I’m going to go ahead and go in patient at the stress center for a few days. Stuff is just a bit too much to handle right now.
All comments are in moderation until I return.
Austin
Tag Archive for 'suicide'
Joan to Amy Smiles: Evidently it’s okay for Grace to hurt Bella
Morton: Okay then, find Grace a home.
Joan to Morton: Seriously?
Morton: Sure, and when you finally get it through your thick head that this is too much loss for us and that it’ll turn Bella’s world upside down then you can go knock on their door and ask for that dreaded cat back. Then when Maureen gets back you can tell her that in addition to losing our dog and telling Blossom to hit the road that YOU gave her cat away. You wanna do that? I didn’t think so. Now shut the fuck up about it. She stays.
Joan: Whatever!
Destiny: You’re setting yourself up to have no reason to be here and he’s not going for it.
(Morton nods his head in agreement)
Joan: I just don’t like her.
Destiny: It’s more than that.
(Morton nods his head in agreement)
Destiny: You said a long time ago without Captain here you’re free to go. We know you too well. for it to just be that you don’t like the cat and now she needs to go. Its you who wants to go but we’ve got Grace and Bella to take care of. You’re not free to go.
Morton: Bell is use to Gracie and she’s not helpless.
…………………………..
Yesterday Barney asked me if I’m going to get another dog. I said yes. I don’t know when but I know it won’t be all that soon.
Since I jokingly call him Barney Dad or Papa (usually when I want something) he’s decided he should meet the mother of his child. I told him he didn’t really want to do that. He asked if she’s pretty and how old she is. Yikes!
My doctor and I have been discussing my suicidal tendencies, urges to self mutilate, rapid switching and hospitalization. So far there’s a no go on hospitalization but it’s not totally out of the window. I’m having a really difficult time stabilizing. I keep switching repeatedly. I can’t hold a conversation to save my life. I can write stuff down but to say it out loud, anything much out loud, doesn’t seem to work. I haven’t made any phone calls to anyone because of it.
In therapy I’m sure I look like a fumbling idiot. I switch so fast. One person can be right in the middle of a sentence then just leave. The other person out tries to finish the sentence but has no clue at all what we were talking about. We are not really sharing space as well as we have before so it leaves the next person out rather clueless… and embarrassed. Our functioning has shut down because of our inability to concentrate on things. I think I’ve visited a few blogs in the last few days. If for some reason I don’t show up at your blog know it’s because I can’t seem to keep it together for very long. I hope to get my head back soon. If I end up in patient I’ll send out a general email to a group of you that know one another. I also have a way to have someone post a short and sweet entry here on Sundrip. Hopefully this won’t need to happen.
So what happens to Captain if I go in? He’ll be next door with his 3 buddies. Always good to know a neighbor will step in when you need it. The girls can be cared for over here by my roommate. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind filling their bowls once a day and cleaning out the box. I don’t see him having a problem with that. Captain would be a bit much for him though.
That’s all for now,
Austin
Last night when I was in bed I rolled over and thought to myself, you know what? I’m done. It scared me. It scares me how easily I break anymore. When I thought it I realized I needed to try and put a safety plan in place, make sure I don’t get to the point where I screw up all I’ve worked for. After that thought went through my head it occurred to me that what I’m doing day in and day out is not enough to sustain me emotionally, physically or spiritually. I can’t feed this depression and expect to feel better. I am trying hard to get better and not simply give in.
I know a lot of the issue is Blossom but it’s also my dreams, flashbacks and other stuff I don’t even bother to blog about. I also don’t seem to handle physical pain well anymore. I stay at a 9 out of 10. It’s not as if I haven’t stayed this high before it’s that it’s getting old. I don’t handle the pain that well anymore. This stupid writs of mine can’t just be spraned. I think there’s something more wrong with it than that but going to the doctor to hold my hand out just isn’t something I can do without feeling a dowel rod come down on them. I can’t do it. The one thing I could never dissociate far enough from was dowel rods on the palms of my hands. I can not hold my hand out, palm up and not panic and come home safely. The wrist is a small drop in this bucket. I feel tapped and tired. Hopefully, more than likely it will pass. It seems harder each time though. I feel like I have less to fight with each time. I’m sorry to say that……sorry about that…
Joan of Arc (w/ Robert close by)
I had a conversation today about why it is a person would commit suicide. The person said to me that she decided a long time ago there is nothing so bad in this world that she needed to end her life. I listened, I was glad to know she plans to stick out her healing process. When a person makes a resolve to stay alive I support it but it doesn’t mean I don’t understand why someone would take their own life.
Let me first say that suicide is a very touchy subject. There are many survivors of suicide victims and there are many who feel suicidal. I for one feel suicidal quite a bit, especially with the way therapy has been going these last few months. Please know what I’m saying here doesn’t condone or condemn suicide. This entry will not go into the religious aspect that some put on it and it will not go into if it’s right or wrong but simply the mind set of a person (me) who has not only seriously considered suicide but attempted it. The other reason I’m writing this is because I’ve read on 3 different blogs about people feeling suicidal so I figured I’d go ahead and write my thoughts on why it is I can be driven to such extremes.
