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Dr D called Friday around 11 am. I spoke to him briefly. He wanted to apologize and say that he has an opening next Friday for me to come in for a session. I then got dressed to go to the grocery store. My pain level has been high all day, high enough that I've taken pain meds three times. That's not normal for me.

Emotionally I'm raw. I'm physically tired. My right leg is good and swollen the way it used to look before I was on blood thinners. I don't have a blood clot but I need to remember to drink my teas daily. That's a strange thing to say but my depression has been deep with self care and normal activities taking a back seat.

...continue reading "Not an ordinary day"

I'm not good with changing things without time to transition. My head feels scattered and set to panic mode. Anxiety is high and honestly, I want to kick my legs and flail my arms. This isn't what we planned!!!! Argh! It's like I can't take changes like this. Like my mind and body actively reject the idea of the assault called change of plans.

Wednesday Dr. D called after hours to tell me that he double booked. I know he made a mistake and that is fine. It really is, but that change set in motion a series of other changes. ...continue reading "Anxiety caused by sudden change"

I now accept Venmo as well as PayPal for original art.

The cat keeps looking at my chocolate chip cookie like she's going to grab it and run. She put her face in my cup and stole some of my coffee. She's lost her mind. I know she left back splash. She should Venmo me the cost of coffee.

All art updates are on the sidebar under Purchase Art.

I've looked around at apartments to see what will be available to me come June. It's not just that my landlord is despicable and thoroughly tests my faith, it's that this place is now well out of my financial abilities. That's too bad bc I would have dealt with the landlord situation.

I'm looking for an apartment with central heat and central air. I don't have that here. One of the things about CRSD and even Lupus is that we have to keep our body temperature pretty even. A window air conditioner doesn't do that nor do base board heaters. It's too cold for me in the living room but too hot for Jane in the bedroom so she's out there most of the time.

I haven't had tea parties this summer as planned bc of pain issues. I've been able to make greeting cards for people but I don't feel as though I've done the type of giving I wish to do. At the moment I'd have an angry self to offer which isn't that great, but I think there's a sense of loss because I've not been able to have the kids over or any families over. That was to be a big part of my summer and fall. ...continue reading "Home. Pets. Health."

i sketch without heart. not much of anything is getting done because my pain level has risen.

my therapist double booked for friday which means i won't go in. he called at 5:33 pm wed, 30 min after hours to say he doubled book friday. he doesn't work thursday's at all. he said to call the office thursday to see if i can reschedule that appointment for a later time on friday. i told him up front that i am not able to reschedule those appointments bc the person taking me has a very full schedule. 5 min of a call from him out of the blue, after hours, where i can't talk to him again until friday evening isn't good. i'm not pleased. i'm going to have to get ok with it in my head. it was a mistake. i can live with it. my body isn't allowing me to sit long anyway. i'll fix it in my head so that it doesn't feel like more than it is, a mistake.

i'm having a hard time sitting. i can stand or lay flat but sitting is painful. spasming has been a problem again. i just want to cry.

i was going to say that i don't care about stuff right now and that i don't want to do anything but not caring doesn't totally fit. i'm angry about a few things. i think most of it has to do with pain levels rising and not being able to sit longer than 10 min without spasms. i've come back to this entry 3 times now to finish it.

i'm raw at the moment bc i'm getting closer to the date to see my new general practitioner. this month seems extra full of appointments, stuff i can't get out of. i'm going to the very last dental appointment which i'm not looking forward to.

i'm raw after finding out that its my brother my sister feels guilty about. i can't believe i actually thought she could/would feel anything for me other than contempt. i wonder why i allowed myself to believe she's capable of feeling anything for me? why did i again put myself in front of a speeding bus then ask why it ran me over. is she always going to be a dangling carrot? the type of temptation i just can't resist? i feel so stupid. what was i thinking?

yesterday someone wanted to adopt all three of my fire belly frogs. they are now with a larger pod in a much larger terrarium. this means my only frog is Pete the African Clawed Frog. i don't want any more fire bellies. they're adorable but they aren't for me. i want a land frog not semi aquatic. the good thing is that i've got the correct set up for frogs here. i never sell of major equipment i know i can't replace. tanks are easy to replace but other equipment may not be. ah... snails. i thought all 5 of my little baby snails died but it appears i have one little guy. he's adorable. i tried to out source getting a snail but it hasn't worked. now i have to out source even further and bug my friend one state over about putting a snail in the mail. i just don't know enough people willing to dig in their yard for stuff. wow, the things a girl does for pets. anyway, as long as i have a few live things to fuss over and care for then i'm good to go.

oh yeah, my web mistress is working on the rss feed and the issue with commenting from the wordpress reader.

