I always thought depression was sadness over a long period of time. I thought it meant sadness at a certain high level that stays for what seems like an eternity and doesn’t get any better. My experience has been an even level of depression, high but even. While reading the book I Can’t Get Over It I found out that there’s a difference between depression over a long period of time and depression over a long period of time that grows in intensity. It’d not depression that stands still, it increases and continues to tear its victim down. I would say my personal depression stays the same. It doesn’t grow. It’s the same nagging depression which leads me to believe that I’m stuck in grief. I’ll have to continue to read this chapter for more. But right now I think I’ve not been able to grieve over much at all and I may be stuck in that particular phase.
Tag Archive for 'I Can’t Get Over It'
Issues binding. This picture started out titled Walk With Me but in the middle of making it I turned to showing what it feels like to try and move with the past holding onto you. I thought about writing the word guilt on the floor of the painting but then I just left it blank because this could mean so many things. Held by guilt, held by nightmares, held by other issues, just held against your will and it feels like you just can’t break free. You know what though? I will.
Psalms 18:29- For by you I can run against a marauder band: And by my God I can climb a wall.
Austin
Therapy Assignment: Questionnaire for Criterion F
I Can’t Get Over It by Aphrodite Matsakis, Ph.D.
Tuesday, October 17, 2006- 9:28PM EST
Feelings While Reading
Starting safety level – a bit overwhelmed, rocking, but still encouraged. 6 anxiety rate, 0 self injury, 0 suicidal ideations.
Ending safety level- about the same with a bit of depression, like maybe I’m wasting my time. I would classify that as discouragement. 8 anxiety rate, 0 self injury, 0 suicidal ideations.
___________________
Instructions are to review the number of PTSD symptoms I recorded in criterion A thru F then answer the following questions.
Criterion A: How many traumas have you experienced? 4 out of
Have you ever lived in a refugee or concentration camp or been tortured?
Were you ever sexually or physically assaulted, either by a stranger, a group of strangers, a family member, or anyone else?
As a child, were you physically maltreated with excessive beatings or spankings? Were a parent’s or caretakers disciplinary measures sadistic?
Have you ever been kidnaped, abducted, raped, burglarized, robbed or mugged?
Criterion B: Only one form of re-experiencing is necessary to meet the criteria for PTSD. In how many ways do you re-experience the trauma? How much is that in excess of the required number? I have 5 out of 7 from this section.
- I have persistent and intrusive thoughts of the traumatic event. Even when I’m not trying to think about it I can’t get it out of my head.
- I have nightmares.
- I also have nightmares that are not about the abuse but include people and places involved in the abuse. When I wake up I feel just as empty and broken as I did back then. I try not to get in the fetal position because I know very well that never helps.
- I find myself feeling like I’m back in that trauma. Sometimes I can actually feel my mother hitting me.
- I become dissociative or, fearful or angry when I see or think I will see people from the past. These same things happen when I’m close to an area where something happened or when something reminds me of the past.
Criterion C: Two forms of re-experiencing is necessary to meet the criteria for PTSD. How any of the questions did you answer yes to? How much is that in excess of the required number? 4 out of 6
After surviving the mother there have been times I’ve felt emotionally dead or numb. There are times when I have to force myself to not be cold when tragic things happen in the lives of friends. I have to force myself to feel quite often. It seems that they just turn off and I have to work really hard to bring them up.
Have you tried not to talk about the event or avoided thoughts or feelings associated with it?
Yes. Humiliation is a nasty little bugger and that is what I feel when I think about the abuse or when I talk about the abuse.
I feel alienated and apart from others. I feel like a fake most of the time, like people see me one way but they have no idea that things are rough in my head. I make either a bad first impression or a bigger than life impression. Either way it’s not like I’m staying around long for fear they’ll find out that something about me just isn’t right. When I hear people talk about their family situations, if it’s good I can not relate. I feel nothing. I can’t even picture it. I do not feel a connection to happy people. I feel odd, noticeably unclean, much more so than others. Yeah, I’d say I feel alienated.
I have lost interest in things I use to love. This especially happens when flashbacks are stronger than usual. I went for so long without baking a loaf of bread. I went even longer without cooking a meal. My microwave and I got to know each other very well. I lose my appetite or I binge depending on if I want to punish myself or deprive myself. I brushed the dog because it needed to be done. I didn’t feel the same relaxed almost spiritual feeling as before. I worried he could tell the difference. I force myself to feel connected to him. When I can’t I stop because I don’t want to put cold hands on my dog.