For Survivors of Suicide
Support Groups for Suicide Survivors
Responses and Emotions
Needs
Help and support
For those who are suicidal and information about suicide
Older Adults: Depression and Suicide Facts - from NIMH
How common is suicide among older adults?
Older Americans are disproportionately likely to die by suicide.
- Although they comprise only 12 percent of the U.S. population, people age 65 and older accounted for 16 percent of suicide deaths in 2004.1
- 14.3 of every 100,000 people age 65 and older died by suicide in 2004, higher than the rate of about 11 per 100,000 in the general population. 1
- Non-Hispanic white men age 85 and older were most likely to die by suicide. They had a rate of 49.8 suicide deaths per 100,000 persons in that age group.1
- What are the treatments for depression in older adults?
- Are some ethnic/racial groups at higher risk of suicide?
National Strategy for Suicide Prevention
A collaborative led by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. Discusses race, age, gender and gender identity as it relates to suicide. Very helpful site.
National Organization for People of Color Against Suicide
A not for profit organization founded by three African American suicide survivors with the goal of educating the minority community about suicide and suicide prevention. Native American suicide and African-American suicide rates and help offered here.
The Kristin Brooks Hope Center, This links to an extensive database of information about suicide, those at risk and help available to them.
1-800-SUICIDE (800-784-2433)
Mental Health Links - Bipolar, Schizophrenia, Depression, PTSD, as it relates to suicide
SAVE.org
The #1 cause of suicide is untreated depression. SAVE is committed to the education of the general public about the depressive brain diseases (such as clinical depression and bipolar illness) that can result in suicide if left untreated medically and psychologically. By educating the general public about such brain diseases, SAVE strives to remove the stigma associated with these diseases.
12:00 midnightI feel very uncomfortable, very on edge and much filled with anxiety and … discomfort. I don’t even know the right word for this. Its not depression. The scripture about how guilt is rottenness to the bones keeps popping up in my head. But guilt and worry are not the main reason for why I feel so .. whatever it is I feel.
While I am thinking about exiting I know I can’t actually do it. It does no good to think about it then right? I guess not. I guess that’s why I’m journaling and not trying to come up with a plan to exit successfully. I was going to hang paper and paint but I’m worried about doing that. I know that overdoses don’t work. I’ve tried too many times. When I can take 6000mg of a muscle relaxer and live then overdoses don’t work. When you back that up with whiskey and other pills and you live then its evident that overdoses don’t work. The only successful way is with a gun, that’s what I believe anyway. I’ve touched a gun only once in my life. I was in high school when I did that. only after I pulled the trigger at my temple did I discover that there were no bullets in the gun. I’ve never touched one again. I don’t like guns. I know how it feels to be shot and live. Anyway, I’m not a good shot. There’s a possibility that I could miss ya know. I could fuck it up and live with half a face or something stupid like that. my main focus is Captain. I can’t leave him here. This boy is way too attached. It would also fuck up Mic and other close friends of mine. What about Barney? I mean, how would he deal with it. I have no real connection to him but if I had a renter blow her head off I think I’d have a few emotional difficulties for a time. Again, the biggest thing is Cappy. I can’t just up and leave him ya know? I know Mic would take him but that’s not the point ya know. it’s not the point at all. The point is that he’s attached to me. The boy won’t even eat without me in the room. For the last week I’ve gotten up in the morning with him right next to me. He usually is there when I fall asleep but he usually doesn’t stay the entire night unless he knows I’m not doing well. He’s been beside me the entire night for the last week or so. He knows I’m teetering on the edge here. If he cares as much as he seems to then what makes me think pulling the trigger would be a return of affection? It wouldn’t be. He’s selfless. I can’t just make all his work and dedication mean nothing ya know. I’m sure he wouldn’t process it that way but the thought of him not understanding is worse than the thought of him process it and feeling that he didn’t do enough ya know. So I won’t be leaving him this way, not by my own hand.
I haven’t even picked up a razor blade this week end like I’d hoped to. I’ve not done anything physically destructive in any way shape or form. I stayed busy today. I did laundry, made a meal, cleaned my area and did some stuff in the kitchen. It was a full day. I then watched the show Cat Woman. That was slightly triggering in that one could say Cat Woman in that movie had DID. I also started to miss my cat. I think I may have hit on something here. The feeling is regret! That’s the feeling. I knew it wasn’t depression. it’s regret. I can’t even look at pictures of her without wanting to ball up and cry. As I typed that I became teary eyed. I miss her so much. I was stupid to let her go. I have no idea where she is or how she is. I miss her so much that it hurts. I just wish I could get her back ya know? I mentioned in the audio blog that whatever I was feeling was not depression and that it’s overpowering and all consuming. I wasn’t sure of the word but it’s regret and it’s grief. Perhaps letting myself cry about it would be better than pushing that thought away ya know. Maybe letting myself grieve for that stupid act is better than pushing it behind my eyes. I think pushing it back may be pushing me over the edge. It just makes me feel so damn sad that I gave her up. I don’t get attached this way so I’m not sure why this cat and why now. But it was that cat and it is now. So maybe Monday’s appointment will have to center around this regret and grief.
