I changed my tea painting and added a short
quote. I couldn't help myself. I like it better this way. I think it would look great in an all white frame but there wasn't one on the framing program used.
"Where there's tea there's hope" is a small painting of 4 inches by 6 inches. It's created in watercolor and ink and is on 98lb paper. The details on the flower and cup are easier to see in person.
I've also been playing with acrylic and rubbing alcohol. I cleaned my brushes of acrylic paint on a 4 x 7 piece of cardstock then went back and treated the paper with the 91 percent alcohol. I sprayed some it as well as dropped some. I swirled the paper and let it drip until I saw a pattern I liked.
I can save this textured abstract piece for later as pull art or for a collage. I could add a small cut out from my huge stash. Who knows what the cut out would be. I've got everything from figures to flowers to trees and animals, all from art that didn't work out but that had parts worth saving. I use my x-acto knife and save what can be saved for projects just like this. The other thing is, I can leave it just the way it is and frame it as a temporary piece of art just to look at for a little while. I tend to do that. I switch up art on a wall in the living room making the wall an ever changing, energized display of color and texture.
Here are a few pieces in currently hanging in my living room on the art wall.
She had a wide range of peculiarities but one constant; her mouth was always wide open.
Her violence frightened me as a child. The fact that she's still alive makes me a bit uncomfortable.
The woman with the split earlobe laughed loudly, sang loudly, slapped you on the back while laughing and did everything over the top. It wasn't mental illness, it was plain madness. ...continue reading "Wide"
He said I'm just a ball of pain and that I need to stop blowing steam at him. I stopped, looked at him and said, Did you just tell me to stop telling you I'm in pain. He said, yes, because its nonsense. Then he said, "I'm just telling it like it is. I shoot from the hip." I pointed to the nearly 40 frames on one wall having to do with his military career and congressional awards and I said, "You're a soldier, are you?" I said, "Some people aren't soldiers. Some people don't shoot from the hip or like being shot at, at all." I explained that if he didn't believe me then that's one thing, but to say, "stop blowing that steam" and tell me I'm speaking nonsense isn't an acceptable way to speak to me. ...continue reading "Neurology appointment. I’m not a soldier."
I did it. I went to meet with the two people I'll write letters with for the winter project. It went very well. I had sweet potato pie and Kenyan tea.
I didn't drop a tear, didn't show anxiety too much.
We discussed topics to include in the letters and how to address some of the elderly individuals. I used my special calligraphy style pen gifted to me. 🙂
I'd already started the winter project two weeks ago when my friend got the flu. Recently I got a response from a letter. It blew me away. All it said was, "I love you. Thank you so much." That was the response I got from a home bound person who received a letter from me two weeks ago. If nothing else makes me smile, that certainly does.
I once said that what I intend to do with my training is encourage people professionally. I got laughed at when I said that. The people who get letters aren't laughing but my heart smiles thinking that I could be part of something that matters. This is part of my reason for waking up.
We talked about feeling depressed in a different way than what I'm used to feeling. There's an underlying feeling of not caring about anything and just wanting someone to take out of my stomach whatever it is that's eating me alive. I'm so tired right now I can't see straight. Sleep didn't come easily.
He said it'll be important to talk to the medical doctor and to tell her that I wonder if there's a hormonal connection. Does that play into things?
He said I'm intense right now. It felt like when talking to him that my thoughts were all over the place. I was tired, holding my gigantic bear, facing the wall.
I told him that feeling suicidal isn't new for me. What's new is not caring. I always find a way out, always. I don't always fight because sometimes fighting the situation makes it worse, but I'm not one to throw in the towel anymore.
I've done what I'm supposed to do, that should feel good. I don't feel good.
I'm still creating. Some get finished, other's lack substance and I lose interest. Today I made a third doll for donations (pics eventually) and a hat for myself.
Right in the middle of studying I had a full blown panic attack but I kept going. I didn't want to feel totally defeated. The problem was that I made one single, solitary mistake and it felt like my world crashed, like it was the biggest catastrophe on my heart. I had to get myself together over a tiny mistake that it took seconds to correct. Agitation. Agitation. Low tolerance for just about anything.
