Tag Archive for 'OCD'

Zombie

Published
by
Austin
on June 9, 2008
in Dissociative Identity Disorder and PTSD
. 3 Comments

This entry may not make any sense but I needed to write it down anyway.

I rub my cheek usually on the right side with the back of my left or right hand. I rock back and forth but try to catch myself and stop. I know when I sway it makes me look strange so I try not to. When nervous I tend to put one hand very close to my neck, laying on my chest. As a kid I use to sleep with my arms bent at the elbow in the air. It seemed to calm me and I could go to sleep. I hate to admit it but I catch myself shaking my head back and forth rhythmically. I feel so stupid when I do that. I count. I don’t leave the house without a gel pen and paper because if I get anxious I’ll need to doodle my way back to a manageable stress level. A pen and pad are very much like my security blanket. When extremely anxious and obsessing over something, refusing to sleep for fear of nightmares, etc sometimes my body will jerk really hard.

Continue reading ‘Zombie’

Random Friday: Now That’s Just Nasty

Published
by
JoanofArc
on March 21, 2008
in General Chatter and Humor
. 8 Comments

Last Tuesday I went to see my therapist. My regular cab driver came to pick me up in his regular attire, a red shirt, a half combed afro and long finger nails. I can’t stand a guy with long finger nails; it grosses me out for some reason. Well, when it comes time to paying the cabby I do so once a month so that I only have to reach up and take the chance of touching him once. But this month I needed to pay him as I went which increased my chances of touching him. So, Tuesday I climbed into the cab, coffee in hand, money in hand and what happens? He reaches back to take the money and I’ll be damned if his finger nails weren’t dirty. Under ONE finger nail was something brown. Oh shit, what am I going to do now? I’m in a cab with a guy who has long finger nails and they’re dirty!!! I’m trapped, like a caged animal I’m trapped!! But I can’t panic. I’ve gotta catch my breath, think, think, think. I figured I could always tuck and roll out of the cab and take my chances with highway traffic. The mug might not make it but so be it. I have to calm down, the therapy office isn’t that far, I think to myself. It was a long ride, a very long ride. He grossed me out so badly I couldn’t even finish my coffee. It got wasted, so I figure the man owes me a cup of coffee.

Other stuff that grosses me out thoroughly and falls under the “now that’s just nasty” category:

Continue reading ‘Random Friday: Now That’s Just Nasty’

A Little Boy’s Charm

Published
by
Austin
on February 26, 2008
in Humor and Therapy
. 4 Comments

Dear Dr. D

Although I find your boyish-like ways charming there are a few things we need to address. I’m okay with how your left shoe is always untied but the hole in your sock on Monday was over the top. I’m okay with the stubble you’ve clearly not bothered to shave and the fact that you walk into my session still chewing the last bit of your lunch. These things make you human to me. I’m able to see you as anyone else. These flaws of yours actually help but yesterday when you failed to wash your hands after lunch I was just grossed out. Orange finger tips from your cheese puffs in addition to the hole in the sock of your untied shoe really made the session difficult for me to concentrate. Please do not make me call your mother and tell her the little boy she raised never grew up and might need help again with the basics. Please do not make me bring in baby wipes. I’ll do it.

Continue reading ‘A Little Boy’s Charm’

Abandon Reason For Today

Published
by
Austin
on September 22, 2007
in Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD and Soapbox
. 0 Comments

I’m not in the least a happy camper, not with what I discovered on the net the other day. There’s a blatant copyright theft of mine on the net and it’s got my head going in circles. Well, had my head going in circles. All I want to do right now is go to sleep. My basic coping skills say stay up, eat something, take care of yourself, etc but my mind says, no, I’d rather crawl under the covers and abandon all the things I know work in self care. Right now my roommate has a cold of some kind which isn’t great for him or his OCD inflicted roommate. See, I can at this point make his cold a direct assault against me because as I said I’m abandoning all reason today. Continue reading ‘Abandon Reason For Today’

Bad Head

Published
by
Austin
on July 28, 2007
in Art, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, PTSD and Pets
. 1 Comment

I have the same thought going through my head again and again. It’s getting on my nerves now. I want it to go away. It would be nice to just go to sleep but I can’t seem to make myself do it. I want my head to stop and I don’t want the same stupid sentence to go through my head for hours on end. I have a bad head today.

I had a dream that I won a contest and I could go anywhere I wanted in the world and I chose Maine. I don’t know why there but I did. And then I had a dream I stole a red car. That was weird.

This is Grace, Bella and Captain. The cats sleep with us but Cap is too big to sleep beside us anymore. He kicks in his sleep. That doesn’t feel too good so he doesn’t sleep with us much. Sometimes he gets up there in the middle of the night but it’s usually when we have a hard time or something. I like sleeping beside Bella the best.

Grace
Grace

Bella

Bella

Best Dog In The Whole World

Cappy Crunch has really soft ears. He’s so sweet.

