I am in the dumps. I’m depressed and angry, exhausted physically and frustrated with everyone on the face of the earth. I’m broke as all get out and worried. But that’s not something I can fix today. I can’t fix a lot today but what I can do is take advantage of some of the things around me.
First and foremost is personal hygiene. I need to take care of that. Today its 55 degrees outside. I’m going to take a walk but before I go I’m going to put a tiny roast in the slow cooker with some carrots, taters and real green beans. I’m going to have corn bread muffins in the little silicone muffin cups Betty got me. I’ll eat, I’ll read, later I’ll catch the episode of Survivor that I missed and then I’ll end the night by tossing paint around. The cups she purchased are white which is fine by me. Had they been pink I would have screamed. I literally would have screamed!
Continue reading ‘Time for Personal Care’
Dr. D and I talked about if I need to go inpatient or not. I said no. I said I’d make calls and do what needs to be done to manage these feelings. I told him I’d see him on Monday, and I will. My word is good.
The new company didn’t bother to show up or call. I called them only to find out that my new nurses aide called off work today and that her replacement won’t be out here until Tuesday. She said someone would give me a call this week end to let me know when they’re going to arrive. I asked her to narrow down a time. It doesn’t matter if I’m primarily home bound or not, sitting waiting for them to call and tell me they’ll be here in 20 min isn’t going to work.
Continue reading ‘Today’s life plan’
I’ve been back on Zoloft for about a week or so now. They’ve upped the dosage to 100 mg once per day. I take it at night. It hasn’t interrupted my sleep.
I met the new nursing staff today. I think of the schedule and how many people will file in and out of here and all I want to do is barricade myself in the house and never answer the door again. The best thing to do is think of one appointment at a time, one visit at a time. I can’t think of this down the road. I can’t look at this from a distance because it seems too much, too big and for too long.
Continue reading ‘Third Time’s a Charm’
I said something Betty thought she’d never hear me say. I said I was done with the fish tanks and didn’t want to mess with them anymore.
Depression is high.
There is a young girl from the fish club that will come over and with me she and I will manage the tanks. I knew her before the fish club and trust her to help out from time to time.
Continue reading ‘Push’
Yesterday afternoon was a good day. I got outside for a little bit and walked around. I found a few really cool things, the best of which was a dandelion. I proudly put it in my hair and walked home. I don’t know, that little dandelion made my day. I even found a nice moss bed which I promptly gathered to dry here at home for a future project.
Continue reading ‘Good Day, Long Night’
Very close to the edge. This is where I start saying, okay……… listen. I have to cut this, this, and this so all I have to deal with is this and this.
I’m so close to needing to go inpatient its scary. At this point I’m not accepting phone calls from anyone but Grace, Betty and the doctors. I talk to Grace once a week. I talk to Betty now about once per week, besides the woman takes me to services. I’ll still be going there.
There is no visiting nurse. There’s no nurses aide, no home staff other than the doctor. It’s just me and the cat right now. They’ll come here tomorrow morning for a treatment and stuff but as far as regular staff goes I don’t have any and won’t. That’s a relief to me. I’ve had enough of that. The friend that was to come here as my home health aide will not be working here either.
Continue reading ‘Edge Walking’
December 30th I was ready to walk in the psych hospital and tell them I needed help. I couldn’t gather myself. I wasn’t safe. I thought, I need two bullets in my head to ease the tension. Not to die but to just….my God, just relieve the tension. That was the day of two guttural screams at home that were so loud I was sure my neighbors would call the police. Those screams and need for emotional relief were heavy. Add to that a powerful female hormonal scourge and you’ve got yourself a serious crisis. Boy was I in one. That was a dangerous day and I knew it , so I got on the phone and stated calling friends.
You know, just because women have major medical issues like Lupus, Fibromyalgia, MS, RA, Myofascial pain or Chronic Fatigue Syndrome it doesn’t mean we get to skip the normal body changes that take place. We don’t get to skip our mid-life crisis either. Regardless of health issues all women and men still take part in the circus called life. This particular day at the circus include the following tearful , snot filled, weepy conversation with my good friend Betty. Continue reading ‘The Hormonal Circus’