Tag Archive for 'medical'Page 2 of 2

pissed

Published
by
Austin
on November 10, 2005
in Art and PTSD
. 0 Comments


i dont want to go and talk to this man. i dont want to see him. i dont want to go look him in the face for any reason at all. i just dont want to do it.
i’ve got to go and look him in the eye and tell him i was too scared to go through with the biopsy. i walked out. i couldnt do it.
long sigh

not good

Published
by
Austin
on November 8, 2005
in PTSD
. 0 Comments

last night after we went talked to the sheriff several times we saw a mouse in the house. we could see him in detail. we could see his little furry ears and his nose and everything. he was so fast which is probebly why people hate mice. he was almost cute to some of us. we didnt kill him because we didnt know how to set the mouse traps.

i didnt sleep very well. i was up until 5am and woke up at 9am. i feel tired and sick inside. i can’t remember what i dreamed but this sick feeling means it wasn’t good.

i also got a call a few minutes ago saying to come back in the the hospital on thursday to talk about the biopsy yesterday. i went but i walked out. i was too afraid to do it. i need to go back to sleep.

me

Compilation

Published
by
Austin
on November 3, 2005
in General Chatter, Mental Health, PTSD and Relationships
. 0 Comments


10:40 AM
Early morning angst

Well, the repair guy doesn’t want me to pay him to fix the other door. I hate when people give me stuff for free. I should tell the sheriff that it’s not just him I don’t want money from.

I’ve got this appointment today at 1:30 PM at the doc’s office for the breast exam. I think I’m ready for it, more so than yesterday.

Aussie

5:22 PM
Breast exam day

I went to see the doc today. I have to have yet another biopsy, a third one. Great! I go next Tuesday at 1pm. It seems that the right side is okay but the left side isn’t.

I had a serious anxiety attack while at the hospital today. I just about lost it. Cap was being a butt and not listening to me. I had him sit in front of me then I bent down and told him, “I need you today. I need you to listen to me.” He gave me a big kiss across the side of my face. I told him I loved him and he was back to his same leader self. In the cab on the way home he had his head on my hand the entire time. I suppose they are allowed to have off days as well. We got home and I took him out to play football for a bit. He likes to chase the football. It’s a half deflated Spalding ball but he loves that thing. When I felt myself panic the next thing I knew Cappy was standing up next to me. He put his head under my hand and his paw on my foot. I knew he was there and we made it home all right. It seems that the last few days I’ve been on the verge of an all out anger blow up. I’m just so angry right now.

I got to bed last night later than intended. I think the last time I went to bed for good was like 4 am. I got up at 10am. I realized that yesterday the only thing I ate was mint chocolate chip ice cream. I was feeling rather badly about that until the doctor told me that since June of this year I’ve lost 30 pounds. He asked me if I felt okay. I said yes. He asked if my energy was okay. I said yes. I was very quiet when he did the exam. He knew I was switched. It was a quick appointment then I left.

The sheriff and I are going to a state park later this month to look at the fall trees. I can’t wait. He’s out at a movie with his son right now. He said he was out paying child support and I thought he was talking about his 15 year old son but he was talking about paying the balance on a vet bill of Cappy’s. He calls Cappy our illegitimate son. LOL. He is too funny.

I need to lie down before I fall down.

Aussie

10:02: PM
More Migraines

My head is killing me. I’ve been having a lot of headaches again. I’m not sure what’s different but in the last 3 weeks maybe I’ve had migraines again. I’m getting tired of the pain.

I’m still exhausted today. I didn’t take a nap. I can’t remember what I did do though. I ate dinner. I had bacon and an omelet. My show is on right now but I may have to skip it for tonight. I usually watch Without A Trace but I’m not really sure I’m up to it tonight. I’ve kept my word that I won’t watch the new show Close to Home. I think it will be too triggering for me. I try to make sure I don’t overload my head ya know.
I can hardly keep my eyes open right now. I’ve got to go lie down now.

Aussie

12:48 PM

Published
by
Austin
on November 3, 2005
in General Chatter and PTSD
. 0 Comments

12:48 PM

After going to the store I took Cappy for a walk at the golf course. we had fun. for some reason I was dead tired so I took a nap. I usually don’t but today i was just beat. i woke up about 2 hours later. it felt like I’d been asleep for 8 hours. i felt rather rested. i think i slept hard. i went back to bed and got up at 10 PM. I’m on my way back now. I’m not sure why I’m so drained but I am. I think I ate something today. I can’t really remember. I may have. I don’t know. I’m not sure.

