Tag Archive for 'medical'

Rest Is For Those Without PTSD

Published
by
Austin
on June 5, 2008
in Dissociative Identity Disorder and PTSD
. 4 Comments

Two days in a row I told myself I was going to lay down for a nap and rest. I found so much to do other than rest. I actually got up and cooked, which anymore isn’t normal for me. I made a small beef steak, potatoes, fresh rolls and snap beans. Now, you let me feel better again and I’ll be content to eat cereal or nuke a can of green beans but now that I’m sick and should be in bed I figure I’ll get up and make huge meals. When I should rest I figure instead I’ll paint or get online and read or pace the floors or, or, or.

Two days in a row now I’ve been so tired my little ones have literally begged me to go lay down. “Can we go to sleep, please?” I can feel my body nearly crumbling under exhaustion. I’m so tired my mind bends and creaks. “Can we go to sleep, please, can’t we just go lay down?” I want to, I really do. When I finally make it to the bed I face the wall so as not to see everything around me. Hypervigilance won’t allow me to rest if I don’t face the wall. Hypervigilance won’t allow me to rest is I don’t have in ear plugs. So there I am, plugged and facing the wall left alone with my racing thoughts.

Continue reading ‘Rest Is For Those Without PTSD’

Off the Mark

Published
by
Austin
on April 22, 2008
in Art, Mental Health and Pets
. 2 Comments

I usually handle the physical pain pretty well but right now I’m an irritable, angry mess. Add in therapy issues and poor sleep and you’ve got yourself one galactic bitch.

I’ve described chronic pain as a pair of glasses made for someone else that I’m forced to wear. I put them on and I’m to adjust my life to someone else’s eyes, a totally different depth of field and understanding of sight in general. I can’t see anything without it filtering first through those glasses. I can’t think straight in this kind of pain. Usually I do okay wearing someone else’s glasses, with my sight off the usual mark. But sometimes my vision is too distorted. My ability to function fails. My responsibilities fall to the way side and all I can do is wait for it to ease up. Usually I handle it pretty well. I go about my day, get stuff done and don’t complain outwardly. But add lack of sleep and therapy issues and I’m just pissed!!! I’m pissed, depressed and physically exhausted. That’s all I have to say about that.

My neighbor is having brain surgery. I’ll be taking care of his dogs while he’s gone. Three dogs, my dog and two cats and a bunch of me….this should be fun. Truthfully, I feel honored that he’d trust me in his home while he’s not there. He loves those dogs (he gives them beer but he loves them) and wouldn’t leave them with just anyone. They’re sweet. I enjoy my time over there. All I have to do is go over and let them out for a bit, fill their water bowl and feed them, that’s all. With my energy level the way it is it feels like a lot but really, I’m happy to do it. I know I just complained about pain and energy and everything but when someone trusts me with something precious I can’t help but accept the joy that comes with it. My twisted glasses do at least let me see that much.

Austin

Faded Moon

This is a shot from the recent full moon taken from the backyard.

Off the Mark
Tuesday, April 22, 2008 – 12:16AM EST

Al-Quida School of Dentistry

Published
by
Austin
on April 21, 2008
in Dissociative Identity Disorder, PTSD and Soapbox
. 3 Comments

In all the years I’ve done dental studies at the university never have I had a negative experience until Friday. Friday I went in for a repeat of the study I did about 3 months back. They used the same machine in the same office. Everything was supposed to be the same but this time I got a student dentist surely once an apprentice to Osama Bin Ladin. The chair she had me in was tilted so far back that my feet were above my head. She had my jaw pulled so far that I tapped her hand and said, “Um…my skin only stretches so far.” She said nothing. The person observing said, “Sometimes she forgets there’s a human being in the chair.” I said, “She had my jaw half across the room.” The student continued.

She had to be told to use the mirror to look at my teeth. She had to be told to use the lamp. When she used the little dental mirror to look inside my mouth she pushed with it so hard against my cheek that it hurt. The dental mirror should not hurt. Okay so now I’m kinda shaky because here’s a woman inside my mouth, it’s hurting AND to top it off one of the workers who happens to have my birth name kept getting paged. Even though she never used a needle the student dentist was really testing my PTSD issues. My mother used needles in my mouth. While a dental mirror isn’t a needle it sure as hell hurts when Bin Ladin’s apprentice is pressing it hard against your jaw. That on top of the worker getting paged pretty much non-stop while the apprentice dug around in my mouth was just a bit much. I figured we might as well top the appointment off with an MRI where the friggin machine sprays dye in my face. Shit, lets just make this a PTSD party. Let us not forget this was also the day of the earthquake. Why I haven’t started drinking is beyond me cause that was some motherfuckin bullshit right there.

In all the years I’ve done studies at the university never have they gone down this path. I’ll keep doing the studies because the money is good. I just have to remember this is rare.

If you do these studies don’t worry, they’re not usually like this. It won’t happen unless of course you go to the Al-Quida Family Dentistry office near you. They’d better be happy they paid we twice as much this time as last time…. the bastards!!!!!