Criterion D: Three hyperarousal symptoms are necessary to sonstitute PTSD. .. Yada, yada, yada, etc… Answer yes to experiences that occurred after the trauma.
I thought I only had 2 out of 5 until I read further and they explained what some of this means. So the accurate count is 4 out of 5.
- Difficulty sleeping
Insomnia is a big issue with me as is putting off sleep so I don’t have to dream. I also seem to wake right up. My body almost jerks me awake as if I’ve let my guard down and I should be more careful, like a warning of some kind..wake up, you let your guard down stupid!.
- Irritability or outbursts of anger
It feels like a wave that comes over me. I’m angry for no reason at all. I’ve thrown things from time to time and that really scared the crap out of me. I’m irritated with people for no reason at all. I sometimes have to keep myself from yelling at people. I dog them out on my journal then approach them calmly. If I didn’t use the journal that way I’d end up cutting people to pieces with my tongue. Sometimes it feels warranted but most times the anger isn’t equal to the offense.
- Exaggerated startle response (jumping or otherwise overreacting to noises or the sudden appearance of a person).
It is always so embarrassing when this happens. It happens out in public but mostly at home. Once I’ve been startled I try and be conscious of it but it seems to just make matters worse. I’m even more jumpy than before.
- Hypervigilance or overprotectiveness toward oneself and others.
I did not realize that sitting close to the door or not ever sitting with my back to the room was considered hypervigilance. I actually don’t sit close to the door. I’m the opposite. I sit away from it. If someone comes in the people in front of gettin’ it first. The assailant has people to go through before he/she gets to me. In that time I may be able to make my escape. It’s an odd reasoning but it doesn’t stop me from choosing a table in the back of the restaurant. Not so far that it’s clear I’m away from everyone but far enough to see everyone and feel safer. At home I don’t sit with my back to the room. My favorite chair is in a far corner. I can see into two different areas of the house from that seat including two entry ways.
- How long have you been experiencing PTSD symptoms?
I don’t remember when they started.
Criterion F: In what ways have your PTSD symptoms or other reactions to the trauma affected your ability to work, relate to people, or to live your life?
This question will have to wait until tomorrow. This may be the very last question in this assignment but I’m done for the night. This is somehow the hardest question of all.
Austin
*comments for this entry have been turned off
Questionnaire for PTSD Criterion A Determining Trauma
THERAPY ASSIGNMENT- I Can’t Get Over It - Wednesday, September 06, 2006-6:16PM EST
Emotional Inventory
- Anxiety level beginning- 3 I feel more dread and fear than anxiety. There is also a touch of excitement that maybe just maybe this will be of some type of help.
Anxiety level end- 5 I’m rocking a bit, numbed out a little but in general I’m okay.
- Safety Status beginning- 100% Safe
Safety Status end- 100% Safe
Instructions: Describe the event or events that happened to you and your feelings during and after the event. Be as specific and detailed as you can.
Of twelve criteria listed I see four that apply to me. (Long sigh) I dread this book but I want so badly to not live like this anymore so I’m going to go for it. Thank goodness I see you tomorrow. I only read this book the day before therapy because I know it’s going to get heavy. So, here goes nothing. Here are the things I see that apply to me.
Have you ever lived in a refugee or concentration camp or been tortured?
Yes. Tortured. The mother put needles in the roof of my mouth. We stood with our arms extended holding encyclopedias in each palm that faced up. Dropping them was not an option.
Were you ever sexually or physically assaulted, either by a stranger, a group of strangers, a family member, or anyone else?
Yes, family members. The main abuser is the mother followed by the uncle, the grandmother, the only male cousin in the family, and the mother’s 3 sisters. The Aunt S* was the cruelest of them with Aunt P second and Aunt C in third place as far as cruelty to me. I was not sexually abused by the aunts or the grandmother. Physical and sexual assault was by the mother, uncle and male cousin. I had a knife held to my throat by the mother on several occasions, held out of a 6 story window once, had a gun held to my head by the uncle. The uncle shot me in the foot when I was 9 years old.
As a child, were you physically maltreated with excessive beatings or spankings? Were a parent’s or caretakers disciplinary measures sadistic?
