Tag Archive for 'letters'

Letters to God

Published on June 11, 2009 in Humor. 2 Comments Tags: , .

I recently saw a photo of my aunt posted on her business website. The first thing I noticed is how fragile she appears. She no longer looks big and powerful. She’s no longer the person I remember who had me cowering in the corner. As she held her fist above me all I could see was wood, wood detailing, a wooden door, and wooden floors. When I saw her photo all I saw was an aged woman with bad hair.

My family is made of the strong work horse type. We live forever but we don’t age gracefully. My grandmother is still living. I’ve seen a photo of her. She doesn’t look so strong anymore either. As a matter of fact it looks like if you blow on her she’ll fall over. This isn’t the woman who beat her children with a walking stick. This isn’t the woman I remember who could make my mother a small girl with a word. She too has bad hair.

My other strong genes come from my grandfather who endured  poverty,  served in 2 wars,  survived 3rd degree burns from the waist down then finally lost his life at 87 to his 9th stroke. He’d been through enough. He had nice hair. My greatgrandmother was the “Matriarch of Pain” who finally died  at 95 of leukemia which had gone into remission when she was 5 years old.  She had pink hair. We have many, many family members who made it to their late 90’s all with really bad hair. So here’s the thing, I know my life isn’t going to be easy. I know I’m going to continue to have major trials and tribulations but I ask, I implore, that I not end up with bad hair.

Continue reading ‘Letters to God’

My Kryptonite

Published on April 12, 2009 in Gratitude Journal and Humor. 6 Comments Tags: , .

Dear Friends,

Around 10:30 last night I got a phone call saying a friend of mine was on her way over. I immediately thought, hmm, that’s strange that someone would come over on a day when the house is clean. Came she did and with her she brought a bag of Peppermint Patties. In a frenzy I opened the bag and scarfed. I’m not sure what she blabbed on about because I was too busy stuffing my face. After the 3rd patty I thought to myself, “This is a trick! Nobody brings peppermint in the middle of the night. What does she want?” I wondered through my sugar high, is she here to rob me? This is a set up!

Bringing me peppermint is like bringing Superman kryptonite. Hey look Superman I brought you a gift. He opens it up and the robbers take all his stuff. One could naively conclude she was just being friendly but I’m not that person. Over the top of a patty I kept a suspicious eye on her.

Continue reading ‘My Kryptonite’

Accessory To Murder – A Tale of Two Friends

Published on December 20, 2008 in Humor. 3 Comments Tags: , .

Last night when I couldn’t sleep I entertained myself by fantasizing about the death of one very cruel woman who insists upon hurting my friend. Here’s how it all went down.

(posted with permission from my accessory)

T’was midnight in my breezy city and all were tucked in sleeping save me and the two voices next door arguing. Earlier in the year I set up a small observation center in the corner of the room which allows me to eavesdrop on said neighbor with ease. I ran to the Ops Area and heard an old withered up voice yelling to my young princess neighbor. “How dare she” I thought as I pressed my eye closer to the scope. Knowing my services were needed I grabbed my red duffel bag and rifle and headed over to her apartment.

I didn’t even bother to knock on the door, for I’d made a key when the neighbor was out of town last week. Bursting through the door I yelled to the Old Witch, “What’s wrong with you witch?” The enchanted Princess inquired, “How did you get another key? I thought I told you to stop breaking in to my apartment?”

“Never mind the key”, I says, “Who is this Old Witch with the foul breath who dost blow stink about your palace?”

“It’s my mother, and why are you talking like that? Get out of here. This is none of your business!” Just then the Enchanted Princess jumped on poor pitiful Aussie and stole her riffle with the silencer. Do not fret dear readers for this was all part of the plan.

Continue reading ‘Accessory To Murder – A Tale of Two Friends’

Ladybird and the Aussiemobile

Published on September 18, 2008 in Humor and Pets. 1 Comment Tags: .

Dear Ladybird,

Ladybird

Dear little one, white with a brown spot on her butt, huge brown eyes and even bigger floppy ears. It is my loving duty to encourage you to never again jump from the window of a moving vehicle. I try my best to keep you from hearing words of thunder pour from my mouth but when you go flying out the window with your ears caught in the breeze colourful words will abound. So please, for the love of all that is holy, do not, I repeat, do not jump out of the car window. Thank goodness we were only pulling off or your spotted ass would have been in more trouble than it was already in. Continue reading ‘Ladybird and the Aussiemobile’

Girl In The Box

Published on August 30, 2008 in Humor and Relationships. 2 Comments Tags: , .

Katm- Take the damn meds. Don’t make me fly over there and kick your ass :-)
Did your box ever come?

