Tag Archive for 'suicide'

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Hearts in the Bath Tub

Published on July 20, 2011 in Abuse, Borderline Personality Disorder, Fear, Grief Sadness Loss, Love and Relationships. 0 Comments Tags: .

The waiting, the eventuality of it must be ……………. I don’t know what words to put there. The personal responsibility for saving the suicidal person has to be heavy.

 I felt personally responsible for keeping my mother alive. She talked a lot about killing herself, especially when I was younger. As I got older it was much less about killing herself and more about abandoning us kids. She said she was tired of me and my sister fighting, tired of everything. She said one day she was going to go in the restroom and kill herself. I used to cut out little hearts from construction paper and tape them to the walls in her shower. I hoped she’s see them and know I loved her and it would change her mind, give her a reason to live. It went like that again and again. Threats of suicide, paper hearts, handmade cards, a life saved, a child robbed.  

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Art Therapy During Psych Hospitalization

Published on June 26, 2011 in Art, Art Therapy, Depression, Dissociative Identity Disorder, PTSD and Therapy. 0 Comments Tags: .

In the hospital there was a real art therapist who talked to us about establishing our own world. I kind of had a hard time hearing her because as she spoke I sat at her table filled with markers, paints, crayons, clay and paper. I nearly drooled.

Above my over joyed heartbeat I heard her explain that in our new world we’d decide who can and can’t come to our world. We’d decide if people worked, how they lived, how they got their food and so on. Everything was up to us. When I heard that part assignment I declined  to participate.  I just messed with clay while others drew a world they felt they could be happy in. Not surprisingly many removed the so-called good idea of capitalism. I found that interesting.

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The Great Pretender

Published on May 12, 2011 in Abuse, Borderline Personality Disorder, Fear, Female Sadist, PTSD and Therapy. 0 Comments Tags: , .

I’m ridiculously sad but I’m not sure why. My mood is kind of pissy. I don’t want to talk to anyone over the phone or either of my roommates. I’ve avoided both of them like the plague. It feels as if I’m fighting to keep from slipping into a fit of rage. I feel as if I’m seconds from snapping at people.

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No Out

Published on April 22, 2011 in Abuse, Depression and PTSD. 2 Comments Tags: .

I think sometimes knowing I have an out makes it easier for me to want to quit. If I know I can quite at any time there’s a chance I will. So what happens if I remove this out that hangs over my head?

Some might consider healing an out, a way to get out of the sickness I was left with when I was hurt. I don’t see it as an out, I see it as a choice to not swim in this mire of guilt, sadness and fear. When I heal I take an active stance. I move forward and through, up and above.

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Dream: Focus and Move Forward

Published on April 11, 2011 in Dreams and PTSD. 1 Comment Tags: .

I hate when stuff is always my fault… or when it feels like its always my fault. This morning I woke from a dream where I was on top of a sky scraper with two friends who wanted to sky dive off the top. We’d all gone up there for that purpose but once up there I chickened out. Once I did that all three of our parachutes disappeared and we were stranded up there with no way down but to scale the building.

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Tears and Colored Girls

Published on March 11, 2011 in Anger, Depression, Emotions, Fear and PTSD. 4 Comments Tags: .

I thought to myself, God I hate my dog. I just don’t like him. What’s wrong with the fish? Why is he floating funny? I hate these damn fish. The frog is healthy but I thought she escaped again. God I hate that frog, I said. I don’t want to deal with this at all. Mary Jane, if she doesn’t shut the fuck up I swear to God she’ll need a new home TONIGHT!

It was Wednesday evening when I decided I hated everything and everyone around me. I’d just walked in the door from therapy and headed straight back to my apartment. I hoped Junior didn’t speak to me because I didn’t want to be civil and say hello back. I just wanted to get back to my place and get away from the world. Therapy was rough. We talked about missing Joan and we talked about feeling unprepared to lead her life, talk to her friends, put on her brave face. We’re a stranger in our own world. I was not a happy camper and it wouldn’t be too much to say I felt a bit sorry for myself.

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Mood Record and My Therapeutic Relationship

Published on October 8, 2010 in Anger, Art Therapy, Emotions, Relationships, Therapy and Trust. 4 Comments Tags: .

Dr. D asked me to make a record of my mood every few hours. I think it was to help me see that I don’t always feel depressed and I don’t always feel overwhelmed and upset.

One of the things noted in the pages is how there’s trouble in my little therapeutic paradise. Things aren’t going well with Dr. D right now. I really, really hope they improve cause I have to be healthy by age 50. I’m 39 now and I don’t want to be in therapy at age 51, which means I don’t have time for bull shit.

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