This is called Three Stars and is far from finished. I still feel like I’m in a creative slump so I’m careful to stop and scan before each major step which is why she’s shown with a white background then one with more color.
(Oil pastel, ink)
Tag Archive for 'mixed media'
There’s too much in these paintings to try and explain everything. I think the 
overall theme is anxiety, rage and grief.
When Dr. D saw this one here he didn’t notice at firs that it’s a human head vomiting up flowers. The head is tilted back and is strangled by a golden rope as flowers “grow” from it’s open, strained mouth. He said it’s disturbing but very well describes how hard it can be to manage what I feel. He said to keep writing, keep drawing what’s in my head and dreams because the work will pay off in healing. God, I hope so. I’d like to try and do a digital version of Flower Pot. I like that it expresses the feeling of being overwhelmed in an accurate but grotesque way. Grotesque is important since there’s nothing comfortable at all about how I’m feeling.
My therapist and I discussed the hanging people. I tried to explain to him that they aren’t suicide gestures but an illustration of how overwhelming emotion can be sometimes. My thoughts and emotions sometimes feel so powerful that it feels as if they could kill me. This is not me hanging but emotions strangling me. One of the things we talked about too is how the figure has evolved from a simple dress-like figure to one with hands and feet to one with distinctive clothing. I commented that perhaps the emotions are getting a little clearer and less generalized. I hope that’s the case. I hope things get clearer in my head.
1. Of the belief that I can come up with some sort of solution to make my problems go away in a pain free manner.
2. Of the belief that I’ll be just fine and won’t crash.
3. Of the idea that I have the ability to destroy the lives of others.
4. That it’s up to me to step in and say the right things and make everything better.
5. That I can keep going without fuel and support no what – false sense of strength. I can’t do this alone or on empty.
6. That I need to rescue my friends when they themselves refuse to act.
7. Of the idea that the pains of others must become my own.
8. That I’ve failed my family, my friends and humanity in general.
9. Of the idea that my identity is reflected in an object ie, the house is clean therefore I’m clean. OCD issues.
10. Of the idea that I’m expected to be the strong one so I should be.
Art therapy piece: Multi-media angel painted on sheet music. She’s holding her hands to release herself…from herself. There are so many circling crayon strokes on this piece which reflects my confused and exhausting path. This is also a layered piece in that it’s printed sheet music followed by layers of crayon followed by markers and food coloring.
This drawing was started while waiting in the doctor’s office. The appointment didn’t’ go that well and I found myself way back in times past.
Drawing details: The woman’s face is split right down the middle. She’s divided in time and space. One part of her holds 2 houses and a giant tree which springs from her hair (her glory). The other side of the face is scared and red. Purple sky spills over into her bruises as well as the house on top of her head. I explained to my therapist that the houses I draw have to do with me attempting to process my past in today’s terms. It’s hard to make sense of. The house holds past experiences and new tapes. Somehow I’m suppose to thrive with them both, make a safe and calm place inside my mind with both there. I struggle to do that.
I’m uncertain how to grow tall when my shoulders feel so heavy and my mind is bogged down by unwanted visitors. I don’t know how to do it.
Concrete city, dark, chaotic, unwelcoming. On paper it looks pretty but would you really want to walk in it alone?
My head has its own community, its own chaotic, lost community. Sometimes we appear to be just fine but that’s only from people who have never walked alone, down the streets of my mind.
Medium: Oil pastel, ink on paper
I don’t expect to ever be free of nightmares. And I don’t expect to ever be free of anxiety or fear or even depression. I think they may be my forever companions and that would be just fine if it weren’t for the fact that I believe in monogamy. If one of these emotions or emotional responses partnered up with me while the others left me alone I just might survive this whole ordeal. But it seems emotional bigamy with a sadistic twist is more the order of the day.
I’d like be free. I’d like to be single….singular.
Art details: The middle image represents me. I’m choked by my past and caught up in swirls of questions and high emotion. There are 3 primary faces in the painting while several others are hidden in color or texture. The three faces have very different expressions, calm, fearful and sad. The main figure in white is faceless.
The blue and white sketch is where this painting began.
I’ve drawn your face a thousand times. Are you someone I use to know or someone I use to be? I know I know you, but I can’t recall your name.
I’ve drawn you with different skin tones and different colored eyes but always the same lips. You always look off to nowhere. I’ve drawn your hair short, black, long, red, brown, curly and sometimes bald. I’ve stretched your nose just a little but mostly kept it the same. Notebook after notebook your face is sketched with big, wide, sad eyes and a question surely ready to spill from your lips, “When will you figure out who I am?”
Emotions:
Deep sadness, barely manageable rage, anxiety
medium: pencil and watercolor with a soft digital filter
art by: fma
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