Dear Ladybird,
Dear little one, white with a brown spot on her butt, huge brown eyes and even bigger floppy ears. It is my loving duty to encourage you to never again jump from the window of a moving vehicle. I try my best to keep you from hearing words of thunder pour from my mouth but when you go flying out the window with your ears caught in the breeze colourful words will abound. So please, for the love of all that is holy, do not, I repeat, do not jump out of the car window. Thank goodness we were only pulling off or your spotted ass would have been in more trouble than it was already in.
Continue reading ‘Ladybird and the Aussiemobile’
Katm- Take the damn meds. Don’t make me fly over there and kick your ass 
Did your box ever come?
Dear Kathryn,
The South Korean government has contacted me concerning the contents of your box. Please know that I was kidding when I requested a super fly Korean girl between the ages of 30 and 40 show up on my doorstep. I never expected anyone to shove a woman in a box and mail her to me. While I appreciate the hook up, I don’t appreciate being interrogated by people with “advanced” torture techniques. Therefore I must say, I do not know you nor do I know what box you’re talking about.
I guess there’s no permanent emotional damage to her but she is in need of a chiropractor. Perhaps you should have flown her here. How on earth did you get her in that tiny little box? Let me just say writing the word FRAGILE on the box wasn’t enough to ensure her comfort.
Once this debacle has been sorted out I’ll speak more openly. For now it’s “Kathryn who?”
Sincerely,
The Interrogated
Nope, no box yet. It may be in customs or something.
I do believe my life is a soap opera, a very, very bad soap opera. I layed in bed last night looking at the fake glowing stars on my ceiling then burst out laughing. Only me I thought, me and some Hollywood story line. Only Hollywood can make this shit up. Yesterday when I ventured out past my front door to see “the gentleman” aka Chi, I did so only to discover the heifer I went out with a few times works for Chi. She started there a few days ago. Chi is her supervisor. “Lady” is the girl from a disastrous date from awhile ago. She’s also the girl that looks so much like me that there was no way on earth it could have worked out. Had she not been in serious need of psychiatric help the fact that she looks way too much like me would have made us impossible. It was like going on a date with myself. Not pleasant, not pleasant at all. Do you know how difficult that can make things, dating someone that looks so much like you its scarey? Lady was someone I went out with a few times the second time Blossom and I broke up. I stand by the fact that it has only been three times that Blossom and I broke up.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s a garden waiting for me.
Dear Little Chipmunk
Little well dressed rat who hangs on my porch soaking up the sun, your time here is limited. I noticed since the passing of my best pal Captain Crunch you’ve decided to boldly lay on my steps, sit on the arm of my broken down porch swing and dig in the dirt of my dried up plants. Well let me tell you this, don’t get too comfortable. This is a household that must have a dog. So, you do what you need to do while I grieve the loss of my pal, ya little furry disease carrying vermin. Sunbathe on my property if you will. Sit really close to my door if you must. But don’t get comfortable….nope, don’t get comfortable.
If you for some reason slipped into the house you’d be perfectly safe. I’m sure you could beat the crap out of both of my cats. Bella is all hiss and no scratch and Grace is scratch and run. They’re too domesticated to stick up for themselves. Bella might even try to bribe you to let her up from a chipmunk choke hold. Grace will get on her little knees and flash her big brown eyes hoping you’ll feel sorry for her and not swing her by her tail anymore. But a dog, well, a dog would mop you up. I’d have to pick you from his teeth. So listen up and listen real good, YOUR TIME IS LIMITED ya furry little so-in-so……The same goes for you damn squirrels, hanging out by the window looking in at Grace and Bell!!!
Sincerely,
Current Resident of the Human Kind
This is not a squirrel and chipmunk hang out. Look at him hanging out like some street corner hoodlum. I believe daily now I’ve opened my curtains to let the sun in only to burst out with, “Oh hell no! They’re taking over the yard. There goes the neighborhood.” This is like adding insult to injury. They know there’s no more threat…not right now anyway. Give me some time, there will be another slobbering, tail wagging, cold nosed K-9 in my life and in my yard. So watch yourselves, watch your little hairy backs.