I listen to my frogs. I read. I played fetch with the dog again today; day three in a row. Playing with him today was forced but it was nice to see his tongue hanging out of his mouth and that big dog smile after playing so hard.
I want to care, mostly I don't.
I want to be in a good mood tomorrow and meet with what is now three people for letters to homebound Seniors in our community. I want to meet with them but I'm afraid. I just want to go to bed and put the covers over my head but honestly it feels miserable under there, too. Why? What is there to explain this level of absolute depression and flat out despair? What's wrong with me?
Just thought of something....... I've had a med change. It's the only thing I can think of that would make me feel this bad, so deeply with no real reason. I mean seriously, I want to just lay down and die. I can't explain why. Is it the combination of meds or something else? I talk to Dr. D tomorrow. We'll figure out something because today I hit my threshold.
We played ball and took advantage of the weather. The little spot in this photo is Clyde running and chewing a tennis ball. The ball didn't make it. It was chewed to nothing, but that's okay 'cause we had a lot of fun.
We both came home quite happy with ourselves.
While there I thought about some of the projects to try for next year when I start my tree a day project.
Today was easier than yesterday. I'm grateful for that.
There has been a lot of sleep today but since it was nearly 60 degrees I decided to take a walk with Clyde. We did 4.5 blocks one way and 4.5 blocks back which is only about a half block longer than usual. Perhaps we would have made it the full 5 blocks had we not been blocked by a flock of free roaming chickens. Seriously, this is Indiana but come on y'all, control your chickens! A flock. Okay, a gang of 'em, running loose. Don't let your chickens run around rough, stopping walkers trying to escape depression! There could have been happiness at the full 5 block goal but I'll never know cause of the hoodlum fowl.
After a successful escape from free roaming chickens, Clyde and I returned to the safety of our home and went straight to bed. I know I'm sleeping a lot but I can't keep my eyes open. And, I'm not trying to. I'm eating, sleeping, caring for myself, cleaning my apartment, sewing, creating and letting this depression play out. I'm just going with it. I'd be lying if I said I'm okay. I'm not okay. I'm exhausted, spent, needy and anxious.
I should call this entry, the big baby has pizza and now she's happy. It's comfort food. Pizza is my comfort food. It's in the oven now, bubbling with my herb blend, fresh garlic, three cheeses and two meats in a cast iron skillet. I'm gonna slice up a huge portion of self soothing.
Also in the 'this is a healing thing' category is the response I got concerning the last doll I made and adopted out. I smiled through the entire email. That really made me happy.
I am teetering and I know it. I've decided not to fight it. Maybe it won't last as long if I'm not trying to fight against an inevitable break. Spasms and new medication as well as grief has pushed me further than I needed to go and I can see that plainly. If I can't stop this train from hitting the wall at least I can pad the wall. I can brace properly so the impact isn't as devastating. I can prepare by getting my emotional emergency gear in place. There will be pizza. There will be pepperoni, quality pepperoni, sweet Italian sausage and several kinds of cheese. There will be art supplies on the ready and a list of ways to keep myself healthiest.
This time of cracking up includes Clyde which is a good thing because I don't have to do this alone. Nights can get so hard, and long.
My pizza sauce has caraway seeds and rosemary so that it tastes similar to Pizza Hut. The crust has a bit of corn meal in it which crisps up quite nicely in a well oiled cast iron skillet. I bake the crust first then add the toppings. Most of the sauce is served on the side so that the crust doesn't get too soggy.
It's been difficult physically and emotionally over this way. I'm struggling to keep sanity it feels like. I feel like I'm on the edge of it. Between my body and nightmares, I'm just exhausted.
I'm hungry. There's plenty of food to eat but nothing I really want. I just want to sleep off the yuck. What I want is pizza but I don't want to have to cook it myself. I'm being such a baby.
In therapy today, over the phone, we talked about Michelle who is 15 years old. She really enjoys walking the dog. I also found out she likes our scarves quite a bit, especially the orange ones. There are 5 orange scarves here, lol. They're added to our coat or jacket and don't make us look anything like the green lady from Brooklyn we saw online today. ...continue reading "Difficult days. Killers and mothers. A mess of topics."