For example, were you ever forced to eat worms or insects, to stand nude in the cold or in front of others, or to injure a pet, sibling, or another person? Were you ever confined to a cage, a closet, or tied up? Were you deprived of adequate nutrition and medical care you needed?
Dowel rods were the mother’s favorite weapon. She used them on our hands and the bottoms of our feet. She beat our lips with a wide tooth comb until they were swollen and bloody. We had our hands tied behind our back in bed with her. She starved us quite often or made us work like dogs in order to get food. What we ate depended on how well she thought we did.
The medical part is just the opposite of neglect. She took us to the doctor often. She told me I would be dead by the age of 20 because I would die from multiple sclerosis. If I lived I’d be blind by the age of 30 because I supposedly had a lazy eye and I looked directly into an eclipse with that lazy eye. She said I had hypoglycemia and later I supposedly developed diabetes and other illnesses. She took us to the doctor but they couldn’t find anything wrong with us so she put us on a regimen of vitamins and we were miraculously cured after awhile. My only illness back then was a disease that answered to the name Mama.
Have you ever been kidnapped, abducted, raped, burglarized, robbed or mugged?
Yes. In early 2005 I was assaulted in my apartment. Late in 2005 I moved to my new place here with Barney Fife. Some asshole broke into my apartment back in 1999 or 2000 or somewhere around in there but I beat his ass and he passed out on the front porch. The police came and took him away. I testified at his trial and he got a year in jail with a year where he couldn’t come within 500 feet of me. I didn’t know the man. I laugh at that story but it wasn’t funny at the time because he knew I was home and he knew I was on the phone with the police yet he still kicked the door in and walked into my bedroom. When he walked in we had a short introduction and then his head met Mr. Fire Extinguisher, twice. It is my assertion that he chose the wrong damn house!
Feelings While Reading - I Can’t Get Over It - Questionnaire for PTSD Criterion A, Determining Trauma - Wednesday, September 06, 2006-7:05PM EST
The book kept saying that the extent of the injury is what determines if a person will develop PTSD. It said that it’s the only psych disorder in the DSMIV that is a direct result of outside influences or events. The author kept giving me all these reasons as to why it’s not my fault for having PTSD and she gave all this proof about how common PTSD is. I found myself irritated because that’s all she seemed to be saying. I thought I was just wasting my time if she was going to do for 395 pages was tell me how this isn’t my fault. I was like, yeah, okay I get it. Then I got down to Criterion F which says: The symptoms have significantly affected your social or vocational abilities or other important areas of your life. That is when irritation moved right over into shame. It seems that no matter how together I appear to be the fact remains that I’m damaged goods. I can not work outside of the home. I can’t hold a job to save my life. I’m usually too afraid to leave the house. I avoid the side of town where my grandmother lives, my level of fear is so great that it is part of my everyday life the way grass is to the ground or copper is to a penny. Some things just go together and it seems that for me the fiber of my being, what I’m made up of and what has become normal is to live in fear. That fear keeps me bound and it keeps me from being able to hold a job, hold good relationships or simply step out on my front porch without worrying that my mother will be on the other side of it. Does this affect my daily life? Hell yes, in almost every way that it could.
The author kept saying how things that cause PTSD aren’t normal. That makes me sad because I didn’t know what was happening in our house wasn’t normal until I was much older. I left home several times because I couldn’t stand it there any longer but I didn’t know that many other things were abuse or out of the ordinary until I was gone from home back in ’92. The fact that I didn’t know just pisses me off and it brings so many questions and a lot more issues than answers. I sometimes think not knowing what was or was not abuse is better than knowing. At least then there is no conscience grief and no conscious reason for bouts of depression and fits of anger when you don’t realize you’ve been hurt. Have you ever found a bruise on your arm or leg and thought, well, how did that happen? You don’t remember the event that broke blood vessels; you don’t have memory of some time when your body was assaulted with an object blunt enough to break the tissue under the skin. You don’t know when it happened and you never really felt the pain. Sometimes not knowing is better than knowing because knowing means you remember the pain and you remember what that object was that penetrated straight to the core of your being. Sometimes lack of information seems so much better than being informed.
While reading I went from irritated to feelings of shame, then sadness and now a sense of grief. The grief is because I know. The grief is because I’m informed and given proof that life was not normal or supposed to happen that way. I feel cheated and that makes me angry.
