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I've been reading about staying positive which can be difficult for me. One of the things I've been trying to remember is that even with my health issues, I've not lost everything. I made a short list of things I've learned to do while in bed and while pacing at home. The reason I learned these things is that it's difficult to sit. It's painful so I end up  lying down or I keep moving while I'm up. Standing still doesn't go well for me but as long as I keep moving I'm okay. So, here is my photo for the 17th of this month and my list of things I can still do:

  1. Complain. I can do that in whatever position I find myself in. I complain in English and American Sign Language. I'm currently learning French, which isn't killing me this time around.
  2. Paint. I can paint and draw while lying down. I've covered my bed so as not to ruin my mattress. It was my greatest concern that I wouldn't be able to paint because of needing to lie down so much.
  3. I can sew while lying down. This was a welcome surprise. I have to be a little more prepared but it is still possible. I just finished and adopted out two dolls and I've started on a custom order doll today.
  4. I can study and take notes in bed or on the sofa as long as I have my tablet and supplies with me. I can read and pace at the same time which I do quite often.
  5. I can produce hand written letters of encouragement to others while in bed. It's important to always reach out.
  6. I can still receive visitors if I'm on the sofa.
  7. I stand while making tea but I have a no spill cup that allows me to drink tea in bed. Yup, gotta have that tea no matter what.
  8. I can enjoy the sunshine on my face from the comfort of my bed. I can see the sky and hear the birds and ducks.
  9. My smile isn't broken because I'm lying down. I still have a sense of humor.
  10. Possibilities. Options. Hope.

...continue reading "What I can still do"

One thing that's been on my mind is getting the last item for my disaster readiness bag aka "go bag". I have yet to include beef jerky, but other than that, my "go bag" is complete.

In an entry called Emergency Kit and Chronic Illness, I talked about the importance of documents that aren't stored on a device. I think those without power would agree that medical documents and phone numbers on a device with a dead battery is essentially useless. What I accidentally discovered is that I can store items inside empty medicine bottles because they're waterproof. I thought about what other items are waterproof and came up with a short list:  old Tupperware, a tall coffee cup with an auto-lock, no spill lid or an old coffee thermos. Papers inside these items would be dry and safe.  ...continue reading "Now and for the long haul of disaster recovery"

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Tonight I'm lonely. I've not slept.

I thought about grief and Mary Jane a bit. Part of me doesn't want to grieve her with any more tears. I want to celebrate her. I want to think about all the ways she was spoiled rotten, about the things she did that made me laugh and how she was the feline version of me...mouthy. Oh my gosh, Janie was a talker !!!!

When she wanted me to pet her she'd paw at my hand. I got to the point that I'd tap my finger at her paw so she'd leave me alone but she'd just sit there and stare at my hand like, pet me plllleassse.

I loved that she put the side of her face against mine when I picked her up. I loved how warm she felt and the vibration of her purr box. That's what I want to think about. I want to think about the kitty who didn't know a stranger but was sure to be obvious about not liking certain strangers. That happened three times with her. She completely ignored three different people and she was right each time. ...continue reading "Celebrating Janie"

What can a broke girl like me do for my neighbors in need?

  • I can donate to food pantries. Food pantries are going to divert their stock to areas in need, which may at times cause hardship for locals in need. I can look in my pantry for anything I can spare and donate it.  I'll come back to this in a second.
  • I can offer cash in the form of $1 or less. If a dollar is all I can spare at the time then a dollar is what I will donate. A dollar here and there adds up and can go far if managed by a reputable relief effort.
  • Girls and boys will need items to help them pass the time while they and their families try to rebuild their lives. Children of all ages will need more than the basics of life. I will think hard about what can be done on a personal level. My first thought is, there are artists out there without a pad and pencil. I know they're just losing it. I would be.
  • I'd like to be connected to a family through a secure channel and send them small care packages. That will be possible later in the relief effort.
  • I can encourage others during this time of national and international distress. I may not speak to them concerning Biblical hope, but I can be encouraging by validating their experience and being a listening ear.

...continue reading "My Neighbors in Texas, Florida, Puerto Rico and Mexico"

Funerals have a way of making you think about life in deeper terms and with focused eyes.

Charlie goes homeAt the funeral I ran into 6 of kids that come here. They're going to be at the Hall for my first talk. I'm so happy they're going to be there. The oldest girl is going to record it for me.

