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Content : Sexual abuse. Sadism.

I went in to see Dr D today at his office. We talked about how I feel guilty about asking people to pack up my wheelchair and me to take me here or there. I feel like a burden to others and like baggage. We talked about feeling that way as a child, too. About apologizing in my heart for being a disappointment to my mother.

We talked about how she said she couldn't remarry bc no one wanted 2 teenage daughters. The truth is, my mother couldn't hold an adult relationship if she tried.

We discussed how much other family members knew about the abuse. For a time, my cousins were not allowed to ride in the car w my mother bc my mother's conversation was so sexual.

In the car, mostly when she was driving, she'd recount what she had done to us and ask, "Are you turned on?" She wasn't looking for a verbal answer. But, she'd ask that question and look me in the face to see my response. Because she was looking for a response, I didn't give one!

She'd call me a bitch with the utmost disdain in her voice. I was little so I didn't quite know the word, but I recognized the hatred in her voice so I knew it was a bad thing. She truly hated me. As a small reflection of herself, the hatred was palpable.



It's not been a good day to say the least. In addition to firing someone I really liked, I jacked up my already jacked up foot. This is the same foot that I smashed in the door.

Well, I was using the pedicure tool suggested by the surgeon and accidentally ripped a two inch hole from the amputation site. I didn't feel it at all. I looked and I was bleeding. (sigh) I put some medical grade honey on it and a bandage and let it go. I don't know if I want to use this thing after this!

At the time I was quite emotionally devistated by it. I also thought I deserved to be hurt bc I fired someone who is hurting. There I was bleeding and thought, good, this is what happens to people like you! It took a second to get my head straight and realized just how triggering her situation has been. No, I don't deserve to hurt and neither does she. It was an accident, not a punishment! Not a sign that I'm a bad person.

It'll take a moment to wipe the visual of my CNA hurting herself. It wasn't a good thing to see. It'll take a little bit to accept my new normal of not getting the feeling back in that foot properly. I try not to let it get to me. I try to take it in stride ya know? But sometimes the realization of my physical condition hits me hard, like today.

So I'm going to to take a few deep breaths then do some art work. I will turn on some music and let this moment pass. No stuffing. No running but also, I refuse to just sit in it. I'm about to work it out the best I can, with art and tea.



Content - Suicide of brother. Suicide threats by nurse's assistant (CNA)

An anniversary rolled around for my brother's suicide. It was somber. I looked at photos and wondered how on earth he could be gone. It was a tearful day but I made it through.

The very next day something happened with my CNA that doesn't allow her to return here. I waited to talk to my therapist about it. He too feels it's extreme. I told her she can't come here threatening to kill herself bc that's the thing that will cause me to fire her. Well, she showed up threatening to kill herself and did so w full knowledge that I'd fire her for it. She even knows about my brother.

I'm not a cold hearted person. I know how it feels to want to die. I know what it takes to be pushed to the edge. I've been there, but here I am on the other side of a suicide, too. It's a complex problem for me, one I take very seriously.

I don't talk to her about her suicidal feelings bc I felt manipulated. I didn't appreciate how she threatened her boyfriend w suicide when they argued. I didn't appreciate being told several times how she nearly killed herself before work, b4 arriving at my house. What exactly am I to do with that information? I directed her to the stress line and other resources several times. I can't personally take her pain away. I can't save her. And I think it's dangerous to keep trying to talk someone down who shows signs of needing more than a listening ear.

For privacy matters, I've left out a slew of details as to exactly why the CNA can't return. Let's just say it was terrible and gruesome when she showed up.

I feel terrible letting her go. I really feel terrible! She's going to get out of the hospital and realize she can't return. That'll be a blow to her. I don't think she'll understand. I feel very bad, but things came to a head and we aren't able to turn around.

All of this took place the day after the anniversary date for my brother.



I went to the grocery store. When I was getting back in the car I thought I was all the way in but my bad foot wasn't. I shut it in the door. That's a pain that's going to linger.

The problem is, I can't feel much other than pain in that foot so it's hard to tell where it is or what position it's in. I found out real fast that it was in the door! Now it's all red and inflamed and ugly looking. Not good at all. My nurse will be here to look at it.

In better foot health news, I've finally got my pedicure kit the surgeon suggested. This will help with skin thickness on the incision area as well as help the amputated area look nice overall.

I've said before, I'm conceited. I can't go around looking like anything at all. I'm not an anything - will - do, kind of girl. Nope. It matters to me that the amputation site is soft and smooth, so I am not ashamed to go without socks when friends are around.