Maureen with Milwaukee
Hang
she grabs her magazines
she packs her things and she goes
she leaves the pictures hanging on the wall, she burns all
her notes and she knows, she’s been here too few years to feel this old
he smokes his cigarette, he stays outside ‘till it’s gone
if anybody ever had a heart, he wouldn’t be alone
he knows, she’s been here too few years, to be gone
and we always say, it would be good to go away, someday
but if there’s nothing there to make things change
if it’s the same for you I’ll just hang
the trouble understand, is she got reasons he don’t
funny how he couldn’t see at all, ‘til she grabbed up her coat
and she goes, she’s been here too few years to take it all in stride
but still it’s much too long, to let hurt go (you let her go)
and we always say, it would be good to go away, someday
but if there’s nothing there to make things change
if it’s the same for you I’ll just hang
the same for you
I’ll always hang
well I always say, it would be good to go away
but if things don’t work out like we think
and there’s nothing there to ease this ache
but if there’s nothing there to make things change
if it’s the same for you, I’ll just hang
Matchbox Twenty, You Or Someone Like You
have you ever been so unhappy.
unhappy with everything under the sun.
i’m satisfied with no one and satisfied by nothing.
i feel ignored as well as focused on.
i feel hungry and full at the same time,
irritated with mankind yet yearning for connection.
i’m satisfied with no one and satisfied by nothing.
i dont want to be here.
I can look at the pc once and then look back and nothing looks the same. I hate that. I know this pc inside and out. I know the folders by heart. I can see them when I close my eyes but when I open them, when I look at the screen, look away and then look back it’s like everything has changed. It makes me wonder how long the glance was, and where I went when my eyes diverted. I hate dissociation.Right now I’m a bit upset with my landlord who has decided to up the offense level to down right disturbing. He said about the juice drink I gave him, “what will people think when they find out you gave me black cherry juice?” He then followed with: “ That sounds kind of kinky doesn’t it?” Of course I was floored by this statement and laughed it off. Actually, I played dumb like I didn’t know what he meant. It made me think about safety issues here. It is my hope that, for his safety, he never touches me. Actually, the thought just occurred to me that when it comes to physical threats we come off hard. We are ready to strike without hesitation. When it comes to sexual threats we crumble then we get mad and the physical safety to the other person becomes seriously jeopardized.
Our ability to sleep has been effected by this newest offense by Barney Fife. (The man looks like Barney from Mayberry) I just started rocking when I wrote the bit about losing sleep.
Tonight on DateLine, Anne Curry reported a missing girl found dead allegedly by her boyfriend with whom she first came in contact via the Internet. One interview suggested that online journals are dangerous and that predators look for people through journals and profiles. My first thought was to take my journals off line. I decided not to. What helped find the girl’s body was the evidence on her computer. Journaling online is therapeutic for me and I don’t plan to quit anytime soon. I will have to depend on the safety tools provided along with common sense and a bit of healthy paranoia.
SUICIDE IS NOT A “HELLBOUND” ROAD
Speaking of therapy issues, knowing who to tune out and who to listen to is a good skill to have. This friend of mine has said several times that people that commit suicide go to hell. I continue to tune him out. I for one do not believe in hellfire. I also do not believe that God forsakes those that put a gun in their mouth. While I do not advocate suicide, I also do not condemn it. It is my firm belief that those that are willing to end their life do it not with a clear mind, but with one filled with depression, despair and grief. In my opinion, firm in my belief system, this is called terminal mental illness. Mental illness is not the “other illness” as if it doesn’t really count for legitimate terminal conditions. Some mental illnesses are not treatable the same as all forms of cancer are not treatable. Many times there are ways to extend life but they fail to improve it. I do not think this is specific to physical illnesses only. The other thing is, since mental illness is talked about in the Bible, why would it be a sin to die from it more than it would be to die from a disease that affects an organ such as the heart or the bones? Why would He say he would help us if we died from certain illnesses but not others? That is not salvation. To suggest that men would go to a place called hellfire for putting a gun in their mouth is a man-made ideology. The fact that it’s set as a blanket rule is more evidence that it’s a man-made ideology. God is not a black and white God. Grace comes in so many shades, mercy comes in more and love tips the scales for them all. Man falls miserably short of passing black and white.
Aussie
survivors
Multiple Personality Disorder
women
Sexual abuse
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