I've been tickled all day that a new leaf on my single leaf Pathos is growing. 🙂 This plant is special because its the only Pathos that made it from the old apartment. The other plants are gone except a friend saved a tiny, itty bitty little plant. Having it feels like a little piece of the old life was saved, ya know?
Dr. D and I discussed the recent firing of my new CNA. I fired her for several reasons and fired the company, too.
My insurance covers a CNA that can take me to the store and to doctor appointments. It turns out this CNA was driving me around w/o a drivers license or insurance. I called the company and they shocked the crap out of me when they said they hire people to drive even when they have only a hardship license. This girl had that when she was hired but let it drop because she couldn't pay for it. Still she took me to the store! When I called the company with my concerns the CNA decided to call me and curse me out!!! Obviously she can't return to my home after that. ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Lowered Expectations and Less Stress"
(sigh) I saw The Surgeon for the last time yesterday afternoon. I didn't expect him to hug me but I'm glad he did. I gave him his painting and as expected, I cried at the end. As a matter of fact I got in the car, went to the store, purchased 4 pints of ice cream and a dozen donuts to sooth those tears. Strawberry and Death by Chocolate seemed like good band-aides. I ate a few of the donuts but left the ice cream lot untouched in the freezer.......This is all so painfully unnatural.
I have a hard time letting go of him right now so I was given 3 spider plant starts from his office. How cool is that? His office is the one who gave me the push to set up my 3 gallon Betta 'bowl'. They've got a set up on each desk when you first walk in that are gorgeous. I so want to do a second Betta set up. Anyway.... ...continue reading "Surgeon. CNA. Spoiled Me."
This morning I woke to find three beautiful mushrooms in Lentil's terrarium. The mushrooms grew out of a patch of orange moss that grows along side driftwood stationed close to the watering hole.
Although these frogs will tolerate being held, it's not suggested you do so. I hardly ever hold him unless needed. Today was deep cleaning day so I had to take him out which meant photo time. ...continue reading "A Frog named Lentil"
Clyde is needy, so am I. He too jumps at the slightest noise. Even though he's anxious, he's protective of me.
He knows what it means when alarms go off 4 times a day. Two of those times he's going to eat, which he loves to do.
He's such a good boy, gentle yet playful and easy to please. I can't believe how much he loves tennis balls. In this photo he's looking all sad and pitiful bc we weren't playing ball in the rain. Lol He was happy inside the house when I unwrapped his new chew bone. 🙂
I've done what I'm supposed to do, that should feel good. I don't feel good.
I'm still creating. Some get finished, other's lack substance and I lose interest. Today I made a third doll for donations (pics eventually) and a hat for myself.
Right in the middle of studying I had a full blown panic attack but I kept going. I didn't want to feel totally defeated. The problem was that I made one single, solitary mistake and it felt like my world crashed, like it was the biggest catastrophe on my heart. I had to get myself together over a tiny mistake that it took seconds to correct. Agitation. Agitation. Low tolerance for just about anything.
I listen to my frogs. I read. I played fetch with the dog again today; day three in a row. Playing with him today was forced but it was nice to see his tongue hanging out of his mouth and that big dog smile after playing so hard.
I want to care, mostly I don't.
I want to be in a good mood tomorrow and meet with what is now three people for letters to homebound Seniors in our community. I want to meet with them but I'm afraid. I just want to go to bed and put the covers over my head but honestly it feels miserable under there, too. Why? What is there to explain this level of absolute depression and flat out despair? What's wrong with me?
Just thought of something....... I've had a med change. It's the only thing I can think of that would make me feel this bad, so deeply with no real reason. I mean seriously, I want to just lay down and die. I can't explain why. Is it the combination of meds or something else? I talk to Dr. D tomorrow. We'll figure out something because today I hit my threshold.
I've been reading about staying positive which can be difficult for me. One of the things I've been trying to remember is that even with my health issues, I've not lost everything. I made a short list of things I've learned to do while in bed and while pacing at home. The reason I learned these things is that it's difficult to sit. It's painful so I end up lying down or I keep moving while I'm up. Standing still doesn't go well for me but as long as I keep moving I'm okay. So, here is my photo for the 17th of this month and my list of things I can still do:
Complain. I can do that in whatever position I find myself in. I complain in English and American Sign Language. I'm currently learning French, which isn't killing me this time around.
Paint. I can paint and draw while lying down. I've covered my bed so as not to ruin my mattress. It was my greatest concern that I wouldn't be able to paint because of needing to lie down so much.
I can sew while lying down. This was a welcome surprise. I have to be a little more prepared but it is still possible. I just finished and adopted out two dolls and I've started on a custom order doll today.
I can study and take notes in bed or on the sofa as long as I have my tablet and supplies with me. I can read and pace at the same time which I do quite often.
I can produce hand written letters of encouragement to others while in bed. It's important to always reach out.
I can still receive visitors if I'm on the sofa.
I stand while making tea but I have a no spill cup that allows me to drink tea in bed. Yup, gotta have that tea no matter what.
I can enjoy the sunshine on my face from the comfort of my bed. I can see the sky and hear the birds and ducks.
My smile isn't broken because I'm lying down. I still have a sense of humor.