Dear Kathryn,

The South Korean government has contacted me concerning the contents of your box. Please know that I was kidding when I requested a super fly Korean girl between the ages of 30 and 40 show up on my doorstep. I never expected anyone to shove a woman in a box and mail her to me. While I appreciate the hook up, I don’t appreciate being interrogated by people with “advanced” torture techniques. Therefore I must say, I do not know you nor do I know what box you’re talking about.

I guess there’s no permanent emotional damage to her but she is in need of a chiropractor. Perhaps you should have flown her here. How on earth did you get her in that tiny little box? Let me just say writing the word FRAGILE on the box wasn’t enough to ensure her comfort.

Once this debacle has been sorted out I’ll speak more openly. For now it’s “Kathryn who?”

Sincerely,

The Interrogated

Nope, no box yet. It may be in customs or something.

I do believe my life is a soap opera, a very, very bad soap opera. I layed in bed last night looking at the fake glowing stars on my ceiling then burst out laughing.  Only me I thought, me and some  Hollywood story line. Only Hollywood can make this shit up. Yesterday when I ventured out past my front door to see “the gentleman” aka Chi, I did so only to discover the heifer I went out with a few times works for Chi. She started there a few days ago. Chi is her supervisor. “Lady” is the girl from a disastrous date from awhile ago. She’s also the girl that looks so much like me that there was no way on earth it could have worked out. Had she not been in serious need of psychiatric help the fact that she looks way too much like me would have made us impossible.  It was like going on a date with myself. Not pleasant, not pleasant at all. Do you know how difficult that can make things, dating someone that looks so much like you its scarey? Lady was someone I went out with a few times the second time Blossom and I broke up. I stand by the fact that it has only been three times that Blossom and I broke up.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s a garden waiting for me.

Dear Mr. Chipmunk

Published on August 25, 2008 in For the Record, Humor and Pets. 5 Comments Tags: , , .

Grace Bell and Squirrel Dear Little Chipmunk

Little well dressed rat who hangs on my porch soaking up the sun, your time here is limited. I noticed since the passing of my best pal Captain Crunch you’ve decided to boldly lay on my steps, sit on the arm of my broken down porch swing and dig in the dirt of my dried up plants. Well let me tell you this, don’t get too comfortable. This is a household that must have a dog. So, you do what you need to do while I grieve the loss of my pal, ya little furry disease carrying vermin. Sunbathe on my property if you will. Sit really close to my door if you must. But don’t get comfortable….nope, don’t get comfortable.

If you for some reason slipped into the house you’d be perfectly safe. I’m sure you could beat the crap out of both of my cats. Bella is all hiss and no scratch and Grace is scratch and run. They’re too domesticated to stick up for themselves. Bella might even try to bribe you to let her up from a chipmunk choke hold. Grace will get on her little knees and flash her big brown eyes hoping you’ll feel sorry for her and not swing her by her tail anymore. But a dog, well, a dog would mop you up. I’d have to pick you from his teeth. So listen up and listen real good, YOUR TIME IS LIMITED ya furry little so-in-so……The same goes for you damn squirrels, hanging out by the window looking in at Grace and Bell!!!

Sincerely,
Current Resident of the Human Kind

Photobucket

This is not a squirrel and chipmunk hang out. Look at him hanging out like  some street corner hoodlum.  I believe daily now I’ve opened my curtains to let the sun in only to burst out with, “Oh hell no! They’re taking over the yard. There goes the neighborhood.” This is like adding insult to injury. They know there’s no more threat…not right now anyway. Give me some time, there will be another slobbering, tail wagging, cold nosed K-9 in my life and in my yard. So watch yourselves, watch your little hairy backs.

Little Chipmunk-Monday, August 25, 2008-4:17AM EST

Random Memory: As The World Turns

Published on August 15, 2008 in For the Record and Humor. 3 Comments Tags: , .

School was out and summer was raging on which meant my sister and I had all day to ourselves with just a few simple rules. The first rule every parent sets is, “Don’t have anyone over while I’m gone.” My mother set a few others too. Don’t go outside, don’t go in the kitchen and cook (that was directed at me) and don’t watch soap operas. I believe on this day my sister and I broke every one of these rules. We went and gathered some neighborhood kids, turned on the greatest soap opera ever and sat down to watch and eat popcorn. Right in the middle of the show guess who opens the door, none other than my mother who wasn’t supposed to be home for hours. When she opened the door our friends scurried out, tossing popcorn everywhere. My sister and I sat wide eyed as she loomed in the doorway. She simply said, “I came home early to take you to the Olive Garden for lunch.” She then closed the door and went back to work. When she got home nothing at all was said. We were not punished or even scolded. To this day I remember the look of disappointment on her face and the tone in her voice that said, “I expected you to do right but you didn’t.” I’ll never forget it.

Dear Lilly from As The World Turns,

How amazing it was to watch you every summer when my mother was gone to work. I always wondered if you’d marry the stable boy Holden. Continue reading ‘Random Memory: As The World Turns’