Little Chipmunk-Monday, August 25, 2008-4:17AM EST
School was out and summer was raging on which meant my sister and I had all day to ourselves with just a few simple rules. The first rule every parent sets is, “Don’t have anyone over while I’m gone.” My mother set a few others too. Don’t go outside, don’t go in the kitchen and cook (that was directed at me) and don’t watch soap operas. I believe on this day my sister and I broke every one of these rules. We went and gathered some neighborhood kids, turned on the greatest soap opera ever and sat down to watch and eat popcorn. Right in the middle of the show guess who opens the door, none other than my mother who wasn’t supposed to be home for hours. When she opened the door our friends scurried out, tossing popcorn everywhere. My sister and I sat wide eyed as she loomed in the doorway. She simply said, “I came home early to take you to the Olive Garden for lunch.” She then closed the door and went back to work. When she got home nothing at all was said. We were not punished or even scolded. To this day I remember the look of disappointment on her face and the tone in her voice that said, “I expected you to do right but you didn’t.” I’ll never forget it.
Dear Lilly from As The World Turns,
How amazing it was to watch you every summer when my mother was gone to work. I always wondered if you’d marry the stable boy Holden.
Continue reading ‘Random Memory: As The World Turns’
There are many things in life we should do in moderation, hair gel is one of them.
Dear Pedestrian:
What a hard worker you are, dedicated to your appearance, paying close attention to details. I applaud your resilience, for it must have taken hours with your hands above your head to come up with the stone-like sculpture atop your head. Although I appreciate the work of art I do not appreciate the fire hazard you caused. Had I lit my cigarette and your hair caught fire the city would have blown. You should have thought about your fellow man before plastering your hair with flammable materials. How selfish of you to put style before safety.
Had a tsunami hit, your hair would still be sound as cement. The buildings would have toppled, the ground split open, the seas given up its fish onto the land but your hair would have remained as it was this morning. I am sure the thought would bring a smile of pride to your face. Oh, I understand the need for manageable hair, I really do but that amount of gel is unnecessary. The next time you wish to use that much gel think of Michael Jackson. MJ’s experience was more like a grease fire but you, no you used highly combustible gels with fumes sure to ignite simply because I lit Camel Menthol Full Flavor Kings. Do you realize not even “stop, drop and roll” would have helped you? Please, oh I say please, always think of safety before beauty.
Sincerely,
Citizen Insane
Hair Gel In Moderation - Monday, August 11, 2008-6:33PM EST
Dear Sirs in the white van,
I’m sorry I acted ugly at the grocery store today. When you pulled up behind me and stopped I panicked and spilled profanities. This isn’t because I don’t like people that drive your type of vehicle, it’s because I’ve seen stuff like this on Dateline. I’m not sure what your intentions were but the look on your faces was priceless. You seem to wonder how a short, chubby chick such as myself could muster that kind of attitude in a split second. As the first man exited the van to get into his parked truck he had a good sense of humor about the ordeal. I still wonder if his narrowly missing my car while backing out was payback for me saying how much I’m sick of people bothering me and how the crime rate is ridiculous and criminals should be shot while hanging from the nearest tree. I apologize deeply for insulting your manhood. I’m just happy I decided to leave your mother out of it. What we three learned about this is that you can never really be sure what another person is going to do AND you can’t expect to pull up behind someone in a white van (which is often used in homicidal crime sprees) without getting cussed the effe out.