I'm just thinking badly but I'm enjoying it way too much.

Thursday my landlord is going to show up. I don't want the cow here but I'm not able to get out of it. She's coming to fill a minor maintenance issue. Despite her telling me that changing my ceiling light bulbs isn't her job, she's till coming with the new maintenance man to replace the bulbs. She noted the bulbs were out way, way back in May of this year when she was busy trying to have me evicted. So, she's coming with the new guy so she can gossip to me about how she had to fire the old guy.

Doesn't she get tired of tearing down everything her hands touch?

I figured maybe a little passive aggression is in order for her visit. I should start out with very, very strong incense and a nice display of the little plastic skeletons that she finds unnerving. Of course I'm not going to do it but it was fun to think about. Anyway, once the skeletons were in clear view I'd go stereotype on her. She isn't fond of 'Mexicans' or 'Arabs', or common sense which means I'd have to play that Arab soundtrack that's in every US military movie while eating a burrito and drinking a bottle of Corona. Skip the Corona. I'm going ghetto. I'll have a 40 ounce of malt liqua', Colt 45. I have to represent the black stereotype. I'd have to go stereotype on her stupid self because being a stupid racist, she wouldn't recognize anything else. ...

...continue reading "Faith Behaving Badly"

I racked my brain trying to think of what it is my sister can't forgive herself for. At first I thought, does it have anything to do with me? I wanted there to be something she felt for me. It's another slap in the face and another dose of cold reality.

It sounds absurd now, to think she feels anything for me other than contempt. Why did I even think she grieved over me to the point of believing she is no longer worthy of life? I guess because I thought I'm the only person who hasn't used and abused her. I'm her younger sister. I'm still alive, the other members of our immediate family are not. Our mother and father are deceased, my brother is gone. It's just me and her.  ...continue reading "Hate in Cement"

We talked to him about my aunts going to New York to clean out his apartment. I wonder if they thought to get his personal violin and music sheets.

google imageWe talked about my level of depression and the physical toll its taking.

We talked about going two or three days without drinking a cup of tea because I just didn't think to do it. That's like putting my left arm down to my side for days on end because I forgot to use it. Tea is a part of what I do, it's a big comfort for me but it's also used medically. I should drink tea and will as soon as I finish writing.  ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Violins and Skyscrapers"

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Tuesday I'm going to pick up a fountain pen to use when writing letters to my brother who called himself the Vivaldi kid, among other things. I'm not really working on grief associated with him, but I am writing letters to my Vivaldi Kid, for the violin.

It occurred to me that not seeing him at his funeral makes taking his death hard. I didn't get to say goodbye. What did they dress him in, or did they cremate him? I was never told. Where is his grave site? Did anyone bother to take photos of the site? Is he in New York or here? He should be in New York. What happened to his body? If cremated, did they even collect his ashes?  What did they do with him after his death? Did he have arrangements in place? What I mean is, did he have last wishes for his properties?  ...continue reading "Letters to the Vivaldi Kid"

I've slept quite a bit but I'm still alive and kicking. Any weather shift can cause a change in symptoms. I got off lightly with fatigue instead of higher pain levels.

The last few days have been cooler which has brought Mary Jane back to her old self. She's back to chasing the pencil as I sketch. lol. She's back to trying to sit inside my pencil box or in front of the screen so I can't see it. The best thing is hearing her pur box on full speed.

I've yet to figure out what I want to accomplish next week. No goals have been set. I know I need to get back in my little studio, at the table with paint and paper. I've been feeling distant and hesitant to express myself verbally or in art. There's a strong feeling of inadequacy and a lack of self trust that I can see a project through without messing it up. For this reason, I've put the piece Encaustic Rise to the side.

Issues with self confidence pop up from time to time. I won't attempt to pin it to a specific event, instead, I will focus on affirmations and creative resistance. I need to squash the harsh and crushing fear that I can't paint with any measure of success .... I believe I just came up with goals for next week. 

Faith

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