Austin
Therapy Assignment: I Can’t Get Over It! -Tuesday, June 28th , 2006-11:42 pm
I started reading the book my therapist gave me to read because I figured that I wasn’t getting any better or any worse with this newest bought of depression. I’m happy I started it. This entry might not make any sense to anyone else but these are just some notes for me to come back to. They said to start an I Can’t Get Over It journal but I’m just going to add a category and leave it on this journal.
Intro page 2
Quote:PTSD - A Normal Reaction to an Abnormal Amount of Stress
If you suspect that you suffer from PTSD, do not be alarmed. PTSD is an entirely normal reaction to an abnormal amount of stress. Having PTSD does not mean you are mentally ill, nor does it mean that you are weak or somehow deficient. Think of it this way: no matter how strong your leg bones, if enough force is applied, they will break. Given the proper care, they can also heal. And so can you. End quote.
A normal response to an abnormal situation. Okay, that means that I’m not weak for feeling trapped by the events. It just means that the trauma was severe enough that it will take more than a bit of help to move forward. Hm. Okay.
From the quote I’d say that those who can handle life’s trauma and the symptoms that follow all that person is abnormal. If we are all made of clay then we are all capable of falling off the potters wheel.
I always said that I hated being called strong because when someone says that it usually ends up meaning that the assistance I get is limited. Say there are two people in an equal amount of pain but they both display it differently. You have one person screaming and crying and falling apart and showing outwardly that they are hurt. You have the other person sitting motionless, looking at the floor, staying to himself who will the support run to first? Do I have to scream in agony every time I’m hurting at that level or can I just talk it out and receive the same level of care as those who are have the ability to cry out? I don’t understand why if I say I need help and here is why that it translates to, I’m just venting you know I can handle this on my own AND your problems too. Somehow it translates that way. Yeah, I have a lot of coping skills but I’m just as weak and tired as the next person. I’m just as fallible, just as fearful, just as unsure as the next person. Having an arsenal of coping skills doesn’t mean that I should have to cope alone.
I use to say that I was like everyone else that I have weaknesses, strengths and fears just like every other human being on the face of the earth. I use to say that people expected me to be strong and to be able to handle what I’m going through right now. It angered me because it was like, why would my reaction be any different than the reaction of the next person? I’m made of clay like everyone else so why would friends expect me to react to this ordeal with strength and the ability to shoulder all of this? A friend of mine said that she thinks that her friends and family believe she is strong and able to handle everything. She said when she talks to them about problems they seem to think she’s venting and she doesn’t really need any help, just a place to vent because after all she’s strong, she can handle this.
I’m your average woman, 32, overweight, single living with a dog, a few cats and a bastard roommate. This isn’t an uncommon profile and neither is it uncommon that I’d be an incest survivor or a survivor of rape as an adult. If these things are common and my reaction to them is common (PTSD) then why on earth do people keep seeing me as capable of handling life on my own? Some people don’t outwardly say it but the way they respond to my “break downs” says they think it. A therapist of mine use to tell me how strong I am when I was messed up and hurting myself daily. It use to piss me off so badly because she wasn’t hearing me. She wasn’t hearing that I was unable to continue life as the current level of anxiety, flashbacks and fear. I needed her to hear me not to tell me in effect that I could handle it. She said I’d gotten through much worse and that I could get through this. How is that helpful? And don’t say, “this too shall pass” because that just makes me want to choke people.
Intro page 2
Quote: The symptoms of PTSD are not “in someone’s head” or a play for attention. Rather, they are the aftereffects of an event or series of events severe enough to profoundly alter a person’s thinking, feelings, and physical reactions. These events need not have gone on for years, months or even hours. A single life-or-death incident lasting as little as a few seconds is enough to traumatize you. In those few moments, your emotions, identity, and sense of the world as an orderly, secure place can be severely shaken or shattered. The rupture can be so profound that, try as you might, you just “can’t get over it.” Unquote
I like this because it shows that the event doesn’t have to be something that took hours or years or months to happen it could have been a few seconds that were bad enough to change your total self image and the world around you. This is a very validating statement.
Quote: Developing symptoms as a result of reading this book or being in therapy does not reflect an inability to heal or a hidden unwillingness to heal. Instead, your reactions probably reflect the degree of traumatization you endured, which was not under your control. Your reactions have nothing to do with strength of character. … Remember that it is not necessary for you to remember all or even most of the past in order to function or for healing to begin. Unquote.