Destiny

Combined Response

Published
by
JoanofArc
on March 31, 2008
in General Chatter
. 8 Comments

This is a combined response-

Nurse McDreamy was sweet. I wasn’t so certain talking on such a personal level to a client was such a good thing but then I guess it was hospital practice cause a tech/nurse/whatever that broke up w/ her boyfriend did too. Some stuff about him I didn’t blog about for the sake of keeping the entry less than novel length but all in all he seems like a nice guy, seems sweet, lives virtually around the corner. His main “flaw” is that he’s a he.

I don’t want to have to be flown to a hospital if I need to go. I don’t want to be so far away from everything that I need a passport just to get to the nearest hospital ya know. Nor do I want people to have to backpack to get to me. In other words, I too like the country not the outback.

The jackass that was so upset about the dye is just that, a jackass. He forgot the human aspect of his job. I got lucky w/ Dr. House though. She was cool. That’s really her name, Dr. House. I tell ya, I thought that was the funniest thing…unfunny is that the hospital cafeteria refused to serve liver pâté on brioche after 11PM. WTF?

I’m home, resting up, sipping tea, coughing up things and such… No therapy for me today. I need a bit more time before stepping out into the world. So, for now it’s just me, the sheets, 2 cats and Cappy. My vacation was soooo not supposed to go like this dang it!

Pneumonia - Not A Girl’s Best Friend

Published
by
Austin
on March 27, 2008
in Art and General Chatter
. 5 Comments

Flower BasketPneumonia is not a girl’s best friend but sunflowers are. Too bad I didn’t get sunflowers instead of pneumonia. I can’t believe this either. So, tomorrow I go IP so they can pump me with their voodoo medicines and probe me with their crazy machines. Captain Crunch will be with his babysitter and the girls will be here with my roommate Barney Fife. God help them!

I figured something out. Pink makes me feel better, as do sunflowers. So I grabbed my pink blanket, put on my pink fluffy slippers, grabbed the pillow with the pink ruffled sham and plopped on the love seat. Happy camper I was. I’m about to make some tea and go right back to the love seat.

First let me introduce to you “Flower Basket”. This little picture here was done a few days ago. She’s just holding a basket with purple buds in it while standing in a field. She’s just come from picking wild flowers in her private paradise.

Later tatters, I shall talk to you all in just a few days.

Austin

Strange Symptoms, Yours or Mine?

Published
by
Austin
on March 18, 2008
in General Chatter and Humor
. 4 Comments

I didn’t get to bed until 5am Monday morning. I set my alarm clock for 9am to call the cab company to take me to therapy. Most of the night my back was killing me.

I talked to a friend today who lives half across the country. She was complaining about her lack of sleep. She said she didn’t get to bed until 5am and that she automatically woke at 9am. She said she was in so much pain she couldn’t believe it. Of course I sat silently on the other end of the phone wondering if I should say something. Then I piped up with, “Are you serious?” I told her when I went to bed and what I set my alarm clock for. I then asked her if this is her PMS I’m feeling. If so, damn you woman, damn you!

This sort of thing happens all the time with me and her as well as me and other friends I’m really close with. So this is what I’ve concluded, before I accept new friendships I will have them fill out a questionnaire. It’ll be to protect us both…from each other. They must be able to pass the “pain test” or as I like to say, they must be in compliance with the “Pain Free Friendship Act.”

Do you or have or have you ever had any of the following? Is there a chance you will ever have any of the following?

Continue reading ‘Strange Symptoms, Yours or Mine?’

Inside A Psych Ward

Published
by
Austin
on February 6, 2008
in Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, PTSD and Therapy
. 6 Comments

So why haven’t I gone in the hospital yet? Is it a matter of pride? Do I just think I can do this on my own and keep my head above water? No, it’s cause I think going in is a waste of my time. Going to the psych ward isn’t the same as it was years ago. You don’t go in for months on months, not usually anyway. Even private hospitals are subject to insurance coverage so a person’s stay is limited. With my insurance I’d be there for no longer than 7 days but more than likely 3 to 4. When you show up to the hospital you go through an interview. The person asks you if you’re suicidal. Do you have a plan, how long have you been feeling this way, do you have a therapist, etc. they get up and call the doctor to see if he’s willing to let you stay. Now, this is assuming there’s a bed for you to sleep in. In Indianapolis several psych wards have closed so the chances of finding a place to go are slim. So, assuming I can find a hospital with an available bed I’ll go in and do the first interview, get accepted and then head up stairs so three other people can ask me the same questions the first person asked me. I’ll fill out some paper work and at least 3 hours later I’ll find my way to a room. It’s a room with two beds. I’ll sleep in the same room next to a stranger. We’ll sleep with the lights out and with the doors closed. I’ll be forced to trust that she won’t get up in the middle of the night. Chances are she won’t but my past says she will so I watch her like a hawk. I’ve never ever had problems with a patient doing that before but ya know with PTSD issues I can’t rest knowing someone else is in the room and we’re in the dark and the door is closed.