Again, I apologize from the bottom of my heart,
Sincerely,
Citizen Insane
Don’t ever leave me again, don’t you know I have abandonment issues? You can’t just space out and go on the fritz when you feel like it. What do you think this is? Did you think I’d just wait on you to get your cyberspace act together? I sat, twittled my thumbs, sighed, huffed and did a bit of moaning. After all of that you decided to just come right back up like nothing was ever wrong. You act like you never left at all. Well listen here, I’ll tell you something Mr. Blog! Damn you for going down! Damn you! I needed you and you were not there for me. I depended upon you and you went away. In my time of need, when I needed to hear the clickity clack of puffy fingers on a keyboard where were you? Huh? You were off with your bloggidy head in the cyber clouds. Now you’re back and I’m just to accept you with open arms? Damn you for knowing I would.
Joan of Arc, relieved to be back blogging.
Dear Harley Davidson
Wednesday April 30, 2008 at approximately 2:50PM the unspeakable happened. I was on my way to therapy (thank God because I needed a professional’s help to process what I saw) when out of the corner of my eye was a man who took one of your bikes, painted it cobalt blue then added orange, yellow and red flames. The offender even had a cobalt blue helmet with a flame on the side. I am so sorry this has happened. The only thing that could have made this day worse for me would have been had the offender spun his back tire on the head of a beautiful sunflower. Had said offender done this I’d be in a total state of shock and unable to report his heinous acts against your company and all who appreciate your products.
Continue reading ‘Dear Harley Davidson’
I’ve been getting carrot hiccups for years. Well my wife, Carol, decided to look it up and found your site. I agree that there should be a site to support this odd affliction, and since I’m into blogging and have the carrot hiccups I’ll pick up the gauntlet and start the blog. I just ordered the domain and am waiting for it to resolve. carrothiccups dot com will be up soon. Give it a few days. Of course “The People Behind My Eyes” blog will have an honored spot in the links portion of the new Carrot Hiccups site. So please drop buy and share.
JP
From Hiccups and Carrots Support Group, 2008/04/24 at 7:20 PM
Dear Johnny P,
I feel I deserve a bit more as I’ve been supporting your hiccup group for quite some time. I believe some sort of certificate, some sort of award (preferably monetary) would be more appropriate than a link. Who was there for all you carrots and hiccups people when no one else was? Me. That’s right, me! Who stayed up with you in the middle of the night talking you through the hard hiccup times? Me. And who gave you a place to congregate, to come together for support, understanding, validation? Me. That’s right, Me. And you want to offer a mere link? My gracious, how ungrateful. All the years I’ve poured into Hiccups and Carrots Anonymous and you want to give me a link! All the blood, sweat and tears reduced to a link. That’s what I get for trying to help. I’m nearly swept to the corner instead of hailed like the queen I am. So much for my carrots and hiccups kingdom. There’s been a revolution, my reign is over. Damn you JP. Damn you! Rebel! (Austin stomps off in a huff)
Really though, thanks for dropping by. You gave me a laugh. All you carrots and hiccups people are still welcome at The People Behind My Eyes cause I’m sure you’ve got more problems than hiccups, most people do. Read here about abuse recovery and mental health awareness. See art, read poetry and everyday life entries. Welcome all, the recovered and still recovering from hiccups or whatever. Sit back and get ready. I intend to make you think. Welcome to Sundrip Journals.
Austin
Dear Gracie,
You are in violation of your lease. All renters are strictly prohibited from sleeping with any little ducks. Please refer to page 52 of your rental agreement concerning the “No Ducks” policy. The “No Ducks” section is kitty-corner from the sections that discuss allowed frequency of hairballs, prohibition from sneezing on me and the section concerning not pawing at my eyeballs while I’m in REM cycle. If you scan down to paragraph 6 in the “No Ducks” section you’ll see clearly that you’ve violated your lease. This is your second violation concerning said duck. Page 85 of your rental agreement discusses the consequences of having two strikes against your lease. So that you can continue to rent from Austin Housing Inc please make sure 1) your rent is on time and in full and 2) that you keep your paws off all little ducks.
Sincerely,
Your landlord
Austin
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