Goodness, everyday with my mother was a life or death struggle. You know, I use to know by how hard she hit if she was angry at me or upset about something else. I took it worse when she was angry at me because something inside told me that if I could just change then the next time she hit me it wouldn’t be about this daughter that disappointed her.
I want very much to not think about that life every day. I want very much to not be triggered by a white van, a green Ford, the word Florida, the word fantasize, pleasure or the colour gray or yellow. I want to not flinch when I hear the name of others who have my birth name. There’s an example in the book about a lady who went out dancing and she suddenly realized that it was the first time in 24 hours that she thought of the abuse. I’d like to have a 24 hour relief very soon. Heck, I think that just like they do in AA or NA I should get a One Day Free coin and when I have so many years under my belt where the abuse does not rule my life I should also get a ring or a necklace like recovering alcoholics and drug addicts do
Shesh, their lives were filled and controlled in the same way mine is. They loose their family, their job, the house, the car and threaten their future day in and day. PTSD has the same consequences. Fear of leaving the house, fear of running into my mother, fear in general, my reactions to that fear it all prevents me from working outside the home. When I do get a job I don’t keep it long because the PTSD stuff comes up. PTSD issues influence my relationships and they influence where I’ll move to or why I move from a house. PTSD can break up families the same as addiction can. If the losses are the same then I figure I deserve a ring too. I want my ring.
The truth is nobody is so proud of recovery that they would display a ring or wear a necklace like a recovering addict does. Recovering from an addiction is much less tabu than talking about and working through childhood issues and PTSD issues out loud.
I’ve seen a lot of sites on the web but one that really impresses me is by a guy that calls himself The Godfather. That name is funny to me but hey, whatever right? I thought about his understanding of victimization and the stigma attached to it when I read in the book that the victims of sexual assault are often blamed for what happened to them. With alcoholism or drug addiction you get to use the word disease to explain why you did certain things and it is more acceptable of an apology than the apology from an abuse survivor who acted out because they didn’t have the skills to behave appropriately. Somehow sexual assault is hush-hush in our society to the point where we’d rather talk about an addiction and wear an AA ring than to sport a ring saying we survived rape, we survived incest and we have led a functional life for the past 30 years. Asking for and receiving this kind of acceptance and pride almost seems …odd, uncomfortable, unthinkable and maybe even a little bit foolish.
Today is prevent domestic violence day, cancer awareness day, nutrition awareness day, black history month, gay and lesbian history month, fathers day, mother’s day, bosses day but you’ll have to wait even longer if you want a survivors day on the books. I have to wonder how Hallmark would handle that one. LOL. Damn! That would be kinda hard. Would Macy’s have a Survivors Day Sale with an early bird special? That could get complicated so I suppose that for now I must be satisfied with a therapist and a support system. The truth is, I don’t need the world to recognize that I’m better. I just need them to not contribute to me getting worse. I need them to not get in the way of me getting better.
I sure hope this book offers more than a pat on the back. I want tools. I don’t want to hear “take deep breaths” or “do something you enjoy”. I want answers. I want step by step instructions on how to change my thinking or at least look at my thinking and figure out how it got that way. I want this book to show me how to be free and clear.
I should mention that I didn’t mean any disrespect for recovering addicts. I only mean that it is more acceptable to talk about than surviving sexual abuse.
But I still want my ring!!! I have just the finger for it too.
Joan of Arc for Morton’s Pride
It is written that we should live by faith and not by sight. Because my mind is human and frail I lean towards tangible understandings, things I can see and feel. I depend on concrete images and stimulants to stay grounded and in the present. This is where my coping skills cache comes in. When things go hay wire inside and I want to hide under a table or sit in a corner and rock there are three items that help keep me half way stable until I can get home. In order of importance my coping tangibles are: cigarettes, coffee, token.I’ve been a bit nervous about this whole state wide smoking ban. The campus is said to be totally smoke free by August. Great! One of the things that keeps Joan forward is smoking. It keeps her grounded. There have been times, many times, when the only thing keeping Joan forward was having a cig in her hand. She’s got about a 2 hour max for being in public. After that we go into panic mode and things get hairy from there. If you ask us our name we can’t tell you. If you want to know where we live, we can’t tell you. We can’t get ourselves home. We brake down quickly and end up handing someone our note that Cappy carries telling them to call our emergency contact person so they can come and get us. That is humiliating to have to do.