I don't think I've been hugged so much in one day. Yes, it hurt and yes I required pain meds after, but I wouldn't have traded those hugs for anything or passed them up. They moved but they are still able to come here and to come to my Hall. That makes me happy. ...continue reading "Adjusting positive focus"

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We talked about school. I told him that I brought it up last Friday but that he just said, oh, okay, and went on. I told him that he didn't ask a single question about it. I said, if I told you I was taking these classes at the local university you would have had questions. You would have asked when the classes start, what my class load is, where I'm taking the classes, what accreditation I'll receive and what my goal is. I said, you didn't ask me a single question. He said, why do you think that is? I said, because of the subject. I don't think you see it as valid.  ...continue reading "The Right Soil"

Dr. D started off the session with, did you know there's going to be an eclipse today? He said, I wanted to let you know because its going to get dark. I didn't want it to catch you by surprise. It would have but I would have figured it out I think, maybe.
Michelle 2:13 pm

We talked about how my sister lived with my friend and her husband only three miles from me. She lived there for a year. A year! We went to the same grocery store but never ran into one another. How is it possible to be that close to me but not see me? Dr. D asked what about this knowledge is so upsetting. It's the magic, ya know, the wand that tosses out fairy dust that makes her see me in a different light. If she could just see me from time to time maybe she wouldn't hate me so much. Its the fantasy of her changing because I need her to.

What a vicious thing to tear family apart by abuse and lies. That is a crime that keeps offending.

We talked about how to move past how I think about my sister, how I think about my needs from her. It all starts with my thinking. If I change my thinking I can change my actions. Maybe I'll stop longing for her so grievously.

First and foremost, I have nothing to prove.
I'm not disgusting or dirty. I've not committed a crime to say the opposite. I don't have to convenience myself of anything. It is well established that I'm lovable. That was one of the biggest and most destructive lies they told. ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Prove Yourself"

2017 Therapy and Life Upgrades

THERAPY

1. Speak to myself kindly
2. Begin the first steps in treating water phobia.

LIFE UPGRADES - continued from last year

1. Listen to hear instead of listen to respond. Monitor dogmatic expressions.
2. Continue volunteer work.

I get a D on dogmatic expressions and laying down the letter of the law. OMG I'm stubborn and opinionated. WOW!! Who knew it would be so hard to shut up and let others have an opinion, even when I know their opinion is obviously so far from reality that it crosses into insanity? It is not my job to lead people. I do not need to convince people that they have a stark divide from reality and that it gets on my last nerve to the point I want to bash them with a chair. OMG, where did all these stupid people come from? It's like there was a whistle only stupid people could hear and they just all came out of the wood works. I now have a whistle phobia....AnyyWayyy.

I do not believe I should have a totally open mind because that means anything can get through. I should be the one to dictate what gets in and how open my mind should be. That is called free will. I know what my core belief system is. I will be open to many things but my foundation is not up for debate or assault.

I do not have a buffer so when conflict arises, my mouth starts going. I have to be more mild in speech and behavior toward others. I need a more mild spirit, one that isn't easily provoked or agitated when others expression their free will.  I need to continue to think about how my words and actions will affect others immediately and long term. I have an obligation to be peaceful and peaceable which does not leave room for dogma. A mild word is powerful. Patience is powerful. Sometimes silence is called for, other times its flat out wrong. I'm looking for that balance. ...continue reading "Half Time Consensus: Therapy and Life Upgrades for 2017"

date 5/28/17 - out with friends, age 45I never felt a connection to my grandparents house. There was never a corner that held secrets I wanted to know. Yes, the house was impressive, but it was of no interest to me. Nana (now age 90) was adopted early on but reunited with her biological mother in her adult years. Her biological mother's home was very intriguing. That's where I first came in contact with a massive doll collection in cases that lined the wall. That's the home where I was served meals and dessert on my great-great-grandmother's china. Unforgettable.

I wanted to know everything about Nana's mother's house and the things in it. I wanted to know the story behind the jewelry box, behind my great-grandmother's physical scars on her back. I wanted to walk through her pantry and see all the stuff she had. I watched her make bread and pies. I was intrigued by the radio that was built in the wall in the restroom. The restroom was amazing as it glowed a soft amber.

My great-grandmother gave us permission to explore without restriction. I was able to walk the land and see fruit trees, flowers, the lemon trees and more. She had apple trees, a pear tree and cherry trees, too. There wasn't a dull moment in that house full of history.

I won't lie, my great-grandmother was a wicked woman in her youth. My Nana got her meanness 'naturally' because she wasn't raised by her biological mother. To hear my Nana tell it, she had a picture perfect childhood. ...continue reading "Nostalgic Memories – Good and War"

Saturday went well. The meal was nice but I skipped the wine and kept with tea. The movie was good and had no surprises or triggers since I knew what to expect. Tonight was baked tilapia, veggie wonton and steamed broccoli. It was good. Monday evening is tandoori chicken. It's chicken and spices in a baking dish inside my little oven.  I love my convection oven. To finally get some good food in me is a positive step.

The landlord came the other day to inspect the apartment but she did not bring a lease. As a matter of fact she looked at me and said she'll get it together when she's good and ready. I don't trust that she's going to provide a lease. I have a feeling she'll present me with a court date. If she does I'll show up to that court date to contest the eviction.

I've heard nothing at all from the owner, not a thing.

My anxiety over the situation has dropped significantly. I can't worry about what might happen. I need to prepare, use my resources and force recognition of my rights,  but I need not swim in what might happen. I do not have the energy to do so.  ...continue reading "Quiet as planned. Eviction Update. Shifting Tides."

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