This is the second time I've crushed the amputated foot in the door. I've got to make sure I know where all my body is at any given time. Lol. Oh me!



These are a few thoughts on the behaviors that come through this house and how I've been handling them.

As I've noted, the CNAs bring a lot of drama to my house by telling me their problems and acting up. I still learn from them though. While listening to one in particular, I see she is yet to learn from her mistakes. I know some of her history and see her dating the same type of individual. I see a desperate heart yearning to be rescued from herself, from her own demons.

As I watch this young lady (especially w knowledge of her diagnoses) I see a very hurt child trying not to drown, trying to survive herself. As a survivor of abuse w PTSD, I know well what it feels like to try to survive myself. What I didn't know was how it feels to watch a person make the same mistakes, w no power to help them get on the right course. This frustration must be what doctors felt when I was her age making wild, unstable decisions. Like my CNA, I was predictable in that I was going to rush into things having no true foundation.

I hope I don't sound overly critical of her as I point out the stage of life this young woman is in. I can see parts of my young self in her which teaches me the viewpoint of older onlookers at that stage in my own life. The shoe is on the other foot now. As I watch and listen to her I am learning to do what older ones did w me. I'm learning more patience for one thing. Lol. I'm learning when to speak and when to listen. And I'm willing to learn from mistakes she's making now so that I don't suffer the same lasting consequences.

I didn't ask for new life lessons. I didn't ask to be the adult in the room that offers a bit of sound advice, tinged w sarcasm. But here I am, a middle aged woman, sitting w a younger me (wild CNA) trying to talk sense into her emotionally trampled heart.

Who knew all this abuse and history of mine would be of any value to someone else? If I am to have this history and if I was forced to learn those lessons, at least now I can attempt to pass them along to another survivor in need.

Even though I talk to one of my CNAs on a very personal level, I still have to set boundaries concerning subject matter. She knows she can't come here threatening to kill herself. She has a therapist and family members to assist with that. I'm not able to manage that symptom of hers. I talk to my friends about their suicidal feelings but for many reasons, I refuse to go there with her. There's one other subject that I won't talk to her about unless there are steps forward in helping herself. These boundaries protect my sanity and prevent unnecessary triggers. After all, this is not my daughter and I am not a therapist. I'm a survivor in therapy and there is only so much I can take. There's only so much energy I can expend for her.

After saying all that stuff about her, I have to admit that I really like her. Despite issues, she's pleasant and funny. You pretty much know where she stands bc she wears her heart on her sleave. 😊 She's a good kid, ya know? Just kind of lost for the moment. Just for the moment, though. There is hope for her future.



I buy something small for myself each month. I spend less than $20 on the gift. This month I've treated myself to Patchouli and Lavender Hemp soap and Sandlewood soap. This is to be added to the collection of Lavender scented soaps, milk soaps and bars for facial cleaning and exfoliating. I truly enjoy my shower time. 😊 I figure I should come out feeling absolutely beautiful and refreshed!

Last month I purchased the small wheelchair and the month before that was a bottle of lavender essential oil.

I'm sort of obsessed with lavender. I've even got lavender soap for my carpet and lavender sachets for my laundry. Honestly, I should be the chillest girl around, very relaxed and low anxiety, yet I have to still put it in my nose several times a day. Lavender aromatherapy definitely works for me, so I'll keep it up.



While in the hospital I gained a terrible habit. I started eating potato chips and Cheezits. Of course this is a terrible addition to my diet so I'm starting a new way of eating this month; no chips and no Cheezits.

Today I went to the grocery store for 2 weeks worth of meals. Oh man, it was so hard not buying these two items. I've been buying them for months now, but not today.

This is one of my life upgrades, letting potato chips go. It was much easier letting ice cream go. This one is hard! I'm going to do it though.

The reason I'm letting them go 100 % instead of eating in moderation is that I can't eat these things in moderation. I pig out eating ice-cream, potato chips or Cheezits. There is little control. If there was control I'd keep them in my diet. A life upgrade requires that they go.

The last life upgrade for awhile is to decrease the amount of pop I drink. I'm trying to get it down to one 7up a day instead of two.

With all my health issues, what I don't deal with is high blood pressure, high cholesterol or diabetes. I'd like to keep it this way for as long as possible.


Content - Fear of dying. Suicide of brother. Domestic violence.

