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Content: Suicide discussion. Grief

I don't know how to write this entry. I've been trying since yesterday to contain myself enough to take notes from therapy concerning all the suicide triggers of late. Perhaps first I should say I understand the desire to die and I understand what pushes a person to try because I've tried myself, but it doesn't seem to apply with my brother. I can't seem to square it with my brother because he was loved so much but when I was trying to kill myself I wasn't loved abundantly like him. It seems to make a world of difference.

My brother left behind his entire children's orchestra, his family and friends. He was loved very much and so robbing us of himself feels brutally painful.

I'd like to know how he came to the decision that it was ok to leave us behind with few answers to a world of questions? How did he justify leaving us all by suicide? Did he think we'd get over it? If so, he should have left instructions how.

Is love enough to save a life full of physical or emotional pain? Is being cherished and adored enough to keep you alive?

I have a memory that is stuck in my head. It's of him at age three. He's standing at the kitchen sink on a chair washing dishes. He loved doing that. And he turned around and smiled the biggest smile like, look what I'm doing. That smile is burned in my mind. The memory is painful and joyous.

I had hoped he would break away from the family of ours and live a life free of abuses we suffered. I hoped a lot for him. Now he's gone and it's insufferable. The only thing I have left of him now is his toddler's smile.

Faith

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As one can imagine, last night was rather rough. I believe I came to a pass where I refused to accept anymore stress that eats me up and spits me out.

Depression flattens me on my back, anger makes me get up and move. Last night I got up and moved. I moved past the laying in bed immobile point to trying to figure out how to get a handle on things. My first weapon is aromatherapy, lavender.

Before the bomb went off (health issues) I had a house full of smelly good things. Lavender was everywhere and it helped me quite a bit. I even had it in my carpet because I figured if I fell and was down there a bit I'd at least have comfort. I need to bring lavender back in my life in a huge way.

In recent days I've been using my lavender oil reserve in my humidifier which helps relax me very much. I've got just enough to make it through the month then I'm going to have to stock up from Amazon. I hear the NOW brand is pretty good so I thought I'd try it out. It's also in my price range. What I use on my foot is from Young Living and it isn't cheap stuff by any means. I've been getting it for $10-$15 off w/ no shipping which makes it more affordable, but I'll be dag on if I put it in the humidifier. I sometimes put too many drops in the humidifier so that even my neighbors are relaxed. lol.

I wonder if I could help my poor neighbor by accidentally putting too much Peace and Calming in the humidifier which is placed by a shared vent. Anyway! The man didn't stop screaming until 3am. I didn't get to sleep until 8am and had to be up at 10am. Hard night for sure but made easier with lavender.

Back to my own issues.....Before the health bomb I changed my sheets every Monday then spritzed them with homemade lavender spray. I used fresh lavender in water then lightly sprayed the sheets and pillows with it. I need to get back to that.

I made my own lavender infused oil which I can now do again because I've finally replaced the equipment that didn't make the move. This isn't the kind of oil I can put in my humidifier though, it's the kind that can be ingested for anxiety relief as well as used in my hair. I use a French Press to press out the lavender flowers and get that beautiful, strong scent. It's wonderful stuff.

Of course there's lavender tea. I found that lavender infused Earl Grey is wonderful. It was an accident but man I love that stuff. I also love Earl Grey with raspberry leaves.

By way of my tea collection I have an arsenal of weapons against anxiety. I remember that now and will do what needs to be done to sip and humidify my way to less stress. Lavender in many forms has it's rightful place in my weapons cache.

This isn't going to be easy. Anxiety seems at war with me. It wants to eat me up, destroy my happy spirit. Right now, I'm a bit too angry to lay down and take it.

Jordan

Girl Inside

Art by: Faith Magdalene Austin
Art Title: Girl Inside
Media: Watercolor and Acrylic on 98 lb paper
Style: Raw, African Americana, Folk Art, Black Art
Finish: Sealed, signed,

Here's a close up look at this very emotional piece of a girl with someone else inside.

SUNDRIP - Art for Life
www.sundrip.etsy.com

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I felt ugly talking to Dr. D today. We talked about binge eating and how my diet isn't the best. I have a terrible sweet tooth but I also eat to sooth myself. I hope it counts for something that I didn't binge the other day. I'm not a fat slob failure but I certainly feel like one.

