Yes, my mother was creative, even artistic…. as was Hitler, John Wayne Gacy, Charles Manson and Fernando Eros Caro. Fernando could lay down some paint, I mean to tell you, and Hitler wasn’t too bad himself. Hitler even wrote a beautiful poem about his mother but I assure you no amount of creativity can overshadow what he was and what he represents. In the same way, no amount of angelic sound or beautifully painted words can mask my mother’s black heart.
Continue reading ‘The Other Side of Mother’
Tag Archive for 'sex offenders'
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(updated below)
When this 4 year old child gets older someone will have to explain to her that the man who raped, strangled and beat her may once again walk the streets because Indiana has yet to pass a law which allows for the death penalty in child rape cases such as this.
I strongly believe in the death penalty for child rape. I also believe that Logansport, Indiana has a candidate for poster predator while lobbying for such a law.
Note to the predator and predators we haven’t heard of yet
I’ve been rather quiet lately because of a few local stories as well as one national story. After hearing about Sandra Cantu I heard 4 different case in my city where 4 different CHILDREN were charged with possession and distribution of child pornography because they took photos of THEMSELVES and sent them to their peers. Because they did this they could be jailed and placed on the sex offender registry for the next twenty years. Two of these children are sixth graders who thought it might be funny to send photos. Between one dead child and the systematic destruction of four others I needed to walk away for a bit. So that’s why I’ve been quiet lately. Now onto Saundra Cantu.
The news said Sandra Cantu was raped before she was killed, stuffed in a suitcase then tossed in a pond. When I read it my own experiences were shamefully validated. I figure the public now knows a tiny bit about female to female sexual abuse and assault. I know many people thought to themselves, “How did she rape her?” They might have thought it wasn’t possible. This one story known across the country and perhaps further gives the average person a bit of insight where they once didn’t have or want any.
While the news validates female to female abuse stories I’m bothered that many shows report the case with near sympathy for the accused. What I mean is they concentrate on how tearful she is during proceedings. As a matter of fact my local news person turned her head to the side in a rather emotional way when reporting Huckaby’s tears. In addition her guilt has been questioned because she is a mother with a daughter the age of Sandra as if somehow a mother wouldn’t hurt her child’s friend. What I’m getting at is this, questions, excuses and “rationalizations” arise that normally wouldn’t simply because the accused murderer and rapist is female. If this were a man we wouldn’t think twice about guilt or innocence. We’d be rightly disgusted and terribly disinterested because of how common it is. Truth be told, Sandra would not get the amount of news footage she’s getting had her assailant been male. This is wrong in every way. Equal prosecution for offenders, equal coverage for victims of all economic levels. No free passes. No excuses.
In 4 hours Michael Jackson sold 750,00 tickets for his good bye concert.
Translation: In 4 hours 750,000 people turned their heads and willingly ignored the safety of children. In 4 hours 750,00 people told Michael Jackson it’s okay to be a pedophile. Seven-hundred-fifty-thousand people slapped every survivor across the globe in the face. Thanks for that. Have a good time at the concert.
When Chris Brown savagely beat Rhianna his music was ripped off music stations quickly. I was proud that so many took a stand against his violence. Not many are willing to make jokes about this type of domestic violence but when it comes to pedophiles hey, let the jokes fly. I can guarantee you Leno and Letterman will have a field day with child molestation jokes.
Austin
After reading Enola’s entry outlining the outrageous and baffling comments by a lawmaker, reasonable people could feel nothing less than sadness, despair and heart stopping fear for the degraded condition this society has settled itself into and gotten comfortable in. Her entry outlines a defense attorney’s horrific comments as he discusses child rape and the death penalty. The YouTube presentation is one that I personally will remember. His words are here: “I’m going to make sure that the rest of their life is ruined, that when they’re 8 years old, they throw up; when they’re 12 years old, they won’t sleep; when they’re 19 years old, they’ll have nightmares and they’ll never have a relationship with anybody.” Clearly he has never heard of the ideals behind the Decleration of the Rights of Children or it’s amendments. If he had any idea at all what it means to do the right thing he would have kept his mouth shut. If he had any listened to himself just once he would hear himself go against every single idea there is behind caring for and loving our children. Continue reading ‘Declaration of the Rights of the Child’
It’s not as if anyone ever gave us a choice before. It’s not as if our wishes, our needs and wants mattered one single bit. What happens in these situations where we think we should have done this or should have done that is we’ve taken responsibility in the very manner we were taught to. We were either outright told it was our fault or we were told that if we didn’t do it there would be major consequences to pay. Real options were not offered because the real concern was not you or me but the abuser and how he or she could continue perversions without interruption.