Me

Saturday-July 28th, 2007- 7:07AM EST 

Half A Meatball

Published
by
Austin
on July 20, 2007
in General Chatter, Mental Health, Relationships and Soapbox
. 11 Comments

An entire week of no Barney Fife seems inviting after his display of grossness the other day. I wasn’t looking forward to his week long vacation away until he decided to gross me out so badly. Usually I keep my head about me and don’t go off babbling statements that could embarrass the gross one right then and there but there are times when I lose my composure and these statements just roll off my tongue. Okay, so I was on the phone talking to a friend when I noticed Barney cooking out of the pan that has now been unwashed for 5 months straight. He goes off if I wash his pan so I don’t anymore. Well, it seems a mouse got in the house and decided to leave a few droppings in said pan the other day. I hardly cook in there anymore because it’s surpassed triflin and gone right into damn ass nasty. I feel I should mention it is an occasional occurrence anymore to see a mouse here. What with two cats and all the mice seem to stay away but on occasion they show up and head straight for his filth filled pan. Okay so, they left their calling card. I figured he would at least then wash the pan. I was on the phone and I saw him cooking in the pan. Out of my mouth comes, “Dear Lord he’s cooking in that pan with the mouse shit. They’re swimming in it. They’re swimming in it. Oh my God. He’s having meatball and mouse shit.” I went on and on and on. Usually I wait to get away before such comments are made but I was in shock. To make the situation seem even stranger is what he was cooking. He had ½ of a meatball sautéing in this dropping stew. That was what he cooked in the pan with mouse crap, ½ of a meatball.

Now, while you’re thinking, what on earth is wrong with that man you must remember he has Asperger Syndrome. So this whole thing with food is classic behavior. My roommate’s disorder is the reason for his “strange” behaviors. For him this situation was perfectly logical. To me it’s perfectly illogical and “damn ass nasty.”

A person has to understand food behaviors and obsessions affect even the highest functioning person with autism. After all, when Barney works he works as a physics professor at a local university, which is also typical of a person with AS. He’s not a stupid man nor is he off his rocker totally. Barney also deals with food hoarding, food obsessions and fear of gaining weight- also part of his AS.

Many times people who don’t have autism look at a person who does with horror. To describe their behavior they use words like, “he’s illogical”, “he has no horse sense” and “what’s wrong with this man is he crazy?” While I may be grossed out by many of his behaviors at least I know he’s not trying to gross me out and he’s not intensionally going against what I know to be logical. Barney is displaying symptoms of his disorder that while totally gross are still symptoms of his disorder and not outright assaults on my attempts to lead a half way normal life as his roommate. I know why he does what he does. Understanding why usually helps me hold my tongue but this time I wasn’t prepared for the shock of ½ a meatball with mouse droppings. Trust me when I say I wish I’d held my tongue. He was so embarrassed.

I told him while he was gone I’d wash his pan because it was for his own good. Several people told me he’d hide the pan. I know his hiding places for food so that’s just fine. I thought to myself, he may pack it and take it with him though. So I headed out to the kitchen to wrap a bag around it (I wasn’t going to touch it) and move it so he couldn’t take it with him. Then it hit me, if I move this pan and he doesn’t see it before he leaves his entire vacation will be ruined! He’ll think of nothing but his pan the entire time. So I sat water in the pan with soap and left it where it was. I hoped when I got up this morning it would still be there and it is. So, while he’s gone I’ll hang it on the fence outside and blast it with the garden hose.

As important as it is for me to never again see mouse crap sautéed alongside ½ a meatball it is equally as important for him to see that his pan is “safe”. He got to see his pan before leaving and I get to make sure I never see such a thing again. We both get our needs met thanks to a garden hose.

Here are a few AS links: Aspergers’s disorder/syndrome and a dissertation by Taina Nieminen-von Wendt may be informative reading for those who want to know more about this disorder.

Austin

Half A Meatball
Friday, July 20, 2007-12:37 noon hour EST

Observations

Published
by
Austin
on July 8, 2007
in Borderline Personality Disorder, Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, PTSD, Relationships and Therapy
. 3 Comments

When my life seems most out of control my OCD issues rage. When I feel I have few choices I seek to control my surroundings so as not to feel so powerless. I’ve noticed this behavior pattern time after time in Morton’s Pride. I’ve noticed that when PTSD symptoms pop up and I see my abuser(s) clearly that I also begin to see dirt everywhere. Suddenly it all has to be cleaned. Everything is dirty. Everything is defiled like the child I use to be. My OCD issues rage during periods where I feel I have little control over things and when I feel the filth of my past.

Continue reading ‘Observations’

Eleanor Roosevelt Quote Revised

Published
by
Austin
on June 28, 2007
in Abuse, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, My reply and PTSD
. 4 Comments

“Remember always that you not only have the right to be an individual, you have the obligation to be one. You cannot make any useful contributions in life unless you do that.”