Continue reading ‘Inside A Psych Ward’

SERVICE ANIMALS – Psychiatric Physical Neurological

Published
by
Austin
on December 10, 2007
in Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, PTSD, Pets and Therapy
. 5 Comments

(As requested)

Service animals – PSYCHIATRIC

Captain on Therapy Day

The Psychiatric Service Dog Society (PSDS)

This link here gives a description of what the PSDS can teach a psych dog to do for people living with major depression, bipolar disorder, panic, anxiety, agoraphobia, social phobia, obsessive compulsive disorder, dissociative identity disorder, schizophrenia. ****Also includes Psychiatric Service Dogs for Veterans****

Service Dog Tasks for Psychiatric Service Dogs

Detailed list of what a psychiatric service dog can do for a person with for panic disorder, PTSD, depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Schizophrenia, etc. Among these tasks are: go get medication, deliver a note to a person stating you need help, assist out of emotional overload where the person has shut down or severely dissociated, help ease panic attacks. One lady said on TV that her dog helps her manage reality in that if he’s not barking at the person she sees in the window then she can have her mind a little eased that no one has come to hurt her. He helps her manage anxiety and reason in her mind that she’s hallucinating. If the dog isn’t attacking then there isn’t anyone really there. She can take steps to calm and gather herself. PSYCHIATRIC SERVICE DOGS WORK!!

Prescription Protocols for Psychiatric Service Dogs

This is another list of what service animals can do, it’s short and to the point. It covers the same disorders as the service above but also includes Depersonalization Disorder.

Circle Tail, Inc

Circle Tail provides dogs for hearing impaired, psychiatric service dogs, mobility impaired, as well as neurological disorders. They provide adoptions, training and boarding.

Low, low cost training ranged from $3 (three) to $75 (seventy five). This is in the downtown Cincinnati, Ohio area.

Commentary

According to the American’s With Disabilities Act a service animal is an animal that gives assistance in some way to a person with a disability. Check your state for more details. Currently in the state of Indiana cats can legally be considered service animals but you can not take them in public with you like you can a dog. In Indiana if you have a cat as a service animal a letter from your doctor makes him/her legal meaning no deposit and no extra payment each month. However, to take advantage of this by attempting to get 5 or 6 cats as legal service animals will cause complaints from renters and force Indiana to change its laws thereby hurting others. Use this law with consideration for everyone.

Service animals – PYSICAL AND NEUROLOGICAL

Susquehanna Service Dogs – International, also in 26 US States. Balance, hearing and companion only, no psychiatric service dogs. Clients may apply for a need-based scholarship.

Indiana Canine Assistance Network - Downtown Indianapolis canine network for service animals focusing on physical disabilities only.

Release Dogs - highly trained dogs that didn’t pass the final test in the time given available for adoption as in home companion animals.

Helpful Service Animal Links

National Council for Support of Disability Issues

FACTS:

  • Any person with a service animal is 100% responsible for the behavior of the dog.
  • Any person with a service animal has the potential to gain happiness and freedoms at a faster rate than without the dog.
  • Any person with a service animal should have time to keep up with reminder type training to keep the dog on his toes paws and fresh in his/her responses.
  • Any person with a service animal would do well to remember the dog isn’t a pet but a life partner dedicated to making your existence the happiest and healthiest possible.
  • Any person thinking of getting a service animal should know that dealing with the public will change and could be rather stressful at times.
  • Any person with a service animal is a blessed human being.

I hope these will be helpful to you.

Note on cats as service animals: The American’s With Disabilities Act is written in such a way that allows for cats to be used as service animals. You can not be charged extra rent nor can you be charged a deposit the same as with a service dog. This law is federal and supersedes local laws and policies. Policy is not law.

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
Bern Williams

Lupus

Published
by
Austin
on November 23, 2007
in General Chatter and Soapbox
. 7 Comments

What I find disheartening is that I can’t use my hands like I use to. Cutting a piece of chicken the other day I was so frustrated I just stopped. My left hand froze up while holding the knife. But you know what else? What hurts the most is that I can’t paint like I use to. I’ve said ti before, I know, I long to paint again and it bugs me to death that I can’t.

I guess I’m writing to say all this in a non-humorous way. No jokes, just plain and simple. I talk about the ugly bruises, about rashes and I even wrote a poem about dancing to the sound of my grinding joints. But really, my head hangs low. Some days it hits me so hard. I think to myself, “I can’t believe I survived childhood just to deal with this!” No, it won’t kill me but feels like it’s taking everything I love. I use to be a chef. Let me try getting through a meal holding a fork now. I use to paint, real paint. I can’t hold a pencil for 5 min without excruciating pain. I am so pissed, pissed beyond belief.

Part of me wants to know more about Lupus, part of me wants to hide in denial and make it not real.

Please hear me when I say, if you choose to comment do not tell me I’m feeling sorry for myself. The last thing I need right now is your foot in my teeth. If I’m feeling sorry for myself right now then so be it.

Austin

pissed

Published
by
Austin
on November 10, 2005
in Art and PTSD
. 0 Comments


i dont want to go and talk to this man. i dont want to see him. i dont want to go look him in the face for any reason at all. i just dont want to do it.
i’ve got to go and look him in the eye and tell him i was too scared to go through with the biopsy. i walked out. i couldnt do it.
long sigh