When I think about my cousin, the one called Wolf, I feel so horrible inside. You know why I didn’t tell way before it became painfully obvious? Because he said he loved me. The only person in the world that took it from me and told me he love me, told me he was addicted to me, couldn’t get enough was him. He loved me. I liked his stories, his jokes, his attention. I couldn’t tell on someone who loved me and someone I thought I had fallen in love with. There’s an odd story to tell. What would I say he did wrong? For me, trading the “I love you” and the funny stories and the jokes seemed like nothing compared to how my mother beat me before she took it, how my uncle put a gun to my head the whole time. I was scared of Wolf sometimes because of things he did to animals but if you ask some of me he never laid a violent hand on me. His respect, wow, I can’t believe I just typed that word, his respect evil attention turned from me to my sister and I was furious but not before severely humiliated by my mother and the rest of my family. One day when he called me down to the basement for more the family was quite irritated that I walked down there. Man was I in trouble. The whole ride home the mother said, “Everyone knew what you two were doing down there.” I was so humiliated. I thought, she knows I have a boyfriend. I wondered if she was going to take him away. You can see how confusing things get. Boyfriend? Hardly. My goodness, what else did I know but this type of service? They’d all been doing this to me since I was three. As Beauty said, “You get use to it.” But I have to add, you also understand deep inside that the choice to not “let them” was more costly than “letting them.” What other decision does a person make but to comply, especially when they’ve been conditioned to for so long?
When dealing with someone elses perversions at such a young age our brains are not given the right of passage untouched children are given. (That right of passage doesn’t come along until well in our healing years.) Our reasoning ability was based on their lies and their deceptions. What we concluded and still conclude about ourselves is based on information they gave us. How on earth would we ever paint a self portrait with anything other than guilt? If you are only given one crayon you can not paint a rainbow. Your options are limited. Our options were limited if at all.
These days, my adult days I find dealing with the abuse harder than dealing with it as a child. As a child I had limited resources, limited information and because of my age very little reasoning ability. As I grew older and saw more of the world that is when the deepest shame set it. That is when I realized just how wrong things were and when I really began to settle with the idea that it was all my fault.
As an adult I can draw upon this and that experience and conclude my childhood and early adulthood was riddled with abuse and I could have, should have done something to stop it. As a child all I could think about was that I was doing something wrong. I was dead set on finding it. I did internalize it but I was still motivated to find an answer. The same information about my abuse is available to me now, nothing more, nothing less but now it tires me, sometimes it cripples me. This is because as an adult I have much more reasoning ability. The problem is, I still reason with the lies and guilt forced upon me. And I take those lies and that guilt and compare them to this and that experience then conclude that I could have, should have done things differently. But really, I couldn’t have. I was a child. Even when I was physically no longer a child the will I had to make them stop was broken long ago. I had been crippled by fear so long ago.
Funny I should read the two entries tonight on this very subject. Tonight was another one of those nights I jumped out of the shower vomiting due to a flashback. I felt so stupid hanging over the sink like that. Argh! The anger was as strong as my retching. I couldn’t believe I’d still respond that way. But why wouldn’t I? We don’t just walk away from that and a few years later we’re free of their conditioning. It is their conditioning that makes us question ourselves and makes us blame ourselves. A good liar is one who can tell a lie, have the person listening know it’s a lie but still respond to the liar as if they were a truth telling saint. They were and are liars! They’re liars and they were such good teachers. Even after all these years we still fall back on early lessons about who we are, about self worth and ultimately about guilt.
