You didn’t hurt “something” that belonged to you. You hurt someone else’s child. I never belonged to you in the first place.
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Trampled and On Liking Cats
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It doesn’t matter how I feel. Violence is okay.
fma
Tag Archive for 'ink on paper'
I don’t expect to ever be free of nightmares. And I don’t expect to ever be free of anxiety or fear or even depression. I think they may be my forever companions and that would be just fine if it weren’t for the fact that I believe in monogamy. If one of these emotions or emotional responses partnered up with me while the others left me alone I just might survive this whole ordeal. But it seems emotional bigamy with a sadistic twist is more the order of the day.
I’d like be free. I’d like to be single….singular.
Art details: The middle image represents me. I’m choked by my past and caught up in swirls of questions and high emotion. There are 3 primary faces in the painting while several others are hidden in color or texture. The three faces have very different expressions, calm, fearful and sad. The main figure in white is faceless.
The blue and white sketch is where this painting began.
Sometimes it feels as if I have a black cloud over my head. It not only rains on me but anyone who stands close to me. I feel like I ruin people’s lives, like I’m bad luck.
Art details: The girl with wild green hair is standing in a red field with a blue sky. Growing around her are 3 larger than life flowers. She’s got two heads, one is large with orange colored lips the second is a child’s head inside the mouth of the first head. She’s holding a large sucker. She’s got holes in her hands and feet. There’s a blue sun with a red eye watching her. She’s standing in a rain puddle.
fma
The discussion during this sketch was about seeking self destruction to prove to ourselves we deserve nothing but pain and humiliation.
Although the man on the right resembles Jesus Christ it is actually an updated image of our main protector Morton. We take our system name after Morton with Morton’s Pride, as in a lion’s pride. The image across his face is a heart as is the image in the center of the dark figure to the far left. The drawing of Morton was created during the beginning of our conversation when I was less anxious. The very last image drawn was the dark figure. I remember feeling shame when I drew the figure in the middle which I suspect is why the flaming flower was used for hair. I often draw flowers in art therapy pieces to symbolize certain emotions I don’t feel safe enough to express in other ways.
When Morton is drawn he’s drawn short, very skinny and without a shirt. He’s usually wearing shorts in drawings of him.
fma
I don’t feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I feel the weight of her memory weighing down on my spine, making every step slow and painful. I feel inept and like everything I touch becomes soiled because I will not allow myself to feel clean. I worry that I’ll feel clean and get comfortable in life then someone will come along and expose my cleanliness as a fraud. I’ll feel stupid, humiliated and like a public spectacle.
Can you believe she told everyone she’s clean and a good person? She’s nothing at all.
This “nothing at all” is what I was called as a child. I was placed in front of the mother and scolded with my head down. I stood beside my cousins and my sister scorned, mocked and humiliated for the most simple mistakes. If I ever began to feel powerful inside it was quickly squashed. Powerful, clean, capable, comfortable, it all feels out of my hands now like if I try to grasp it I’ll be exposed for who she says I am.
F. Mag
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