hands and the bottoms of our feet. She beat our lips with a wide tooth comb until they were swollen and bloody. We had our hands tied behind our back in bed with her. She starved us quite often or made us work like dogs in order to get food. What we ate depended on how well she thought we did.

The medical part is just the opposite of neglect. She took us to the doctor often. She told me I would be dead by the age of 20 because I would die from multiple sclerosis. If I lived I’d be blind by the age of 30 because I supposedly had a lazy eye and I looked directly into an eclipse with that lazy eye. She said I had hypoglycemia and later I supposedly developed diabetes and other illnesses. She took us to the doctor but they couldn’t find anything wrong with us so she put us on a regimen of vitamins and we were miraculously cured after awhile. My only illness back then was a disease that answered to the name Mama.

Have you ever been kidnapped, abducted, raped, burglarized, robbed or mugged?

Yes. In early 2005 I was assaulted in my apartment. Late in 2005 I moved to my new place here with Barney Fife. Some asshole broke into my apartment back in 1999 or 2000 or somewhere around in there but I beat his ass and he passed out on the front porch. The police came and took him away. I testified at his trial and he got a year in jail with a year where he couldn’t come within 500 feet of me. I didn’t know the man. I laugh at that story but it wasn’t funny at the time because he knew I was home and he knew I was on the phone with the police yet he still kicked the door in and walked into my bedroom. When he walked in we had a short introduction and then his head met Mr. Fire Extinguisher, twice. It is my assertion that he chose the wrong damn house!

**see feelings list**

Feelings While Reading

Published on September 6, 2006 in Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD, Segments, Therapy and Therapy Assignments. 3 Comments Tags: .

Feelings While Reading - I Can’t Get Over It – Questionnaire for PTSD Criterion A, Determining Trauma – Wednesday, September 06, 2006-7:05PM EST

The book kept saying that the extent of the injury is what determines if a person will develop PTSD. It said that it’s the only psych disorder in the DSMIV that is a direct result of outside influences or events. The author kept giving me all these reasons as to why it’s not my fault for having PTSD and she gave all this proof about how common PTSD is. I found myself irritated because that’s all she seemed to be saying. I thought I was just wasting my time if she was going to do for 395 pages was tell me how this isn’t my fault. I was like, yeah, okay I get it. Then I got down to Criterion F which says: The symptoms have significantly affected your social or vocational abilities or other important areas of your life. That is when irritation moved right over into shame. It seems that no matter how together I appear to be the fact remains that I’m damaged goods. I can not work outside of the home. I can’t hold a job to save my life. I’m usually too afraid to leave the house. I avoid the side of town where my grandmother lives, my level of fear is so great that it is part of my everyday life the way grass is to the ground or copper is to a penny. Some things just go together and it seems that for me the fiber of my being, what I’m made up of and what has become normal is to live in fear. That fear keeps me bound and it keeps me from being able to hold a job, hold good relationships or simply step out on my front porch without worrying that my mother will be on the other side of it. Does this affect my daily life? Hell yes, in almost every way that it could.

The author kept saying how things that cause PTSD aren’t normal. That makes me sad because I didn’t know what was happening in our house wasn’t normal until I was much older. I left home several times because I couldn’t stand it there any longer but I didn’t know that many other things were abuse or out of the ordinary until I was gone from home back in ’92. The fact that I didn’t know just pisses me off and it brings so many questions and a lot more issues than answers. I sometimes think not knowing what was or was not abuse is better than knowing. At least then there is no conscience grief and no conscious reason for bouts of depression and fits of anger when you don’t realize you’ve been hurt. Have you ever found a bruise on your arm or leg and thought, well, how did that happen? You don’t remember the event that broke blood vessels; you don’t have memory of some time when your body was assaulted with an object blunt enough to break the tissue under the skin. You don’t know when it happened and you never really felt the pain. Sometimes not knowing is better than knowing because knowing means you remember the pain and you remember what that object was that penetrated straight to the core of your being. Sometimes lack of information seems so much better than being informed.

While reading I went from irritated to feelings of shame, then sadness and now a sense of grief. The grief is because I know. The grief is because I’m informed and given proof that life was not normal or supposed to happen that way. I feel cheated and that makes me angry.

Austin