However, there are days I hear the lies for what they are. When my soapy self is hanging over the sink throwing up because of a flashback I’m not just angry I’m moved to not give up. When I have days like this when stuff comes flooding back so fast I can’t seem to stop it my first reaction is anger but it’s the sort of anger that drives me to ensure that I become the woman I was supposed to be. They lied on me and to me. I want to yell to them, “It was your perversion then but it is my life now. I can not hear you.” Today I can not hear you. That silence is such a gift. “You can not do this to me anymore. I’m not that little girl anymore.” Oh it makes me so angry that I have to keep going, must keep going for me or I start feeling like that little girl again. I can’t be that little girl again.
You guys I get what you’re saying. Please get what I’m saying. What you’re asking yourselves, what I’ve asked myself is based on lies and deceit. Can you hear a voice that’s not lying to you and that has no gain if she were? It’s their fault. They lied, they deceived and they taught us all how to take it as truth. It is this which makes survivors ask, “What if I’d told sooner?” The blame is theirs, solely.
Austin
For Beauty, Enola and survivors like us.
This Perversion Does Not Belong To Me-Saturday, December 01, 2007-4:27PM EST
It makes me sad. Sometimes I resent the whole I’m going to therapy thing especially when the cousin comes up. We talked about the cousin and about the lack of male influence growing up, about the vast majority of women in my family hating men but being closet lesbians. There were 2 boys in my life growing up, my older male cousin aka the wolf and my younger brother. Wow, I just smiled when I wrote “my younger brother.” We steered the conversation away from him and ended up talking about Robert and how he identifies with two abusers. We talked about how my adult male cousin is the only person in the family to pay for his crimes. I wonder if he had grown up differently if he would have hurt his girls? Even still we all have a choice. We have a choice to hit or not hit, to harm or not harm. People can get help. There is no excuse for abuse, none at all. People have a choice not to hurt. We talked about the mother choosing to hurt her children, choosing to not get help. That hurts so much, to know not only did she choose to hurt us she enjoyed it. That makes me angry.
We talked about me holding the baby on Monday and how it felt to do so. I didn’t freak out when she handed her to me. I didn’t run or try and sanitize the baby. No OCD issues at all as a matter of fact. He asked how it felt. I told him I like kids. He noticed the glow when I mentioned my foster boys. He asked how it was that I was able to be a good mother when I was never shown how to be one. For me motherhood came naturally plus I could relate to the boys and their fears.
We talked about how abuse gets passed down from one generation to another. I understand that. I’ve said it before, there are 6 generations of abuse in my family. I’ve heard stories from 5 of them because 5 generations were alive at one time.
I know my mother saw herself in me and I understand that. I understand the idea that a mother can look at her child and see the child they use to be. I understand looking at her and thinking you hate her because you see yourself, the weak, hurt, scared little knock kneed kid you were. I look in the mirror and detest the reflection of the scared child I use to be. But still, stand back and take a good hard look. She’s not you. I wasn’t her and I deserved a chance to not feel like she did. Because I do know how she felt it’s her fault, not the fault of the person that abused her. This is on her, it was her hand that hurt me and her apathy that allowed others to hurt me because she didn’t see me (herself) as worthy of protection. But you gotta draw a line between you and your child somewhere. Why, cause it’s right to do so, because it means her future health to draw that line.
Think about this, why on earth would you put her through what you went through? You can’t destroy yourself or your past through another person especially a child. Making the choice to do no harm and figuring out a way to follow through on this goal is vital for yourself and for generations to come. Do not pass this down! If you wouldn’t consciously pass down AIDS or ovarian cancer, breast cancer or any other deadly disease why would you be willing to pass down abuse? It is unnatural to hit and abuse, it is natural to love but sometimes anger from the past snuffs out our will to let love abound. Please, for the love of God do not pass this down!
Austin’s August
Will You Choose To Pass This Down?
Wednesday, November 14, 2007-6:31PM EST
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