– Eleanor Roosevelt

I found this quote on nadcesca’s blog but I wasn’t able to leave a comment there because I got an error message. So I’m leaving it on my blog. I really like this quote and I think it works well revised.

“Remember always that you not only have the right to ERASE OLD TAPES , you have the obligation to YOURSELF. You cannot make any advancement in your life unless you do that.”

“Remember always that you not only have the right to be a SURVIVOR, you have the obligation to be one. You cannot make any real advancement in life unless you do that.”

Mercy and Peace

What I mean by the statement above is that I will have to fight myself doubts, fight my past and fight my present state of mind to get to where I need to go. I’ll have to battle with my abusers for space. I’ll have to tap resources to get my needs met. Healing will be an uphill battle that I plan to win. Changing thought patterns, changing old coping skills will have to be done “by force” through therapy, through journaling, through art, through friendship and connection. These things I’ll have to force myself to do sometimes because my strength gets low and my spirit fades. Most of the fight is with myself but as I said, I plan to win and be at peace in my mind. The ultimate goal is healing, it always has been.

Austin of Sundrip

OCD Chronicles and Confessions

Published
by
Austin
on June 18, 2007
in Borderline Personality Disorder, Humor and Relationships
. 6 Comments

I think I’ve cleaned every corner of this house this week end with Blossom here. I washed the windows, the windowsills; steam cleaned the carpets again and did 3 loads of laundry. I even dusted the entire house. It needed to get done; I had the energy to do it so I did it. After that I made turkey and dressing, fresh spinach and candied carrots. Before I could even serve it Blossom coughed over it with her mouth uncovered. I was furious. Later that evening she coughed the same way and sprayed shit all over my hand and face. I calmly walked to the restroom and showered it off. If that wasn’t bad enough, she later began making a pot of coffee and decided that instead of getting a towel to dry the pot she’d use her handkerchief to do it. She pulled her nasty ass hanky from her back pocket, the same one she’s been using for 4 days now and wiped down the coffee pot. I couldn’t believe my eyes. My coffee pot had just been wiped down with a snot rag. To my surprise my roommate found this act quite vile. If a person can gross out my roommate they’re good and gross cause that man is nothing short of triflin’. “You want some coffee Barney?” “Uh, no, no I’m good.” Needless to say it wasn’t a pleasant weekend. That girl knows how to upset OCD issues but you do not have to have OCD to find her behavior nasty.

Continue reading ‘OCD Chronicles and Confessions’

I’m Not My Mother

Published
by
Austin
on June 18, 2007
in Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Mental Health, PTSD, Soapbox and Therapy
. 8 Comments

I actually called myself by my birth name this weekend. I can’t believe it came out of my mouth. I usually call myself Austin. Heck Blossom calls me that too. It just comes out, Austin this, Austin that. So I was looking for whatever and couldn’t find it and said, “Okay (insert birth name) where is it?” Usually I would have said, “Okay Austin, where is it?” I was shocked that name came out of my mouth. I think it might have happened because I ran into an old school mate who called me by that name.

Last week in therapy Dr. T and I talked about characteristics of my mother’s that I do not have. I told him I recently added a bit of red to my hair like when I was little because I look just like my mother. It’s rather disturbing to look in the mirror and see her. I’d rather look like my father so I added a bit of red, just a bit mind you. This lead to the discussion that I may look like my mother’s twin but I’m not my mother. I listed a few things that we don’t have in common. I have my mother’s lips. I have my mother’s hands and facial expressions. But I don’t have my mother’s spirit. I do not have a love for violence, for violating others, for humiliating or demeaning. I have my mother’s shape but I do not have my mother’s personality. I have dark hair like my mother but I do have a dark heart like hers and I do not find pleasure in the pain of others. I try to remind myself of these things when I see her reflecting back at me in the mirror. I look like her but I’m not her.

One of the things my mother and I also have in common is OCD. She likes to laugh and so do I. My mother is quite spontaneous. I’m not spontaneous but we share a love for art and poetry. She’s interested in cultural history as well as language arts but she’s not interested in how you feel when she’s hurting you. My mother likes the colour gray best on the colour spectrum. She likes her ice cream soft and prefers butter pecan to any other. She loves nuts, diet Pepsi and Snickers candy bars. I happen to like them all as well. My mother and I have tastes that match like our love of cars and choppers, the country side, historic landmarks, caving and tennis. Even so, we do not share a lust for offering up pain. So no matter what traits we have in common it is the things we don’t share that makes looking at her in the mirror tolerable.

I have her hands. I have her face and her body type but I’m not my mother.

 

Update: A Nike ad says perfectly that we may look like our parents but we are not them unless we choose to be. Image compliments of Jigsaw Analogy .

Austin

I’m Not My Mother
Monday, June 18, 2007-7:46PM EST