I have the breast exam tomorrow. I’m not looking forward to that but it is necessary. I suppose one day I’ll get up enough nerve to get an pap. It won’t be any time soon though. It’s important to do that. When they come up with a way to sedate trauma patients while doing it I’ll get it done yearly as I should… until then I’ll play Russian roulette with my female organs. Going to the dentist is just as hard. The last time I went to the dentist I embarrassed myself so badly. I’m not a big drinker but I was nervous and a friend offered me a drink. Well, three drinks later I was drunk. I showed up to the dentist blasted! I got there and made a total fool of myself. First of all, I couldn’t walk hardly at all but evidently I’m an emotional drunk cause I was crying and sobbing and slobbering. It was awful. I suppose the reason for such drastic measures to deal with that visit was that the last time I went I came home and tried to kill myself. I couldn’t deal with the flashbacks. I’m okay with everything but the needles. Needles in my mouth throw me into flashback. I guess too it’s not the needles that made me want to kill myself it was how I dealt with the flashback that pushed me over the edge. I talked about teaching myself to like the pain so I could live through it. Well, when that needle hit the roof of my mouth when I was little I figured I had to learn to like it. So at the dentist when he stuck me with it my reaction was to try and find a way to like it. I was so angry with myself for that. of course guilt and shame kicked in, then Morton was pissed cause he didn’t think he did enough to protect us as children when in actuality it was only him that the mother respected/feared. Anyway, one thing lead to another and I ended up overdosing big time. That overdose was a combo of depression from PMDD as well as the dentist and the flashbacks. After that overdose I became a heart patient. I tried to shut down my heart and lungs with muscle relaxers. I ended up messing myself up and living. That’s how it goes I guess. I know overdoses don’t work. If I ever need to end it meds won’t be the way to go ‘cause I’m living proof that 6000 mg of muscle relaxers won’t necessarily kill you. I fuckin lived. I was on life support then I had pneumonia for two weeks and was unconscious the majority of that time. I came home for a few days and then went back to have a heart filter put in. I was in the hospital for 6 days with that. I came home and had to have shots in my stomach for two weeks and had to have my blood drawn daily for that two weeks. The memory I was running from and the reaction to that memory resulted in a long haul with needles. The funny thing is, the doctor that looked at me last year when I had pneumonia is now my pdoc. That blows me away. He remembers me because of the needles. He remembered why I have a needle phobia. That just blew me away. I guess he was doing part of his residency at that time cause I didn’t see him for psych reasons he said. Anyway, so he’s now my pdoc for the next 3 years. He looks like Ross from Friends. He hee heee.

I have to go back to sleep now.
Milwaukee

Wanted To Purge

Published
by
Austin
on October 23, 2005
in Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Mental Health, PTSD and Therapy
. 1 Comment

This audio post is about wanting to purge the other day.

this is an audio post - click to play

This is the update to the urge to purge:

I didn’t but I sure wanted to. It just kind of came over me suddenly. It seemed to come from out of nowhere. Most of my purging issues had to do with guilt and past issues. I don’t seem to think that I deserve to eat if I don’t work my ass off for the meal. I’m wondering too if the meat had anything to do with it. In therapy I talked about how long I was a vegetarian and why I gave it up. It feels like that was the last thing that was completely mine, when I needed to go carnivorous the depression got worse, not better. I decided to eat meat because the depression kept my energy low and there was very little left to cook right. You can’t be a vegetarian and not eat right or you’ll make yourself sick. I started not just making myself ill but gaining weight left and right. I thought that if I could get a George Forman Grill and throw a piece of meat on it, throw a veggie together and maybe a side that I could improve my eating habits. The anger I feel for needing to make the switch to meat has been something I’ve been avoiding and stuffing for the last year. I was a vegetarian at age 8. For the last year of my life I’ve been eating meat. That’s a major, major life change. I find myself at a loss for new meals with meat because ALL of my cook books are vegetarian, every single one of them are veggie books. I can’t bring myself to buy new ones cause I think it means I have to admit that I may be eating meat for awhile until I can get the depression under control. I just thought that maybe taking meds regularly could speed up my carnivorous prison sentence. Hm. Maybe the therapist wont have to stress me over taking them if I look at it that way. No since in giving her fuel for the fire so I shall not bring it up.

One of my best lines dealing with my independence had to do with being a vegetarian. When the mother kicked me out back in 1992 the then therapist told me I could either make a go of it on my own or eat crow and go back home. I said, “Dr. H, I’m a vegetarian. I don’t eat crow.” I’ve been out of that house since then. I’ve never gone back. The whole vegetarian lifestyle was so wonderful. I look forward to returning to it. I felt better, cleaner, not so bogged down. I still purged back then though… meat or no meat, purging has always been a problem cause it has more to do with guilt for not slaving than it does weight loss or anything else. Anyway, gotta run… it’s late.
Aussie