It is written that we should live by faith and not by sight. Because my mind is human and frail I lean towards tangible understandings, things I can see and feel. I depend on concrete images and stimulants to stay grounded and in the present. This is where my coping skills cache comes in. When things go hay wire inside and I want to hide under a table or sit in a corner and rock there are three items that help keep me half way stable until I can get home. In order of importance my coping tangibles are: cigarettes, coffee, token.I’ve been a bit nervous about this whole state wide smoking ban. The campus is said to be totally smoke free by August. Great! One of the things that keeps Joan forward is smoking. It keeps her grounded. There have been times, many times, when the only thing keeping Joan forward was having a cig in her hand. She’s got about a 2 hour max for being in public. After that we go into panic mode and things get hairy from there. If you ask us our name we can’t tell you. If you want to know where we live, we can’t tell you. We can’t get ourselves home. We brake down quickly and end up handing someone our note that Cappy carries telling them to call our emergency contact person so they can come and get us. That is humiliating to have to do.
Joan is our front runner, she takes us to the doctor, to the store, the bank and anywhere else we go outside the house. She handles all outside people except the mother, Morton handles her. When inside is chaotic it’s kinda hard to get everyone completely asleep and stay asleep so that Joan can focus and stay grounded. Sometimes the others pop out while she’s trying to get us to and from places or trying to visit with others like UK or the secretaries at the med center. What Joan does for us is extensive but how she does it is simple, smoking, coffee and a token. If you take out the smoking then we lose a major functioning resource. Joan is the one who walks down the street, gets the mail, interacts with our roommate, talks to Mic or anything dealing with us outside of our apartment area. When the phone rings Joan picks it up. When the door bell rings, Joan answers. If she can’t smoke on campus or in the cab coming home then there are a lot of times when we will simply have to stay home.
Coffee makes up the second part of our coping tangibles. In addition to cigs, coffee can keep me grounded for an extended period of time. The other day I was joking about Folgers having the answer for everything. Well, I was sorta kidding and sorta not. I use to say that I could walk through fire if I had a cup of coffee. It’s that important in my coping skills cache. I didn’t really understand why until a therapist of mine explained that the aroma of brewed coffee carries a similar ingredient in Prozac and that that ingredient assists in mood elevation. I had no idea why I could simply brew coffee and not even drink it but feel better until she explained that to me.
We also use what is called a token to help keep us grounded. We borrowed this idea from a group of clients that we use to see awhile back. We worked with Autistic individuals as well as those with profound Schizophrenia. The Autistic clients carried a token with them that they pulled out when they were losing it or about to lose it. One guy had a playing card that he wrote his name and address on. For some reason that was enough to ground him. He’d pull it out and look at it and you could see him begin to calm down almost immediately. It was quite amazing how it worked, so I figured I could do the same thing for myself. I carry a wooden ladybug that I got at a dollar store. It had wire antennas on it but since I was holding it in my hand and flipping it around I had to take them off. It was just quite painful getting scratched up by the wire so I loosened them and plucked them out. It makes it easer, and less painful, to spin in the palm of my hand and run through my fingers. I keep it in my pocket at all times. They’re supposed to be table cloth weights but I don’t use them for that. Sometimes I clip one right on Captain’s service jacket.
These three things are important to my functioning. When it comes to staying grounded I seem to need something other than the sound of another human voice to keep me in the here and now. It doesn’t matter how much another person tells me that it’s 2006 and I’m safe because a voice is as abstract as the ideas it is spitting at me. Every other voice melts into a sea of other voices, mine, those inside, every voice is the same. I can’t see it. I can’t touch it. I realized how much I depend on visual cues this week end. I was rethinking my living room arrangement when I realized that one item couldnt be moved to another room comfortably. I was going to move my coffee station to the office area but I realized that I needed to see the coffee station in the living room. I spend a lot of time in the office but the living room is where my dining room table is, that’s where the main TV is and it’s where my company sits when they’re here. To move the coffee station into the office would be to remove a symbol of security and a reminder that if I need it I can flip the switch and have Folgers “in an instant.”
I’ve been drinking coffee forever. When I was about 18 I got my first coffee maker. It was a 4 cup Mr. Coffee that sat on my dresser. I knew then that I wanted a whole area dedicated to coffee. Since then I’ve designated a part of the house to coffee. It’s my own little coffee shop or coffee station. Yes, I’m obsessed. I know. But this little area means a lot to me. It’s all mine and set up just the way I like it. Sometimes people would like to have little areas set up for prayer or a certain corner and chair set aside for reading. I have one for coffee. It makes me happy so I do it. Ah, I should mention that I often drink decaf or ½ and ½ so as not to overdose on caffeine. I’ve even cut down on the amount of coffee I drink. I was at 2 twelve cup pots a day of regular coffee. I’m down to decaf 2 cups a day. So, I’m doing pretty good. All I need is to see it and know it’s there and I’m okay. Maybe in August when this state becomes less free I’ll be seen with a full mug instead of a lighter and menthols. I’ve got to do something or I’ll be stuck in this house too afraid to leave.
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