I was able to make it in to his office today for my session. In addition to having a bit of spring fever, I have a new Betta fish. She's the final fish for the apartment. When I first moved in I said I wanted 3 and that's what I now have. 😊

In session we talked about how there's still a bit of shock associated with the foot. I have quite a bit of phantom pain which feels like the toes are still there. At that time I don't do anything about it because for just a bit it feels like I've got two full feet again. I like the feeling so I don't try to ease the phantom pain.

We talked about how the 10th of this month I entered the hospital, for the major nightmare, one year ago. August will be the one year anniversary of leaving the hospital, with May 7th being the one year anniversary of the amputation. I have no plans to recognize or observe these anniversaries. They'll happen and I'll go on.

We talked about feeling more comfortable that I'm not going to fall over and die from a blood clot at any minute. I don't think about dying every single day like I did when I first got out of the hospital. That is a major change right there. I used to think, what's the point of starting a project when I'm just going to die?

We talked about stress w the CNAs. One keeps showing up suicidal which is a serious trigger for me. I had to tell her today to stop telling me about her issues and treating me like I'm her therapist. She told her doctor that I'm part of her support system. I told her I'm a client not a therapist and that I'm in therapy myself. I gave her resources for domestic violence and resources for therapy. I didn't think she'd take it but she did, and she acted on the resources. She's set up with rea support, support I am not qualified to give. Also, I'm the patient. She comes to my house to help me. She can't come crying for a full hour each morning, I talk her down and then we go on like everything is OK. It's not. I'm triggered. It's exhausting.

The other CNA had to go! I'm over it. I can't seem to forgive her for laughing hysterically at how a person w no toes walks. She laughed at me and mocked my walk. She said I look funny and laughed at me! I got past her sexual comments and my appearance but this went deep! I don't want to hobble next to someone who will laugh at me so cruely! So she's fired and rightly so.

Here at home we work on walking several times a week. This spring we'll get out of the park and walk. For now we do so in the excessively long hallway here at the apartment complex.


I didn't get to sleep until 9 this morning bc my pain levels were too high. I tossed and turned and laid here looking at the wall. Finally I slept and woke at 6pm. The entire day is over. I'm not discouraged by this today bc the bigger picture is this - I've got few immediate responsibilities which allows me to have the time to be sick. I'm grateful for the position I'm in that allows life to stop and let me recover. Today is a day of recovery.

Good stuff that happened this week:

I sold 2 dolls and an original art piece.

Warm dinners were made all week here at home. I loved it.

I had pancakes 2 times this week. 😊

Homemade hot chocolate during the cold snap was wonderful.

I've been able to avoid prolonged emotional triggers by processing them and letting them go.

I bought a tiny wheelchair to sit a doll in. A friend of mine is having heart surgery and I can't be there, so I'm sending a representative. Froggie will go for me.



Content : Sexual abuse

I feel like throwing up. I feel like rolling over in the fetal position to cry.

This is the second time the CNA 2 talked to me about homosexuality. The first time I didn't say much. Today she went into detail and told me I look like a "stud". That is not a compliment to a person who is not an stud. She said I "look gay" and that I am not a "girly - girl. " She commented that I don't wear long nails, eyelashes and makeup. I told her I prefer the natural look.

The main difficulty of being called a stud is that it removes my femininity, something I cherish.

As a child, my mother used me as if I was a man. Also, she would say, "Are you gay? Are you a boy? Do you want me to cut your hair?" As early as the second grade she began chipping away at my birth right to be female. She hounded me, always asking if I thought I was a boy. Never did I feel that way, but she did use me that way.

She started the same crap with my brother. She kept asking him if he was gay. The boy was three! Three years old and she was hounding him, too.

Dr D and I talked about how I will need to reason with myself on the matter. When I look in the mirror I don't see anything masculine about me. I don't feel masculine. Whatever is seen by others is not under my control. I can still be comfortable in my skin as a woman and throw off the absurdity from my CNA 2.

I have two CNAs and one nurse. CNA 2 is the one who crossed boundaries today.

Dr D asked if I switch personalities when the cna's are inappropriate. No. I just listen like a good girl, just like when listening to my mother. I give no indication that I'm disturbed and upset. That has changed recently. I tell them when they have crossed the line but I don't show that I'm upset. That's the main thing for me, never give what they're looking for. Never give them a reaction of shock or dismay. I learned that dealing with my mother. She was looking for a reaction so I refused to give her one! I do this w a lot of people now, no physical reaction no matter what!


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