We talked about the amount of anxiety that I feel, still. This was going on before the medical event and has picked right back up. It's been difficult not to cut but I reluctantly admitted to scratching in order to relieve stress.

We talked about the hug from The Surgeon. He was surprised I liked the hug. I told him I get about 10 hugs every time I go to the Kingdom Hall. I like them. The hug from The Surgeon was healing, especially since I won't see him again. I like the spider plant starts I got from them, too.  ...continue reading "Therapy Review: Ugly. Self Harm. Weight"

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(sigh) I saw The Surgeon for the last time yesterday afternoon. I didn't expect him to hug me but I'm glad he did. I gave him his painting and as expected, I cried at the end. As a matter of fact I got in the car, went to the store, purchased 4 pints of ice cream and a dozen donuts to sooth those tears. Strawberry and Death by Chocolate seemed like good band-aides. I ate a few of the donuts but left the ice cream lot untouched in the freezer.......This is all so painfully unnatural.

I have a hard time letting go of him right now so I was given 3 spider plant starts from his office. How cool is that? His office is the one who gave me the push to set up my 3 gallon Betta 'bowl'. They've got a set up on each desk when you first walk in that are gorgeous. I so want to do a second Betta set up. Anyway.... ...continue reading "Surgeon. CNA. Spoiled Me."

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TakenMy physical wounds have healed faster than emotional wounds. There's a real fear that time will pass, I'll 'look better', and people will forget that on the inside I'm still struggling.

When all this first happened and for the entire 5 months, friends leaped to my assistance. I had more visitors than I knew what to do with. 🙂 I felt loved. Now that things are going back to my version of normal with Lupus, I fear being left and yet I know the fear is unfounded. My friends love me and I know it, and I know that they were there for me before all this happened. But there's this fear that all the love and attention is going to stop, and I'll fade right into the background and be forgotten. I like the feeling of being loved. It's not entirely new but its new enough that with a taste of it I don't want to let it go. ...continue reading "Don’t Forget Me"

Content: Aunt tried to kill herself. Brief discussion of cocaine. Death.

The gist is that my aunt refused to call me by my name, called me everything else. I refused to answer. Then she called me a 'bitch' so I gave her a full account of how much I hate her. I reminded her that she has "everything" others work their whole lives for: a boat, house, vacations, good job, yet she's unhappy. I went as far as to tell her that even though everyone else knows it, she's in love with someone who doesn't love her back and that's the real reason she's unhappy. I said she should let his gay self go and find a straight man. ...continue reading "Dreams: Burying Fantasies"

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I knew who i was this morningIt's been one of those days where all I've done is sleep and paint. I got in a good meal, sat down at the table with candle light and everything, yet my heart is desperate and forlorn.

I want to cut. I wont but the desire is there to shred my arms up.

When I don't paint I don't cope. Painting is a huge coping skill for me. Now that I've started painting again I've started feeling more. I felt a lot before but was sort of holding up a wall to shield myself from it. ...continue reading "I’m Not Crazy Yet"

Saturday at 2pm I'll move to the new place. I'm excited but I won't have the internet for a few days. In the few days off line I hope to set up my art table and supplies. I need to see my belongings again. It'll mean a lot to see my stuff. It's hard to explain why I look forward to seeing gadgets and odds and ends, but I do. Part of the things that were thrown away for various reasons, were all of my bound books, including my Shakespeare collection, Maya Angelou book and poetry collections as well as my cookbooks, some of which I had for 20 years.

They say 'things' can be replaced but they forget to add that we will mourn these 'things' for awhile. All my dried flowers, including sunflowers were tossed by the person who cleaned out my apartment while I was down. Every dried rose I have is gone. It hurts. I have every last one of my dolls and every single piece of jewelry, every leaf of tea and every single piece of artwork and art supplies. Those items are sacred. I feel like my poetry collection fell in the category of sacred, but l wasn't there to say so.  ...continue reading "The Move"

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Someone to Watch Over Me
Someone to Watch Over Me

I asked you to do the surgery. You said you could or a colleague but I trusted my life in your hands. It felt like there was so much at stake, more to lose than body parts. I can't explain how afraid I was that I'd throw a blood clot or bleed to death. I was so scared I kept calling to my mother!

I had a dream about her last night. She was a helpless infant in my arms. I rolled around in my wheelchair with her head on my shoulder. I made sure she was safe and warm. Safe. ...continue reading "Not Cut and Dry"

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