Joan is our front runner, she takes us to the doctor, to the store, the bank and anywhere else we go outside the house. She handles all outside people except the mother, Morton handles her. When inside is chaotic it’s kinda hard to get everyone completely asleep and stay asleep so that Joan can focus and stay grounded. Sometimes the others pop out while she’s trying to get us to and from places or trying to visit with others like UK or the secretaries at the med center. What Joan does for us is extensive but how she does it is simple, smoking, coffee and a token. If you take out the smoking then we lose a major functioning resource. Joan is the one who walks down the street, gets the mail, interacts with our roommate, talks to Mic or anything dealing with us outside of our apartment area. When the phone rings Joan picks it up. When the door bell rings, Joan answers. If she can’t smoke on campus or in the cab coming home then there are a lot of times when we will simply have to stay home.
Coffee makes up the second part of our coping tangibles. In addition to cigs, coffee can keep me grounded for an extended period of time. The other day I was joking about Folgers having the answer for everything. Well, I was sorta kidding and sorta not. I use to say that I could walk through fire if I had a cup of coffee. It’s that important in my coping skills cache. I didn’t really understand why until a therapist of mine explained that the aroma of brewed coffee carries a similar ingredient in Prozac and that that ingredient assists in mood elevation. I had no idea why I could simply brew coffee and not even drink it but feel better until she explained that to me.
We also use what is called a token to help keep us grounded. We borrowed this idea from a group of clients that we use to see awhile back. We worked with Autistic individuals as well as those with profound Schizophrenia. The Autistic clients carried a token with them that they pulled out when they were losing it or about to lose it. One guy had a playing card that he wrote his name and address on. For some reason that was enough to ground him. He’d pull it out and look at it and you could see him begin to calm down almost immediately. It was quite amazing how it worked, so I figured I could do the same thing for myself. I carry a wooden ladybug that I got at a dollar store. It had wire antennas on it but since I was holding it in my hand and flipping it around I had to take them off. It was just quite painful getting scratched up by the wire so I loosened them and plucked them out. It makes it easer, and less painful, to spin in the palm of my hand and run through my fingers. I keep it in my pocket at all times. They’re supposed to be table cloth weights but I don’t use them for that. Sometimes I clip one right on Captain’s service jacket.
These three things are important to my functioning. When it comes to staying grounded I seem to need something other than the sound of another human voice to keep me in the here and now. It doesn’t matter how much another person tells me that it’s 2006 and I’m safe because a voice is as abstract as the ideas it is spitting at me. Every other voice melts into a sea of other voices, mine, those inside, every voice is the same. I can’t see it. I can’t touch it. I realized how much I depend on visual cues this week end. I was rethinking my living room arrangement when I realized that one item couldnt be moved to another room comfortably. I was going to move my coffee station to the office area but I realized that I needed to see the coffee station in the living room. I spend a lot of time in the office but the living room is where my dining room table is, that’s where the main TV is and it’s where my company sits when they’re here. To move the coffee station into the office would be to remove a symbol of security and a reminder that if I need it I can flip the switch and have Folgers “in an instant.”
I’ve been drinking coffee forever. When I was about 18 I got my first coffee maker. It was a 4 cup Mr. Coffee that sat on my dresser. I knew then that I wanted a whole area dedicated to coffee. Since then I’ve designated a part of the house to coffee. It’s my own little coffee shop or coffee station. Yes, I’m obsessed. I know. But this little area means a lot to me. It’s all mine and set up just the way I like it. Sometimes people would like to have little areas set up for prayer or a certain corner and chair set aside for reading. I have one for coffee. It makes me happy so I do it. Ah, I should mention that I often drink decaf or ½ and ½ so as not to overdose on caffeine. I’ve even cut down on the amount of coffee I drink. I was at 2 twelve cup pots a day of regular coffee. I’m down to decaf 2 cups a day. So, I’m doing pretty good. All I need is to see it and know it’s there and I’m okay. Maybe in August when this state becomes less free I’ll be seen with a full mug instead of a lighter and menthols. I’ve got to do something or I’ll be stuck in this house too afraid to leave.
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